🧿🧿🧿🧿

[flowerzages]

im sitting on campus, just finished lecture 4 right before my midterm. tomorrow im going to meet with my tutor again to go over the concepts. im not letting statistics get the best of me again. last semester, i let a man steer me off my path when i have so much ahead of me. 4 days ago, he sent an apology -- almost 5 months after what had happened. the apology was half-assed. it was hardly a real one. and it ultimately felt like it was baiting me back into connection with him, so that he may extract more from me. he's an empty person. he has no idea im going to be in his city again in less than a month. he has no idea im going to be doing my masters there. he has no idea the beauty that blossomed without him, and the new direction ive found; a renewed sense of self. i am the black sheep and the bread winner. my strength is monumental. i will make ripples in my lifetime. i looked at his sad message, and deleted it. ive spent too much time waiting on apologies that never came. he's the only ex who's ever sent me one, and maybe within that should say something. but he was also the most abusive and craziest of them all. and he taught me a deep lesson of embracing and putting myself first above all; selfishly. or i will perish. i want to live. i want to LIVE my life. this life belongs to me. and so thank you, guillermo. thank you for teaching me the value of myself. thank you for teaching me selfishness. thank you for teaching me to run. i know you loved me too. and perhaps, you're right, in another lifetime it would have gone differently. gracias papi, por la leccion de mi vida. you were a good teacher in this life. and i wish you well too. i wish you inner peace. i wish you healing. my strength emerged like a spear bursting from the earth, and i persevered without you. without anyone. i'd been made of gold and simmer this entire time. no, you cannot enter my sphere again. the door will forever be locked to you.

[flowerzages]

1:11 now

[flowerzages]

You have the same color; the same ridges. The same shape. My soul is the same color.

[flowerzages]

That is the color of my soul.

[flowerzages]

I FOUND DISCOVERY

[flowerzages]

i want to be seen. i want to be seen, and marvelled at my whimsy. how strange and obscene i am. how funny and peculiar i am. how shameless, and beautiful and timeless i am. how wild and untamed and lionhearted i am. how i crawl out of the dirt and ash that many tried to bury me under, and still cackle on my broomstick under the moon. a funny little witch of a woman. i carry pixie dust in my pockets, and butterfly eye lashes on my cheeks. i dance to drums only heard by those tapped into the rhythm of the earth. subtle, but so rich. i heal galaxies in my womb, and hear angels in my sleep. i am a daughter of aphrodite; free and feral and utterly divine.

[flowerzages]

shame no longer aligns. it stops in its tracks; hushes me from pushing. it's only meaning is to root one's spirit to pain; chain it to stone, and drag along something passed by another. long gone are the days of inner dwellings and looking for the why within destruction. there is no why. not a why i could comprehend. and how blissful is the ignorance that does not understand evil.

[flowerzages]

words words words words

[flowerzages]

i wonder if you hate me. hate me and love me. love and hate me. i wonder if you hate me, because i'm not sure you love me.

i wonder if you hate me, because you never tell me i'm beautiful. i wonder if you hate me, because you never say you're proud. i wonder if you hate me, even if you love me. even if you care for me. even if my eyes are warm tiger stone, and you love the way sun bounces from my skin. even if you touch me tenderly, and weave your fingers between my toes and squeeze my foot. i wonder if you hate me, when you slap me a little too hard, and kiss my ear in the middle of the night. i wonder if you hate me, when tears well in your eyes, and you know its the last time we'll see each other. i wonder if you hate me, when we sat in traffic, and time slowed down and ruined your plans. i wonder if you hate me, when i sat in your lap, and i leaned my head against yours. i wonder if you hate me, when we watched that movie, and i wanted to hold you. i wonder if you hate me, when you burrowed your nose in my hair and inhaled. i wonder if you hated me then. and how much you did.

[flowerzages]

i fear i look younger without you.

[flowerzages]

when i say love is never wasted, i don't mean that love always reaches. sometimes love wavers, stills, and stops as far as the wind can carry. sometimes it throws itself into open palms, and slips through fingers unready to catch, and back into the earth. sometimes love can't translate; doesn't weave through language. doesn't transcend into human meaning, and never is understood by the other. only an echo, that bounces back to its caller.

and sometimes love travels in time, doesn't quite land until it's too late, and wills are written in favor of daughters never quite acknowledged until a father meets death in a dark corridor, and he discovers that fear is as black as it's eyes. when he realizes that love waited patiently, and the peak of a thrill never quite compares to that warm coffee, or fresh linen. that ever present creak in the sofa, and the cushion that always caught their weight.

i resent love then. can't help but hate the ignorance that throws it away because it doesn't sparkle. but its the human peculiarity; to seek its womb when life grows cold, and to crave the comfort of a mother. a mother; unconditional and ever-present and always forgiving. a stature of honor, and utter grievance; an empty kingdom that nails its queen to the throne. you are to blame for it all. and to praise. but to blame, first, always.

[flowerzages]

I'm 29 now.

I did everything I was supposed to. It's been years of coming to grips with it. I was never meant to be seen in this family. As much as I fought, and as much as I've tried to push forward. As much as I've bled and scarred over the process, it was never meant to be something other than what it was. And I chased it ruthlessly. In the one's who'd given me that pain, and to others who mimicked it.

Today I live in my new apartment. Still with roommates, but with more conviction. This is my last pit stop until I move onto something else. And maybe Texas won't work out. Maybe this is an opening to another path that will eventually lead me to something else entirely. But I'm going to try anyway. Not for a relationship. Not for family. But for myself; for my own simple curiosity. My own ignition built and lit up by only me. I do this because I want to this time.

Love has led me there multiple times. Curiosity of the person I fell for. Felt so much things for. I don't do any of this for them. I do this for myself only.

Against my mother, my grandmother, my brother, my uncle, and anyone who wishes to stifle my own light. I do this because I crave my own freedom. I crave a beautiful life. A life I can build for myself and myself alone.

I want to feel beautiful and SAFE. I want to be free to be myself. Not angry. Not resentful. Not being held back by my parents childish decisions. Not because I'm fighting anyone. I fight for only myself and my own autonomy and spirit. I let go of everything else.

I went through so many scary things on my own already. Health scares, surgeries, losses, family traumas. Being hurt and hurt again. Having my own family trying to quiet my own voice..

There's nothing wrong with my voice. There's nothing wrong with my strength. I am a result of the freedom I've been privileged in this country. I am the result of the education I've sought on my own. I am a result of the pain and trauma and understanding why others do what they do. And no, it has never and will never be my fault for what the adults in my life had failed to protect me from. But it won't define me. I won't carry it forward into my own life, or my children's life. I will pursue my own happiness. Life is within me, and I will create it whenever and however I please. This is my ultimate power as a woman.

[flowerzages]

sometimes i still miss you. most of the time, the thought of talking to you again, i cant stomach. i hate what you did to me, and how i had to come to that realization. you dont even know me intimately enough to know that id write this, or even where to find it. you never learned me enough to.

thats okay. time moves on, and you didnt love me. you always made it seem like it'd be easy to move on for you. maybe it is. maybe you never cared. that's okay.

i loved you so dearly. i wonder if it ever moved you. if it mattered. i try to be kind, but i wonder if it matters. if others absorb it; if it echoes in them with meaning, too. i cant crack open someones mind and read their thoughts. i've never been able to. maybe that's why i study it. maybe that's why i was so intrigued. so close to the surface, but never quite there. never comfortable enough to reveal.

i'm always bleeding aloud. i always let others know when i'm in pain. not to suffocate, or take, but to live in the company of comfort. because i need it sometimes. it's human to cry. i am utterly human.

i think i'm curious by those who seek to separate themselves of their humanity. in a way it brings comfort. like maybe i dont have to face myself, too, with facing them so intimately.

there's something so sacred, so vulnerable about it. sharing with another. committing to another. yet i wish to experience it. i think i'd savor it so much i'd forget its only a blip in time. and one day it'll be gone. i'll be gone. they'll be gone, and "life will move on."

i think i'm scared of the end. i think my intrigue of people so scared of themselves stems from my own fear. but to be with someone who accepts life so easily, who knows that it'll end one day, and wants to hold my hand until the end of it. well, that'll do me in, i think. i think i'd wither away. i'd wilt at the end. i wont burn, or sink, or scream; i'd feel it all beneath my skin as i turn into dust and then into air.

i'm scared of the end. but the end is inevitable. and will i want to keep going forward without love?

i don't know if others feel it when i give. i think i try to coax people like that into feeling it. into easing them out of fear, so that we can be scared together, and walk through it beside one another. someone who also knows, just how devastating life is when loss follows. someone who chooses to walk into the fear, beside me. tense, bracing for the end.

i'm not soft. i'm sharp, and bold, and brazen, and courageous. i've toughened through life, and then reached into my soul, and found the tenderness. and then i realized i am all of it, all the time. i am tough and soft and tender and angry and bold and brazen and forged from fire but calm as the earth. i am blunt and kind and honest hearted and sensitive and cruel and cold. i am all of it at once. i am who i built, and who ive been born. i wasnt nestled in a cocoon. i was thrown into life, and forced to stand. i modeled myself after a woman who's fear steered her forward in life; brazenly. boldly. sharply. a woman who suffered, and had to stand, too. i am my mother, and i am the seed. and i am my soul. and i know, one day, this body of mine will decay. i hope, with all of my heart, i reached him, somehow, too. all of them. all whom i loved. i hope, in the end, it all mattered.

[flowerzages]

i'm scrambling to find my worth again. shards, broken glass--it hurts to piece it back together. but my fingers can't help but reach for sharpened ridges. the pain means it was real. the pain means it mattered. did it matter to you too?

[flowerzages]

i loved him. god i loved him. i loved him. i love him. i loved him. i loved him so much

[flowerzages]

so fun facts. i've definitely dove into the deep end in the real world and got my feelings super seriously deriously hurt lol. guess thats the effect of a straight man. either way, i realize i need a place to put my feelings as i sort through everything. back in therapy after approx......lol. 5 years. safe to say my therapist was happy to see me after so long. some things stay the same. some things never change.

[flowerzages]

Oh wow. I'm surprised my account still remembers my login lol.