Elden Ring sideblog for @sci-the-superb // reblogs, some headcanons, and posting the adventures of Tarnished Asteri, Knight-Sorceress and the last of the astrologers.
Asteri, Tarnished spellsword and, to her knowledge, the sole remaining member of the sect of mages that long predated the art of glintstone sorcery, the Astrologers. With the Shattering of the Elden Ring, and the stars being held in stasis by Starscourge Radahn for time immemorial, astrology - the magic art of being able to read fate and the future by movements of the stars - is a dying art. Asteri alone bears the torch of this lost art, and carries with it a solemn vow to record her people's history and talents before her own time comes. Along with this comes the secret, quiet hope that she may find others of her lost sorcery.
I think this post neatly encapsulates how nowadays so many people will call themselves "freaky perverts" and so on when the freakiest thing they can like before getting scared is premarital sex lol. Like no shit the blog for dirty confessions is going to have dirty confessions that go beyond "i wanna make love to them🥺🥺"
Ranking All Shadow of the Erdtree Bosses and NPC's by Fuckability.
It's finally time. The sequel to the 2nd worst post I've ever made.
I 100%-ed the DLC and it was fantastic. Time to find out which new characters are the most fuckable.
In this hypothetical all of the bosses can be reasonably communicated with (if possible) and are not actively trying to kill you (Unless killing you makes it sexier).
Repeat bosses not included, duo bosses counted seperate. Bosses that already appeared in the Base game are not counted.
It should also be assumed that all of these bosses have access to their magic/items/resources to benefit them in bed.
Explanation of Grading system:
Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)
These characters are not sentient enough to communicate consent, or are physically incapable of sex.
Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)
Character sucks so badly that they do not deserve to experience pleasure in any shape or form.
Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)
These character are fully capable of sex but would never participate in sex due to lack of interest or overabundance of moral convictions.
Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)
I mean, you COULD have sex with these characters but why would you?
Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)
These characters are average in bed, nothing crazy or noticeable. Some might end up in this category because they ARE good at sex, but the entire process would be inconvenient or uncomfortable to initiate.
Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)
These characters are good at sex, give or take a few points depending on their mood or situation.
Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)
These characters excel in giving pleasure and would be well worth the time and effort involved.
Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)
These characters would be so good at sex that all other factors are irrelevant. They are serving and we are here for it.
Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)
These are characters that should fall lower in the rankings, but their sexual prowess supersedes their inherent awfulness to a noteworthy degree.
Full list below the read more. Obviously it's not going to be sfw.
Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)
Ralva the Great Red Bear:
Animal
Rugalea the Great Red Bear:
Animal
Ghostflame Dragon:
Undead, probably not capable of sex.
Golden Hippopotamus:
Animal
Swordhand of Night Anna:
She is a hot goth knight, but is a mind controlled puppet.
Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)
Promised Consort Radahn + Radahn Consort of Miquella:
Radahn is just a mind-controlled corpse, and Miquella is a little bitch, so they are both ineligible. Honestly who tries to become a god but also ditches their inner goth girl? St. Trina deserved better.
Scadutree Avatar:
Theoretically capable of sex, but is made of pure anger and thorns.
Fire Knight Salza:
War criminal, even by Elden Ring terms so you KNOW it's bad.
Jori, Elder Inquisitor:
Creepy torturer and hypocrite, thinks sex is a sin and I plan for him to die sinless.
Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)
Curseblade Labirith:
Too devoted to being a monk to care.
Midra Lord of Frenzied Flame:
He's going through a LOT right now. He just got dumped AND he is being tortured for eternity while also containing a god of madness in his body, just leave the poor man alone.
Blackgaol Knight:
In another life he'd fuck like semi truck, but as of right now he's taken a vow to be a wet blanket alone in a mausoleum.
Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)
Chief Bloodfiend:
Too goopy and covered in diseased blood, but is still up for it if you are.
Putrescent Knight:
On one hand it's melting skeleton made up of thousands of merged souls... but on the other hand if you managed to get the consent and each and every soul I bet you could PROBABLY do something.
Lamenter:
Throw him one pity fuck and then run, he's clingy and a whiner.
Death Knight:
Is mostly just a skeleton, and whatever flesh is still there is probably rotting... but he does have some rizz and cool wings... goth guys can still get it.
Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)
Black Knight Garrew:
A highly trained knight, probably has good stamina but is also a fanatic to a creepy cult.
Black Knight Edredd:
Is also a highly trained knight, probably has good stamina but is also a fanatic to a creepy cult... but he does know crucible incantations... he might have some weird animal stuff you can get him to use in bed.
Rakshasa:
She's covered in blood and is overflowing with bloodlust... but lust and bloodlust are in the same neighborhood if you know what to do.
Divine Beast Dancing Lion:
If those two guys in there aren't rotting corpses... Fucking two guys inside a scary lion costume is an above average Tuesday night.
Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)
Logur, the Beast Claw:
A nude man covered in blood is running at you on all fours... you are either about to die or have a WILD night.
Ancient Dragon Senessax:
A very average dragon, but all dragons have a baseline fuckability so she's up here.
Jagged Peak Drake:
Drakes are slightly less fuckable than dragons, but if you don't think I'd willing be double teamed by two dragons while Igon watches, you clearly don't know me.
Ancient Dragon-Man:
All the perks of dragon sex but in a much more portable package.
Demi-Human Swordmaster Onze:
Normally Demi-humans are more cute than sexy, but this guy dedicated his life to the blade, you should be helping him make up for lost time.
Count Ymir, Mother of Fingers:
He's a delusional asshole... but he smacks of gender™ in a very submissive and breedable manner. A man who wants to be a mother and has giant fleshy fingers growing out of his body? It will be uncomfortable and deeply personal... but you GOTTA try it at least once, the LGBTQ community is depending on you.
Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)
Red Bear:
All the raw sex appeal of Logur but with 25% more daddy energy.
Moonrithyll, Carian Knight:
Listen we have all been sleeping on Moonrithyll when we should be sleeping WITH her. She is the chamberlain to Rellana (as in head bedroom attendant) which means she is an actual #girlboss and there must be insane wizard lesbian sex behind closed doors. Not only that but she is beloved by the trolls and can fight on equal terms with the carian troll knights, who are no doubt getting sucked and fucked by her nightly. She's just a normal human but she is blowing out the backs of demigods and giants alike. She is struggling to keep her head above water and that water is pussy.
Commander Gaius:
Ok so here me out: He is an asshole, and violent, and a fanatic who serves the very order that discriminates against him... but all you have to do is mention that Radahn is better in bed than him. With this one simple trick he will have you bent over the back of his boar making sure he won't be the only one who can't use their legs after. He is pure rage and he will not stop until he has make you cum more times than Radahn ever has. Trust me, this happened to me, video games are real.
Dancer of Ranah:
Infinite stamina, enough said.
Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)
Rellana Twin Moon Knight:
I want you to imagine Rennala, a normal woman who was able to satisfy Radagon/Marika, the sluttiest possible duo in the entire history of the lands between. Now imagine Rennala at full power, no depression, no hanging out in her basement mourning her failed marriage... now imagine Rennala 18% more goth and holding two magic swords. She will fuck you into space and then fuck you back to planet earth. Now imagine being bisexual.
Messmer the Impaler + Base Serpent Messmer:
I have slowly grown to love this sad bishounen anime boy more and more as I learn about his pathetic little life. He seems all mean and firey, but he is a bottom. (and his snakes are not) I wanna make him squeal and then get him therapy and then for good measure make him squel again.
Romina, Saint of the Bud:
A sleeper hit, but she is a mean insect lady with a giant prehensile centipede tail. She is like a xenomorph queen but a pink pastel goth rather than a vampire goth. She will wrap you up in that giant tail of hers and get straight to the egg laying. If you haven't considered it before, then you will now.
Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)
Metyr, Mother of Fingers:
Look... you WILL die after doing this, but she has a giant stomach full of squirming wet fingers and she is basically a big pile of dicks. Get naked, jump into her gaping stomach and die happy. That's an order from your commanding officer, now do your duty and serve your country.
Bayle the Dread:
I hate this dragon, he is responsible for the steady decline in dragon sex appeal, he hurt my Igon, and I can't explain why but I feel like he is sexist somehow. BUT... a dragon is a dragon. If Igon asks me to double team this guy I legally can't say no.
BONUS: Ranking the new NPC's from worst to best in terms of fuckability:
#13: Fire Knight Queenlign:
Somehow, his haircut is more of a turn-off than the war crimes he committed in the name of a god who doesn't even know he exists, which is not a good sign.
#12: Hornsent Grandam:
Normally I would give GILFs a pass to live their life and fuck as little or as much as they want. But she is the type to slut shame other women and as a feminist I cannot stand idly by.
#11: Hornsent
In another life he'd be a decent lay. He had a wife and a child so he has had sex at least once. In a pinch I can forgive the blind self destructive quest for vengeance, but I draw the line as soiled loincloths. You're an adult Hornsent, so act like it.
#10: Moore
My sweet little pot boy... If it came to sex I'd like to imagine that he is attentive and gentle, with his armor clattering around the whole time because he is too scared to take it off entirely. But he is too sweet and you honestly don't deserve him. He needs to be romanced, swept off his feet by a loyal and supportive partner and let's face it, you aren't at a place in your life where you can be all that he needs.
#9: Thoiller
The pillow princess to end all pillow princesses. He is a simp, he's submissive, he's breedable, he's a sopping wet pathetic little meow meow. Tumblr, THIS is the man you keep saying you want, now get in there and impregnate this man as the prophecies foretold.
#8: St. Trina
She's a plant at this point and probably isn't up for sex. (And a disembodied essence of love from a corrupted demigod) But I KNOW for a fact you kept imbibing her nectar more than you needed to. She just likes to watch as you and Thoiller get high and flop around in the putrescences. Lore says St. Trina was a fully grown woman at some point, and not just a weird little plant person, so in her prime she probably had a weird sleepy plant orgy with her followers.
#7: Redmane Freyja:
On paper she is the tragic butch sword lesbian we need but don't deserve. A prisoner who earned her freedom and rank through brutal gladiatorial combat, a loyal knight to a fallen demigod, and a big buff lady who can step on you. But in practice she still sides with Leda after breaking free of the mind control, and lets Miquella control her lords body like a toy. Come on Freyja, where is your fire? Your rage? Suplex Leda and fuck your way across the lands between as did your forefathers.
#6: Swordhand of Night Jolan:
She's a mean goth girl with a tragic past and a desperate need to be loved. I could fix her.
#5: Sir Ansbach
He easily earned his place in the top 5. He's running from a tragic past, he is trying to be a better person, he has all the sex appeal of Varre' but actually bathes, and he is a GILF. In practice he probably isn't the BEST in bed, but he is rather romancable. He can still get it, since he was a highly trained warrior in the past, but I see myself cuddling him as he somberly adjusts his glasses and stares out the window. Don't get me wrong there is still a LOT of sweaty blood sex but he knows what he is doing and understands what soap is.
#4: Igon
He's a screamer. Broken legs, dirty armor, doesn't matter. The warriors code demands that we look into each other's eyes as we both cum. That is the only honorable way.
#3: Needle Knight Leda
She sucks. She willingly follows a loser wannabe god, and it's not even the mind control, she is just like that™ already. She is so bad at socializing with rational people who are already on her side that she jumps to murder without hesitation. She even killed all the first Needle Knights just cuz of her own paranoia. She should be at the bottom of this list... but a yandere is a yandere. It would be creepy, uncomfortable and she'd be very demanding and probably bite you in a very non-sexy way. But it would still be some of the best sex you'll ever have. You'd regret it just as much as you'd enjoy it, and you'd regret it for the rest of your life.
#2: Dragon Communion Priestess Florissax:
Lovelorn dragon lady who wants me to eat other dragons in a very sensual manner. I am not immune and neither are you.
#1: Dryleaf Dane
After that brush, he is distant. His training is cold and impersonal, he throws himself into his prayers, dedicating every waking moment to meditation. He sought to turn his flesh to iron, so why is the flesh so weak around you?
Hear me out. He's religious, he is dedicated to his cause, he tries to kill you, and he doesn't even say a word to you.
BUT.
Imagine what happens when you finally get him to break.
He is your master, teaching you in the dryleaf arts, the two of you sparring atop a waterfall and bruising your knuckles more and more with each strike. The two of you meditate together, seeking inner peace to further your warriors spirit. He is stoic, his heart closed off to you and his mind focused on his holy mission.
But he is temped, you can see it in his eyes, in the way he watches over you when you are hurt, the soft way his fist unclench after a battle, and the thick layer of sweat you share after sparring. Together you are hardening your bodies to become living weapons, but bodies are not only used for violence, and the two of you cannot ignore the tension that grows with each day, your bodies intertwining during a particularly heated duel, grappling turning slowly to wanton exploration. He comes to his senses right before it crosses the line and you see the fear in his eyes as he pulls away from you. But you wouldn't have stopped him and he knows it from the pleased expression on your face as you lie on your back, defeated.
When it finally happens, you are sparring, leaving nothing behind. You shed your armor to let the movements flow without hindrance and so does he, conflict apparent upon his face. You trade blow after blow, your bodies raw and sore but still you don't let up. The sun is setting and neither of you will relent, sweat coating every inch and the roar of the waterfall drowning out every thought that isn't dedicated to this battle.
He is getting sloppy, his eyes transfixed not on your fists but your face. A poorly placed sweep to your legs leaves him wide open and you go for the maneuver neither of you have attempted since the close encounter that frightened him so.
He struggles, pushing your arms and legs away fruitlessly as his exhaustion drains away his years of practice. Soon you are pinning him to the wet ground on the riverbed, his hair wild and his hat flung far out of arms reach. He looks like a cornered animal in your grasp, eyes bulging and his breathing haggard. You can only look down upon your former master with a gleeful hunger, his body already more familiar to you than your own.
In a moment of understanding you see the hesitation drain from eyes. He knows what he wants, and he is done denying it. You grab his face roughly and kiss him more violently than any punch you have thrown. He returns in kind and all the exhaustion seems to leave his body as he sits up and wraps both arms around you firmly, desperate to make up for lost time, his holy mission only to worship your body and the unbreakable bond you have forged in sweat and blood.
And then you bone.
We have all imagined that exact scenario, haven't we? I have yet to meet a Fromsoft fan who hasn't described that fantasy to me word for word without hesitation. I am just saying what we were all thinking.
(Pictured: a man I would fuck until he renounces his god.)
