FemiNerds

We're Feminists, We're Nerds, We're Awesome

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Accents - It’s a problem for me, and it’s awful

I don't know if other people have this problem, but I don't hear accents well.

I was at NEW YORK BAGEL and the guy taking orders had a heavy accent. Don’t ask me what kind because I have no idea. Anyway he was asking me about my sandwich and I just could not understand him. It was like my brain was willfully trying to mishear him. Of course my husband had no issues which made me feel like a bigger ass.

I also get calls from drivers at work who have accents. They will be on a cell phone, in the middle of nowhere, trying to talk to me and my dumb ass will have no clue what they are saying.

It makes me feel like such a shitty person because I will be attempting to communicate with someone who has an accent and my brain will not interpret the slight pronunciations differences.

I feel like I am insulting people because I have to ask them to repeat themselves, or I just have to stare at them for a moment while my brain chugs along trying to understand them.

These people are probably sitting there like “ You bitch, I learned your language and now you are going to stare at me like an idiot. F-You.”

Am I the only one?

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Net Neutrality is a hot topic because losing it would mean the internet would stop being the amazing place it is. Net Neutrality is the stance that internet providers should have to provide access to everything on the internet at the same speed. This idea is predicated on the idea that the internet should be open and available to everyone; however, there is a debate that exists and it is all about whether or not Net Neutrality is a good thing.

Consumers who think that Net Neutrality is good believe that, without it, the internet will cease to be a fair place to play. Many of them want it to be classified as a title 2 because that puts it in the same utility bracket as water and electricity. This bracket would help keep Net Neutrality alive because it outlaws providers from dictating how we use the service.

An example is electricity. When you purchase electricity you buy the amount you use. You do not have to pay extra to have a second refrigerator (which uses a lot of electricity). Net Neutrality stops service providers from charging consumers extra money to get fast access to websites like Netflix (which uses a lot of bandwidth).

Consumers who are against net neutrality believe that it hinders competition and hurts small creators. There is also a fight against regulations. Opposition to net neutrality is slightly confusing to me because they believe that by outlawing so called “fast lanes” ISP’s and consumers will suffer. They believe that being able to pay to access the sites they want will make the internet better for them and will allow ISP’s to be more financially successful. They also think that the government regulating the internet to title 2 is an over-regulation that will diminish competition on the internet.

This diminished competition would decrease the investment companies put into upgrading and expanding; this will slow down speeds. By having large companies pay for the bandwidth needed to sustain their programs, the cost burden is taken off of the consumer, who will only have to pay for what they are using.

ISP’s do not want Net Neutrality because without it they can get paid twice for their service. They make consumers pay for access to sites like Facebook, Netflix and Hulu and they make sites pay for access to their consumers. They can charge large fee’s to access websites that they deem as competition and they can throttle speeds of companies like Netflix and Hulu if they do not pay for “fast lanes.” Top ISP’s like Comcast, Verizon and AT&T have already established that they will make sites unusable if the sites do not pay their fees.

As for government. . .  Honestly, they seem to fight for whomever is giving them money. Companies who support net neutrality have lobbyists that pay for Net Neutrality to be protected and ISP’s have lobbyist’s that pay for it to be taken away.

Personally, I think the internet should be classified as a Title 2 utility because everything the opposition says makes little sense and does not seem to be based in facts. The system works the way it is right now. The internet is a level playing field where anyone can start creating and become successful and to me that is wonderful and should not change. I truly think that if ISPs have the ability to charge for access to consumers, independent creators will no longer be able to thrive and much of the diversity on the internet will be extinguished.

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Aziz Ansari and her worst night

This story has blown up and caused quite a controversy. I feel so bad for both Grace and Ansari because, unlike the stories surrounding Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey, this one is predicated on a lot of gray area rules. For anyone who says there is a clear villain and victim in this story, does not remember what it was like to be a single person in today’s dating society.

The #metoo movement has helped numerous women in fighting the oppression of our stories regarding rape and sexual harassment. The issue is that this movement has only been going on for a few months. There is a long history of slut shaming, victim blaming and abuse of power that was utilized to silence us. All those big problems boil down to more nuanced issues. It begins with the “boys will be boys” mentality when we are children. Then it grows through inadequate sex education that portrays rape as an unknown assailant, not the person we are dating. Finally we are taught that “no means no” not “yes means yes.”

He should have read non-verbal cues, she should have spoken up. He assaulted her, she participated.

Everyone has an opinion about what should have happened, but no one is looking at the bigger picture of why this story resonates with so many people.

This type of encounter is nothing new. Women feeling uncomfortable with a sexual encounter and men being blindsided after the fact.

When we are young and navigating the “modern romances” of our culture it is hard to overcome all those teachings and tell a date exactly what we want. Women don’t feel empowered to stop an encounter; Men don’t take the time to check in with their partners. Both genders do not realize that consent can be revoked at any point during an encounter so gaining a verbal yes needs to happen often.

There is a romanticized ideal we try to meet on dates where stuff just happens and it’s wonderful.  This conditions us in all the wrong ways; it makes talking unsexy and a mood killer when that consent should be the biggest turn on imaginable.

Grace, I am on your side. I believe you and I think your feelings are valid. I have been in a situation where I was uncomfortable with a sexual situation, but I didn’t know how to get out of it. I was feeling a lot of pressure from past experiences to not be so uptight when it came to relationships. I was not ready to be intimate with someone, but I also did not want them to think I wasn’t interested. I don’t know your exact situation but I can understand leaving and feeling upset and frustrated because he did not notice my cues. I hope that in the future women will feel more empowered to say exactly what we want. I also hope the culture of dates will change to allow for both parties to take a beat and discuss what they want.

Aziz, you are not a bad guy. You should not be placed alongside the likes of Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby. You should not be a poster boy for a cultural issue that so many are guilty of. However, I hope that the person who considered the oddities of our culture in such a comprehensive manner will be open to learning from this situation. I hope you will use you power and fame to tackle the issue of consent. You can be the nicest, most respectful man on the planet and women may still fear you. They may not run screaming, but they may not feel comfortable talking to you. Take time on your dates and ask them for permission. Get a verbal and enthusiastic YES! I truly believe you had no intention of hurting your date, but she left upset and part of that is because she felt you were not paying enough attention to notice her discomfort. Make consent a part of your future encounters, because you deserve to not have this happen again.

There should be no gray area. There should be a clear line between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. This story should not be common, but unfortunately until things change we need to be sensitive to honest mistakes. We need to know the difference between the actions of a cruel predator and a guy who could not read minds. 

We cannot condemn either person, we can only learn and talk until consent culture becomes the norm.  I am now happily married to a man who I can speak to about any desires and boundaries, but I was not always so lucky. There were years where I felt like every sexual encounter was a tightrope between being the “cool, chill girl” that they wanted to see again and “crazy, clinging prude” who they did not respect. To all the women out there still going through this, I feel for you, and I hope you find a way off the tightrope.

#metoo

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I am highly intrigued with Black Widow, I like how complex and mysterious she is. After being introduced to her through the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I knew I wanted to read more of her story. When the Nathan Edmondson / Phil Noto series was released, I was blown away by the art of the comics and the way they portrayed the spy turned Avenger.

The above section was particularly interesting.

This is an image of Black Widow, a superhero from Marvel Comics. The creators dig a bit deeper into her attempts to right some of the wrongs she caused when she was a KGB assassin. In this particular scene, she is fighting a foe named Iron Scorpion. It is important to the narrative because she is making a distinction between herself and the people she will/has killed. She is in the right, she is eliminating dangerous people in an effort to make the world better. Her justifications are honorable unlike the murderers she is killing. This allows the reader to understand a bit more deeply her struggles throughout the story, because she may not have always been in the right, and she knows it is easy to think you have the right motivation while being misled into doing something terrible.

Another interesting aspect of this is the sense of movement and action in the first 2 panels compared to the striking look in her eyes as she makes the distinction. This is important to her; she needs to believe that she is making amends. She needs to know that what she is doing is right, because she refuses to be like the people she fights.

This aspect of her is fascinating. When you look at her in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, she has a close relationship with Captain America, the ultimate do-gooder and Bruce Banner. Banner, like her, has a complex relationship with what's right and their actions. Banner feels plenty of shame towards the actions of Hulk and feels like he needs to make up for it. Maybe that's why they ended up getting paired together in the romantic subplot?

Black Widow is my favorite character from the genre of comic/superhero media. Her strength, resolve and need to do good go firmly against everything that made her who she is. Every skill that makes her a valuable member of the team is a direct result of everything she feels she needs to repent for. Personally, I think Black Widow should get more screen time to show off the way she owns the shadows she lives in.

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I CAN BE BETTER! We can all be better.

A weird thing happened to me today. I was walking into town and there was a guy walking ahead of me. He was a tall black guy wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants listening to his phone through headphones. Normally, there are not many people that walk this path because there is no sidewalk until you get to the park before town. Anyway; I realized that I was walking faster than him so I was slowly gaining on him, and I began to get scared. I felt a tightness in my chest and I felt anxious.

As I continued walking, I get to the point where I am just a few paces behind him and it hits me that I need to go around him, but that would alert him to my presence. In addition to that, I realized that if the roles had been reversed, having someone pace me on my walk would scare me. Most likely I was making him worry because and it not like black men don't have a reason to be nervous on the street.

I know that he is probably just walking to town. I know that the likelihood is that he doesn’t even realize that I am behind him.

I would like to say that I normally get nervous when a guy is in my general vicinity, because street harassment is a problem that most women deal with. I try to remain alert when walking to town, but this was a new level.

Finally my rational brain turned on and I politely said excuse me and walked past him.

But this whole thing begs the question:

Why was I so scared? Was it because he was a guy? Was it because he was black? Was it because he was bigger than me?

I have been keeping myself informed on the black lives matter movement and their desire to not prosecuted for the color of their skin.  I have been reading the stories of violence and I feel a bit of kindness toward them because we may be two groups of people, but we are fighting the same battle. We both wish that we did not have to feel unsafe on the street. Our battles just look different, however our history shares some similarities.

I know all of this! I talk to people about this. I defend the movements and the people who are hurt in the battles for civil rights, and yet here I was, scared of a guy for walking ahead of me.

So why is my rational mind allowing me to be so scared for no reason?

Well there are a few reasons:

Lack of diversity in media

His clothing was similar to what you see on a stereotypical “bad guy” 

Propaganda that black men are prone to violence

A justice system that incarcerates more black men

These things exist and they harm society but are not the only thing.

There is also me:

I have a lack of diversity in my pool of friends. For as open to diversity as I am, I partake in little to help me become more knowledgeable on the issues that affect people of different cultures.

Part of that, is that I need to learn about issues from a similar point of view first so I can understand a more intersectional view later. You need to know how to walk before you run. Yet at this point, the vast majority of what I have learned has been from white teachers about issues on gender discrimination.

I was afraid to write this post. No one wants to be seen as a racist, and while I don't think that term really applies to me, I do have prejudicial tendencies and that is upsetting. There is a saying that no problem can be fixed until you admit it exists. I admit that my reaction today was problematic because it was based in prejudice not in the actions of another person. I recognize it, I will learn from it, and maybe next time it won’t be as bad.

Thanks for reading.

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Feminist - To some it's a dirty word, but to anyone who wears the term like a badge knows that its definition can vary.

There is an ongoing debate about what feminism is and what we are fighting for. Some will give the most simple answer and cite the dictionary “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” Some will argue that “The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians”(Pat Robertson). I can’t speak for anti-feminists, but for those that advocate for feminism, one question is at the core of every discussion; how do we become equal?  

Every person who comes into the conversation has an idea about what the movement is and what it means. This significantly influences the way discussions occur, so I find it best for the sake of this blog to make my perception clear.

Feminism, to me, is about the right of every human to be equally able to make choices about their life. I think this will be achieved when everyone has equal political, economic, and social opportunities. I participate in the movement because I want to create a world where everyone has the option to live the life they want; as long as their choices do not negatively impact another person. Why should it matter to me if a person wants to live a secluded life in the woods, or be a stay at home parent, or get married to the person they love?  

Personally, I would like to be able to make my own family planning decisions without having to run the idea through a  politician who will never be in my shoes. I think women should have the same autonomy over their bodies as men. I think the doctor/patient discussion is the only one that matters in regards to what women should be able to do.

I would like to see us women take back our space. Right now we have to be afraid of violence and threats given through the internet because the it is not a safe place for us. We cannot exist in the public sphere without facing unsolicited comments on our bodies and appearance. We are sexualized to the point that dress codes end up being extremely sexist. We have to watch our actions in and out of public because we can “cause our own rape”.  

I feel like women do not have equality in relationships. The female vs. female mentality makes female friendships stressful and full of drama.  Male and female friendships face the possibility of the male thinking they deserve sex. Women are told that they are “friends zoning” “all the good guys” when men have unrequited love. Women are not equal in hetrosexual relationships because, on average, women are expected to work similar hours of paid labor and do most of the unpaid labor that make life possible. Women are expected to have it all by balancing a career and a family.

How does this translate into the decisions I make? In my life I make every effort to surround myself with people who will make me their equal. My significant other respects me as a partner. I don’t expect them to pay for me and they don’t expect me to be their housekeeper.  My female friends and I have very little competition, unless we are playing a nerd game of awesome, and we always support each other in our paths. We respect each other’s choices even if we would not make them. My male friends do not worry about friend-zoning, because the friendship is enough. When I can,  I call out inequality. I try to stay educated on issues and changing situations.

Lastly, I do everything in my power to advocate for all people’s choices. I try not to shame or pass judgement on the decisions people make about their lives, as long as that decision does not negatively impact another person. It is a conscious way of interacting with people and I am always open to evolving my viewpoint if someone constructively criticizes the way I see things.

Someday I hope we will be equal, and when that happens, I think a lot of issues in our culture will fade away.

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Why am I reading this . . .

Welcome to the FemiNerds Blog,

I’m glad you have taken some time out of your day to read my thoughts, rants and observations. I thought I would take this chance to introduce myself; I’m Remy and I am  . . . wait for it . . .  a Feminist Nerd! I know the title didn’t give that away...

I have been a defined feminist for about 5 years, but I have been a nerd much longer. Although I can’t place the exact moment I became a nerd; I would guess it started with the words “Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.” (J.K Rowling)

Ever since Hagrid kicked down my door and told me that I was a wizard, I have been unapologetically nerdy. You have been warned!

Back to Feminism for a second... I am not an SJW, but I am the scary kind of feminist. I am the kind with a degree in women and gender studies, the kind with critical thinking skills and the kind that will use verifiable facts in a discussion. The kind who will passionately ( and loudly) tell you why I will not be silenced. I AM A CREDIBLE HULK.

Hopefully when you take some time to read this you will find that I try to look at issues from both sides; but I am not afraid to call out injustice. I am also a “Bad Feminist” (Roxane Gay). I am and never will be the ideal feminist and I know that I can always learn more. I accept that I will be proven wrong and I will correct mistakes as they come up.

I may even change my opinion on a topic.

This is day one of my attempt to speak to the world, or at the very least a small part of it. ...Lets see what happens!

May this blog live long and prosper.

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HELLO INTERNET. This is the tumblr for FemiNerds. Not much is happening yet but it will be soon!