Today I realized how much I wanted to go back to writing and how incapable of it I’ve become
I started writing to cope with my emotions
it was a way to be heard without actually speaking
but at one point writing about what hurt felt like stepping into quicksand
the more you stay in it and wiggle around
the more it consumes you
and when you are lonely, sitting next to your loved one
when you no longer feel loved, heard, nor understood
the world becomes numb around you
you know how in the movies, the main character turns off their emotions
they become reckless, they disregard the emotional side of life
they become a stranger to their surrounding, and to themselves
often they change their appearance to go with their new behavior
and they surround themselves with people who align with their new version
they take very little of the past with them
that is how healing feels on some days
you put your brave face on and you decide today’s gonna be a good day
and you make the conscious decision to place yourself first every time
until it becomes a habit
Healing is a lot of trials and errors
a lot of free time to fill
a lot of places to visits, things to try,
fears to overcome
And it’s not half as romantic as lighting a candle and putting a face mask on
It’s hearing battle cries every time your alarm goes off
Crying during your lunch break so you get through the day
Getting out of your comfort zone more often so you distance yourself from the person you were with them
But in all fairness there are good days, as well as bad ones
On the good days you are completely present and content with your life
You smile looking at the scenery and enjoy the silence
You recognize this is what peaceful happiness is
And you think to yourself “This is how I want to feel every day of my life”
And that becomes addicting.
On days that are not so good you remember you still have a long way to go
You keep trying to reassemble yourself without the parts that you lost along the way
Trying to figure out if you’ll ever be the same again and screaming at the top of your lungs you don’t want to be that person anymore anyway
No matter what day it is though
Keep going and be kind to yourself
Not only do you deserve it
But you owe it to yourself
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