My name is Jelimo Chelagat. I am a lover of life, foodie and all things artistic.
I count myself blessed because I have made a career out of something I am passionate about: digital media. Browsing Facebook one afternoon, I saw Flawnt It of Kombo Mutuku’s wall and I thought, “Oh my God, that’s so amazing!”
I’ve always been big about anti-body shaming and I think a lot of us growing up, especially girls, have so much thrown in our faces about body image. Luckily, I grew up in a supportive environment and so I did not struggle much with body image. Actually, I never really considered it until I left school.
In college, I’d mostly wear jeans and t-shirts, but in the last leg of my 22nd year I began to explore my femininity. With time I realized that I liked my form in feminine attire.
To mark my birthday out of school, I decided I was going to take myself on holiday and the only place I could afford: Uganda. I had just graduated and I’d gotten cash gifts from my uncles and other family members, so I splurged in Uganda. I wanted to feel feminine and enjoy my figure while I was still young, isn’t that what we’re told to do?
A few weeks after I got back, I was walking in town and I was crossing a road. I looked left then right and as I started to cross, a driver came flying down the road out of nowhere and hit me. Both my bones on my lower right leg broke on impact.
So there I was, in the middle of town at around 4.30 pm, people wanting to carry me, I’m screaming “Don’t touch me! Call an ambulance!!!”
I was in excruciating pain. I was wearing jeans and I could see that my leg had an ‘extra joint’ near the right ankle. From the little first aid I knew, I could tell that I had a bad fracture. I didn’t see how grisly it was, until the first-aiders came and had to cut off part of my trousers. I saw that my bone was jutting out. That’s when I lost it.
Getting to hospital, the doctors assessed my injuries and they said had good and bad news. The good news is that I did not sustain any internal injuries. The bad news was that because I had sustained an extreme double compound fracture, I had to go through surgery where they would insert a metal plate and screws to fix my leg. Because of the location of the fracture, the procedure would take time. Healing, too, would take some time, the orthopedist advised.
Despite being a very active child, I’d never even sprained an ankle. And there I was at 23 lying in a hospital bed, sore everywhere. Despite the heavy cocktail of painkillers I was on, I could not find sleep that first night. I kept replaying the accident over and over in my head. When that got unbearable, I tried to imagine what the surgery would be like and how I look and feel afterward.
I know it sounds really vain, but I was worried that my leg would look ugly with a big scar at the front. I felt a little ridiculous, because here I was alive after an accident that could have been fatal, but I’m worried about a scar.
I couldn’t even say it aloud to people, but it was always at the back of my mind. When they were putting me under, I got a little woozy and I told the doctor over and over again, “Please make sure I don’t have a big scar on my leg.” The surgeon was so amused by that odd request he told my mum about it the next day.
When I looked at my leg a couple of days later as they were cleaning it, I cried. It was bruised, dark, swollen and misshapen. It looked terrible. I didn’t talk the rest of that day. I hid in my bedroom and wept. I’d always loved my legs, so this was a blow.
The doctor was right. The journey to my complete healing was a long, painful and arduous one. I was on crutches for 6 whole months and I had to two additional surgeries before I was completely whole. During the first six months, mundane tasks like taking a shower or washing dishes became nearly impossible without assistance.
I couldn’t do high impact exercises I began to add weight. I had this big, dark ugly scar on my leg, so I couldn’t wear all those beautiful dresses that I had bought. Then, because of my weight gain, the other clothes I had were tight-fitting. I couldn’t wear heels either because of my leg surgery.
I was always on the chubby side all my life, but it had never bothered me. This was the first time it really started to affect me.
I had a work cocktail that I had to go for once and when I looked in my closet, all my dresses were knee length. I remember running around looking for opaque stockings. Do you know how hard it is to find opaque stockings?
The height of it all was when I won this contest and as part of it, I was going to host a conference in Germany. I had to wear a business suit while hosting the conference and at the time I didn’t have a trouser suit that looked nice, and for my body shape, I tend to look better in skirts. I had amazing skirt suits, though.
The morning of the conference it dawned on me how self-conscious I really was. I found myself actually applying facial makeup on the scar to minimize its appearance. I stopped and looked at myself and thought, “This is ridiculous! I cannot live like this.”
People have insecurities sometimes that they can’t get past. But it’s funny how nobody around them even notices the thing that they are self-conscious about. I really struggled with my scar, but honestly I’m usually the one who has to tell people about my scar and they’re always surprised.
If there’s one thing I learned after the accident it is that life is short. It can disappear in a moment. So why stress myself about such a small thing? In my eulogy it’s never going to read, “She had an ugly scar on her right leg.”
It’s a morbid way of thinking of it, but it has helped me release my insecurities. Despite my weight gain and the scar, I decided to let it go and carpe the heck out of diem. I got more dresses and skirts, threw away the stockings and kept the make up on my face-not my legs.
Parting shot? We need to liberate ourselves from our thoughts and the things we internalize about ourselves. You carry all these things that rest of the world doesn’t see it. You’re ultra-sensitive to all the negativity, and so naturally that’s all you will notice. But the moment you let it go, and decide to celebrate all the other things about you, you begin to enjoy life and be free.
Photos courtesy of Kombo Mutuku Muoka, Urbantu Media
