Discover Top Posts Tagged with #ah well

Well, I say its not at all like the palace from katabasis, but certainly the lack of servants and slowly building up filth is the same. Perhaps it does take place after this story after all, and Leo simply wasnt there

I wonder how and why the royal palace became a thing for red honey and monsters in its undersides then. (And where is all of that being produced. For that matter, how did they even get the initial dream so the princess could do this)

#flondon tag #tagged as: the palace #exceptional story: all good boys deserve their fun #i hope thats right #ah well

logged on to my work email to check something real quick and realized i made a stupid mistake with people i don't deal with often. noooooooo

#😔#ah well #resist the urge to click on the emails after hours. have the revelation that you're a dumbass on the clock 🙏

i just got a like on one of my c2 rewatch posts that i'd completely forgotten about. and then realized it's somehow been four years since i started that rewatch.

#paused on episode 96 that fall because i had switched to the podcast but wanted to watch 97 onscreen #at this point i don't think i'll be finishing #but i do still enjoy the nein again posts #ah well #i still adore you c2 #c2 background rewatch #shara watches cr #shara talks

also in terms of weird family system shit. I'm pretty sure the weed use makes my family see me as more masculine bc my uncles are the other users in the family & I'm receiving a level of projection. I'm also mentally ill in just the right ways that line up with my uncles' experiences. still getting regularly misgendered tho lolll.

#it's MOSTLY my grandma misgendering me which is fine she's always done that #but it's not Entirely her.#ah well #but like. sometimes my mum calls me the cat's name. i don't think it's malicious yk?#lol #at its core my family is a group of women who mostly spend time with other women & so i can't really get mad at them for defaulting to she #they do value and discuss my transness. they care about my life choices & feel strongly that I'm right to transition.#it's just like... complex lmfao #I'm more forgiving of them than i would be of other cis people but i also don't really care that much anyway #pronouns don't really matter to me in a personal sense. i don't need to hear them to know who i am.#my ACTUAL preferred pronouns are it/its but i would never ask my family to call me that. they're still on they/them #(most cis people are told they/them because i like to watch them squirm)#anyway that's my thoughts for now #the system speaks

Oh my. Seems my rant about the horror of my personal experience with pregnancy and having a child triggered a lot of people.

You know, I'm quite aware of the fact I am a lot of a misandrist? No need to highlight such!

And of course I have so much anger inside that it doesn't help.

However, people calling into question my own responsibility in having a child after being pressured and emotionally manipulated for a decade by my then partner kind of don't understand how young women with no support kind of feel like they have to do this or lose everything? I'm not trying to excuse myself tbh. I'm aware I should just have left his bum and gotten an IVF.

HOWEVER!!!!!! Also take into account that contraceptives were used. I realized I was pregnant quite late too because at the time my hormones were completely crazy and my periods were like once every 2 months and my normal pms symptoms are quite close to my early pregnancy symptoms. Swollen breasts that hurt, nausea, tiredness, lower back and stomach discomfort...

It is only when I actually threw up I realized it might be a possibility. And when I did a test and later booked an appointmentbat the gynecologist, I was already 8 weeks along.

And my then partner was over the moon. Making promises left and right about how he was going to support me during and after the pregnancy. How much we were going to be happy with the little one and how great I was.

At the time, I was still a bit naive. I had also been with that man for 8 years and he had the time to chip a my sense of self. Because when we got together I was a vibrant, stubborn and rebellious thing. I was also freshly 18. He was my first boyfriend.

He was also a manipulator that used emotional blackmail and manipulation really well. Don't know if he's a narcissist but he dies have quite a few traits.

So after 8 years, he had managed to isolate me from my family and friends. He had managed to make my life all about him. My career at the time was helping his start up. Funnily enough, I was good at what I was doing and I still had some excitement of the novelty of it.

And then pregnancy continued and I began to feel the disphoria and the body horror as my body changed. I still remember now how, in my bath, I would contemplate ways to abort the little parasite growing inside.

I think I already was starting to descend into depression but eh that period is a bit of a blur.

Now. Childbirth. Don't know about a lot of people, but that's straight up body horror. I am still traumatized. It was long and painful and I was torn. Needed 12 stitches. And little monster of course had decided not to position himself well so of course it was longer and harder than it should have been for both of us.

Again I don't remember much. I hadn't slept in nearly 48h. And labour was 25h.

Then of course the 2 days we stayed in the hospital were. Hm. I'm still angry at the nurse who berated a sleep deprived first time mom for being worried and asking for a bit of help because her baby was crying so much and breastfeeding wasn't going well at all.

I really tried BTW but yeah. Had to stop breastfeeding after a few weeks because the milk was not coming as it should. Even asked help from a few professionals but nothing worked. So no breastfeeding for little monster. I'm sure my family is criticising this behind my back when it comes in conversations lol.

And then, when we came back home. I expected to get the support and help I was in dire need of. You know, all the things I was promised?

Guess what??????

You think I got anything???????

HAH!!! as if.

Honestly. I was literally a single mom with a newborn and a grown man acting like a petulant child. Because, guess what? Poor jerk was feeling abandoned because I didn't care for him as I did before the pregnancy! Because I was exhausted and barely slept and I didn't do all the things I did before.

I still remember vividly how, barely 2 weeks post partum, he screamed at me for not cleaning the dishes and organising the ground floor. Like dude, I still had trouble walking and was passing most of my time on the first floor caring for the baby and trying to survive. What do you expect?

But we'll, that was just the start of the psychological violence that became a regular thing and made me sink deeply into post partum depression. To the point that, 5 months in, I was contemplating suicide. Seriously contemplating.

And I even made an attempt.

I was living with someone, but technically alone, isolated from everything I knew because of course we were also living in a city far from both my friend group and my family. The only contact I had was with him and little monster and my cats. But well. The baby was too young for anything aside from cuteness, my kitties were not loving the new addition and the supposed partner was being the literal worst.

So for those saying I'm responsible for the baby too, I was. I am. I was literally the only person responsible for him lol. I was the one that did everything for him.

When I did my attempt, there was a small period of time when he stopped psychologically and sexually (because of course) abusing me but eh didn't last long.

Just to say, I wasn't having a good time, and by that time? I wasn't myself anymore. I was a ghost that he'd broken down so much that sometimes I questioned if I existed at all lol.

And of course COVID didn't help.

And I also started to have flashbacks sometime in late 2021 which. Ugh. But hey it helped me leave his bum in 2022! And I'm now regaining myself though it's still a work in progress as healing isn't linear.

And guess what? My little monster is thriving.

I can love my child and do everything to make him the happiest in the world while also regretting ever becoming a mom BTW.

I can do all the research to be sure to parent him as well as I can, give him all he needs to be the happiest ouistiti in the world and still sometimes think of all the what could have beens.

I am also a human being, meaning I'm not perfect at all.

I have a temper and can get a bit too shouty and angry when little monster is being too much of a brat. Yes. And I always apologize if I do something I should not. He knows this. We have a system and rules and we have conversations about this kind of thing when the need arises.

I'm still learning how to be a mom because children grow and their needs do too. And sometimes I fumble, but I try to better myself.

I hold grudges forever and have deep deep deeeeeeep rage inside my smol body. Meaning I now don't even look or speak at the jerk anymore. We both go through his mother and that is just what we need. I know when you heal you're supposed to forgive or whatever but alas. I'm still not healed enough and I don't think I could ever forgive him for pushing me to nearly trying to off myself thanks. At least I'm not a ball of active volcanic rage anymore.

And when I say that men as a social group are the worst. Please read carefully. AS A SOCIAL GROUP. Because even if not all men rape, assault, harass, you betcha that like 97% at least of the victims of such will tell you that a MAN did it. Feminicides are always done by men. Women don't feel safe outside at night because of men. Women alone outside don't feel safe because of men. Girls are told to beware of men since they're small. I also don't think I have to tell you that men in power are the literal worst.

If I do get more anonymous comments of people telling me of the dissonance between feminism and being a misandrist. Lol. Did i ever claim I was perfect? On the contrary, I'm quite aware of my shortcomings. As well I didn't ever claim to be a feminist. I align most with their thoughts because fuck the patriarchy, may it die a painful death, and I would love to live in an equal world where men and women could coexist without all the nonesense. But that's not the society we live in, is it?

#Why do I always rant?#why am i like this #ah well #Whatever #To the person telling me being a misandrist does not make me a feminist #I'm aware thanks #I never claimed to be a feminist?#Is it because I said the patriarchy needs to die a hellish death?#In which case that's a fact?????#Like let both men a d women live their best life #My personal feelings have nothing to do a literal FACT of our society