no longer hiding in the woods

Outdoorsy lady. 30 something. AZ➡️NM➡️WA➡️VA➡️AZ

[roughentumble]

my friend just told me that there's a secret second dashboard that solely contains posts from people you've turned on post notifications for, and when i click the link in the messages it opens it within the tumblr app, so the tumblr app also has a secret second dashboard for post notification blogs, and the only way to access it is to open the link for it within the app.

i literally love tumblr

[thulium]

What the hell tumblr.

[misscrazyfangirl321]

Being an adult will have you unironically craving a vegetable

[misscrazyfangirl321]

Being an adult will have you unironically sad about a parasite outbreak in fresh vegetables.

[flowers-justbecause]

We survived work. We’re getting better at lap sitting. I have GOT to get her to stay in the car bed. That’s a Thursday problem.

Also. We have solid poop! So yay there.

[flowers-justbecause]

She’s been in the car before with me, but in a bed/seat. She apparently doesn’t totally understand how lap sitting works.

She got her second parvo vax today.

Vet doesn’t think the diarrhea is parvo based on how much energy she has and how hungry she is. Stool sample test pending. We have pumpkin and probiotics on deck.

She does have a bit of an ear infection - thankfully I saw the weird gunk in her ears earlier this afternoon and had them check. We have meds for that now.

I think they trimmed some of her nails while they had her in the back because she TORE UP my thighs on the way home.

She’s snoozing now. Twas a big day.

Tomorrow will also be a big day. Ben flies out to Florida for work, so she continues puppy quarantine but will also be socializing at the office. I’ve got a playpen and two baby gates to keep her contained 🤞🏻

We have an extra kennel (ugh it’s so big) that I’ll throw in the car as backup if I have problems.

Wish me luck 😬🙃

[flowers-justbecause]

She’s been super sleepy today and refusing to eat any kibble (she is eating wet food). We thought maybe it was just growth spurt and tooth pain.

We gave her a bath. And then she nap trapped me for an hour and a half 🥹

Ben took her outside once she finally woke up and she was “spurting diarrhea” apparently.

Texted the vet. She’s now on boiled chicken and rice for the time being, doctor’s orders. Poor bb.

[flowers-justbecause]

More pepper puppy life. She crazy. But also! Doing super well with training!! See aggressive eye contact and sitting for kibble below 😂

[flowers-justbecause]

Probably gonna be Pepper. Cause she is a SPICYYYY girl.

[loth-caatgirl]

[flowers-justbecause]

Issa baby puppyyyyyy!!!!

[flowers-justbecause]

EMDR/TMS/Ketamine

(little IVF break!)

so. life mental health update because I had a big therapy breakthrough yesterday.

EMDR------------

I've been doing EMDR for the last... year and half?? Trying to work through all the Matt/Jeremy trauma before new bb. We worked through most of my childhood stuff and are finally getting into the BIIIIIIIIIG Matt stuff (anyone remember 2014 when he tried to jump off the cruise ship while drunk on our honeymoon cruise in Italy????).

Working through a lot of that has caused some old behavior patterns and triggers to resurface. Mainly the "I can't trust my judgment" negative cognition. It's made things with Ben a little more difficult (oh my GOD I just want to have sex but I keep having meltdowns).

TMS-----

So, my psych pissed me off the for fourth time and I decided I was done with her. Below are the messages from the second time she upset me. Which was after I'd asked her multiple times to please update my name when she sends the scripts. The third time was when I was trying to pin down when in FET transfer we needed to change my meds and she called me knowing 12 days after implantation "insider knowledge" and to wait until 6 weeks for a "viable pregnancy" was the third strike.

So, I decided to move to a medical group that one of my good friends uses for med management, which is also where Ben went for TMS/ketamine to treat his depression 5 years ago. I mentioned I wanted to get off zoloft eventually, and that got me into TMS. So! magnet hat 5 days/week for 6-7 weeks. Doing depression and anxiety protocol with some "cognitive" protocol thrown in too to maybe help with the ADHD.

KETAMINE-

I was originally going to skip ketamine because of the whole IVF thing. BUT. My EMDR therapist mentioned how helpful it was for EMDR and trauma processing, so I thought it actually might be helpful for that. I won't be able to do it while pregnant or nursing, so it's delay IVF stuff for A MONTH or wait like two years.

So! I did my first two treatments already - Saturday and Yesterday. I have four more schedule. Friday this week, then M/W/F next week. Hopefully this can help me move through all the trauma processing with more ease!! My poor vein on my left arm is really going through the ringer with all the IVs and blood draws this year 😢

Therapy breakthrough------

"I can't trust my judgment" has been the big through-line on a lot of my triggers. In EMDR processing yesterday, I realized that not trusting my judgment might not actually be the problem. The underlying problem is that I didn't feel safe in so many (read: probably ALL) of the big traumatic moments. If I kept myself ALIVE during those crazy situations, then judgment was never the problem. My actual sense of safety is the problem.

SO. Now I get to go through all my past triggers to figure out how many of them were actual judgment issues and how many was my nervous system just feeling extremely unsafe and threatened!!!!

[flowers-justbecause]

My middle sister’s childhood best friend. Who grew up 2 houses down from us. Who was basically my third sister… died a few days ago. Presumably of a heroin overdose. She got into it in her late teens. She did manage to get out. She made it through her 20s. But recently some people from her past resurfaced. She was 33. She was living with her younger sister - who was the one that found her.

Left is…. Maybe 2001? Right is in April 2003

Sometime between 2004-2008.

My high school graduation - May 2008

Sister’s high school graduation - May 2011

Summer 2017 - Long Beach, WA

I’ve been looking for photos with her for the gathering they’re having next week. It’s so funny- I have no albums or scrapbook pages dedicated to her. She’s just there… in school dance photos, graduation photos, family photos… deeply intwined with our family.

Once she turned 18, I rarely saw her. She avoided family/friend gatherings. We (whole family, OLUS MATT) were at Easter brunch in 2013 at their house the day before our wedding. That’s how connected our families were.

I last saw her in 2017. They were staying in Cannon Beach and came up to see us. She was quiet. She was such a crazy vibrant kid, and the change as she grew up was so sad. You can see it in the photos between 2004 and 2008.

[flowers-justbecause]

Some days, in the year 2026, we go on adventures to the office to print checks. PAPER. CHECKS. IN TWENTY TWENTY-SIX.

[flowers-justbecause]

I do regret to inform you all… if you’ve seen the *hack* about how to keep yourself from sitting like a gremlin while you work, putting a resistance band around your thighs DOES HELP. And does make sitting in a chair like a normal human tolerable. It’s wild.

[flowers-justbecause]

I accidentally got peanut m&ms from the bulk section at Winco instead of peanut butter m&ms. I am trying so hard not to be dramatic about how incorrect they are.

[flowers-justbecause]

I have big plans for this yard. Big plans.

I just need it to not be hot as balls most of the time to accomplish them.

Gotta plant some trees. Make some planter beds. Build a cute pony wall to reclaim the yard and make it safe for kids/dogs.

I can’t wait for it to be GREEEEEEEEEEN and not stupid gravel. I hate the gravel so much.

[flowers-justbecause]

Egg retrieval happening Wednesday morning! I am so tired.

Trigger shot tonight.

Did I mention I’m tired? Cause I’m tired.

[flowers-justbecause]

TWENTY ONE EGGS THIS TIME. 8 were very immature. But 13 is basically double the 7 from last time.

🤞🏻we end up with enough normal embryos after genetic testing and can implant soon!!!!!

[flowers-justbecause]

9 egg fertilized!

[flowers-justbecause]

4 made it to blast and are getting genetic tested.

Absolutely wild that this round was 21>9>4

(Last round was 7>6>4)

[derinthescarletpescatarian]