Hello everyone! I haven't been on here in a while, but after moving to a new city and joining a new (lovely, but very grey-haired) parish, I've come to the conclusion that digital community--which once seemed a distraction from the beautiful physical community I was surrounded by in my campus chaplaincy, Catholic women's house, teammates, etc.--might save my marbles, my faith and my hope. Or, at least remind me to turn to God for all of the above (minus, perhaps, the marbles. I'm beginning to think that what the "world" terms insanity is actually a quality required for living a Christian life. More on that later).
The Coles notes: After university, I spent my summer doing an aspirancy with a community of contemplative Dominican nuns. The summary of this is that although there were days when I was happy, and days when I was unhappy (Over things both large and small--did you know that nuns don't have snacks? Or cross their legs?), I experienced more of God's peace, joy and love in those two months than I ever have before. I didn't want to leave, and I really just want to go back. I pray that it's because God is calling me there, and not just because I'm not much liking this post-grad life. I don't think it can be the latter, since I wanted to join and wanted to stay before I knew how much reality bites...but that leads me to this next bit:
So, now I am working and trying to...live. I would say "figure out life", but I think that He's got that covered and is letting me in on that one baby step at a time. By figuring out how to live, I mean that I have an entry-level job doing work that I am overqualified for and don't enjoy. Although it pays more than minimum wage, it still doesn't pay much (I made more money slinging hashbrowns at the university cafeteria...and got free meals during my shifts). Because of that, I am living in my parents' basement and oscillating (on at least an hourly basis) about whether I should buy a second-hand car just so that I can have a 4'x6' space to drive out of town and be alone in (plus, getting to work and Mass when it's -30* would also be nice...but I digress).
I'll admit--my pride feels like it's been kicked in the cajones and is now squirming on the ground while wearing a graduation cap. This wasn't how I pictured the first few months after graduation, or how I pictured my first "real" job. And...underlying it all...I think that I feel "cheated" and am royally pissed off at God, life, everything. And I realize that it's ridiculous, and I really "should" just suck it up, count my blessings and have the patience and humility to realize that this too shall pass...but until I realize and articulate why i feel like this, I don't think that I'll be able to let it go. More on this later--if I mull it over now, I'll go to bed bitter, and I've been doing that too much lately.
So...figuring out how to live. What do I do when I've allowed myself to become irritated by my boss/the clients/the monotony of photocopying 400 sheets of paper which the copier subsequently chews, mangles and chokes to a standstill on? Do I cuss? Do I "offer it up" in a plastic, decidedly unsatisfactory sort of way? Talking about it just seems to make me angrier, and my parents are getting very tired of listening to my dissatisfaction. The parish: why are there no young people? How do I fight to make faith not just a Sunday thing in the absence of the community and collective enthusiasm that I'm used to? How do I deal with the fact that I am always the only one crossing myself and mumbling (it would be too confrontational to actually say it) grace before meals when I am with my family? And is it really possible to not go crazy when my best means of serving God sometimes seem to consist of...lovingly...stapling at a right-angle to a document's corner rather than stapling in a haphazard manner?
It's odd--God's been with me, and I've been with God, through some big life crises. He's also been with me through many times of dryness--but, in the heat of the moment, I don't think I've ever had to deal with such pointless-seeming monotony before.
So: how do you see and serve God in the middle of circumstances that you are not fond of, in the midst of failed plans and dreams, and while you are the quintessential arts major who moved back in with her parents after graduation? How do you let this lead you closer to God, rather than letting it turn you into a bitter empty husk of a human being?
Because right now, I really need to know.
