realisations
I thought coming back to adelaide this weekend was a great idea and I’d have a good time but instead I feel like shit. —— I’m currently interning in brisbane over the summer and have been for three weeks now. last saturday night, I was at a party hosted by someone I’d known for two weeks, with about 30 others I’d known for no longer, being hit on by a cute boy, watching drinking games, and generally having a great time. if I was going to that same party but back at home, mum wouldn’t have wanted me to take a 6 pack, and would’ve been concerned about me ubering there, and dad would’ve made some patronising comment about being safe. and I probably wouldn’t want to a) drink as much and b) pursue the boy due to them. I didn’t end up doing either but it was SO liberating to have the choice this time. since then, they have come up and visited me during the week (for my birthday + making sure i’ve settled in). i’d facetimed a fair bit with them prior, with mum mostly just fussing over me rather than having an actual conversation. it was nice to see them in person but it was also awkward at times, with one night ending with them seeming offended but me not knowing why. it was one of those things were they insisted on visiting and I knew they’d be offended if I said no, but ultimately I’d rather have waited to just visit them back home. my little life in brisbane was just that — mine. outside work, I can do whatever I want when I want, and my roommate is rad, and everything is great. if I want time alone, I get it. whereas at home, I’ll be plugged in with earphones but still interrupted, or going to bed early (to get some time alone) prompts concerned questions and knocks at my bedroom door. so I visited home this weekend and a funny thing happened. I went to a dinner for my university cohort on friday night, where I just wanted to hang with the people in my year level. instead, everyone was enthusiastically interested in asking me how my internship was going. at first I enjoyed saying what a good time I’m having, but it quickly got tired and I just felt like I was bragging. the attention from my peers felt nice though, and it was good to see everyone one last time. then saturday night I caught up with some close friends for my belated birthday. people I wanted to talk about my new life with, but no-one cared. it was a nice enough catch-up but some were on their phones or just looking plain bored and it made me feel like I shouldn’t have bothered coming back at all. while there were no birthday festivities, it still felt like it should’ve been treated as more of an occassion than it was. I love these friends, especially since others I have made during uni have either never come close to what I have with them, or the people in question have moved away. maybe they were having an off night but the group of us doing this internship together in brisbane, who I was hanging out with exactly a week ago, seem to currently bring me more joy and comfort than any of my family and friends at home do, and that makes me really sad.
















