/fernie/noun: from the word fermina; escapist; circa 1999

Nothing here. Just nothingness. Just no one, languishing; veiled like a wilted narcissus on a springing trapped mists

[fernfree]

THE STORM

Haunted, trapped, and darkened by a self-made storm as per your discernment, I couldn't fill the void in my chest. In a world of gruels and turmoil, I found you all. From a chaotic head blasting an eerie sound of bleakness, I fell into the black hole. With a strong desire to exist, I wrecked havoc in the city to grasp my own definition of breathe. So, I'd beshrew anyone who is untrue and deceitful in my way. I'd destroy hostility and make bend my enemies in the city. I would make my own catastrophe, like how I severely draw on massive tragedy. I will induce great damage 'til it spawned sufferings in the town because I now feel like I am a big world of disaster. I am the true heir of madness, The reborn word of rebellion, I am those whoever made me who I am. I'm all your thunder, your whirlwind, cyclone, and hurricane. A BIG STORM.

[fernfree]

But you are all wrong about me. I never lost my mind, it's just there, it's with me all the time, up on the marshmallow sky. If you think I'm crazy, think about how I enjoyed gazing out the thinkable tapestry on the high ceiling, weft-knitted with cotton ball puff clouds with cats sleighs-race the ice fluffs. If you think I care less, think about how these brain structures relied on the machiavellian tactics so I could deny the perception of pain until I no longer feel myself. Think about how my own mind betrays me and let the idea of paralyzing my whole me. Think about how I desperately waited the fluffs to fall down on my resting b*tch face like the very cold snowflakes. Think about how oftentimes I spent my whole day thinking about going out on the daylight yet here I am freezing the hundred ideas in the so called “reefer container”. Think! Think about my thoughts. Atleast think how much I wanted to be up on the marshmallow sky. Think!

[fernfree]

[fernfree]

wilted🥀

eyes sank into the depth 

waded into the ocean of bleak

cheeks putrefied

blood seeped in through a geek

droughty skin collapsed 

lips are rifted like a rock

hair fell down

bones get cracked

sharp teeth fallen out 

fleshes burst out dusks

arms drooped under the weight of crows

wilted like a narcissus in a snow 

[fernfree]

HOPE

Some of us are born in a solitary life,

Destitute and desolates to feel the human strife.

Tormented by an overwhelming sensation of obnoxious facts, 

Despised for building it into blocks. 

Daydreaming about sad past turns into less harsh film,

Secretly watching oneself tortured in the reeling-greyed-flashbacks and screamed.

The journey of extreme peace is suffering,

A melancholy song crestfallenly landing.

An epitome of solitude finally succumbed the extreme fears and woes, 

Loneliness is truly never the greatest foe. 

Let all the empty book of sadness out from their old shelves, 

To jot a few notes are green flags that delves on blank pages . 

Fairly good enough to become the history, 

It takes three steps to levitate into the idea of serenity. 

I used to see constellation of ropes,

But it seemed like a purpose to tied knots of hope.

[fernfree]

The Warning

I felt tormented and cornered from the warning I am not ready to face. I felt stupid to have little knowledge that she was the only and the last friend I’ve got. I felt so devastated, extremely anxious, and depressed as all of this make a huge contribution to the suffering of my fragile heart. 

I am aware of my impulsiveness that any time or maybe soon I could possibly make mistakes that would thrill her embitterment. I was so afraid that my unconsciousness would detract my intimacy with her due to my certain bias beliefs. Fearing the verdict guilty would be rendered and cause me to be executed as a trusted confidant, I kneeled before the king with my very humbled eyes. 

I used all my negotiating skills to arrange a treaty with the so called “harbingers of peace” so that we could pull together as allies. And so they vowed a swear to guard my indecisive mind for whatever shortcomings to come. I am honored to meet the unexpected warn.

[fernfree]

figment

He was so obsessed with his own beauty that he often gazed his aesthetics in the wondrous lake. 

He suddenly saw his realities in the multiverse flashbacks reflected in the depths of his own eyes. 

He saw himself decorated with distorting lights. 

His shadows snapped instantly and oscillated in a very confusion state. 

His physique flickered indistinguishably but left a vague of sketch. 

He became a perfect blend of blacks and whites. 

He soon vanished as he disguised himself immediately in the comfort zone of nowhere when he realized that he was just a figment of a serial episodic fantasy.

[fernfree]

Supercalifragilistic Name

Nothing here just supercalifragilistic name,

Look in here it's a supercalifragilistic game.

Walk through there and see supercalifragilistic fame,

Winning pictures in a supercalifragilistic frame.

Toss a supercalifragilistic glass of champagne,

Didn't know you've been more of a bane.

I guess you're Lady Crane--jealousy flickered in your flame,

Insecurity flashed into blazing blame.

You said quit and never ever let in,

You will superfragilistically fail again.

You said stay in your lane,

It will superfragilistically restore your sane.

I suppose you laughed 'til I get shamed,

Sorry not sorry I can't be tamed.

I should have never let you came,

You wretched superfragilistically born as lame.

In my defense I have cut you off,

In my circles you are a scoff.

I swear to you I will never be the same,

You won't even want to remember my supercalifragilistic name.

[fernfree]

You're The Goodbye I Can't Say, I'm Still Thinking Of You

I. Am I just infatuated?

I know there's no way we can be a thing,

just only memoirs in summer fling.

I've learned you're an ivy poison flourished inside of my head,

A blinking eye who constantly send-offs bleed.

Found your wide arms in my episodical daydreams,

Hey, you wrapped every single piece of me 'til I gleamed.

Like it's 2 a.m in my brain,

You are the forebodings I've always been.

Tryna push you away—frequently,

This feeling of affection hoaxed me easily.

Now, you are a goodbye I just can't say,

Why am I feeling this way?

II. Am I still into You?

My mind chose to spend more time with you,

And I hate to break it to you.

Your name's dyed of blue,

Your mischievous eyes gave a clue.

Voice secretly crawls onto my skin,

Nagging me about such sin.

But I guess you're all about to me,

A flashback I always wanted to see.

However, you are seemed to be a mismatched key,

I have to flee without spilling a tea.

Our silence left burrowed tunnels—misery and woe,

I hope you know that I have nothing new—I'm still thinking of you.

[fernfree]

unbeknownst

I am no rumor flying above your head, Just a music with an articulate words and phrases. I am little known to you  A yellow, blue, red, purple, pink sky all imbued

Dropped-off like the unbeknownst petals on the grave, I am no one to you but only shades of numbers and proses. I hate to break it to you but this is me the truest definition of penumbra secrecy,  I exist, I burried, and I am stacked in your darksome ruins.

I hope you know, I am anonymous to you—an x, y, z you once knew I just hope that you did grasped enough, I am still unbeknownst to you

fernfree07/04/2022 02:43

[fernfree]

Real Fears

If I tell you all my fears you would see me different If I ever tell you all about this, you wouldn't let me go through it If I tell you what are these, you wouldn't believe it If I tell you it's complicated you'd think I'm only gaslighting Fear is a byproduct of my inner demon  A demon that callouts void and something enigma Real fear is torture and inevitably haunts me every night This fear splits up to massive black of hysteria Bombarded each present goods with mists and dusks I can see fragments of  elegy embedded in my tongue I can hear speeches of eulogy resonates with mine I feel the message that afflicts my emotional heart I can hear someone grieving for a living To die without achieving something good so far is sad and tragic To feel abandoned is desolation and broken To feel dumb is defeating and regretting To see chaos is  both surviving and ending While I'm trembling with fear of snakes, I think it's dreadful to catch a friend gliding with treachery While it's true that I shivered to panic when spider rolled over my shirt, I think it's more horror to encounter a masochistic man touching my skin  Just the fact that I'm scared of heights and depths, I fear more be left into the air and fall to an abyss of despair I fear a pinnacle of success suddenly to collapse like dead stars I fear every small triumph blown away by jealousy and competition I fear being forgotten and falling away  I fear the magnificent purpose of freedom becomes overrated in such wrong manner I am knocked out by fear to surrender my storms  Cloaked  with mystery and forebodings Scared that a hater have a little knowledge of my fears I fear that my hidden fears thrived and consumed me

I fear that real fears becomes more than real fears--a tragedy

[fernfree]

Running Up That Hill, Make Deal With Real Fear

I've been thinking about running up that hill, passing a runaway deer

I've been thinking about running up that hill, drinking too much beer

I've been thinking about running up that hill like problems I shouldn't fear

I've been thinking about running up that hill, bravery is all I wear

I've been thinking about running up that hill, every single memory I do not wish to remember

I've been thinking about running up that hill, 'til blue skies changed to amber

I've been thinking about running up that hill, every single day is sober

 I've been thinking about running up that hill, like it's now or never

 

I've been thinking about running up that hill, indistinctly flee like mad Heather

I've been thinking about running up that hill, dressed in a stormy weather

I've been thinking about running up that hill, growling night thunder

I've been thinking about running up that hill, each day I disconnectedly maunder

 

I've been thinking about running up that hill, rumbling about a single tear

I've been thinking about running up that hill, troubles every year

I've been thinking about running up that hill, visions of my peer, I call him seer

I've been thinking about running up that hill, the stern wind veer

I've been thinking about running up that hill, nothing much I care

I've been thinking about running up that hill, I always dare

I've been thinking about running up that hill, one voice I always hear

I've been thinking about running up that hill, says make deal with the real fear 

[fernfree]

There were many times that I tend to be indecisive because I am always seeing both the positives and negatives equally in all things. This created a lot of setbacks for me and hold off my progression in life. But there had always been this intuition of mine that would always wanted me to change some things that are needed to be changed for good.

A change that requires elopement from the chaotic city, be wasted like misery for a minute, and floating-like beyond the headspace 'til I've reached the top line of the hill. Right there, I wanted to understand. Just understand then decide after.

For a moment there, I tend to forget my fleeting desire to jump into nowhere because I have sensed a flicker of intuition. A strong intuition to deal with that fear and step down the hill to work on my sanity. That strong intuition propelled my decision to lighten up myself more and tune myself into reality.

The intuition that brings back to reality that there's merely hope despite all the blacks and red lights. I've thought by tuning  into it, I could possibly break free from the mental fog of indecisiveness for good.

[fernfree]

Just like the spectacles of morning fogs in claveria my mind is a  circus of cloud nebula blanketed with a troupe of phantoms ship of stars sailing  next to the most quiet region  of elusive interstellar space.

My head is a big space of gas in which to the rear-end quarter the myriad of ideas and thoughts are found.

Just like the spectacles of morning fogs in claveria my mind is an indistinct rows of maize suffused with something joined debris of an enigma.

My head is filled with gasbags  nagging and pecking a hole inside, smashing and crushing rocks dumping down into the trenches that dug from within.

Just like the spectacles of morning fogs in claveria my mind is a cabaret of self-amusement surrounded by a plethora of various ambiguous words in the seats.

My head is a singing superstar in the solo concerto, enthralling audiences with the bizarre stories it tells. Words damps in the vast expanse of the soloist head whilst forming suds of sad melody in it.

Just like the spectacles of morning fogs in claveria my mind is a gallery of  a misty-eyed bending tree in the blur, what are the odds, if thinking so would make me stood there alone instead?

My head is a great representation of both phantasms and sooth facts, somewhat a plausible pretext sometimes in order to cloak the intention of each  ordinary writings.

[fernfree]

sometimes I just wanted to be like trees—they just grow and grow and exists and just standing still. There are quite moments it felt like I just like to lurk at night—with nobody, just me, the crickets, the blow of wind, the rustle of leaves, the stars, and the dovish dark sky. For some quiet time, I want to exist in the dark to understand and learn a lot.

[fernfree]

there is fear of abandonment that constantly torments my peace. anyone would leave in the end so you have no choice but to leave them first before he or she does. There is so much sufferings when you have no one who would pats you on your back because there are some other days you felt defeated from your mental anguish you couldn't manage very well, so you choose and learn to be alone oftentimes so that you wouldn't feel hurt much when someone leaves you behind. However, you sort of learn to understand their priorities, their situation, and their choices that you are not always what they seemed to choose after all—and that you have to understand yourself too—you have to figure it out how to stand and walk on your own. Languishing is so overrated for someone like me who's only seeking for some alone time—a feeling of fernweh is something I forget to recognize and so I flew somewhere I've never been into and traipsing back my lead to anywhere I've been for so long 'till I could recognize myself again. Everyone seemed to be my temporary homes and so I was to them. Right now is a moment to decide which, what, and who to keep and/or to let go. I choose to find myself more—I choose to breathe in, breathe out, and breathe through—I decide to be with mom right now.

[fernfree]

Idk anything about escaping but one thing that I'm certain, I do have Fernweh—it's "the call of faraway places" — "homesickness for the unknown."