I miss you

The name is Bree Martin, Brilliant college sophomore at USC studying pre-med. Eventually everyone will be calling me doctor Martin but for now Queen is fine. Born and raised in Chicago before I moved to Ohio for a bit but if you don't ask me about my past and we can skip to the good part Engaged to Ryder Lynn Bryder 1x1

[fightonbree]

Just give me a reason || Bryder

[ryderatusc]

“Baby, how could having a kid be me throwing my life away when that’s pretty muh all I’ve ever wanted? I want a family. You walking away with my kid would be my life being thrown away.” Ryder held Bree close and stroked her back as she cried. All too soon though she was pulling away and telling him once again that she was leaving for him. “Do you realize how crazy you sound right now, Bree? I want you. That’s all I’ve wanted since we were sixteen. The only future I want is one where I’m with you. I wanted us to get married some day and have a house in the burbs with kids and a dog. We may be doing things out of order, but right now you’re talking about taking away two of the things I want most in the world. Please don’t.”

[fightonbree]

Ryder wasn't seeing the same picture of their future that Bree was. Bree wss already thinking of the struggles they would face, how those hardships could wear them thin and would lead to the end of their relationship. Bree was thinking of the lost dreams and hopes that could come from Ryder putting her and their child as his main priority. "Because you should want more. You should always want more than just me and a family with me." Those two sentences said so much about Bree's self-esteem. Bree often would praise herself and would even say that she was the best thing that ever graced the face of the planet, but that was all a facade that not even she believed.

She took a breath honestly feeling tired. All it took was Ryder saying please to make her entire resolve crumble. She sat down all-the-while feeling terrified of Ryder's dream. Could she ever be the girl that had it all? Could she honestly havr thr baby, the dog, the white picket fence with weekends at the park with her 2.5 kids? She wasn't sure but opening up to the fact that she could meant never having to give Ryder up. The more she looked at his eyes tbe more she couldn't bear with the thought of losing him. She couldn't be the person to tell him that he was going to be a dad only to not let him be a part of their baby's life. "This isn't going to be easy." She finally gave in with a small nip at her own lip. "I don't know how to be a mom," especially with how little her own mother had been involved in her life."and I don't know the first thing about eventually being a wife." She paused not liking the sound of being a wife all that much. "I don't even know if being a wife is something I can say that I'd be open to." Bree had always thought that she wasn't the type of girl you marry, not the type of girl you take home to mom But obviously Ryder thought differently. "And just because I'm having your baby doesn't mean that marriage is something that will eventually happen, it just means..." What did it mean? That she loved him more than words? That she trusted him more than anyone, or was itmore selfish? Was this just about her and her inability to go through with the abortion? Would she have kept the baby if she hadn'thave gone thriugh with an abortion earlier in life. Probably just because this was Ryder's baby. Now Bree looked down at her stomach and back at Ryder. "Are you sure, absolutely sure this is what you want? If you say yes and then back out on me Ryder I swear I'm never going to forgive you." Fear set in even more at the reality that she was accepting the fact that she was no longer trying to run.

[fightonbree]

Just give me a reason || Bryder

[ryderatusc]

Before he even could even start begging, Bree was calling him out for groveling. Ryder honestly couldn’t bring himself to care. For so many months after the last time she’d left he’d imagined all of the different ways in which he could have begged her to stay, if he’d only known. Groveling wasn’t beneath him, not one bit. 

Even if he hadn’t heard the falter in her next words though, Ryder was sure he wouldn’t have believed them. He knew that he could be a little intense at times with his desire to push things froward and bring them closer. Bree may not have wanted all of that, but he was sure that she wanted him. The connection they had was too strong not to be real. “I’m not letting you go,” Ryder told her as he held on tighter. “You told me…to hold on tighter and never let you go.” Ryder knew he was paraphrasing, but he remembered the conversation and hoped she was lying now and not lying then about what she really wanted. 

It felt like he was waiting forever before she finally seemed to soften. “I’m never gonna give up on us, babe,” he answered just as she said she was pregnant. Ryder’s eyes widened in shock. That was the last thing he was expecting. As he began to process it, he felt a smile start to tug at the corner of his lips. It was Bree’s next words though that made him realize that this pregnancy might not mean the same thing to both of them. And he knew there were things he was supposed to say, so got it over with and said them. “Why would I let you leave? I love you and I’m gonna support you no matter what you decide to do.” Ryder couldn’t leave it at that though, or wait to hear about what Bree wanted, because he already knew what he wanted. 

He let the smile overtake his face. “But, babe, it’s a baby. We already love each other so much, can you imagine how much we’re going to love this baby?” He pulled Bree into a hug and spoke more lowly into her ear. “I know the timing is terrible. But I want this. I want you. I want a family with you. Tell me you want the same because if you do, we’ll figure everything else out.”

[fightonbree]

Bree had messed up. She had told Ryder something that would make it even harder for him to let her go. Subconsciously that was all she wanted, she wanted to find reasons to stay, to give him reasons to really hold her tighter. At the same time she wanted him to let her go so that he could have the life that she imagined for him. She imagined a life where she was far from him with the perfect job where he wouldn't have to struggle, one that he loved and perhaps could design as many buildings and homes as he wanted. She wanted Ryder to be successful more than anything. Up until now he had proved to be better without her, after all how could he have gotten to USC if she had been a distraction like how she had been junior year?

Her breathing changed now mostly from the sobs that she was holding back. How could Ryder want this? How could he want a child when things were finally becoming better? He couldn't want this. She was going to become a mother,she almost had been once before but this time was different. Still Bree shook her heads while in Ryder's arms. "I can't let you throw away your life just because I made a mistake." She placed all the blame on herslef. Not taking her birth control, not taking plan B, not making him wear protection during. All of those precautions were things Bree should have done and blamed herself for not doing. "I-" she gasped for air but wrapped her arms around him. "I love you too much to watch you throw everything away. If stay and we do this together you'll regret this for the rest of your life. You'll hate me and the love that you feel for me now on't be the same." Bree let go of Ryder and looked back towards his face. "I can do this on my own. I just..." she paused. "I just can't have an abortion." It was more than just the fact that it was Ryder's baby, but he didn't know that. Even the word abortion made her feel small, her shoulders slump forward in defeat. "That's my decision so just support it. Just realize that I am doing this for us so that you'll have a future, so that your parents won't find some other supposed flaw with their perfect son." 

[fightonbree]

Just give me a reason || Bryder

[ryderatusc]

At the mention of the ring, Ryder glanced down at Bree’s hand, noticing that the small engagement ring he’d bought for her back in high school was missing. It felt like Bree going back on a promise she’d made him and it hurt. He had to consciously make an effort to pull his eyes from her bare hand back up to her face to listen to whatever else she might say.

Her next words caused him to furrow his brow, because as much as Bree had voiced some hesitations when he first brought the idea of them getting married, he’d thought she’d accepted because she had warmed up to the idea and could see them being together in that way someday. But maybe he was wrong. maybe he’d gotten so caught up in her re-entry into his life, in the future he could so clearly see for themselves that he’d somehow talked her into something she really didn’t want. It was a tough pill to swallow. 

As much as it hurt knowing he might not get the life he dreamed of with the wife and kids and house out in the burbs, more than anything, he wanted Bree. She was all he ever wanted, since their first date, since their first real conversation. Ryder placed his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes, hoping she could see how much he meant his next words. “You don’t have to wear the ring. We don’t have to get married. You don’t have to be my wife. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I just want you. Here. With me. I thought you wanted that too.”

[fightonbree]

Bree felt even more vulnerable than she did with just the way he looked at her hand. How she wished she actually had her ring on, how she wished that this hadn't happened to them. Dreams of the eventual wedding that would have happened years from the date were crushed. The memories of Ryder telling her that she would look beautiful in a white dress echoed in her mind, now to never happen. Bree still stayed strong and even opened her hand more to pretend that she wasn't bothered by Ryder looking at her hand.

Her own heart was breaking but she wasn't done, there was still some hope in his eyes that this could work. Instinctively now she placed her hand on her still toned stomach. Ever since seeing the pile of positive pregnancy tests she had started accepting that there this was happening. To anyone that didn't know what was happening they'd just think that she was placing her hand on her stomach, a new mannerism she had picked up in the past day.

She shrugged her shoulders to get him to drop his hold of her. She couldn't have him touching any part of her. Usually his touch made her weak in the knees but stronger all at the same time-- now, his touch only made her weak. She still looked into his eyes so that he wouldn't clue in to the fact that she was lying or wasn't strong enough. "Grovelling doesn't suit you." She could still be a bitch, she was Bree Martin. She had brought people to tears before. If she pretended that Ryder was just someone else she could do this. She disassociated her feelings and didn't think about the fact that he wasn't just someone. Bree refused to let herself think that this was the love of her life, the father of her child. Her soulmate. "I don't want anything with you." There was where her voice faltered. Less conviction wasn't what she currently needed. "This life. Even just as your girl doesn't do it for me anymore. So let. Me. Go." She seared her eyes into his for a few seconds. She convinced herself that if she could hold the gaze for even five seconds that she could do this. Five seconds was all she needed.

One. Flashbacks of their first date started. The laughter at his lame jokes that he constantly pulled out of his nerves always would be one of her favorite things.

Two. The memory of the first night they spent together started. They did nothing but hold each other but he still whispered that he was falling for her just as she had said she was falling for him.

Three. The heartache began setting in more with the remembrance of how he had been there for her after one of her grandfather's many episodes. He had held her while she cried for hours on end. It was during that first time that she realized that his arms were home even when Chicago and Lima had never felt as such.

Four. The time she told her that she was leaving after her grandfather's funeral the pair of them still dressed in black. Now the contrast of what she was wearing wouldn't have made much of a difference. The pain she had felt from the loss of her grandfather and the eventual move was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. At least then she could cry and blame it on her mourning. Now she couldn't cry thanks to her own pride.

That is, she thought she wasn't crying. The memories that had happened while counting to even four had started to open the floodgates she was trying so hard to close.

Bree tore her amber eyes away from Ryder's before she could count reach five. She hated him for making her become this person that loved him, she hated that he made it so easy to love him. It was just that she hated herself more for not being strong enough to do this.

A tear tracked down her cheek while she looked away. "Why did you have to make this hard." She tightened her jaw once again angry at herself. "Why couldn't you just see the suitcase and let me go." she chewed on her bottom lip. And looked down at her feet. "Things with me haven't ever been easy so why could this just be the one thing?" She didn't wait for a response and looked down. "I'm pregnant." Saying the words aloud made it all seem more real. Telling Ryder hurt more than it should have. "I'm pregnant with your baby which only means that I'm going to ruin your life even further so just walk away. I'm giving you the chance to walk away, so take it."

[fightonbree]

Just give me a reason || Bryder

[ryderatusc]

Ryder bounded up the stairs eagerly, hopeful that he’d still catch Bree in his apartment. Less than an hour ago, he’d reluctantly left his warm bed, made all the more tempting by his girlfriend being in it, to book it to an early morning chem lab. Fortunately for him, the class was canceled twenty minutes into it when the professor was a no show. Ryder picked up a couple of coffees and some donuts on his way back through campus, all the while making plans to find Bree still in bed and giving her a real reason to miss her afternoon classes. 

When Ryder put his key into the lock and opened his door though, all of his plans went out of the window. Bree was standing there with a suitcase and Ryder’s heart completely sank. She was leaving him, again. He and Bree had never really gotten into just how bad things had gotten when she’d left the first time, but he felt tears prick at the back of his eyes at the memory of it was brought to the surface once again.

He set the small box of donuts and tray of coffee on the table in the entryway, looking away from her and clearing his throat as he tried to reel in his feelings. He saw her take a step toward the door and quickly moved to stand in front of it, knowing he couldn’t let her leave. Not like this. 

"Where are you going?" 

[fightonbree]

THhis would've been easier had he just stayed in class, or maybe if they hadn't even decided to try again. Definitely the latter. "I-" she started. She wanted to drop the bomb. The words I'm pregnant were close to spilling out. Other things came to mind as well like I can't do this. I cant look at you in the eye knowing that I've wasted the potential I see in you. I'be ruined your life. Bree could have said all of those things, instead she chose the lie. "I cant be with you. All this was too much. You tallking about marriage, the ring." Honestly she was starting to feel as if the ring was an extension of her, something that had always been missing from her finger. Now she blantantly lied as if she were studying law instead of medicine.

"I never was supposed to be anyone's wife." Except for his. She was breaking her own heart while simultaneously attempting to break his. Maybe if she pushed him far enough he would see that maybe that perky blonde was who he really wanted.

Bree wasnt even sure what the plan was or why she wanted Ryder with someone else just yet. No matter how she spun it, he was the father to this baby. A baby she was had no intention to abort. Unlike many others her reasons for not having an abortion weren't because of financial reasons, or because of religion, it wasn't because she thought she would be a good mother, or even that she thought she could handle the responsibility. Bree's reasons were all based on a past trauma that came with the word. The mere thought of an abortion sent her to a near panic. Her fear had never been spoken about, had never once even been hinted in passing conversations. All she knew now was that terminating a pregnancy, now, or even one later was out of the question.

The brunette still stood in front of the man she loved so sure that she was going to be able to leave. "Will you just get out my way. I really don't have time for this. I don't even have to explain myself. I said it's over." She shrugged. "That's It. End of discussion."

[jimmygunther]

Visit Original Link

~Say Goodbye: Chris Brown~

[fightonbree]

Just give me a reason || Bryder

With all that she and Ryder had gone through, Bree hadn't expected the backlash from their engagement. It had taken Bree nearly a month to tell her parents about her eventual nuptials but it wasn't exactly as  if she was going to get married any time soon. Bree had dreams that would happen even with Ryder by her side, but there were some things that she wanted to do before settling down. There was still a fear that she would never catch up to Ryder's dreams of what their life should be like with a family and possible white picket fence. 

It was that same thought that she would never catch up to what he wanted that now scared her as she slipped off the engagement ring that had been weighing on her finger for the past month. Her hand looked naked without it, but what was happening was enough to push out the screaming voice that told her to stay.

All of her things she had left at Ryder's were packed into a small suitcase. Housing already knew that she was switching rooms with someone in a different room further from main campus. She had even gone as far as to write Ryder a small letter telling him that she didn't feel the same, and that he should move on with his life. The letter didn't explain the main situation.

Pregnant, it was the first thing Bree's mother had asked when she told her that she was engaged. The suspicion of a shotgun wedding was the first thought that came to her mind but it was that question that had led her running to the nearest pharmacy. Every stick had a double stripe, a positive sign, even a few that said pregnant clear as day was yet another nail in the coffin of what she wasn't ready for. She wasn't sure what to do but she just knew that she couldn't stay. She couldn't stay if she wasn't sure what she wanted. 

She took one last look at the small not that said I'm sorry. I'm not what you really want anyway." more to excuse herself than what she was doing. Bree set the paper down and heard the key turn in the lock.she quickly put the paper down and grabbed hold of the handle to her suitcase. 

Faced with Ryder she looked down toward her feet. "I thought you had class?" her voice was flat already with defeat. "You aren't supposed to be..." Bree wanted to say home, but was this really home to her any more? "You weren't supposed to be here." Bree held on to the handle tighter and took a step towards the door. even if it would take more strength to leave now,she still had to. There was so much she wanted to say to him, to apologize for but instead she used her left hand to clutch onto the handle of the suitcase. Not saying another word Bree looked down and took her steps towards the door, all the while trying to stay far from Ryder's reach so he wouldn't pull her back like she knew he possibly could.

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

No…I wasn’t trying to make you do anything. You’re not difficult to be with. You’re difficult to be without so when you’re not around or you push me away, it’s hard. But being with you isn’t hard at all. If you want to reflect and think about how crazy you’d be to ever leave me, then definitely feel free to do that though. 

[fightonbree]

Every time you say something sweet I think you'll never be able to top it and then you say something else. If I ever want to leave again just hold me tighter until I come back to my senses. 

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

I think it’d make a pretty good synopsis. Does it make me a cocky asshole if I said I never thought you would? Not really at least. I believed you when you loved me. I just thought you left because…you didn’t want me to love you or you thought it’d be easier, less complicated with me around. I worried you might settle for something, for someone easier. I know I can be a lot to handle sometimes.

[fightonbree]

It makes you a little on the confident side not fully cocky just yet. It was a lot going on and I don't want to think about why I left. Was that supposed to make me self-reflect and realize that I'm the one that's even more difficult in this relationship?

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

I don’t know…I think our story is pretty epic as it stands. I find out you’re moving, I propose and promise to love you forever and always. You stubbornly say no because you have stuff you’re dealing with. And somehow we run into each other years later and I kept my promise. I still loved you and it turns out you still loved me and never stopped. And even though you’re still crazy stubborn and independent, you gave up the fight and said yes, because you know I’m the only man you’re ever gonna love and deep down you want me to be my wife as much as I want to be your husband.I mean, Nicholas Sparks makes movies about stories like ours. So, I’m cool with keeping it. 

[fightonbree]

Way to summarize everything. Should that be the synopsis on our eventual IMDB page when we sell our story off to good old Nicholas Sparks? I wasn't gong to fall in love with anyone else. 

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

Well as long as you’re willing to admit it. Alright, future wife, you’re calling the shots here. If you don’t want to show off your acting chops, then we’ll just call it a done deal. But we’re totally gonna make up for the lack of romance here by making everything else - the wedding, the wedding night, all the anniversaries - super romantic. 

[fightonbree]

That was sarcasm. Maybe I am a better actress than I thought even if you're far better. What do you want? Do you want to get on one knee and propose so that you'll have some corny story about how you asksd me to marry you?

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

Fine, fine, fine. You know you totally took the romance out of it all by taking over two years to say yes and fighting me so much about it, right? Like, if you want, I could re-do the proposal - make you dinner at my place and get down on one knee? You could pretend you’re surprised and say yes instead of breaking my heart.

[fightonbree]

Yeah, yeah I sucked the romance out of it by saying I wasn't ready and admitting that. It doesn't really matter to me. I'm future wife no matter what way you do it. I don't know how good my pretend shocked face is.

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

No, but I want you to be sure. It’s not something you get to take back later.

[fightonbree]

I'm not going to take it back later. You want me, I want you and that's it. I'm sure so just give me my ring.

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

You’re the only one who sees it that way. Wait…really? Are you sure?

[fightonbree]

Do you really want me to second guess this? 

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

Not even with her. And I wouldn’t be too sure about that. I did kind of cheat on her in a room full of people. The proposal is…you agree to marry me when we graduate. And in exchange, I give you your ring back and you get to make me the happiest guy alive. 

There’s only one who’s Bree shaped though and that’s always been my favorite shape. 

[fightonbree]

You did but even then you're a lot to lose. Fine. Give me my ring and start cheesing. 

Good answer.

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

Believe me, I’m never gonna give you a reason to get all homicidal on a girl. It has to come up again because I’m stubborn and I want what I want. Like I’ve wanted you all this time, I want to marry you too. You don’t want me to start giving up on stuff now, do you? 

Oh, it’s definitely the not sleeping that I like most. But having something to hold while I sleep is pretty nice too. 

[fightonbree]

Never? Not even with your ex that I'm sure still wants you? What do I get if I say yes? What's the proposal exactly?

You've had other people to hold while you sleep. 

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

Babe, guys look your way everyday. If I weren’t so sure they’d never have a chance with you, I’d be concerned like 24/7. We can stop talking about it for now, but I’m sure it’ll come up again. 

Take advantage all you want. I’m not gonna complain about you sleeping over, it’s pretty much my favorite thing we do together. 

[fightonbree]

They might but I'm not looking back. I have what I want, and I know girls look at you. I just know that I can trust you and that the only girls that would mess with you are suicidal girls that are too stupid to understand that I'm not one to be crossed. Why does it have to come up again? Isn't there something else I can do to prove that I'm in this and committed to you and only you?

Or is it the not sleeping that actually is your favorite thing? 

[ryderatusc]

@ Bree || F2F in Ryder's room

[ryderatusc]

Because I like the word wife better, duh. Telling dudes to stay away from my wife sounds a lot more threatening than telling them to stay away from my girl, right? It’d be nice if everyone, including our families knew how serious we are about one another. Also, the fact that you won’t makes me feel like there’s a part of yourself you’re not ready to give to me. And, I’m selfish, I want it all. 

Well, you make me happy everyday you stay with me, so we should keep doing that. Maybe you should spend the night at my place more too?

[fightonbree]

Obviously you like the word wife better. It sounds intimidating either way, not that guys are going to be looking my way. I still get to tell girls to keep their eyes away from my man and it's just as intimidating. My family doesn't have an opinion. I'm crazy about you and as long as you know that then it's all that matters. Can we just stop talking about it?

I'm going to keep doing it as long as you let me, and if that's an open invitation then be careful because I'll take advantage of it. Think of all the late night booty calls we'd be saving ourselves from.