Q&A: No One Decides How Many Chances You Get (Except You)
flowerapplejacks said to howtofightwrite: I have always felt that the phrase âwhatever doesnât kill you makes you strongerâ is not only patently false but harmful and ignorant. It seems to romanticize the concept of pain and suffering always leaving potential for individuals to grow. Often times the reality is completely opposite. Pain cripples and stunts, it doesnât help you grow. What are your thoughts?
So, what is the alternative? Lie in a corner and hide from the world, and hope it all goes away? It wonât. You can roll over and wallow in the pain if you want. Sometimes, you need to. Sometimes, youâve got to nurse your wounds. The problem is you canât lie on the floor forever. In the end, youâre gonna have to get up and figure out what youâre doing next.
You canât stay on the floor.
You shouldnât stay on the floor.
I say this as someone whoâs lived with clinical depression since I was thirteen, Iâve lost most of my family members, lost my dog, broke my leg when I was twelve. Iâve learned from my pain. My mistakes have taught me a lot. I wouldnât be where I am today (or who I am today) without them.
Iâve been in the pit. I climbed out. It took twenty years, but I made it. I wouldnât have, if I was avoiding pain.
One of the truths about life is that itâs painful, often in a variety of different ways. You can learn a lot from pain. You learn about yourself, about your body, about your personal weaknesses. Youâre often stripped of the illusions you had about yourself, about your bravery, about how far youâd go to protect your ideals, about the kind of person you are, which can be damaging all by itself.
What I donât like about the statement âwhat doesnât kill you makes you strongerâ is that itâs passive. It assumes a positive outcome rather than acknowledging the courage, hard work, and emotional toil which often comes with overcoming traumatic incidents, overcoming injuries, or even just getting up to try again after youâve made a mistake. I think what youâve missed is the core message of the statement, which is that if it didnât kill you then you still have the opportunity to make things better, to rectify your mistakes, to be better than you were before. If youâre dead, there are no second chances. Thatâs it. Thatâs the end. Thereâs no more you.
Pain is your bodyâs response to getting hurt, and also for saying, âdonât do that.â Like all natural instincts, itâs not always right. Not all pain is bad for you, and some of it, like the kind you experience from change, is unavoidable. Learning to distinguish between the two is a natural part of living. Learning to distinguish between the pain from a stubbed toe and a major injury is important. Learning to push past the limits your mind has set for you, thatâs important. Itâs just like learning to ignore or push past your fear when itâs standing in the way of what you want. Just because youâre afraid doesnât mean you should be. You need to learn which fears are valid, and which are standing in your way.
My feelings on pain are very simple. Pain is one of lifeâs constants. You will experience a lot of different kinds of pain throughout your life. Emotional pain, pain from fear, from disappointment, from rejection, from loss, from embarrassment, from change, from growing up, from your memories of past, painful experiences. Youâll experience physical pain from injuries major to minor, you could break your leg, you could bump your head, or just walk into a door. You experience low-grade pain from working out. Your stomach hurts when youâre hungry. Youâre gonna feel pain from stubbing your toe. Getting hurt is an eventuality.
My approach to pain is the Rafiki quote, âyou can either run from it, or learn from it. So, what are you going to do?â
If I took your advice, that pain should be avoided at all costs because pain is bad, I wouldnât have two functioning legs. I wouldnât have eventually reached acceptance with my fatherâs death, which has taken most of my adult life. I wouldnât have three black belts. I wouldnât have gone to college. I wouldnât run a successful blog while also managing clinical depression. Hell, I wouldnât be managing my depression. My depression would be managing me.
When I was twelve, I fractured my tibia (the big bone in your leg) doing martial arts and I needed to get surgery. The break itself was incredibly painful, yes, but so was the recovery. Learning to use crutches was painful, I made mistakes and those mistakes hurt. Every day, I had to work on stretching my leg and performing exercises to keep the musculature up in my leg. I had to learn, among other things, to navigate a world not designed for people with physical disabilities. I had to learn to deal with my situation when my circumstances were no longer novel to my friends, when they didnât help anymore. I had to learn to deal with the stares and curiosity, and even bullying.
However, I learned from it. I learned how to open doors while in a wheelchair when there was no one around to do it for me. I learned how to navigate and get to my classes on time. I learned how to get around on one leg with just my own internal balance. I learned how to handle classmates who hid my crutches. I learned how to get into a house that had only stairway access. I learned how to take showers without getting an infection. I learned how to not just live with my broken leg, but thrive with it while I worked toward recovery. I had school counselors whoâd tell me the story, years later, about how they were so impressed with how I figured out how to open my junior highâs heavy, double doors in my wheelchair. And do you know why I figured it out? I couldnât sit around waiting for someone else to do it for me.
Yes, pain hurts. Pain can be uncomfortable. Pain can be horrible. Crippling? Only you really get to decide that. Stunted? Again, being emotionally stunted is something you can address.
Youâre going to get hurt no matter what you do, even if you spend your life trying to avoid it. The act of learning⊠anything, really, is painful. Youâre going to make mistakes, and making mistakes can be painful. Itâs also unavoidable. Life is short. Youâre going to get thrown by the horse while learning to ride, and I say that having been thrown by many horses. Youâre going to lose people you care about. Youâre going to face rejection. Youâre going to be disappointed. Youâre going to fail. Youâre going to fall down. Youâre going to get injured. Youâll face setbacks.
However, that pain can help you develop resilience. You can develop emotional strength, and the courage to face what youâre afraid of. When you encounter setbacks, you learn how to push past disappointment. You realize the pain isnât as big a hurdle as you thought, that you are tougher than you previously believed.
When you get knocked down, you have two choices. You either get back up or you stay down. And, you know? Some people do choose to stay down. Some people choose to wallow. Some people never try again. Some people need time before theyâre ready. Getting back up isnât always easy, but the more you do it the easier it becomes.
No one ever gets to tell you how many chances you get.
The question of what you do after the pain occurs is what matters. Just because you got hurt doesnât mean you should give up. Maybe you should take a step back and reassess before trying again, but you should, probably, try again.
I broke my leg trying to do a tornado kick. Now? I can do a tornado kick. I could have given up, but I didnât. I could have avoided dealing with my fatherâs death, I could have run from it and there were certainly points where it felt like Iâd never feel anything again, but now I get to celebrate his memory.
Pain is a learning experience, but what you learn from it is up to you. Youâll experience so many different kinds of pain. Youâll learn to distinguish the good from the bad and the mild or middling from the terrible. Hurting yourself more to get better might feel like an oxymoron, but, sometimes, you need to.
Celebration of survival isnât irresponsible. Sometimes, the simple act of existing requires courage. Courage deserves recognition. If youâre bothered by someone saying, âwhat doesnât kill you makes you strongerâ then you might not have come out the other side yet. You might not be ready to celebrate how your experiences and what youâve gone through have made you the person you are. In the end, itâs not really any different than saying, âyou know, we went through some rough and tumble times but we made it!â
Do you stop playing on the jungle gym because you bashed your funny bone? Probably not, but you might be a little more circumspect about where you put your elbows.
This blog is supported through Patreon. If you enjoy our content, please consider becoming a Patron. Every contribution helps keep us online, and writing. If you already are a Patron, thank you.
Q&A: No One Decides How Many Chances You Get (Except You) was originally published on How to Fight Write.
turnnoffyourmind
romaincrisis
theartofmadeline
snowghoul
baratheonpilled
