Fibro Girl Works Out

crass-mouthed fibromyalgic and the ups and downs of at-home exercise

[fibrogirlworksout]

I was going to tell you what I did on Days 3 and 4 but then I wrote this instead so I'll do a better update tomorrow because my temples are starting to pulse and I think that's considered bad in most cultures

First off, let me say that I have officially decided that keeping a journal of what you do every day is really good idea. I didn't realize how much more I was doing on Day 3 than on Days 1 and 2 until I wrote it all out and Day 3 was a page by itself. That is also really terrifying because it gives you the opportunity to go "whoa, I am doing SO much, I can just not do anything today". I am currently writing this blog post because I have fallen about halfway into that void today and I know that writing to you (all 7 of you, hell yeah!) will make me feel obligated to actually get off my ass and work out tonight instead of continuing to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer until my medicine kicks in and I pass out. If we're being honest, I'm probably going to spend a lot of my work out time moving my computer around my room so that I can do both at the same time. Which is cool, right? Because what makes you want to get in shape more than the idea of kicking vampire ass while delivering feisty one-liners? Pretty much nothing.

Anyways, since I find my lists of specific exercises getting longer and longer, until I catch up, I'm just going to tell you the new things that I've added and any major developments.

But if you're trying to do the things I'm trying to do, here's how I'm deciding how many of things to do as I move on. Quite simply, I'm getting to the point I was at a few days before and finding out "hey, I'm not about to collapse. I'll do a few more!" I usually try to go up by 5. So, for example, on Day 1 I did a 40 second modified plank. On Day 3, I got to 40 seconds and felt like I could go a little longer so I tried to hold it for 50 seconds instead. On Day 4 I tried the unmodified version (where your feet/legs are in the position they would be in to do a regular push-up) and found that, while it was a hell of a lot more difficult and VERY BURN-Y, I could do it. So I did.

And I think that is probably the best way for any of us to increase our exercise. Some of us have more mild or more severe cases of illness or have more than one illness/disability. Body types in general differ in how easily muscle strength can be built up. I don't know whether I am seeing such a big difference so immediately because I started from pretty much nothing and any strength feels like a lot of strength or if it's because I have a body which is blessed to be able to build muscle easily. I suspect it is a combination of the two. But just know that how easy it is for your body to actually build the muscles you are exercising depends entirely on your genetics. So if you're not having immediate results like I am, it's not because you're doing something wrong or because you're weak or any of those hateful things we tell ourselves, it is just because your body is not the type of body that was meant to build muscle really quickly. And that's okay because that probably means you have the type of body that will take longer to get to the point you want to be at, but will stay at that point with much more stability once you get there. That may not seem very important now but when you get there and then have a flare that knocks you off your routine for a couple days, you'll probably be able to start back up pretty much right where you left off. Which will be such a relief when it inevitably happens.

In conclusion, move at whatever pace is appropriate for you and don't feel bad about it because you will make progress and when you do you will feel so validated and you will be like "yes! this is doing something! thank every deity ever!".

So be well and be proud because just thinking about working out takes more strength for you than most people could possibly imagine and THAT, my dears, is the gospel truth.

[fibrogirlworksout]

Why is everyone in fitness diagrams really skinny and muscular?

I already feel inadequate, I do not need muscular women smiling at me while they demonstrate how ~*easy*~ everything is.

Jerks.

[fibrogirlworksout]

What I Did (Days 1 and 2)

Day 1 was, surprisingly, not the worst of the three pain-wise but was probably the worst morale-wise. Insecurity and disappointment don't even begin to cover it. Any way here's what I got done.

I did these things two times

6 sit-ups (trust me on this one, get those toes under a couch or something. Remember to keep your neck and back as straight as possible.)

15 crunches (crunches are actually not too hard! Hooray!)

40 second (modified) plank (it looks like that V looks easy. not easy. that smile is a lie. focusing on keeping your belly button and butt pulled in tight will help you keep that line. DO THIS IF YOU CAN! IT'S WORTH IT, I SWEAR! If this version is still a little too difficult, try bending your knees so your feet are in the air. That will put a little less pressure on your body)

40 second wall sit (like that V another one that looks easier than it is. head, shoulders, back, and butt against the wall. Again, focus on pulling your abs in toward your spine)

15 squats (also not as hard as I thought they'd be. Though this may be because there are too many motherfucking stairs in this motherfucking house and I have unwillingly adjusted. Don't let your knees get past your feet. Stick your butt out, pull your belly button toward your spine like when you're trying to zip really tight jeans. Only go as far down as you feel comfortable with!)

(apparently, the internet has no pictures of a Woman of Color doing regular squats. seriously, go google image 'squats')

10 lunges (per leg, for a total of 20 lunges)

(really, internet? this non-white people exercising thing is not rocket science. wtf)

10 side lying leg lifts (surprisingly burn-y. like... really damn burn-y.)

about a minute of something I read about but don't know the name for that is essentially running in place except you have to bend your knee far enough to almost kick yourself in the butt? Will henceforth be referred to as butt-kicks.

I did these things 3 times

25 wall pushups (as I said before, I could not do 2 push ups on Day 1. So I did a bunch of these instead)

15 wall push ups with my hands very close together (make a diamond with your hands instead of putting them under your shoulders. these work different muscles and, for me, were far more difficult)

(ooo look, a pregnant White woman)

I didn't do these in any particular order. More like whatever let me stay as close to the position I was already in as possible. I was also watching a toddler at the time so reps were often broken up by cleaning yogurt off faces and such things. Moral of the story: don't feel like you must do everything all at once, right in a row because exercise is miserable enough without giving yourself a break every now and then to pour yourself a glass of milk or lay on the ground with your eyes shut tight trying to convince yourself to move.

Day 2I was able to do a little bit more than on Day 1 and doing any exercise involving my abs was nothing less than god-awful.

2x

8 sit-ups (ouch! there was a lot of noise making and teeth clenching involved)

20 crunches

30 side crunches (15 each side)

50 second modified plank

45 second wall sit

20 side-lying leg lifts (10 per leg)

3x

20 lunges (10 per leg)

18 squats

30 wall push-ups

12 close-handed wall push-ups

And then I got fancy and added some things that use weights (I'm using 4 lb. weights right now. Full water bottles will work too, if you have them)

3x each

standing V raise (hold the second position for a couple second)

12 shoulder presses

12 triceps kickbacks (hold the second position for a couple seconds)

12 bicep curls

10 arm raises

And that concludes the run-down of exactly what I did on Days 1 and 2. I'll try to update tomorrow with 3 and 4 and will hopefully be completely up to date by Wednesday.

[fibrogirlworksout]

Day 4: MOAR SPOONS

If I'd known what a difference 4 days of working out would make, I would have started writing on Day 1.

I don't know what tomorrow will be like but these first four days have been hellish so let's get straight to the point: I've got fibromyalgia, if you're reading this you probably have fibromyalgia. So there's no reason for me to lie to you and pretend that beginning an exercise routine with fibro doesn't suck hairy ballsack. But here's why I'm determined to keep doing it this time:

1) I'm at an all-time physical fitness low and if there's one thing I hate more than anything else in the world it's feeling like I'm too weak to do things. (It's part of the reason I just loooooove having stupid fibromyalgia) 4 days ago I couldn't do two pushups. Not "didn't try hard enough", not "it hurt too much", I physically COULD. NOT. do 2 pushups. I did not have the strength to. And that is not a reality I am prepared to live in.

I used to dream about post-apocalyptic war zones full of zombies and shit and, in those dreams, I was a bad-ass bitch shooting heads off the undead and kicking ass. Lately, my dreams have been of being locked away in some crazy's basement dungeon torture chamber, too weak to defend myself against his daily attacks. And not being able to do 2 pushups really made me realize that these more recent dreams are much more descriptive of my physical prowess (or lack thereof). That is not okay with me. If I'm gonna go down, I'm at least gonna leave an attacker thinking "wow, that girl was a helluva lot stronger than I expected, she was pretty hard to take down".

Maybe that's a weird motivation to begin working out, but I am weirdly motivated by daydreams in which I am violently attacked by abusive men from my past and end up kicking all of their asses and occasionally being forced to kill one of them... So it works for me.

2) My ass does not look the way I want it to and if I stand the right way I can look a little like I'm pregnant. Not fat; pregnant.

And while I'm at it let me just make this clear: If you're fat, I think your body is beautiful and some of the most physically fit people I know are quite fat and they look incredible. This is not a fat-shaming blog. If I ever fat-shame, everyone feel free to promptly give me an e-punch in the face. Fat=/=unhealthy and skinny=/=healthy or fit. Big is beautiful, small is beautiful, in between is beautiful. Whatever body type you have, as long as you are happy with it and confident in it, it is absolutely fucking gorgeous and I will personally steal all the belongings of anyone who tries to make you feel differently. We are all motherfucking goddesses or some shit, okay?

Personally, I come from a long line of abnormally gangly people. Most members of my family are over 6 ft tall (actually, my grandmother and I are the ONLY exceptions) and most of them, at my age, weigh or weighed less than 175 lbs. We are some boney assed, awkward looking motherfuckers. However, we are also abnormally prone to getting pot-bellies. Big ones. Like, dudes looking like they're about to give birth to triplets, big ole, naturally-occurring, life-long pot bellies.

I am not about that pot-belly life. And since I am a high-ranking cabinet member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee (small 32A, bitches!), even the smallest of pot bellies can protrude farther than my boobs and make me feel even more self-conscious about the size of my chest than I do when I try to shop at Victoria's Secret. (Sidenote: I get it, VS, my boobs are the smallest of the small and I should be ashamed of them, you can stop putting 3 inches worth of padding in my bras now because that shit is really uncomfortable and also not fooling anyone. Thanks!)

Now back to the point: Maybe wanting my butt to be higher and tighter and feel resentful of my pot belly genetics is not very Feminist(TM)-y or body-positive but it is the truth. I am not happy with the way my body looks. I have, therefore, set out to change it while also getting stronger and more flexible and stuff. Even if my body stays the same exact shape that it is right now, I'd still really like to be able to kick someone's ass if when I felt so inclined.

However, as previously stated, working out with fibromyalgia is a terrible, horrible, awful, really bad experience. But I am realizing that exercise also has some major upsides. That whole thing people say about how you'll have "MORE ENERGY!" and "BE MORE MOTIVATED!"... well, it's kinda true. The reason those things usually sound so dumb and unconvincing is that they make it out like exercise is some sort of pain-free solution to all of your problems. Like free Prozac laced with Molly or something. And people are, for the most part, not complete morons and know that that is a gigantic load of fermenting shit. We know that exercising burns and makes you sweaty and reek like those eggs you left in the back of your fridge after you made pie that one time. And for those of us with various syndromes that make it painful just to exist, inviting us to exercise is kind of like telling us you're going to tie us up in that basement torture chamber I mentioned earlier.

For me, this aversion to exercise quadruples when there are other people involved. Most of the time, when I exercise, I hate my body, my illness, and my life in general way too much to allow anyone else to witness it. This is a problem because it means that, for the moment, solutions like a gym membership, personal trainer, exercise buddy, yoga classes, running, or anything else that involves even the slightest chance of someone seeing me are out. That leaves me with no equipment, and no one to tell me to get my lazy ass off the ground and keep going. And even if I felt comfortable working out with others, I would still feel isolated from able bodied fit folks. You can't really complain about or rave about different workouts with most people because working out when you have a chronic illness is such an entirely different experience than working out as an able-bodied person. It's a much bigger sacrifice for us. Able-bodied people could not possibly understand how many spoons it takes to exercise for "ONLY 20 MINUTES A DAY!". It takes a fucking lot of spoons. It takes a lot of reserve spoons. Some days, it takes more spoons than you have to offer.

And that's why I'm starting this blog. Because I've made it 4 days so far and I actually feel pretty great about it. I do have more energy and I am more motivated. Granted, that has really only started today and it is less of a Molly-laced Prozac and more of a reserve supply of contentedness. For example, last week I walked a mile and a half to the grocery store (and a mile and half uphill on the way back) only because my younger brother was obviously really bored and I don't get to see him that often so I like to go do things with him, even if it hurts a lot. I didn't really want to go and if I'd had access to a car I would definitely have driven instead.

Today, after I had worked out and gotten dressed, I decided I really wanted pie or cheesecake. And I walked. I didn't really have to make a decision to do it. I didn't have to decide if I was sure I could make it up the hills on the way home. I just felt like walking 3 miles was pretty doable. The idea of walking there and back seemed less like a giant hurdle I wouldn't be able to make it over and more like... a 2x4 laying on the ground.

I can jump over a 2x4. I might even have a good time doing it.

To the average viewer, that probably doesn't sound like much of a pay off. But for those who have a chronic illness or anything else that makes exercising one of the most daunting tasks life has to offer, that is life-changing. I have more spoons.

I just feel like I have a lot MORE spoons.

I'll write more about the actual exercising I did and the after-effects later. Maybe someone will care that I'm writing this and feel like they can work out. That would be cool. And just in case that happens, I'll keep track of what it is exactly that I'm doing so that it's repeatable. More than anything, I just want a record of where I'm starting off.

And like I said, if I'd known that I'd have more spoons on Day 4, I would have started writing on Day 1. Because, y'all, I sure did not have more spoons on Days 1-3.