song fic based on before by Ulrik Munther
Calum tugs open the trunk of Michaelâs car, grabbing his bags and placing them on the ground. Heâs barely been gone for two months, and touring overseas always means packing lightly, but tonight everything feels extra heavy. His bags, every breath that tumbles from his lips, each step as he walks to the front of the car. The window on the passenger side where Michael is seated is rolled down, and the boy is leaning out of it, green eyes searching for Calumâs.
âThanks for the ride,â Calum says, crouching down so he can look inside the car. Michaelâs girlfriend leans towards her boyfriend, smiling softly at Calum. âThank you, Crystal.â
âOf course, Calum.â She says, and Calum finds he has to look away from her concerned eyes. âAnytime.â
Calum glances to the backseat of the car where his other two bandmates are sound asleep, Lukeâs head on Ashtonâs shoulder. He feels the ache in his stomach return, the one that has made an almost permanent home in his body for the last few weeks. Itâs a mixture of not wanting to leave the road and the touring, not wanting to leave his best friendsâ sides and being scared of whatâs awaiting him at home.
âHey, everythingâs fine.â Michael places a hand on Calumâs arm. âIâm sure thereâs a perfectly fine reason why she didnât come.â
Calum had thought that you would have been at the airport tonight. There to welcome him home with sweet kisses and warm arms wrapped around his cold body. Calum knew that you were mad or sad or disappointed or whatever it is youâve been feeling towards him, but he also knows that you have missed him terribly. This hasnât happened before, youâve never once missed welcoming him home at the airport, which is probably why it feels extra hard.
âBecause sheâs mad at me.â Calum groans, running a hand over his tired face. âThatâs why she didnât come.â
âCalum,â Michael sighs, his voice soft and quiet. âYou just need to talk to her.â
âNo buts. She loves you. And you love her.â Michael sends him an encouraging smile. âGo and work things out now.â
âFine.â Calum slings his backpack over one shoulder. âGoodnight.â
âGood luck.â Michael yawns, a tired grin growing on his lips. âNot that you need it, youâll be fine.â
Calum grunts, and then the car is gone and heâs all alone. He tugs at his green hoodie, wanting more than anything to just stay out here, to not have to go inside. But itâs October, and unusually cold tonight. He sighs as he grabs his suitcase, taking his sweet time hauling it up the stairs that leads to his shared apartment with you. He feels his heart squeeze with each step he takes. Calum feels nervous as he puts the keys in the lock, the ache in his stomach becoming more intense as he steps inside.
Itâs dark in the apartment, and the familiar scent of home hits him in the chest like it always does when heâs been gone for a long period of time. Itâs completely quiet except for the quiet sound of dog paws sprinting across the floor as Calum sets down his suitcase.
He crouches down on one knee, smiling softly as Duke whines with happiness at the sight of Calum. He scratches behind Dukeâs ear, earning a low grunt from the dog in response. Calum looks around himself, searching with his eyes to see if he can spot you on the couch in the living room. He looks back down at Duke. âWhereâs your mama, buddy?â
Duke seems to be over the initial surprise of seeing Calum as he squirms away from his fingers, retreating into the apartment with a wiggling tail. Calum stands up again and swallows. Your car keys are on the coffee table, so you must be home.
Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.
Calum starts walking the familiar walk towards your shared bedroom, hoping to find you in there, but at the same time wishing for the opposite. Itâs not that Calum does not want to see you, because of course he wants to see you again, itâs that heâs afraid of what will happen when he does.
As Calum opens the door his eyes immediately lands on you lying on top of the bed. He feels the relief run through his body. Youâre not asleep, though. It doesnât take more than a glance at you for Calum to know that.
âY/n?â He mumbles, stepping inside the room. âBaby?â
Thereâs no reply from you. Calum sighs as you pretend to sleep. He steps out of his shoes, tugging off his beanie and throwing it on the floor. Calum moves towards the bed, his heart hammering in his chest as he climbs up on his side. You donât even move.
âBaby, I-â Calum reaches for you, and itâs not until his skin comes in contact with yours that you react. He tries to snake his long fingers around your arm, softly and carefully, but the second the tip of his long fingers brushes your skin you jerk away. Calum feels his heart stop in his chest.
He doesnât know what to do, or how to react. So instead he just sits there on his knees, watching your frame in the dark. When he finally speaks itâs a low whisper. âY/n⌠Can we - can we just talk?â
At that, you laugh. It sounds strange to his ears, almost as if youâre trying to hold down tears. Suddenly, you sit up and Calumâs whole body aches to pull you close, to press his nose against your hair and to feel your warm body against his. âOh, so now you want to talk to me?â
âNo.â Your voice is harsh. Youâre never harsh to Calum. âYou donât get to do that, Calum. Not this time.â
He stays quiet, watching you with big eyes. He blinks, suddenly trying to press down his own tears.
âYou donât get to come walking back into my life as if nothing has happened when you havenât talked to me in over a month.â You put your arms around your body, hugging yourself as you finally look up at your boyfriend.
âA month, Calum!â you let out a shaky laugh, tilting your head back so you can study the ceiling. âThere are no buts here. I havenât heard your voice in over a month. I have barely gotten a text from you in two.â
Calum doesnât know what to say. Because of course she has every right to be angry at him. Heâs seen her missed calls and listened to her voicemails and read all of her texts. He just hasnât replied.
âI just⌠I donât want to do this right now.â Suddenly youâre on your own knees, gathering pillows and blankets in your arms and Calum feels as the panic grabs a hold of him.
âNo, baby, please.â He pleads, crawling closer to you. âIâm sorry, I really am. But you know how busy tour gets, and with the time differences and everything.â
At this point heâs just rambling, desperately trying to say something that could make things better between the two of you.
âThat doesnât matter! You canât blame this on things like that, Calum.â Your eyes are hard, mad and devastatingly sad at the same time. âWeâve made it work before. The other boys always make time for whoever they are seeing. Youâre not on stage every second when youâre on tour, Calum, itâs not that hard to pick up your phone.â
âI-,â Calum stops himself this time. He doesnât know what to say, because of course youâre fucking right. He feels the tears well up in his eyes at the sight of your hurt frame.
âIt shouldnât be that hard to pick up your phone for your girlfriend. If only for a text or a five-minute talk.â You hug the pillows to your chest. âI know that you do this every time, Cal, and I probably shouldnât be surprised anymore. But itâs been over a month without hearing your voice, and it hurts. It fucking hurts to know that you donât want to talk to me. It hurts that you wonât even pick up the phone when I need you the most.â
âNo, I donât want you to think like that, baby girl.â The first tear falls from his eye, but Calum doesnât care if he cries. He reaches for your hand, his fingers clasping yours almost desperately. âPlease, Iâm so sorry. Iâm sorry I didnât call you.â
âSorry isnât always enough, Calum. Not when you keep doing the same thing over and over again despite knowing how important it is for me to talk to the people I care for.â You raise a hand, your thumb brushing away some of the tears from his cheek. âI just⌠Maybe this isnât enough anymore.â
âNo.â Calumâs voice breaks along with his heart. He grasps your hand tighter in his, afraid that if he lets go you will get up and walk away from him. âPlease give me some time, baby. I just need some time before you do this. Give me some time to make things better. Please.â
âYouâve had plenty of time, Calum.â
âNo, baby please just give me some more time. We will have a proper talk about this, I promise you. But before we make any decisions just â just please give me time to make things better.â He canât let her go, sheâs the best fucking thing that has ever happened to him. âI love you so fucking much, baby. Iâm sorry I didnât call.â
He wants so desperately to make this work, to fix his stupid mistakes and to pull you in for a soft kiss. But itâs all in your eyes, and Calum feels his heart break.
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