these years

So far 2015-2019. Welcome to my twenties, it's a shit show but I hope to remember all of it.

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May 29, 2019

Came to Montreal for a steamé. 

CW: ED Recovery

Let me just get real for a second. A big reason why I am not as active on here as I used to be is because I began ED recovery about 2.5 years ago and I just want you to know that it was worth it. 

Here’s me, completely enjoying a food I never allowed myself to have a few years ago. I enjoyed this moment for several reasons:

1. I love Montreal, it’s a beautiful city and I have many precious memories here.  2. I was with one of my closest friends, and this was right after a concert we both loved. 3. A steamé is the best way to eat a hotdog. 

And you know what? Not one thought was on my body. On what I’d need to do to “make up” for enjoying a hotdog. On where this hotdog would “go” on my body once I finished eating. On how bad a person enjoying it made me. Recovery is on the shortlist for hardest things I’ve ever done, and possibly will ever do. For me, it’s a daily decision to choose life, to choose myself, to choose my loved ones, to choose joy, and freedom. Hard, yes. Worth it, absolutely. 

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January 20, 2019

Things are different now. The world doesn’t feel so loud, when I walk I can hear my footsteps, feel the air make way for me, see the sun or the clouds or whatever it is that day falling down to me. I pay attention to where my footsteps fall, I notice how swinging my arms this way or that changes the way the air holds me, I look for the sun or the clouds or whatever it is to fall and I look up. 

Since you’ve been with me everything is different. I can hear my footsteps, tripping to match yours when we walk, and laughing with you when I finally do. I can feel the way the air parts around us, preserving the space we make up together. I can see the sun or the clouds or whatever it is today falling, just as I am, just as you are.

I don’t want to forget what the world is like when I’m not paying attention. I don’t want to forget who I am when I’m not paying attention. I don’t want to miss who you are because I didn’t pay attention. 

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June 15, 2018

I have so many photos from this day with everyone I could possibly care about. My mom, my sister, my friends, my partner, and those who weren’t physically with me but I know are still proud of what this day means for me. All of those photos, and this one I post because of everyone who helped me get here, with their support, in believing in me when I was struggling, in encouraging me, for all the help I had in getting to this moment, I can’t forget that when they called my name to say I had graduated, it was just me who walked across the stage. 

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March 25, 2018

I am late! As usual. I have experienced a lifetime it seems, in just a few months. This photo was taken after I presented at my first conference. You know the feeling when you forget how to breathe and can’t believe you’ve been doing it without thinking for your whole life, and somehow still can’t remember? 

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January 3, 2018 Ottawa, Ontario

Some resolutions, to keep me accountable:

- drink more water - spend less, give more (time, energy, $$) - be kind - procrastinate less - write more (letters, entries, posts) - be grateful - regulate my sleep schedule - be more active  - love more

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December 15, 2017 Ottawa, Ontario I love how different it is this year.

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November 8, 2017 7:56 pm Ottawa, Ontario It’s only Wednesday.

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October 28, 2017 Ottawa, Ontario Better braver

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October 23, 2017 9:29 am Ottawa, Ontario I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend.

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October 14, 2017 Ottawa, Ontario I’m here and you’re not I’m here and you’re not I’m here and you’re not

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September 23, 2017 6:12 pm Ottawa, Ontario My best self

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September 20, 2017 9:51 pm Ottawa, Ontario Don't be sorry. Be better.

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September 11, 2017 9:07 pm (photo from 10:17 am) Ottawa, Ontario Sun can't shine every day.

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September 9, 2017 (photo from 11:54 am) Ottawa, Ontario I have decided to do this a little differently. Not daily, because isn't that forced? I want this to be as natural as can be, and I want to enjoy doing it again. So you'll see me less often, but still regularly in some way.

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September 7, 2017 11:19 pm (photo from 6:40 pm) Ottawa, Ontario Between the sun and rain and sun again

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September 6, 2017 (late) Ottawa, Ontario Last first day of my undergrad

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September 5, 2017 (late) Ottawa, Ontario Be your best/do your best