lily of the valley

lily evans. nineteen years old. order of the phoenix.

[remusnotromulus]

in the wolf’s den ( 3 dec.’79 )

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

remusnotromulus:

No objections from me there. I can quite happily live off your dislike for him. [ he sighs ]  Maybe. I think he started it, but she’s gotten worse over the years. She doesn’t try to, she just… hesitates. Which I get, but… I mean, I’m not going to hurt either of them. Hugging me isn’t going to kill them, or handing me a cup of tea, or… y’know I just don’t get that. [ he looks up at her and smiles ] He gave you the mirror? Him and James love those mirrors, I didn’t think it was possible for him to part with it. [ he sighs ] I think if I see him, though, he’s gonna’ freak. I’m gonna’ freak. I’m nervous, Lily. I’m not trying to be, but I’m nervous. [ he shakes his head ] Just stick with me. And don’t freak out if you hear anything in the basement. I know that you heard about the safe house from James and Sirius, but… well, it was hearing them that messed with my head. Because I could hear them outside the door. I thought they were keeping me in there. So just don’t worry, okay? Whatever you hear, I’m gonna’ be alright. [ he pauses ] And coffee in the morning. Please. 

[ she had been biting her tongue but nothing he was saying was anything she disagreed with ]  I don’t either.  I’ve tried to figure it out and I just — [ she shakes her head ]  I’m sorry they’re like that.  I know it doesn’t mean much but I’m sorry.  You deserve so much more than that, you know that right?  You deserve a family that loves you more when you need them, doesn’t shy away.  [ she’s getting mushy and she knows it but she had promised to coddle him ]  He has James live in person.  And his mirror.  So I guess he figured he’d manage fine for a night without it.  [ she nods ]  Then be nervous.  The more you fight against it, the bigger a problem it is.  Just - let it be.  Let it all be.  It’s only as big a problem as you let it be.  [ she nods again, somberly ]  I can’t promise I won’t worry but I promise I’ll do it quietly.  Moony won’t know I’m there.  And you are going to be alright.  [ she grins ] I’ll even spike it, if you like.

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

indogyearsimdeadsirius:

“They’re absolutely minding me. You’ve all been minding me for weeks.” It wasn’t said with malice, but it was said strongly. They had been watching him. And if they thought he hadn’t noticed, they were wrong. He knew they were worried about him, knew that was the reason they  were watching him. But they were watching him. 

He smiled at her, covered her hand with his. He wanted to tell her not to do something she couldn’t really promise. Not for him, but for her. But he didn’t bother, because he needed to believe it. He wanted to believe it. 

“It could. I know it could.” He shrugged. “I’m never good at it on nights like this. Take care of him, alright? I don’t mean after. I do mean after, but after, it’s over. He’ll be more worried before. He’ll need you more before.” 

He rocked up and down from his toes to his heels. 

“We’re not minding you,” she said again and she did mean it.  “You mind someone incapable of taking care of themselves, someone helpless.  We’re not your babysitters, we’re your family and we worry.  We love you.”  Were they worried he’d do something stupid or dangerous, yes.  But not because they didn’t trust him.  It was because he was in pain and it was the same thing any of them would do in his situation.  

She knew there were things she couldn’t control here, things she couldn’t promise, but she promised them anyway.  She would move mountains if she had to to make sure Sirius and Remus were both in one piece come morning.  

“I will.  I’ll coddle him and everything.”  She joked, hoping to soften his expression, but she was sincere.  “But you have to let James do the same for you, okay?  Remus isn’t the only one of you I’ll be worried about tonight.”

[remusnotromulus]

in the wolf’s den ( 3 dec.’79 )

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

remusnotromulus:

No, but what’s the point in being angry at them forever? It doesn’t help anything. And anyway, he’s more subdued than usual. That’s something at least, even if the reason’s bad. [ he gives a small shrug ] Yeah, she’s… she’s trying. She’s nervous. [ he nods ] Thank you. I packed some stuff too, just some stuff. [ he reaches over to his backpack and pulls out his photo album that sirius gave him ] Okay, I guess. I took a pain potion before we came, and I feel a little bit better, but I’m still just…. [ he sighs ] I’m nervous. 

You don’t have to be.  It makes me feel better, however, so I’ll keep it up.  [ she nods ]  I feel like she’d be less — fragile — if you’re father weren’t so edgy about it all.  She seems more scared because of him than she really is of the rest of it.  [ she smiles softly when she sees the photo album.  she thinks of the mirror in her bag ]  If you want to talk to him before, he sent his mirror with me.  You can.  [ she shakes her head, she didn’t mean physically ]  What can I do?  To make it easier?  I mean - is there anything?  What makes some moons worse?

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

indogyearsimdeadsirius:

“Me too. Though I’m sure James and Pete will try to keep me on my toes. Do you think he’s paid them to mind me, or is this unpaid labor tonight?” He was a little bitter as he said it, a little pouty. He nodded; that was a good enough answer as any. He picked at his cuticle. “I wouldn’t have let him. There was no way he was going into that house alone with his father. I - “ His breathing shook. “I can’t lose him too, okay? He’s got to come home. And if - if it gets awful.” 

He paused; he reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled something out. 

A mirror. Larger than a hand mirror, but still easily held. He held it out to her now. 

“Ask for Prongs. I’ve charmed it to let you in.” 

“They’re not minding you.  They’re worried about you.  Would you rather be left alone?”  She paused.  “Don’t answer that.  You would rather it but it wouldn’t be any good for you.”  When his breath and voice got shakey, she put both hands on either side of his face.  “You will not lose him.  Everything is going to be fine tonight and I will bring him back safe and sound in the morning, okay?  I promise.”  

She dropped her hands only to take the mirror when he held it out.  She recognized it, James had an identical one that moved around their flat from surface to surface.  She knew what it was, though she’d never used it.  “I won’t need it but if it gets awful —” she nodded.  “Promise you’ll at least try and rest?  Let the boys fuss a bit.  It will do you all good.”

[remusnotromulus]

in the wolf’s den ( 3 dec.’79 )

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

remusnotromulus:

It’s just what he does, you know that’s never gonna’ change. I don’t think he knows how, at this point. [ his eyelashes flutter as she runs her hand through his hair, and he sighs quietly ] Good. My mum’ll help you get me back upstairs and patch me up; you don’t have to do that on your own. 

There’s your answer then.  History is no excuse for bad behavior.  [ she leans back, relaxing for the first time since they’ve arrived ]  She’s nice enough, your mum.  I packed some extra potions, I threw together what I could.  What I had enough time for.  Hopefully we’ll have everything we need.  [ she looks down at him ]  How’re you feeling?

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

indogyearsimdeadsirius:

“Help me ward the forest better.” It was a strong, immediate answer. “We make it so there’s no way for anyone to get in, or him to get out. And then he won’t be confined. And maybe he’d still not let just one of us run with him, but it won’t be his parents’ place. For next time.” He shook his head. “Don’t sit at the door unless he tells you you can. Moony is … particular. About freedom. They’re awful, Lily. It’s different than with mine. Mine don’t pretend to love me.” 

She didn’t skip a beat.  “We’ll look some things up.  If he’s putting wards on the room, the only difference is a locked door between Moony and the outside world.  There has to be a way to create the same safe space without being in a basement somewhere.  I’ll have a night to read with nothing else to do, I’ll see what I can find.”  She nodded.  “I know.  I won’t.  Top of the stairs if I need to be, otherwise I’ll stay in the living room.  I won’t make it any harder for him that it has to be.”  She frowned.  “I know.  I’m glad he’s letting me come.  I hated the idea of him being alone with them all day.”

[remusnotromulus]

in the wolf’s den ( 3 dec.’79 )

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

remusnotromulus:

[ he manages a small smile and moves over to the bed, curling up on it next to her and looking up at her ] 

He goes to bed early; just hang out here until he goes to bed, then you can go wherever you want. Just not down the stairs to the basement, okay? And if you sit there, you have to be quiet. I’m putting up enough wards that there shouldn’t be a problem. [ he pokes her gently ] Go easy on them. This is the closest to trying they’ve come in years. 

[ this time it’s her hand running thoughtlessly through his hair.  she makes a face at his words ] 

I’ll go easy on him when he goes easy on you.  [ she doesn’t mind his mother as much, though the woman’s hesitance around him grates on her nerves.  it’s lyall and his attitude that rub her wrong ]  I won’t get too close, I promise.  But I fully intend to be the first face you seen in the morning.  

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

indogyearsimdeadsirius:

@fleurdelisxevans

“You don’t have to take him. We could just kidnap him instead. Because his parents house seems like a terribly lonely place to take him to, and I know we agreed but it seems maybe we shouldn’t do it.” 

“Say the word, Sirius, and I’ll help.”  She didn’t want to take him to his parents house, didn’t want him to have to be there and certainly didn’t want him to have to be alone.  “I won’t let him be lonely, I’ll be there all night.  As close as he’ll let me be, anyway.”

[remusnotromulus]

in the wolf’s den ( 3 dec.’79 )

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

remusnotromulus:

@fleurdelisxevans

[ the best thing that’s happened all day is getting away from his parents. he pretends to be tired, claims that he needs to take a nap, and he sneaks upstairs once the plans have been made and he and his parents have gone through every single agonizingly small detail about the wards he’d be putting in place. lyall especially seemed interested in what he was doing, how to put the spells up and which ones he was going to be using. he didn’t like having remus do the wards instead of him.

he tiptoes upstairs and opens the door to his room, snagging lily as he passes the kitchen and whispering for her to follow. he gets up to his room and closes the door behind the two of them before he closes his eyes and sighs heavily, leaning against the door ] 

I swear, transforming’s gonna’ be like a treat after a whole day with them. Christ.

[ lily is glad to be there.  not that she’s having fun, of course, but because the longer she spends watching the way lyall treats remus, the happier she is that he isn’t there alone.  her glare for the father of one of her dearest friends is fierce and fiery and doesn’t fade as the hours pass.  she shadows remus as best she can, as long as she’s not in her way, as if she physically wanted to be a barrier between father and son.  and she did.  

he doesn’t have to try hard to lead her to his room, she shadows him there as she has all day and sits on the edge of his bed ]  

I shouldn’t tell you that I’m actually looking forward to spending some alone time with your father.  You won’t let me say all the things I really want to.  

[remusnotromulus]

fleurdelisxevans:

[ she sits up and turns to look at him ] Which is why I don’t like it! It’s bad enough you don’t have the boys but people like that! Who think that about their son! [ she clenches her teeth together forcing herself to breathe ] what if I went? To their house with you. Send them out and I’ll stay. The boys will be with Sirius. I can’t run with you, not yet anyway I need at least until next moon, but I could at least be there. [ her expression softens ] I don’t think there’s really any should in all of this.

I don’t get to choose who my parents are! Or I’d’ve chosen ones that were less shit, and then I wouldn’t even be a werewolf. I’d be normal. [ he raises his eyebrows ] You’d do that? I mean– I don’t know. Would you do that? They’ll be there for part of the night, but in the morning… I mean. You can come get me? [ he shakes his head before he flops backwards on the mattress ] No, but it’s fucked up that I can’t trust them with this. I used to. 

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

Of course I'd do that. Remus, is sit outside the damn door if it would help. I'll stand between you and hem before and after. You wouldn't even have to see them if you don't want. [ she flops next to him ] what changed?

[remusnotromulus]

fleurdelisxevans:

[ as he said the word monster she couldn’t help but frown ] Don’t say that, you’re not. Remus I don’t like you being alone with them. I know I promised and I’ll still do it I just - isn’t there anywhere else? Anyone else? [ she shakes her head ] it’s not awful. The whole thing is hard, if you can’t then you can’t.

It’s what they think! It’s— [ he can’t say it’s what he thinks. lily will absolutely not let him go if he says that. she’ll think it’s a punishment that he’s going by himself. and she’d probably be right. he shakes his head ] I could run with the pack, I guess, but… I mean, Sirius hates that. And we agreed I wouldn’t anymore. I could go to the colony, but that leaves me in worse shape than doing this would. And I don’t know anyone else. I don’t have anywhere else to go. I can’t be in the Shrieking Shack, not on my own. Not after what happened with Snape. [ he sighs ] They’re my friends. I should be able to rely on them. I hate that I… that I can’t. 

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

[ she sits up and turns to look at him ] Which is why I don't like it! It's bad enough you don't have the boys but people like that! Who think that about their son! [ she clenches her teeth together forcing herself to breathe ] what if I went? To their house with you. Send them out and I'll stay. The boys will be with Sirius. I can't run with you, not yet anyway I need at least until next moon, but I could at least be there. [ her expression softens ] I don't think there's really any should in all of this.

[remusnotromulus]

fleurdelisxevans:

[ she frowned when he said he could do it with just james. Her own worry for James kicked in but she kept that to herself ] I won’t say anything to him. [ how could she? ] of course she did. She’s probably real - [ she very literally bit her tongue. She wouldn’t say anything she’d regret, not before the woman was going to be responsible for remus for an entire night. She’d save her judgement for after ] we need a better backup plan. After this month we are all of us sitting down and coming up with one. What if the boys get called off on a mission or something? We need something - better.

Thank you. [ he sighs ] She’s not thrilled to have a monster in the house again, no. Not that she ever was, but she agreed, at least. That has to count for something. I’m hoping I can just send her and my dad out for the night, so they don’t have to be there. [ he nods ] I know we do. I just don’t know what yet, and I mean… I’ve transformed with just Sirius and Pete before. And James and Sirius, but I just… I can’t transform with just one of them. And I can’t transform with James and Pete, I know that’s awful, but I… I can’t. 

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

[ as he said the word monster she couldn't help but frown ] Don't say that, you're not. Remus I don't like you being alone with them. I know I promised and I'll still do it I just - isn't there anywhere else? Anyone else? [ she shakes her head ] it's not awful. The whole thing is hard, of you can't then you can't.

[remusnotromulus]

fleurdelisxevans:

The best thing for Sirius is for you to be alright.  The second best thing is for him to be surrounded by the rest of us.  I know it’s a big thing, I know it’s bad if even he doesn’t want to run.  Which is all the more reason for neither of you to be alone.  [ she lets out a long breath, closing her eyes ]  Okay.  I don’t like it but I’ll be there in the morning.  To bring you home.  I’ll probably be there by the time you change back, I’ll help your mum.  [ it wasn’t that she didn’t trust his mum to take care of him in the morning but — well it was exactly that.  remus’ parents had lost her trust when it came to his wellbeing a very long time ago ] 

And I will be. I’d rather he had both. I can manage for one night; I can do the full moon on my own. I can’t do the morning after without them. And I can’t… James offered to transform with me so Pete could stay with Sirius, but I don’t…  I can’ do that. Don’t tell James, I don’t want him to– I just… I can’t.  [ he nods ] Thank you. She sounded a little… I don’t know, worried about the idea, but I can’t think of somewhere else to go. I can’t go to the Shrieking Shack, and I’m not doing a safe house again. At least I’ll be not in need of being stitched up by the time the boys see me. 

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

[ she frowned when he said he could do it with just james. Her own worry for James kicked in but she kept that to herself ] I won't say anything to him. [ how could she? ] of course she did. She's probably real - [ she very literally bit her tongue. She wouldn't say anything she'd regret, not before the woman was going to be responsible for remus for an entire night. She'd save her judgement for after ] we need a better backup plan. After this month we are all of us sitting down and coming up with one. What if the boys get called off on a mission or something? We need something - better.

[indogyearsimdeadsirius]

fleurdelisxevans:

She pursed her lips at his words but she wasn’t offended, not really.  How could she be?  He could tell her to fuck off and go to hell and she would still be just as patient.  She would be annoyingly so, if she had to be.  “You’re not hurting them.  You’re not hurting anyone.  Except my eyes, when was the last time you showered?”  She turned and looked him over, shrugging.  “You’ll do.”  She took a few steps until she stood toe to toe with him, tilting her head up to kiss his cheek.  “Come on.  I won’t even ask you to smile once all day.  I promise.”  She held out her hand for his.

“That feels like an unrelated inquiry, Lily.” Crossing his arms, he wrinkled his nose. “I am hurting them, though. I know I am. I’m hurting Remus. I barely touch him.” He went a little red around the ears. His face softened when she kissed his cheek, and he took her hand. 

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

"It is but it's a valid one either way, you're hair is getting greasy." She frowned, squeezing his hand. "You need time. He knows that. He already promised you forever, waiting for you now is part of what he signed up for." Once his hand was in hers she looped her arm through his to more adequately pull him out the door. "What's first. Ice cream?"

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

remusnotromulus:

Evenly distributing the pain isn’t taking it away. It’s just spreading it out, and I think right now, the best thing would be for Sirius to have everyone else there to support him. And I don’t trust him to not get into another fight. I know that’s awful, but I’m just… I’m scared for him. He’s always fighting me, every single month, to run, and I get why he isn’t, but it… it freaks me out. I didn’t even suggest that he didn’t; it was his idea. And that… that’s a danger sign for me. That this is really bad. [ he sighs and brushes his fingers through her hair ] Yeah, well, we’re not perfect. I’m trying to do the right thing, Lily. Not just for me, for Sirius, but just… all of us. All of it. And it’d make things a hundred times worse if I hurt James or Peter. I don’t want to risk it. 

The best thing for Sirius is for you to be alright.  The second best thing is for him to be surrounded by the rest of us.  I know it’s a big thing, I know it’s bad if even he doesn’t want to run.  Which is all the more reason for neither of you to be alone.  [ she lets out a long breath, closing her eyes ]  Okay.  I don’t like it but I’ll be there in the morning.  To bring you home.  I’ll probably be there by the time you change back, I’ll help your mum.  [ it wasn’t that she didn’t trust his mum to take care of him in the morning but — well it was exactly that.  remus’ parents had lost her trust when it came to his wellbeing a very long time ago ] 

[remusnotromulus]

fleurdelisxevans:

Then why are you so set on it? [ her face is drawn ] I hate this. I hate that I can’t go with you. I hate that you’re so set on hurting yourself when there is a perfectly reasonable solution staring you in the face. The whole lot of you are idiots, you know. [ she sounds angry but anyone who knows her would know that’s what it sounds like when she’s scared and frustrated ] Just think about it please. About taking James and Peter? Promise me you’ll think about it at least?

Because I’m always going to get hurt on fulls. They don’t have to. It doesn’t do anyone any good if all of us are hurting. [ he shakes his head ] I know. I know, Lily, I know all this. Yeah, we’re idiots. But at least we’re idiots trying to protect each other. That has to count for something. [ he sighs ] I’ve thought about it. And I can’t. 

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

It does them a lot of good if they can take some of that pain for you and help you carry that weight and you very well know that. [ she makes a face at him and shifts to lay on her side, her head in his lap ] It just makes you bigger idiots because yourselves are what you try and protect each other from. You're not idiots, your martyrs. Think about it again. For me.

[remusnotromulus]

fleurdelisxevans:

I know you’re not asking permission but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell you that I think this is a bad idea. [ she narrows her eyes ] Help from who if not me or the boys. Because the last time you had help you meant having Mary lie to us until it was too late to do anything but clean you up in the morning. You can’t do that again. Sirius can’t take you doing that again. If something happens to you because he couldn’t be with you, he’ll never forgive himself and you know it.

I know you think it’s a bad idea. Everyone is gonna’ think it’s a bad idea. [ he sighs ] My parents. I’m going home the day of the full, my mum’ll patch me up in the morning. It’s been a while since I transformed there, but I called them and they said they’d let me. This isn’t like last time. I’m telling you, aren’t I? I don’t wanna’ hide. I don’t want this to be like last time, or I wouldn’t tell you where I was going. I’d leave a letter and just disappear, I can do that. [ he shakes his head ] Nothing is gonna’ happen to me. I’ll be fine. I’ll transform and then by the time you come get me I’ll be all patched up, it’ll barely be like I transformed. I can do this. I know I can do this. I transformed in the Shrieking Shack a few months back, and I was fine. It’s not gonna’ be like November. 

[fleurdelisxevansarchive]

Then why are you so set on it? [ her face is drawn ] I hate this. I hate that I can't go with you. I hate that you're so set on hurting yourself when there is a perfectly reasonable solution staring you in the face. The whole lot of you are idiots, you know. [ she sounds angry but anyone who knows her would know that's what it sounds like when she's scared and frustrated ] Just think about it please. About taking James and Peter? Promise me you'll think about it at least?