sometimes i still miss you. most of the time, the thought of talking to you again, i cant stomach. i hate what you did to me, and how i had to come to that realization. you dont even know me intimately enough to know that id write this, or even where to find it. you never learned me enough to.
thats okay. time moves on, and you didnt love me. you always made it seem like it'd be easy to move on for you. maybe it is. maybe you never cared. that's okay.
i loved you so dearly. i wonder if it ever moved you. if it mattered. i try to be kind, but i wonder if it matters. if others absorb it; if it echoes in them with meaning, too. i cant crack open someones mind and read their thoughts. i've never been able to. maybe that's why i study it. maybe that's why i was so intrigued. so close to the surface, but never quite there. never comfortable enough to reveal.
i'm always bleeding aloud. i always let others know when i'm in pain. not to suffocate, or take, but to live in the company of comfort. because i need it sometimes. it's human to cry. i am utterly human.
i think i'm curious by those who seek to separate themselves of their humanity. in a way it brings comfort. like maybe i dont have to face myself, too, with facing them so intimately.
there's something so sacred, so vulnerable about it. sharing with another. committing to another. yet i wish to experience it. i think i'd savor it so much i'd forget its only a blip in time. and one day it'll be gone. i'll be gone. they'll be gone, and "life will move on."
i think i'm scared of the end. i think my intrigue of people so scared of themselves stems from my own fear. but to be with someone who accepts life so easily, who knows that it'll end one day, and wants to hold my hand until the end of it. well, that'll do me in, i think. i think i'd wither away. i'd wilt at the end. i wont burn, or sink, or scream; i'd feel it all beneath my skin as i turn into dust and then into air.
i'm scared of the end. but the end is inevitable. and will i want to keep going forward without love?
i don't know if others feel it when i give. i think i try to coax people like that into feeling it. into easing them out of fear, so that we can be scared together, and walk through it beside one another. someone who also knows, just how devastating life is when loss follows. someone who chooses to walk into the fear, beside me. tense, bracing for the end.
i'm not soft. i'm sharp, and bold, and brazen, and courageous. i've toughened through life, and then reached into my soul, and found the tenderness. and then i realized i am all of it, all the time. i am tough and soft and tender and angry and bold and brazen and forged from fire but calm as the earth. i am blunt and kind and honest hearted and sensitive and cruel and cold. i am all of it at once. i am who i built, and who ive been born. i wasnt nestled in a cocoon. i was thrown into life, and forced to stand. i modeled myself after a woman who's fear steered her forward in life; brazenly. boldly. sharply. a woman who suffered, and had to stand, too. i am my mother, and i am the seed. and i am my soul. and i know, one day, this body of mine will decay. i hope, with all of my heart, i reached him, somehow, too. all of them. all whom i loved. i hope, in the end, it all mattered.
