Archive of myself

he/him i write about the things lurking deepest in my soul.

[fightingtheshell]

Inside

The silence aches, the clock ticks.

I can feel it clawing its way up again,

scratching at the top of my throat.

"Let me out" it begs, with promises of being okay.

"I can't" is all I can muster against it;

I made a promise, after all.

These nights are common

common to a point where it disgusts me that I still think about it.

The putrid being inside me, the slimy shell I keep hidden;

it wants to be a part of me again.

Its disgusting smile, the way it slithers up to people...

it turns my stomach around.

But if I’m being honest, my hate for it is not justified.

All it wants is love the love it was refused.

It wanted attention the attention it never got.

Just to be seen, for a change.

But its ways left me feeling only pure hatred.

The clock ticks again as I take a steady breather,

only to notice my inner child has become something abhorrent.

Only to realize I have become something repulsive.

[fightingtheshell]

Comfort

Cruel, unforgiving world,

I took your comfort for granted.

The demons you made me fight,

the constant struggle my life had become.

It was nothing but a cycle to me;

I took breath with every piece of agony

and self-loathing I could muster.

Why did you leave me now,

this empty and abused?

Oh beautiful world,

filled with love and joy,

I took your sight for granted.

The way rivers flowed, flowers bloomed,

the sky shaped the clouds.

The creatures scurrying about,

the warm rays of sunshine hitting my face,

feeling cherished.

Why did you take my wonder and awe away

after giving me something this beautiful?

How this world has become hollow for me,

greys mixing together;

no more agony nor beauty,

it is all empty to me.

Now, I look hazardly out once in a while

and spot something I don’t take for granted,

and the world seems to bloom

once more, if only for a little.

[fightingtheshell]

Missing

These days seem to blur into each other,

the spark I had fading with every passing day.

How I used to hold onto everybody.

How I used to look at the small things.

It all grew sour,

thorns raking up my body.

I grew distant, colder,

your words rattle in my very soul.

I can’t stand it anymore,

the thought of how much I did to be somebody.

Why is the comfort of my own so much better

than having people around me?

I tend to think a lot nowadays;

whenever I used to blurt something out that bothered me,

it stays locked inside.

Whenever someone wants to come close, I keep them away.

Deep inside, the one I was is still there

he wants to help others,

he wants to be with others.

The silence that used to frighten me soothes me now.

It doesn’t matter anymore; I grew into something silent.

It never mattered.

They never listened.

I miss being alive.

[fightingtheshell]

Machine

My body: a machine.

Twisted, filled with cogs and gears;

Deteriorated, with clogged pipes and messy wiring.

Movement is jagged.

I just need maintenance.

My head: a microchip.

Implanted without care; they never matched the parts.

Viruses and bugs screwing with the programming.

Thinking is slow.

I never got any maintenance.

My soul: spare parts.

I crafted it myself you never cared to give me one.

It flickers softly, a reminder

That even the smallest fires can burn.

It feels intensely.

Even abandoned, I do.

I will maintain myself,

Because I care for this rusty machine.

With new parts, I will create a new self.

Because:

I overcame my maker.

[fightingtheshell]

Hope

You made me this way, didn’t you?

Rejecting me at every corner,

Your thorns hurting me whenever I came close.

Your roars still echo in my ears

I never meant to make you angry.

Your punishments, cruel and unjust;

I felt so alone.

You made me this way, right?

Locking me in that place,

With only myself for company.

My love for you was met with disgust.

I was never enough, no matter how hard I tried.

You made me this way, can’t you see?

Blaming me for everything wrong,

While you were always the victim.

Fighting back only brought guilt and more wrath.

And even when I ran, you caught me again and again

The fate only getting crueler.

Oh please, just say you made me this way.

Acknowledge it for once.

I kept my distance, but you still creep onto me.

What a misery.

I grew cold in your eyes, but you never showed me warmth.

How could I be so stupid to think a monster would change?

Please, just tell me:

How can a child hate their own mother?

[fightingtheshell]

Wings

My reflection is a curse.

The sheer sight of it makes my skin crawl.

How can others perceive me without their guts turning?

Every detail, it's wrong.

This is not me.

So many flaws, I count them daily.

The longer I look, the more deformed I get.

They know, don’t they?

The vile exterior is only a glimpse

of what is slumbering inside.

I was never meant to be a butterfly.

I want to break through the shell, spreading my wings,

but I was never meant to be a butterfly.

Maybe I don't need to be one.

But they want a butterfly.

I was never their butterfly.

I was a moth.

[fightingtheshell]

In the end, you're the only one left besides yourself.

[fightingtheshell]

Letter

I could write sorry a thousand times on this paper, and it would never amount to the regret I feel.

I say it a hundred times a day because it feels like the right thing to do, a payment for my actions. I am sorry for everything I ever did, even the most minuscule things. I am sorry, again and again.

But I was never sorry for myself.

So, I dedicate this to you, so you may feel seen for once.

I am sorry for abandoning you. I am sorry for neglecting you. I am sorry for hurting you, for torturing you, for hiding you. I am sorry for starving you. I am sorry for exploiting you.

I am sorry. I truly am.

I am sorry you have to exist inside me.

[fightingtheshell]

Peace

Me and my shadow: a toxic relationship.

Wherever I went, you followed, claiming to protect what was left. At the start, you were just a humble warning pointers in the right direction. But with time, you grew arrogant.

Your warnings turned into threats. You left my throat closed and my body shivering. You told me to stop going to school; you showed me the faces of evil. I trusted you. You were trying to protect me, after all.

But you only grew worse, your size devouring my space, your methods turning drastic. Tying my legs. Locking my room. Oh, how I trusted you.

When I finally found a way to free myself, you came for the killing blow. You knocked me unconscious and left me in this cold, hard room. I spent years in your isolation, begging for air, while you tortured me daily. My thoughts ate away at me; my body ached from the static. My head can’t take this anymore. I can’t believe I trusted you.

You took everything. You cast your net and waited for me to drown in your cold embrace. I was done. You won.

But then, I witnessed death’s door for the first time.

What a beautiful sight to behold. I was in pure reverence at the sight of it. It was nothing like you. You are a false prophet,a fake harbinger, a small thing that just wants to feel important. That day, I realized the difference between you and real dread.

I will never be bound to you again.

I hope you can forgive me for wanting to live.

[fightingtheshell]

Cycle

Change is imminent; change is constant.

Like the sea forming the rocks that end up as sand.

Like the rain deteriorating the structures we build.

Everything grinds back down to its origins.

Change is imminent; change is constant.

Like our cells reproducing just to die again.

Like our motivations now a mere shadow of what was.

If everything ends the same, is it even change?

Change is a vicious cycle; change is an illusion.

I deteriorate my body with poison, only to cleanse it again.

I work on myself, only to make the same mistakes again.

I never changed.

I just came to terms with being human.

[fightingtheshell]

Guts

Heavy lidded I lie here, my body itching to do something greater.

But my soul is so, so tired a familiar beast slithering through my guts.

It’s been with me since I could first think, devouring the flames I’ve built up.

It nourishes itself on me, eating me from the inside out.

The trail it leaves is empty; only regret and shame follow behind it.

Supplements help suppress its hunger, but it dwells.

It comes out again on my darkest days, weakness spreading through my body

no matter how much I fight it. I just want to be great

But I can’t.

I feel only hate against my parasite. No I shouldn’t.

It’s the only one that stayed beside me through my darkest times,

comforting me in its twisted ways.

Instead, I feel only hate against myself, for not standing up against it.

[fightingtheshell]

I made peace with being the villain in my story,

but I never wanted to be the villain in yours.

[fightingtheshell]

Trade

I used to browse daily, watching the best items from afar in the silence of my return. The currency came straight from the soul a mere peek into what little was left of me.

I used to browse daily, switching masks to appease the merchant. I never had enough to give, so I settled for less. I was lured by the forbidden urge to feel again, paying a price both morbid and hollow a cruel, immoral display.

I used to browse daily until I lost any sense of self, feeding my identity into the festering hole inside. The currency was deceitful, a mirror reflecting exactly what I had become: worthless.

I used to feel something, but I lost that when people became mere items in my search for approval. Fueled by years of neglect, I became the very thing I feared most.

I became the monster I once hid from. I won't go back. I won't browse again. But the Doom hasn't left; it’s just waiting.

[fightingtheshell]

TW; sh, addiction

Romance

Silence falls when I step into your embrace; the demons finally stop their screaming. An ugly comfort surrounds me at your touch addictive, yet slowly smothering the fire within. You lure me in daily, and a single taste leaves me in a trance I can’t fight. I swear I won’t fall back into these habits, yet it happens again and again.

Your soft kisses run over my skin, leaving me breathless. The marks you leave are velvet, blooming across me as a fresh sign of my failure. They drip softly onto the sheets as defeat sets in. The silence was only a lie; the voices rev up the moment I reluctantly place you back on the shelf, leaving my reflection caught in your metallic skin your edge still bloodied with me.

[fightingtheshell]

Preservation

I cut my claws for you.

I ground down my horns and replaced my sharp teeth,

smoothing the spikes that once covered my skin.

I even smothered the fire that was burning me up

all just so you wouldn't hurt yourself.

But all it did was leave me vulnerable.

Now, it has all grown back, fiercer than before,

and I don't know if I have the strength to shed it again.

[0ddoblivion]

[fightingtheshell]

Static

The silhouettes are back, lurking in the periphery. They are crude shapes faceless, yet staring. I feel exposed, judged by hollow outlines that threaten to swallow me whole. Who are they to judge? They know nothing. My breath hitches as they close in. I feel the static first in my heart, then rising like a physical weight into my throat. It’s hard to breathe. My chest tightens, my fingers go cold, and the static finally claims my body. The fear is gone, replaced by a familiar void. I have turned into the shape that scared me.