Strugglin And Starvin

18+ not Pro SW: 199.8 CW:180.0 GW1:180✔️GW2:170 GW3: 150 GW4: 130 UGW:124 5’10 Don’t report seriously just block if you have a problem

[float-likea-fairy]

✨first of all hi I’m back it’s been a while but we always find our way back don’t we?

Secondly, I was just scrolling and realized I’m about to be 25 years old. The posts on here about how to hide your êď at school make me feel ancient. How about some updated content how to hide your ẽď from your husband or your wife or whoever. Am I an elder? Is that what’s happening here? Have I aged out of this or is it still okay that I’m still struggling with this?

I thought I’d be okay by now…✨

[anotherpoisonapple]

Tired of being a fat cunt 😐 I want to be a ✨skinny✨ cunt

[float-likea-fairy]

Miscarried my baby on Tuesday. My mom said I look thinner already.

Two sentence sad stories

[float-likea-fairy]

✨Um okay but like why does the TAZO lemon loaf tea have the AUDACTIY to be so GODDAMN SCRUMPTIOUS????✨

[float-likea-fairy]

✨ 800 calorie limit today drank 222 calories today and some olives. Pretended like I ate leftover Mac n cheese gave it to my dog. Had some tea. Drinking more. Partner is mad at me because I don’t feel like driving an hour away for fucking coffee at 5 pm. Good day.✨🙃

[float-likea-fairy]

Whaddup fuckers my mom called me fat and now I’m back

[float-likea-fairy]

I haven’t posted here in a fat minute. I guess I’ve been in recovery for that time. But the food shit, that’s not why I’m here. I just need somewhere to vent and nobody to listen.

I don’t think I want to be married anymore. The person I married just isn’t the person I married anymore. And that’s fine like I’m not who they married either anymore. But they’ve just turned into a lazy, thoughtless asshole. They were recently discharged from the military and ever since then they just don’t have any discipline or ability to think about anyone other than themselves.

I have 2 jobs and I’m getting a 3rd to pay our fucking bills. They have agreed to search for a part time job. They can’t be bothered to get up for our son in the morning until it suits them. Im at my wits end with them. They are arrogant and lazy. I hate this feeling because i remember feeling like this was my person. Recently. But maybe they aren’t. I don’t know what to do. We have a child together. We’ve only been married 2 and a half years. I don’t want to be my mother.

Why can’t they just understand that we have a family now? We are living with their parents right now. It’s a packed house. There’s no privacy. They are not in any hurry to find our own place. We can’t even afford to pay rent which they are expecting next month. We can’t even afford our own bills right now much less add another one on top of it.

They want a date night tonight and usually I want to go. But tonight I’m dreading it. What if I get drunk and all the truth spills out? I’m going to get drunk because that’s the only way I stomach having sex with them. I’m not attracted to them anymore. It’s just kinda off putting now. The things I thought I could just ignore for the rest of my life are just not ignorable anymore. I can’t be a 22 year old divorcee. And a single mom on top of that. I have nowhere to go if I left them.

Our lives are so intermingled now it’s almost impossible to untangle it all. Bank accounts, cars in both our names, bills, cell phone plans not to mention our fucking child???

I’m a child of divorced parents. This shit sucks. And on top of all of that i know I will come off the bad guy here. A selfish bitch who left her unsuspecting partner. I wasn’t ready to get married. I’m so stupid. I was a fucking idiot to have a kid with someone I had known 5 months. I’m so fucking stupid. Nobody ever let me do anything ever again.

[float-likea-fairy]

✨dyeing my hair for a crumb of seratonin✨

[ttrajeudi]

me: wants to be healthy and recovered 

also me: actively enjoys self destructive behaviour

[float-likea-fairy]

Hopped on the Pigly train. I don’t think it ever occurred to me that there’s a balance between fasting for a week and binging all the time??? I can do 700 calories a day. That’s so much?? I also did some shopping yesterday. Got my monsters and protein shakes and some Coke Zero. 700 a day. 4 months. I can do this. I can’t use my fitness pal so I have to track everything manually.

[float-likea-fairy]

✨fuck you parent trap for embedding your scene of Oreos and peanut butter in my brain and my stupid ass for trying it and liking it. Would’ve had a not terrible day if I hadn’t fucked it all up. Fuck this. I’m starting the ABC diet on Monday. Checking out.✨

[a-thin-line]

Hope none of your clothes fkn fit for the new year. Hope you have to trek it out to EXPENSIVE boutiques to buy clothes that actually look good and have to pay a dumb amount of money to tailor them in to fit your new, sickly frame.

–

last time I made a curse, I lost 5kg in 10 days. here’s another to curse us all again hmm

[float-likea-fairy]

CW/TW (cutting/other)

✨I can’t take this anymore. I’m going to get razors tonight. I’m literally such a piece of shit anyways. Who fucking cares anymore? I’m already lying to my partner. What’s one for fucking lie? I don’t deserve them anyways. They deserve to live a life without a wife who has crippling mental issues and can’t go through life like a normal person. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to be divorced. I just can’t tread water anymore. I’m ready to drown.✨

[float-likea-fairy]

✨broke my fast 111 hours because I was feeling super foggy and just exhausted and unfortunately I can’t mom feeling that way. Broke it with less than 500 calories restarting the timer in preparation for Friday nights food fest. I feel like a fat disgusting failure though. All that work down the fucking drain. Because I’m exactly what everyone sees me as. A stupid, fat, failure.✨

[float-likea-fairy]

✨109 hours down. 58 to go. Lunch with my dad went swimmingly. No need to eat anything just kept talking the whole time. Took my whole entree home. But I mean what I ordered was 500 calories so that makes me feel better. Although the amount of cheese on top makes me seriously doubt that it was only 500.✨

[float-likea-fairy]

✨I’m so disgusted at how easily I lie to people I love.✨

[float-likea-fairy]

So tomorrow’s a potential problem. I’m meeting with my dad tomorrow and we talked about getting lunch. I can’t just eat like wtf. Maybe I’ll just say I forgot and ate a huge breakfast 🤔 just a Coke Zero for me thanks.

Then Friday night the last day of my fast, my partner and I planned a FaceTime dinner date. Because long distance hello. So if I eat before that I can’t eat on Friday night. And then I’d disappoint my partner.

And on top of everything I still don’t have my debit card. I lost it and ordered a new one but it’s not here still so until then I can’t do anything. I can’t buy a new vape because the ones I could afford are ass. Like disgusting but they were buy one get one so 🤷‍♀️.

Anyways. I guess that’s it. 10 more pounds and maybe I’ll post a before and after. 102 hours to go.