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@flamingwreckage-blog
Had a chance tonight to hook up with a ridiculously hot, buff, 27 yr old and just COULD. NOT. bring myself to have a random hookup with someone I don't know. Morals trump hormones, apparently, even raging hormones. Damned morals.
How many pieces can a heart break into before it's just dust?
how i feel sometimes ahh
BEAST - When I Miss You
I just want to bitch for a second. I realized the other day that my business is at a point that I really could hire someone on somewhat full time... or at least I could say, my business could support two people, if I found someone who had all the skills that I have in terms of retouching and design and photo editing and shooting, etc. I'm paying quite a bit of money to other people through outsourcing at this point. And you know what sucks? My ex... he's like... broke and can't find work. I know this for a fact. Or if he is working, he's not supporting himself with his photography, I know that. And I know he'd like to. And if the IDIOT hadn't gone and scrapped our love like it was worthless to him, all of our dreams could have happened. We could have been a team, me and him, building a photography business together, working side by side, sharing our passion for our work and for each other... JUST. LIKE. WE. DREAMED. ABOUT. And instead, I am sitting here wishing I could find someone with his work skill set to hire as an employee, and he's sitting there states away not able to pay his bills and hating his life, and we are both alone, and he is a moron.
That's all. Just wanted to gripe out loud.
Someone like him?
Do I want someone like him? That is the question I've been asking myself. And if I do... isn't that just setting myself up for failure? I never met anyone that made me feel like he did, no one that I laughed with as much or loved anywhere near the same way. So if I DO want someone like him, then will I ever find that person? I'm afraid I'd just keep looking my whole life.
The thing is... when I fell in love with my ex, I remember thinking that I had no idea that love could feel like that... so easy, so natural, so happy, so passionate, so sure. It really was like learning to breathe. There was no awkwardness, no games, no figuring out if you could accept various things or overlook various things... no learning how to be together, no wondering if he felt the same. We fit together so easily from the very beginning. We couldn't help but love each other. We were drawn together like magnets, and the connection was unlike anything I'd ever felt. I remember thinking that any other relationship I'd ever had was settling, although I'd never known it until then. I remember wanting to tell everyone I knew what love COULD be like, so that they wouldn't settle for anything less. I remember thinking with absolute certainty that love like that was so incredibly rare and special and that most people never found anything like it.
What I had before him were more things that were a combination of my heart and my head, which is how my dad always told me to make decisions about love. You know... I had my list of things I was looking for. When I met someone who was somewhat attractive, if he met a good number of my criteria then I would think maybe I should date him, because he looked good on paper. But with my ex... it was all my heart and my gut and my soul that fell for him and longed for him. He didn't look so good on paper, but I was never as sure of anything in my life.
But it fell apart. He forgot. He let go. He chose someone else. It wasn't all that I thought it was.
...
I've met someone. His name is Chris. He is older than me... 8.5 years older than me, actually (which is a lot older than my ex, who is 4 years younger than me). Chris is a really great guy. He's a fully actualized, mature, responsible MAN (none of this boy nonsense). He's caring and cautious... he isn't pressing for anything too fast. He wants us to be smart. He's good with boundaries. He's also a Christian, and I admire his faith. He's really good on paper. We've been spending a lot of time talking, and I like him.
But the connection I have with him is NOT like what I had with my ex. My connection with my ex was magnetic and passionate and nearly magical. My connection with Chris is more like all the other relationships I've had. We have things in common. We enjoy talking to each other. He fits what I'm looking for.....
But I think about my ex a lot. Sometimes there is an awkward miscommunication in my conversations with Chris, or I make a silly comment or joke and he doesn't quite react to it, when I know how my ex would have delighted me by not missing a beat and jumping right into whatever silly mindset I was in. And there are just jokes or conversations or any number of things that just send an aching pain through my chest as I think about him. I still love him. I'm probably not ready to even be talking to anyone else, much less entertaining the idea of really starting a relationship with someone. And the thing is that I don't want to settle... would I be settling for someone who was just a good man, who was sweet and attentive and caring and all of those good things, but who didn't make me half crazy with love? Or can that half crazy kind of love never stand the test of time? It is always bound to betray you, like he betrayed me? Was it just an illusion to begin with?
I think I'm a mess. I guess whatever I do going forward, I need to take it slowly. I'm just confused now about what I want. I was never so happy in my life as I was with my ex. I can't imagine easily finding someone who could make me that happy again. But he also broke my heart worse than it's ever been broken, so maybe I shouldn't try to find someone who makes me feel that way again. Maybe I should try to find someone who is good instead of reckless and steady instead of passionate, because my ex's passions took him away from me just as they brought him to me.
I'm tired of being alone, but love is stupidly complicated.
This song came up on Spotify today.... I haven't cried this hard in awhile... almost made me think I was done with late night crying until I half choke on my tears...
So the rebound girl doesnt work out for him (big surprise), and then he emails me and asks if I would like to skype with him so he can see my face again. Trying to figure out how to respond to that without being bitchy.
“You know in the end, the day you left was just my beginning.
Kelly Clarkson (via starrynightsxoxo)
So I just found out the ex split up with the rebound girl. Don't feel too much about it really other than the same sadness that he was dumb enough to throw us away over something so unhealthy and insignificant. What a waste of what really felt like amazing, true, once in a lifetime type love... I hope he enjoyed his couple months of casual, unhealthy sex and emotional distraction. *sigh* I can honestly say this without malice.... what an idiot.
When you've had it
You know, when you've had love, the kind of love you've always wanted (better than the love you dreamed about having)... and especially if that perfect-feeling love came easily, with no effort, as easily as breathing in.... you realize quickly how uninterested you are in the massive amounts of bullshit and game playing and settling and emotional stupidness that normally come along with romance and looking for love.
I had what I wanted. I searched my whole life for it, and IT. FOUND. ME. And I don't want to look again. I don't want to hope again. I don't want to try. I don't want to do the same stuff I did with him with anyone else. I don't want to realize I'm doing something with someone new that used to be for the two of us... something special we shared. Because it wouldn't feel as special. It wouldn't feel as happy. It would feel like I'm trying to fake something that I once really had. It would feel like trying to draw a picture of a sunset with crayons, when you've seen the sunset and felt the warmth on your face, when you know you can't possible capture it. It feels pointless. Like I'm bound to fail, so I don't want to try.
Why the hell was he able to move on so easily?
It's a little mind boggling to me how acutely aware I am, even after all this time, of how UNREADY I am to start dating and how UNHEALTHY it would be for me to do, and also WHY it would be unhealthy: mainly that I'm lonely and would really like to have someone pay attention to me and make me feel desired and lovable... I mean, I GET the temptation for a rebound. It's obvious. My hormones are pissed at me. I would love to be kissed or held or romanced... I'd love to have someone to spend my time with. But I'm not STUPID. The second that guy the other night tried to hold my hand, it instantly felt wrong, and a voice in my head said, "Nope, I'm not ready for this." And when he kissed me, I DID kiss him back for a minute, but then I pulled away, because the same voice said, "Yeah, it's REALLY nice to be kissed, but I am an emotional silly mess, and I'm not ready for this." And even when I started for a minute or two to wonder if I liked the guy, I was smart enough to realize I like him because he LIKES ME and he is being really stupidly charming and sweet, and it feels nice. It feels nice to have a guy pursue me and tell me all the things that are desirable about me. Sure beats the hell out of sitting at home alone. But here I am, and I dont have some guy that I'm in love with who is in love with me sitting elsewhere believing me to be in love with him and dreaming of a future with me.... but I STILL know I shouldn't pursue anything with this guy. BECAUSE IT WOULD BE DUMB. And it would show a total lack of common sense and being in touch with my own feelings. And it would be self-medicating in the worst way... with another person, who has feelings and a mind and a heart that could also get broken. So I GET COMPLETELY why having a rebound relationship is appealing, I just don't get how he could have been so stupid as to not realize what was going on. And to not have a voice in his head that told him to remember me or told him he wasn't ready for that. I don't get how he didn't SEE that he was just stupidly vulnerable because of his hormones and his lonely heart. I see it enough that it's stopping me from being a moron, and that is months and months later, when I don't even have him as a motivating factor in the equation any more.
Yuck. Men are ridiculous.
I have now enlisted the help of several of my friends, who have been asked to keep me honest and prevent me from rebounding or getting involved with someone before I'm ready.
I want to get healthy first.
(Although my one friend suggested a makeout buddy... which I may consider at some point.)
I miss him still.
