Well it’s here...the ‘date’ that years ago I could only imagine about.... today, and for one day only!, I’ve been alive for the same length of time ‘able-bodied’ and ‘disabled’... it’s my 50/50 date....the scales are balanced in terms of days.
Tomorrow, the scales will tip ever so slightly in a different direction...
I’m honestly not sure how to feel about it... do I feel differently about myself? No, I don’t think so.
Do I wish that my accident all that time ago hadn’t happened?... in some ways; yes of course!... as it would mean that I might not have experienced some of the suffering that I have. Not just me.... my loved ones too.
But I also know deep down that the ‘suffering’ has made me the person that I am today. Grateful for what I have and for what I can still do. Grateful for the people that I’m surrounded by. Grateful for the life that I am able to live.
My life changed irreversibly in a split second, and as a 23yr old, I had absolutely no idea of what lay ahead. I was launched into a world that I didn’t even know existed. A world in which I felt totally out of place initially. I felt self-conscious and definitely in awe of those I met that were further down the line and clearly much more comfortable in their own skins (and wheelchairs!).
How was I going to achieve a sense of belonging again? With no peers in the same situation it was difficult....I had to work stuff out for myself in lots of ways.
I have been through some tough times (hasn’t everyone though?).... not necessarily because I can’t walk; but because of all the things that go unnoticed by most people. The things that lie beneath the tip of the iceberg.
Unfortunately, I’ve lost huge chunks of time to anxiety and depression for which I’m sad. At times, my mental health has definitely been more paralysing than my paralysis.
But I also feel extremely lucky as I’ve experienced many fantastic things and met many, many wonderful people that I wouldn’t have if it were not for my spinal cord injury.
I initially regarded my chariot as a negative aspect of my life - a visual reminder to me and others that my body was broken and that I was less of a person than before. But I fully embrace my chariot now... ‘Roxy’ enables me to do all the things that I do and live the life that I choose to live. I only feel physically vulnerable when she’s not within arms reach...
I love my life... a ‘new normal’... I’m just an ordinary person living an ordinary life. I’m not one of life’s ‘heroes’ and I’m not a para-athlete.
I don’t know how life would have panned out if it wasn’t for my accident....and it’s futile to even begin to imagine..... but I realise fully that nobody’s life is a ‘bed of roses’ so I’m not kidding myself that it would’ve been ‘plain sailing’. It’s all relative and no-one should ever have to try to compare the severity of their ‘challenges’ with anybody else’s. We all have our own complex set of circumstances.
I now feel totally comfortable in my own skin most of the time (!) and a sense of belonging in both the world of spinal cord injury and my own little world too! I no longer feel out of place.
For those of you who know me.... of course I was always going to mention Sarah!!!! HHa!!
Sarah.....dear dear Sarah - you are the most amazing person that I know....and I feel so utterly privileged to be your mum.
You make the world a better place, you light up any room you’re in and you effortlessly lift people’s spirits (even if they don’t need lifting). Your thirst for life is wonderful and your obvious passion for ‘fairness’ makes me proud. You’re both serene and bonkers. Your laugh is infectious. You’re more beautiful (inside and out) than you know. You’re thoughtful and kind. You simply take my breath away and there are no labels for the emotions you evoke in me....
I cannot and will not even try to imagine my life without you. You complete me..... thank you. 💕
I spent last night with the two ladies that mean the most to me - Clare and Jane. Both of you have been there for me unconditionally... and that continues to this day. I love you both with all my heart. Thank you x
