Walk Like Thunder @folkinpunk - Tumblr Blog

i'm ven

nothing to say here

any pronouns

late 20's early 30's

reading and self isolating

anons off due to meanie weenies, antisocial, depressed. got the sneepy weepys.

crafts and things i love. i guess.

#would kill for my badges back #lore lover come back #scorpio come back #however i feel unattached a thought in my head says abandon the idea of this account before i even get started because i'll only leave again #sigh.

an embarrassing amount of sense 😅

when my friends. all. ughhh. all of them!!! all of them!!! come to the same conclusion, the same comforts, ughhh 😭😭😭

#like ohhhh this makes a lot of sense.

i don't think i've ever abused my back like this

win after win and why am i like this

sometimes the (diary) page is just a praise at being right all along 😭😭😭😭😭

you either die innocent or live long enough to see the patterns and traits they were warning you that [removed] did in them themself

#you go from being the scapegoat to seeing it on another perspective #and ur like man it sucked being the scapegoat. but it would suck even more if i stuck around and let myself be your scapegoat lmaoo #mf yikes

all i do is waste the days thinking of what i could say

#🥰

i wisb i could talk to you every day 💕💞💕

be the first person in history that self un diagnoses themselves like w the confidence of self diagnosing 😭😭

#i heard about bipolar for the first time at like 19 or 20 in regards to possibly having it #and before that i remember hearing the comparisons to my uncle who had manic depression and osdd #i just remember nodding along and ignoring it every time #i mean by the time i heard a doctor say it i had a lifetime of my family-#i toned them out naturally 😭#diagnosed at 28 🙄- well #properly and accepting it.#hearing the symptom diagnosis things is.#the same sort of thing but different #it's more like ocd lmao i wanted to convince myself i didn't have it but the alternative was worse 💀#that was more of my “i'm worse than i am”#not “i'm sicker than they say” btw just that i think i'm evil or not sick enough for blah blah blah

that ppl being ableist against my autism wasnt proof i was worth lesser 😒😒😒 but like. 😔😔

whenever someone i know likes something that i normally describe disrespectfully i'm like oop 🥺👉👈 I meant it but everyone's opinions are valid

#😅#safe example is vintage story #i know ppl who won't even try it bc i called it a minecraft knockoff for so long LMAO I'M SORRY </3 #but like idk it actually was was it not HAGAJS #they liked this terraria minecraft mod but not it's limitations so they made a game i thought #😭 u just can't be rude when describing shit LMAO #tho the unsafe case isn't that bad like it's not a ripoff i'm just a hater because they have the worst fandom in late history it's insane??#my friends have been the reasonable ones 😭🫰✌️

when i try to explain it's just the world trying to convince me that i'm not lesser, and i'm told or, it's the people in my life meeting me and genuinely all treating me like an equal, and i know they're like that with each other, i know, i know, i know, but you don't understand what it's like to be the anomaly. you don't understand that i'm just not- i stay in therapy, but you're trying to tell me the sky is green- but you're not- you're not telling me the world is doing anything, youre telling me that people who met me decided i was worth enough, worth help and love and "to be an equal" despite knowing me. it's not the world- a lot of the world can dislike me, a lot do, but it's not the worlds worth that matters, and i know-

it's something about a belief in my own head that only i can convince myself, it's years of positive reinforcement, but you just don't see the truth.

i wish i could see

when you go so long struggling with obscure random theories for why you are the way you are

and you're finally told it's survivors guilt and imposter syndrome and something something cognitive dissonance and you don't understand at all because no one ideally died for you to be here your brother who was given your college fund over you so he can go be an aerospace mechanic couldn't move out bc he had to take care of mom and dad after you escaped AND you didn't achieve anything you're not feeling secretly incompetent you know you are perfectly competent at everything you do if you just take the time to learn it at least to the basic abilities of AT LEAST a normal human being but apperantly you're overachieving and everyone feels insecure AND it's not a difference in your thoughts and actions i know and understand i am less than an others and life just hands me the best case scenario for every situation i am at a low point like not mentally but physically ??? i guess ??? in a danger ous ???? hazardous maybe, situation and i am promised great things anyway and i fucking am such a failure but so happy to be with my family and i am fucked up so fucked up so fucked up none of those are right none of those i've done research there just can't be a name for this i don't think anyone could understand

if you privately asked anyone who knew me? they could tell you. i don't deserve any of it. i don't. i don't deserve it. they could probably tell you all the reasons why i don't deserve it.

i am so undeserving. so undeserving of such a perfect life. it's not even perfect. something bad happened, this is bad, isn't it?

so why is there only good coming of it?

the craziest things always happen at the craziest times

but you're not special. and you fell into addiction. and hung out with the wrong people. you're not special and you're hated to this point and you know they just want you out and you'll give it to them to make it stop. i've always left. left home. left that game. left tumblr barely. leaving now. i'm only a runner. i'll never face anything. but i don't have anything to face. i'm doing the right thing now. i'm sober now. maybe i'll be great again. all because i'm not special, and i want to blend into the background, and be free.

it was just luck. luck and luck and luck. or maybe i really was that good before the drugs. maybe i was. maybe i was amazing. so fucking amazing.

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