August 7, 2022
The intensity of the moment leaves very little space for any critical reflection. The past few months I've been leaning towards negativity, as I'm surrounded by many rather depressive people where I work. Strangely, I feel as if I'm again in high school. The type of social environment in which I am proxy to, full of people that I have a difficult time connecting with. This kind of feedback loop is toxic, as social anxiety makes it harder to feel connected.
I remember the theory in psychology that we are most critical of those who are similar to ourselves in some way. It's a kind of internal insecurity that becomes visible in another. At sub, I feel often too serious, too intellectual, too stiff in relation to those around me. I think mostly it's ok, since still I have a cool style, I am talented and have an interesting pov. Yesterday at Art Biesenthal talking to Virginia, I felt very acutely that she was someone that illustrates certain qualities that I want to distance myself from. Architecture research theory has very little relevance outside of a very narrow field. Art is better, but relies a lot on narcissism, self-promotion and club culture (at least in Berlin). Perhaps it's not the case for everyone, but it is very dominant here.
Going through certain magazines, in particular Kaleidoscope, it seems to me that the creative world which produces and reinforces current culture (from mega-superstar cult figures like Kanye to Balenciaga to more arty-niche entities like Anonymous Club or Anne Imhof) are within a (relatively) tiny circle of people. It's fascinating to be in such close proximity to it... as it was of course to be in proximity to the likes of Eva Franch and Beatriz Colomina in the architecture world, or Olafur Eliasson in Berlin, and now (in a much more direct and at times personal way) with Niklas at sub. It's a really remarkable studio in some ways, but deeply problematic in others. I was deeply enamored with it, but now certain issues become more transparent to me.
In the long term, I'm not sure if I can continue working at Sub. It drains too much of myself. Which is probably the same at Olafur's... even with slightly better working times and infrastructure, I'm sure after another year I would've been as bloodless as the others working there.
What I need to find is the energy, will and motivation to develop something more personal. This is difficult for me. I lack some level of confidence, some obsession toward work. Perhaps it's because I've always adhered so devoutly to the institutions that I am a part of.
