Fifi's World

This is my world. This is my life. The daily struggles we go through everyday are tough and things can improve. I wished things can be better for everyone so maybe its time to look up and think for the better. This is what I go through daily and hope to make the realization about how life can always look brighter. Living through depression isn’t easy and tired ins what I do through daily

[fifisworld212]

Days where I can barely move

There are times where I can barely move or get out of bed. Feeling the most lonely then I have ever felt before. The continued thought of me being unhappy is where I’m meant to be. I have seen so much happiness around me where relationships are at its peaks and here I am miserable with Ben and Jerries ice cream being my only source of comfort knowing that they are the only two men in my life who will never let me down, besides the delivery man who visits once a month with my takeaway food.

The loneliness and the depression can be quite unsettling at times and wanting with desire to be with someone again; but not knowing if I am wanting to go through the pain and anguish again makes it harder. I know that not everyone is the same when it comes to dating and that in relationships arguments do happen but do I want to be the one who is heartbroken again? Do I want to forfeit my heart and feelings again? Am I in the right state of mind to go down that path again? All valid questions that I can’t answer

[fifisworld212]

The times of mindless racing thoughts

There are times where I often thing about my life. Long or short periods where I zone out and think about the good the bad and the ugly. But then there are times where I ask myself the question of why. Why do I feel a certain incapability to be able to get out of this dapravity situation I put myself in.

There are times that I think that I want someone to talk to. To be around to make my life whole again, to which I don’t mean just the people important to me like family and friends. But I want something more sometimes because I hate being alone by myself but there are times when it’s nice to be by myself so I can explore and be me more. I’m in a catch 22 with myself. Always asking do I want this? and why do I want it? Will it help me out. Will it be worth it later? Will this make you happy? Will it fox those problems that you’re having at that moment?

I might seem like there might be a problem with me I sometimes think, but then there might be more people like me out there the I think

[fifisworld212]

Calming relaxation

I can’t say that everything in a persons life is simple and can’t be fixed easily. Anxiety can sometimes make you do things for the better of your life sometimes the worst. Most times I sit in a corner and cry because I don’t know how to control my anxiety, there are other times however I know that the simplest things can calm it down even the slightest bit helps.

To try and help calm my anxiety I clean and I don’t stop cleaning until I can smell the bleach or the strong scent of the cleaning products I’m using to make my eyes run. Another thing to calm my anxiety is to organise myself, writing stuff down or calling people to help me sort things out. I don’t want to be left in the larch about things I want to get things sorted out quickly.

It may be a bit of OCD behaviour to calm my anxiety but it’s the only thing to keep me calm.

[fifisworld212]

Hate when things don’t go to plan

I always say that I want to do things myself and I want to sort things out quickly. But when the world doesn’t co operate with you quickly enough to get things sorted it really messes with my mental health.

I have been begging and nagging for a certain bill to come through for over a year and the finally send it to me and expect me to pay it out in one large sum. I cannot do this straight away, yes I should’ve been saving for it but not expecting a bill 13 months later and expect me to pull it out of my back pocket. I hate people like this who totally screw you over and expect you not to eat or survive. It’s kinda my fault but the systems fault where they should think people like me can afford even a loaf of bread to get by

[fifisworld212]

People’s voices can really send you to sleep

I would say that I am on the boarderline of having insomnia. Where I’m not up all night or anything like that but do get up regularly interrupting a deep sleep most nights. I get up half a dozen times in these deep sleep fazes and it’s incredibly hard for me to get back to sleep or stay asleep after the fact. But there are some peoples voices that can easily send me off to sleep what feels like hours of sleep and I could hear these people all day every day.

David Attenborough is one of my favourites he can easily send me to sleep whenever I’m listening/watchjng something and he sends me into a deep sleep as he has the most amazing speaking voice with whatever he does. I just listen to him talk and I can easily drift off listening. There are other people who are just as good but he gets me off to sleep like a lightbulb.

[fifisworld212]

When you know, you know

I for one know I have been through enough in my own life to realise that sometimes I can only take so much from certain people.

I have been used and abused. I’ve been through trauma I’ve been through hell, only to realise that I am a lot happier now in my life not in comparison to the last several years where I lost my laughter, happiness and smile to where over the past year I found it again.

I thought I found someone who could be on the cards possibly for the future but only to realise that they want me cut out so enough of that and actually realise that being single is always the better way to love and live you better life.

It’s going to take time for me to realise what I really want from my life and it definitely isn’t to be torn down by someone who made me feel insecure about myself and actually still be me. But perhaps a better version of me and actually treats me like a princess that I deserve and not a punch bag to use and abuse b me. I always as myself am I willing to commit myself to someone else or is it important to think about number one (me) before anything else? To me that’s sometimes an easy answer but not at times when you feel the loneliest.

Sometimes loving yourself needs to be the most important thing. I’ve treated myself not better then I have done in the last year then I did for the past ten. People have noticed a lovely change when things happen for the better and as long as they’re happy then so am I.

[fifisworld212]

If I could live my life again

If I could go back and live my life again o would only do it better and think about things and I’m the knowledge and the headspace that I am in at this moment.

You’ve got to be realistic about these thing about what you want and what you can achieve and what lessons you have learnt. I know that my dreams somewhat have been destroyed because of my poor choices in trusting certain people, but you have to slowly pick up the pieces and ask yourself questions which you might not want to hear. Just do thing better and look out for no 1 besides your family

[fifisworld212]

Life as an over thinker

I’m not going to deny the notion that I am an overthinker. An over thinker and proud. But there letdowns of these notions can be quite intimidating at the best of times which can feel like I’m a constant game of good cop bad cop with myself but going around in my brain that doesn’t switch off: I always think of every possible scenario. That’s what is over thinkers do we ask ourselves the difficult questions that no one dares asks or even thinks about. I would say it’s a little like an analysis but with our thought process that we can’t switch it off it’s a vicious cycle.

It sucks sometimes cause you can’t let go or you pick up that same problem again. It’s painful, I’ve lost sleep, I’ve lost my family, I’ve lost dreams, I’ve lost my friends, I’ve lost myself. It feels like someone is trying to tell me to let go to fight what I want. I then ask, what do I want? I don’t know what I want anymore. All I want is a bit of clarity and help and the knowledge to know that everything is going to be ok and it’s fine to cry even though I don’t cry enough.

I’ve thought about seeking help, this might be partially because of my metal health issues, but it might be because of the lack of sleep or it could be something else I can’t be sure. But I want people to know that there are others out there who might be struggling like myself who don’t fully understand what’s going on. I’m there with that stereotype. I’ll happily fit the bill

[fifisworld212]

Why should I give my heart away again?

I often ask myself this question when it was already crush by someone I thought I loved and thought who loved me back. But clearly my assumptions were wrong.

I don’t want to risk giving my heart away again so quickly when in was already shattered into what feels like a million pieces. Sometimes I might come over cold and aloof but doesn’t mean that there isn’t any hidden agenda behind it. I want to make sure that the next person I give my heart to doesn’t tamper with it again.

I’ve only just managed to pick up the pieces for myself, to get my life semi back on track where I’m trying to look after myself one step at a time but I don’t know if I’m willing to go though that again where my progress gets destroyed again and I don’t look after myself.

Sometimes you need to wake up and smell the coffee to realised that not every relationship works out for the best but then you can’t loose yourself in the process. I might’ve lost my dreams from what I thought was to be love but I hope to pick them back up again someday perhaps not right now but I don’t want my soul to be crushed again.

[fifisworld212]

Never felt so alone

Never have I thought that I would feel so alone in this moment. I hate the thought of being lonely and having people around me and making my world complete. However how hard I realise that sometimes I’m better off alone in particular circumstances there are times where I prefer people’s company to make me realise that life is worth living and remind me everyday it’s worth living and not dwelling on the circumstances or certain events

[fifisworld212]

Being sad and lonely

There is nothing worse then fake smiling at people and pretending that everything is ok isnt reality. I am always lately finding myself for sad and lonelier then ever. Crying at a great song but then realising that here I am nearly thirty and wanting someone in your life seems more agonisingly painful then ever. Thinking my life is over now and I’m on my own wishing I had someone in your life to make it complete but also safe and somehow k think I’m not going to have that.

I’m going to end up like Bridget jones on the shelf unintentionally making myself more miserable

[fifisworld212]

The heart is the hardest part of the body to heal

I have had my heart broken, shattered. It’s taken me long alone time to pick up the pieces and put my heart back together as well as my life.

I don’t wanna give my heart away again to break it open again as I’ve already done that to which it ruined my life. My relationship with myself, the relationship with my family and the relationship with my friends.

I have developed trust issues. I have developed hatred. I’m more body conscious. I cry myself to sleep some nights. They’re my issues to deal with cause I don’t wanna be hurt again and have my heart ripped apart again.

Now is the time to focus on me and mend relationships that were fractured by the person who I thought loved me. This person also abused my emotions and financially and I don’t wanna get into that ever again.

[fifisworld212]

Past time trauma

You broke me. You broke my heart. You broke my spirit. You made me loose myself. You made me loose my family. I lost my friends because of you. You hurt me. I lost who I was because of you. You made me depressed & suffer with trauma.

Enough is enough now I’m taking my life back one step at a time. I suffer everyday and ask myself why I feel the way I do. It all comes back to you and what you did to me. I became unhappy and lonely. Looking upon my life thinking what an idiot I was and still am for falling for someone who made it hard. I always ask why do I feel this way whenever I’m alone. It’s hard to keep smiling when deep down is hard .

[fifisworld212]

I can’t stand the yelling and pushing

I know myself better then anyone and it stresses me out knowing that I’m struggling with what normal people find quite simple to sort out. I can’t stand people pushing me and yelling at me it makes me feel degraded and makes me feel anxious and depressed.

I know I need help and it’s a struggle for me to even do the simplest tasks that might take five minutes but I want to make sure that I do everything correctly and that I don’t make any mistakes. That’s the last thing I want to do. For them to tell me off for doing it saying something wrong. Even thinking or even talking about it is making it fifty times worse.

I know these things need to get done. But it is a struggle to keep going as I don’t like it and making me more tense then I need to be.

[fifisworld212]

Happiness is very hard

There are things that make different people happy but when you can’t concentrate on things that make you happy as there’s a lot going on it’s very hard. Being someone I never thought I’d become actually become.

I barely sleep I’ve lost my appetite I’ve lost my passion for my hobbies. I’ve become grumpy I’ve wanted to scream at people to leave me alone and I wanted to talk to people sometimes. I now live in a box of emptiness wondering where this lovely women went.

I wish I know what’s happening to me that’s causing MS to feel like this as I know it isn’t my hormones or me being a plain diva but I just want to feel normal.

[fifisworld212]

Alot of question not enough answers

There are alot of questions going around in peoples mind's when you are suffering with mental health issues. i have always asked alot of questions about my mental health like how i became like this and why I always think im not good enough or all of those questions or why i have become like this.

these questions i dont think i will ever ind the answer to in a long time because it is never easy to come up with a suitable answer for someone like me.

Some things cant be helped but they will come in eventually but when that will be for me i shall never know

[fifisworld212]

I don’t recognise the women I once was

I look in the mirror and not recognise the women I once was. All I see staring back at me is a person who hasn’t got any emotion left a complete different fovscious women I thought I’d once knew has gone.

Was always wanting her dreams to come true and to be happy but I can’t see her anymore. She isn’t recognisable to me, the women I see. All I see is someone’s dreams were crushed and dashed and someone being bullied out of their own home she’s been living for years. 6 years ago I lost that women, I want her back. You broke my spirit, you made me loose love my family my friends my whole life I gave it to you. Now it’s all gone