I woke up to the sound of clanging weights and an unfamiliar, strong scent of sweat. Confused, I opened my eyes to a bustling gym instead of my usual bedroom. My reflection in a nearby mirror showed a handsome muscular Asian man – a stark contrast to my skinny, white self. My eyes were immediately drawn to the well-defined muscles. The chest was broad and with bulging pectorials. "What the...? This not me," I muttered, staring at the stranger in the mirror. My name was Mervin, a geeky guy who loved computers, but now, I was somehow this man named Hao Zheng.
I attempted to articulate my thoughts, but I quickly noticed a struggle with language. "Why talking so haawd? Eng... Eng-rish words not come out light." I muttered, feeling not just a struggle with language but a slowness with my thoughts. Simple sentences felt like puzzles I had to piece together. "My voice... sound so low. Deep, with accent. Bù kě sī yì!" Ideas and concepts that I would normally process in English were now forming in Chinese, making me feel even more disconnected from myself.
As I tried moving around with my new heft, I felt an uncomfortable body odor emanating from me. The scent was overpowering, and pungent. My mind was clouded, and I found it hard to focus on anything other than lifting weights. "Lift more, tink less," I heard myself saying. “No pain, no gain. Duì ma?” I find myself fist bumping some Hispanic bodybuilders who I could only assume were gymmates.
Exhausted from the workout, I trailed behind my gymmates. "We go work now, lift real stuff," one of them said with a Puerto Rican accent, slapping me on the back. I nodded, trying to fit in, but inside, I was screaming. I discovered Hao Zheng was a construction worker, a life different from my own. Looking down, I saw hands that were rough and calloused, bearing the marks of hard work.
The sun beat down on us, and I felt sweat mix with the dirt on my skin. "You carry this," a coworker said, handing me a heavy load. The words were simple, but my mind struggled to grasp them. "Yes, I carry," I replied, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears. "Why so slow today, Hao?" a colleague asked. "Not feel good," I mumbled, unable to explain the inner struggle inside me.
Exhausted from the day's labor, I trudged back to what was now my home – a small, dingy studio that reeked of neglect. The odor hit me the moment I stepped in, a mix of stale food and unwashed clothes. The thought of showering in the cramped, unkempt bathroom was too much to bear. So, I simply let my clothes fall to the floor, leaving my dirty work clothes in a pile on the floor.
As I stood in front of the mirror, I hardly recognized the person staring back at me. The muscular physique, the broad shoulders, and the rough, calloused hands were still a wonder to me. For a moment, a sense of pride swelled within me as I marveled at the muscular physique. "This... strong body,"
Touching my face, I felt the rough texture of the skin, so different from my own. My reflection showed a face hardened by sun and labor, with a stern expression that seemed perpetually etched into it. I took a closer look at the scars and marks that adorned this body, each a testament to a life of hard physical work. "Maybe Hao Zheng not so bad," I whispered.
Not caring about the dirt and sweat that clung to my skin, I lay down on the small, uncomfortable bed with the smell of the day's toil surrounding me. I felt disgust, not just at the odor, but at the entire situation. "Wǒ shì shéi? How this happen?" I thought, my mind still reeling in confusion. The bed, with its lumpy mattress and musty sheets, slick against my skin. I closed my eyes, trying to block out the unfamiliarity of my surroundings.
Despite the smell and the discomfort, exhaustion quickly took over. As I drifted off to sleep, I clung to the hope that this was all just a bad dream. "我是谁？是Hao Zheng 还是Mervin？(Who am I? Hao Zheng or Mervin?) Please, let me wake up as myself," I whispered into the darkness.
