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I said I'd be there in 5 minuets.

Stop calling me every half hour.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #time

Gas prices aren't really that bad...

when you consider you are buying explosive, liquid dinosaur.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #gas #dinosaur #economy

Yellow colored wine is called "White Wine" because it is made from green grapes.

Fuck logic.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #wine #alchohol #fuck logic

I was watching porn the other day and my mom walked in...

I had to back the video up to make sure.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #ew #you just enjoy thinking about that

"Battered Woman"

Has a completely different meaning to cannibals.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor

They say 60 is the new 40...

The cop who pulled me over disagreed.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #cop #police #he was speeding #is the joke here #in case you are a bit slow

I am a man of few words.

Like, very few word. Minimal word guy, that's me. I only use as many words as I absolutely have to, is what I'm trying to say. Few words.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #get it?

You wont like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.

-The Credible Hulk.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #hulk

I work at McDonalds and and I got back at a rude customer by not putting any soda in his cup.

Just ice was served.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #awhhhh #did I just?#I did #you take that bad pun back #shame on you

I assume somewhere there are necropheliac strip clubs...

otherwise it seems kind of pointless to advertise "LIVE NUDE GIRLS"

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #strip club #nude

A big shout out to sidewalks...

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #get it?#yeah #you get it

I just saw an illegal alien get into a car with a pedohpile.

Talk about Alien vs. Predator.

#Sigh...#Nobody remembers those movies anymore #that joke was out of its time #ah well #it was still #funny #jokes #joke #humor #mexican #immagration

The Swiss army must have been pretty confident in their chances...

to include a corkscrew on their army knife.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #swiss #swiss army #army

I can't draw to save my life.

But, lucky for me, that's a very unlikely scenario.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #drawing #drawn #draw #art

Never trust atoms.

They make up everything.

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #science #Science Humor #atoms #space #get it?

My friend drowned at sea and so instead a wreath we put a life preserver on his cascet.

It's what he would have wanted...

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #ooooh #That's not funny #what if one of my followers had a friend who drowned?#then I'm just being mean #ah well #I'm already in it

I am not always a sarcastic asshole!

sometimes I sleep...

#funny #jokes #joke #humor #sarcasm

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