An Aspiring Trainer’s Guide to... Getting People to Do What You Want
How do you get people to do what you want? By this point you probably know how to get an animal to do what you want. You train it! That’s obvious. You might even be aware of how animals get us to do what they want (That’s another blog for another day).
(Snakes are deviously adorable hypnotists.) But you can’t follow people around with a whistle or a clicker and toss them a cookie every time they do what you want. I mean you could, but they’re likely to avoid you after a while. So what do you do? Well grab the minivan and kick off your shoes, kiddos! It’s time for a lesson in Verbal Judo!
Verbal Judo
For those of you that aren’t familiar with Verbal Judo let’s start from the beginning. Verbal Judo is NOT a form of martial arts practiced through the mouth. I repeat, it is not this:
(This will not persuade anyone to do anything other than call a doctor... and maybe the CIA genetics mutations division.) Verbal Judo is a method of communication first described in a book written by George J. Thompson, Ph. D. and Jerry B. Jenkins.
(Available on Amazon!) This book teaches a nonaggressive, persuasive and assertive approach to communication. This methodology of talking through conflicts is often used in police officer training. The book goes into length about many parts but we are going to focus on the 5 Universal Truths. And later I’ll touch on how you can pair these with “I Need” Statements to be even more successful. If you can remember these you’ll be well on your way to successfully interacting with co-workers, supervisors, interns, and one step closer to ruling the world! (Results may vary)
The 5 Universal Truths
1. All people want to be treated with dignity and respect.
When you want something from Mom and Dad, what do you do? Clean the house? Compliment dinner? Most of us are going to try to butter them up. We know that we are most likely to get something from our parents if we make them feel good. Put them in a good mood. When you treat people well you receive well results. What motivation would someone have to help you our if they don’t feel respected or even liked?
2. All people want to be asked rather than being told to do something.
Out of all the truths this one probably needs the least amount of explaining. Would you rather be told to clean the bathroom or asked? Would you rather be asked to eat 30 lbs of french fries or told to? People like to have their feelings considered. If you ask them you’re showing that you considered that they may not want to do whatever the task is. You’ve shown them that you care about them and they will be more likely to return that kindness because of it.
3. All people want to be told why they are being asked to do something.
A simple explanation of your motives and needs can help avoid these types of scenarios:
People wanna know the reason you want them to do something. It’s pretty fair when you think about it. “I need you to get ice.” “Why?” “We need it for the enrichment session at 1:00.” Perfect. No room for confusion. You don’t need to spend a lot of time on it but if you give someone a little more information they’re going to feel more comfortable helping you since they wont be wandering through the dark.
4. All people want to be given options rather than threats.
Everyone likes options! Make people feel like they have a choice and they’ll feel at ease. Allow people to do things in their own way or lay out several ideas for them to choose from. If you want someone to do something for you give them the opportunity to make it their own and do it their way. Yes some situations only have one way to be done but there are other ways to give options. Time is a great one. “You can do this now, or in 15 minutes.” A small variable, but options provide choice and comfort. Just ask anyone taking a multiple choice test they didn’t study for.
5. All people want a second chance.
How many times has that extra life helped you win a video game? How many times did your grade point average stay the same because of extra credit or redo test questions? Life does not offer second chances for everything. If it did we’d have far fewer reasons for time travel movies. If you really want someone to follow through with your desires you need to give them more than one chance to do it. Yes there are times when that wont work, but when you can, give them the opportunity to try, fail, and come back for more information and try again. It’s the same with training animals. If we ask for a behavior and they don’t meet criteria we’re gonna give them a second chance. We give them the benefit of the doubt that something out of their control happened. People deserve the same opportunity.
These five truths all relate to how you frame your conversations with people. If you cater your presentation with these in mind you can drastically increase someone’s desire to want to help you. Help you to help them to help you, so to speak. These are the ways people want to be treated. You got that. Now you need to know how to put it into words.
“I Need” Statements
People and animals are driven by a series of wants and needs. In the training world we often describe them and primary and secondary reinforcers. Primary being anything the animal needs to live: Food, water, shelter, opportunity for reproduction. Most commonly this take the form of food or “treats.” Secondary reinforcers are, well, everything else the animal might want (Or more accurately to say, find reinforcing). This might me rub downs, gelatin, balls, rings, high energy behaviors, etc. etc. The animal doesn’t need these things to survive but they’re nice to have when you can get them. Same thing applies to humans. Any young adult knows well the struggle between purchasing needs vs wants. “I need to buy groceries, but I really want to get my nails done.” Obviously the wants have more appeal to them in the moment but they’re usually far less practical.
When you want someone to do something for you don’t tell them you want it.
I know, I know. Stay with me here. As I just said, wants are not practical. They’re not necessary. Some, dare I say, are downright frivolous. Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, people know this.
This brings us to the point: “I need” statements. Regardless if what you want to ask is a need or not, presenting it as such can provide two main benefits: 1) People will feel a greater importance to your task if it is perceived as a need. 2) People will have the power to provide or deny you with a need. While people appreciate you catering to their feelings (Remember the 5 truths?) if you give them power it feels less like a chore and more like a mission. People like power. Ask any super villain. If you tell people you need something they’re going to feel like instead of you putting pressure on them to succeed you’ve given them power over you. Kind of twisted, I know, but really, it’s true. Look at these blatantly unreasonable examples and tell me which ones sound better.
“I need you to go sweep the entire stadium for 40 hours.”
“I want you to organize all 700 files in the office by name and color.”
“I need your keys so I can drive your car to work from here on out.”
“I want to change you to the night shift and for half the pay.”
Each of these examples is completely ridiculous and nobody would expect you to comply. But don’t the “need” ones seem somewhat more tolerable? It’s almost as if the person asking for these demands is doing so because of something out of their control. They can’t help that they need your car or that the stadium is dirty. You almost want to say yes because you know they can’t help their needs. It’s innate and natural. That’s the point. Even if it’s not a true need (When would you ever need to sweep for almost 2 days?), by framing it that way you trigger an empathetic response in someone and increase your likelihood to get the desired response.
It’s not always easy to get what you want. Especially from people. Free will is a thing after all. But action is based heavily on motivation. We see it everyday with the animals that would rather make googly eyes at the females or lie in the shade instead of work in the sun. If you work with positive reinforcement you know that primary reinforcers, the needs, are some of the strongest motivators. Remember that people are animals too and are motivated by needs and a desire for comfort. Remember the 5 Truths and use your “I need” statements to provide both emotional comfort and perceived power of needs. And if all else fails, you could always take up hypnosis.
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