blurb - Your first days of 2004 become your last four with Joel in New York. The brief time left together is filled with heavy conversations about the future. Together, you confront difficult questions about the paths your lives may take once you part ways.
Word Count: 11.4 k
He would be a liar if he said you didn’t have the most comfortable bed he’d ever slept in.
Joel had the honor of sleeping by your side many times. In fact, he had done so since he was a child. You, he, and Tommy all bundled up in the weak cold months of winter with your legs knocking together, bodies shivering. Each time, you’d lean into Tommy’s arms, face nuzzled into his chest with your back presented straight to Joel’s face.
Twins, his mama would explain to Joel every time you and he ran off somewhere. A sort of not-so-biological connection that existed. He had thought it was stupid; last time he checked, you hadn’t been strolled out in a bassinet as well when Tommy was born.
Yet, it didn’t matter. Because by the middle of the night, you would leave Tommy’s grasp and slip into Joel’s muttering sleepily about how Tommy got sticky-sweaty while Joel was a proper warm. He took those moments and bundled them into his heart.
Joel had a lot of things he kept close to him. Sarah’s birth, cooking with his mama, fixing up the truck with his daddy, learning from Clyde, and fighting with Tommy. But he kept his moments with you in an extra grip, because the time between them was so far apart.
So when he got to sleep in bed with you—sexual or not—he was overwhelmed. Two months without that drained him more than the thirteen years ever had. Maybe a taste of you had gotten him addicted far worse than the pathetic following he did in his youth.
Joel wasn’t plagued by these thoughts constantly. He wasn’t some philosopher pondering his relationship with you—at least, when he was happy. Sometimes, the little connections would pop up in his head, and then he’d brush the threads away like spider webs.
That’s what happened when his eyes were barely able to open. Joel’s face was pressed deep into your pillows—satin, he believed?—with his naked body pressed into the sheets. It was slightly chilly against his skin, to the point where it made him shiver.
No sunlight beamed over his skin. Rather, he could hear the soft beat of snow hitting your windows. There was no warmth except for the center of the bed, which was already escaping him.
He thought for a moment he was back in a dream. His dreams were never easy waters.
Joel was barely able to blink a couple of times, fighting the sleep that weighed on his bones and face. His muscles were taut as he pushed himself up from the bed in a groan. Naturally, his hand reached toward your side, trying to find you and wake you up as well.
Yet, he felt nothing.
That woke him up. Without his glasses, everything was fuzzy. It was even worse with the morning fog hanging around his brain, but he still managed to push himself up and sit sideways.
Your side of the bed was empty, the comforter all bunched completely over his legs. There was no sign of you. Not by the side table, or the dresser—the tray was even gone—or any noise coming from downstairs.
He couldn’t help it; all of this was an exact flashback of Dallas.
When he woke up then, he had the slamming of the door as his wake-up call. He had called your name so many times, yet there was no answer. He was completely alone, left to reel with the fact that he had just had mind-blowing, drunk sex the woman he had been in love with for two decades.
Just like now.
Joel swung his legs over the edge, using the comforter to cover up. His head twisted around, as if you were hiding from him. “Sweetheart…?”
He hated how doubtful his voice sounded, but he couldn’t help it. Had you gone to work, leaving him to pace around your living room until you came back? Had you left in shame again? No, that wouldn’t be the case, because you both had had the most heartfelt conversation on a rooftop. He had just fucked your brains out and came inside you. You wouldn’t have left.
He stood up now, the fabric trailing behind him as he stubbled with tired legs, voice louder this time. “Sweetheart? Where are you?”
Nervous, he headed for the slightly opened door.
But he stopped when the flush of the toilet and the quick rush of water caught his attention.
Maybe it was the fact that relief rushed through his body and relaxed him; he didn’t move. But when he realized that he was buck naked with nothing but his hand and a comforter covering his crotch, his face turned red, and he almost jumped back into bed.
Before he could, however, the bathroom door opened, and there you walked out. You were yawning, hand covering your mouth. One of his shirts—from his dresser downstairs, matter of fact—covered your torso, dipping over your thighs, though he saw the flash of clean panties underneath. Your hair wasn’t kept at all, in its most natural and beautiful form
You spotted him and smiled. That smile. A star-studded, heart-throbbing, mind-blowing smile that made him dizzy. But it faded when you frowned and looked down and morphed into a smirk.
“I didn’t know the lobby provided this type of service.” You teased, leaning against the doorway of the bathroom, legs crossed over each other, “Nude breakfast and all the benefits. I wouldn’t have called this personally, but if it’s you…”
“Oh, this ain’t—this ain’t anythin’.” Joel managed to wrap his legs and tie a knot on his waist, securing the fabric and freeing his hands. “I was just wakin’ up, is all.”
“Hmm… have you been working on your thighs, Miller? They seem bigger than before.”
“I have, actually.” He beamed when you noticed his progress, so much so he didn’t notice you walking toward him. “Pickin’ up shifts to work at sites and also workin’ out gave me a lot more muscle than ‘fore. The kids say it's ‘bulkin’’, but I call it keepin’ healthy—grumph!”
You had kissed him, mouth against his to silence his words. He tasted the minty toothpaste on your tongue as he worked his lips against yours in smooth rhythm. He held the back of your neck and felt your arms lay on his shoulders. He slightly pulled back to speak.
“I didn’t brush my teeth, yet.” The words were against your lips.
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Kinda does. You don’t want to have to wash your mouth ‘gain and—”
“Shut up and kiss me, Joel.”
“Yes ma’am.”
He turned and walked you backwards until the back of your knees hit the edge of the bed and you both fell. Your lips never separated once. The comforter pulled and fell onto the floor as he landed on top of you, but he paid no mind.
All he had was you and him in that moment. There could be a fire that was burning all of New York City down, and he would still find time to kiss you. Nothing mattered except you. There was only you in his eyes.
Your legs lay on either side of his hips. You pecked him over and over, soft smacks against his lips that warmed him up far more than the bed could.
“Did you shower yet?” He asked while still running his mouth up and down your jaw. “You don’t smell like it.”
“Are you saying I stink?” You pushed him back, though he fought back to stay close.
“Never. I’m just sayin’ that gives me less time to lay on you ‘fore you decide you want to clean up.”
“Says the man completely naked on me right now.” You teased. Joel blushed, looking away from your face and his body, but you laughed and pulled him back in. “It’s okay, I like it.”
“You’re only sayin’ that ‘cause we had sex.”
“You know, sex is such a crude word.” You tapped your chin in mock thought, “What about… making love? Or, devils tango? Or—”
“First off, I ain’t sixty.” He traced his hand up and down your warm spine, causing the fabric of your—his—shirt to rise. “Second off, sex ain’t evil. If it was, then we’re the most evil of ‘em all from how I was pressin’ you up ‘gainst the window with my face ‘tween your—”
“See! Crude!” You laughed. Suddenly, you were pushing him to lie on his back, with your hips perched on his. You sat right on top of him, not that he had any issue with it. He liked having his hands back on your hips and your thighs bracing around his stomach. “You should really learn how to watch your language.”
“Says the woman on top of me.”
“Are you complaining?”
Joel looked up at you, thumb running over your panties. “How could I?”
Your eyes softened, and you leaned over him. Your arms found their place around his head as you softly kissed him over and over, lips moving together in harmony. Both your hands roamed and touched, feeling everything that you both had missed.
It was painful to remove his mouth from yours, but he had to. Even though all he wanted to do was stay in bed and forget the world, there were still things he promised to do.
Despite your obvious disappointment—which he found endearing—he still managed to smile.
“Sweetheart, what is this?”
“Us?”
“Yeah. What are we?”
Fingers caught in his hair, you looked at his graying scalp instead of his eyes. “We’re… together again, obviously.”
“Obviously.” He repeated it like either of you knew exactly what it meant. “But what is together? Are we back to bein’ me bein’ your boyfriend? Is this… is this somethin’ you wanna just do for tonight?”
“Never,” You frowned at him. “Ever say that to me again. You are so much more to me than just sex.”
“Crude language.”
“I’m serious, Joel.” Peppering kisses on his nose, you still kept that serious look on your face. “This isn’t Dallas where I pretend this didn’t happen. No, I said we would make this work, and we’re making it work.”
He was thankful for that. He couldn’t have been luckier, even if he tried. “We will. I don’t need an exact title for what we are. Still earnin’ you back—”
“Another thing.” You spoke with such sureness that it felt like he was a subordinate at your office. “I don’t want us to have that dynamic.”
“What dynamic?”
“You know, the one where you’re constantly chasing me and wanting to prove yourself to me. You have proven yourself to me and you’ve done the work. Now, it’s up to both of us to make this work.”
“But I don’t want you to feel as if I did all that and now I’m goin’ to be lazin’ ‘round.”
“When have I ever known you to lazing around?” You questioned with a quirk of your lip. “It’ll just take a bit of time before we’re ready again. And I know our end goal.”
Joel didn’t need you to say it loud for him to know either.
‘Til then…” His arms tightened around you. “Stay for a bit. Wanna sleep in.”
“Joel, I have—”
“Lies, you don’t got work. Michelle herself ain’t gonna be there, so you don’t got to either.”
“I wasn’t going to say that.” You shook your head. “I was going to say… maybe we could—I don’t know if you’re up for it—shower and then eat something. Everything will be closed since it’s New Year’s… but tomorrow we could take a stroll around the city, just you and me?”
“Sounds awfully like a date, sweetheart.”
“A two-day date situation,” You held up the numbers on your fingers in case he couldn’t catch on. “Since we’re landlocked here. And there’s a lot two people could do by themselves.”
Joel swallowed as you rose to your knees, straddling his hips. “Like what?”
“Depends on what we’re feeling like. Movies for hours, could order in some McDonald's—”
“Now that sounds wonderful.”
“—or…” Like the simple creature he was, he watched your nails drag over his chest and down his navel, “...we could listen to your suggestion. Stay in bed a bit longer.”
“I wouldn’t be against that. Reason why I suggested it.” Joel’s hands reached up and through your shirt, feeling your soft torso.
He was about to pull you down when you suddenly swung yourself off, leaving him alone on the bed. Joel covered himself up with both hands, watching with a soft grunt as you strutted back to the bathroom.
Your—his, again—shirt landed on the floor. Your back was exposed to him, revealing the faint bruising of where he had gripped you last night. Over your shoulders, on your waist, deep in your hips. You arched an eyebrow while pushing open the door.
“Are you going to watch or join?”
Joel didn’t need to be told twice.
He got up and followed you. By the time he shut the door behind him, you had already stripped and were turning on the water. Your fingers tested the heat, and you both waited for a second before you slipped through the shower doors.
The water was a steady drum over your skin, cascading down your front. Over the perfect body he couldn’t help admiring. It ran down your neck, over your breasts, dripped over your waist. You ran your hands over yourself in the most ordinary way possible, but it was the sexiest thing he had ever seen.
You giggled when you noticed him not coming in. He closed his mouth. Was he drooling? Joel hoped you hadn’t noticed, but when you opened your own mouth and trailed your finger out of the corner of your lips down, he knew you had.
As quickly as he could, Joel brushed his teeth with his toothbrush and your toothpaste. He had kept an extra pair up here during the nights he had slept in your bed. He had thought it would be a simple thing. Now, it was the most important thing.
Joel spat out this toothpaste and gruggled water. He joined you in the warm spray, his back taking all the water. Before you could say anything, he was already on you, holding you tight and trading soft, slow kisses. You held him through it all, unable to get a proper grip.
But that was fine. Joel could keep you near him without any help.
You suddenly laughed softly against his lips, “It seems like we always shower together, Miller.”
“You complainin’?”
“How could I, especially when you look so good like this?”
“What, wet and naked?”
You put a bit of thought into it, “Yeah, that might be it.”
Joel laughed this time, pecking your lips childishly. He couldn’t get enough of it.
He also couldn’t get enough of how your lips felt on his skin. Pillowy, trailing down his neck and over his collarbone. Joel held the side of your head, refusing to let you go.
Then you went lower.
And lower.
Down his chest and belly and navel, hungry for him in a way he couldn’t keep up.
“Sweetheart, sweetheart,” He tried to dip his head to bring you back up, “Come back to me—”
“But I wanna be down here.”
You were already sinking, knees folding beneath you and your hands sliding down his hips. Joel’s grip on the side of your head tightened for a second. He couldn’t decide whether to haul you back up or just hold on.
“C’mon, baby… you don’t gotta—” His voice came out softer than he meant. Water ran over the places your mouth had just been. “I’d rather have you up here. Don’t need you on your knees for me.”
You looked up at him through the steam, lips already brushing the trail of hair below his navel. “I know you don’t need it. But I want to. Let me take care of you for once.” Your hands stroked slowly up the backs of his thighs. “You were so good to me last night… let me make you feel good too. Please?”
His resolve was crumbling fast, and the way you were looking at him—adoring and a bit wicked—wasn’t helping. It also wasn’t helping that your face was right next to his half-hard cock, looking up at him with the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen.
He exhaled hard through his nose, thumb brushing your wet cheek.
“…Alright,” he muttered, almost shy. “But if your knees start hurtin’, you get up. Deal?”
You smiled against him. “Deal.”
You started slow, testing the waters. Kitten licks that started on his tip and explored the slit right on top. Curiosity about how you could break him pushed you down his shaft, tasting all of him.
Then you had taken him into his mouth, and he knew he had lost.
Lord, he was overwhelmed. The warmth of heated air, constant water, and now your lips wrapped around the base of his cock were going to send him onto a rollercoaster that was too fast. And there wasn’t even anything for him to hold onto; the shower walls far too slippery.
He wasn’t going to last.
He never lasted with you, but it was way worse now.
Your tongue took and took more, tasting, taking your fill. Joel threw his head back, knees suddenly weak and letting out noises he didn’t even know were possible. Your nails were now digging into his thighs, the same ones you had just praised only to claw into.
Joel squeezed his eyes shut, about to moan—
Slap!
He jolted, then groaned when your lips left his cock altogether. You had harshly tapped his thigh. Not enough to hurt, no, but enough to clear up the fog bellowing in his head.
When he looked down, chest heaving, you had a stern look on your face. Your lips were turned downwards into a pout, but he could see the wicked gleam in your eyes. You held a firm grip around him, not letting him go.
“Keep those eyes of yours open, or this stops.”
“I’m tryin’. It’s just been a long time, ‘kay?” He blinked, déjà vu hitting him square over the head.
You giggled, resting your cheek right across his wet thigh. “Doesn’t feel so nice when it's turned onto you, does it?”
The urge to whine was immense, but he kept his cool. “So this is… this is what, payback?”
You hummed, dragging your lips slowly along the thick vein on the underside of his cock. The heat of your mouth and the shower water mixed until he couldn’t tell which was which.
“Maybe a little. You made me work so hard earlier… made me beg.” Your tongue flicked over the head, tasting him, before you pulled back just enough to look up again. Water clung to your lashes. “Figured it was only fair I return the favor.”
Joel’s jaw flexed. “You’re evil, you know that?”
“Mm. And yet you’re still hard as a rock in my hand.” You gave him a slow stroke, and his hips twitched hard against your grip. “Eyes open, Joel. Don’t make me stop.”
He let out a rough breath, forcing his gaze to stay locked on yours even as his brows drew together. Water ran into his eyes; he didn’t bother wiping it away. “Yes, ma’am.”
That earned him a soft laugh.
Then you leaned in and finally took him into your mouth again, sinking until your lips stretched around the thick base. Your tongue dragged along the underside as you started to bob, unhurried and deep.
One hand stayed wrapped around what you couldn’t fit, twisting gently on every upward pull, while the other rested on his thigh, feeling the muscle jump under your palm.
He kept his eyes open for you just like you’d told him. Every time you hollowed your cheeks and sucked harder, a low sound rumbled out of his chest, half-lost in the rush of the shower.
You kept going, and Joel’s control started to fray without him noticing. His hips began to rock forward on their own. Small, instinctive thrusts that pushed him deeper into the wet heat of your mouth.
The first few times he caught himself and tried to still, but the pleasure was too much. Your tongue, the tight seal of your lips, the way you took him so willingly—it pulled more from him than he meant to give.
His hand wrapped around your wet hair. The next thrust went deeper, then even deeper. He was chasing the slick drag of your throat, lost in how good it felt to—
Until you gagged.
The sound snapped him out of it worse than the slap. Joel’s eyes flew wide. He immediately tried to pull back, horror flooding his chest.
“Shit—sweetheart, I’m sorry, I didn’t—”
But you shook your head as best you could with him still on your tongue. The movement was weak, but clear. Your hands stayed on his thighs, holding him there instead of pushing him away.
Permission; clear and quiet.
He’d never done this before, never let himself take your throat like this. The thought alone made his stomach twist with nerves. It felt almost wrong, and so goddamn good he could barely breathe.
But despite those facts, he was now holding your head in place. Then he started to move again.
He kept the first few thrusts shallow, testing, watching your face for any sign of distress. When you only moaned around him and relaxed your throat, something inside him let loose. He pushed deeper, sliding into the fluttering heat of your throat and holding there for a heartbeat before pulling back. Then again. And again. And again.
A broken, awed sound left him. He wasn’t used to this. Wasn’t used to being the center of it all, more willing to give you all the pleasure than to take any for his own. The only time you gave him a blowjob was at his birthday, and that was already a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. Too much for his simple brain, really.
But you were letting him take, encouraging him really. And every time he sank back in, pleasure rolled through him so hard his knees nearly buckled.
Your soft, muffled moans vibrated around his cock, the sound of them only driving him higher. Joel didn’t notice the way one of your hands had slipped between your own thighs, too lost. His own sounds grew into half-moans and half-broken curses spilling out of him between thrusts.
“Fuck… sweetheart—you feel so good. Takin’ me so well… Christ, your throat—”
The pressure built fast, tighter and hotter than he expected. He felt himself tipping over the edge and couldn’t stop it.
“I’m—shit, I’m gonna—” His words dissolved into grateful, breathless muttering. “Thank you… thank you, sweetheart—feels so fuckin’ good—you’re so good to me—”
He kept thrusting through the first thick pulse of his orgasm, then his hips jerked a little too hard. His cock slipped free of your mouth mid-release. Hot ropes of cum striped across your cheek, your lips, the bridge of your nose.
Joel’s eyes flew wide.
“Shit—shit, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—” He kept coming anyway, unable to stop the rest of his load from landing on your face, still apologizing between ragged breaths. “Sweetheart, I didn’t mean to—fuck, I’m sorry—”
But you didn’t pull away. You stayed right there on your knees, eyes open and swallowed in the black of your pupils as he spilled the last of it.
Joel stood frozen, chest heaving, hands still gently cradling your head. Water ran down both of you, diluting the mess on your face, but not too much because his body was covering you from the spray.
For a long moment neither of you spoke.
He just looked at you.
And you looked right back at him.
He broke out of his daze, and nearly tipped over with how gleeful you looked. It didn’t take any strength to lift you, even with how weak he was feeling. Your own legs were like jelly.
Joel kissed you. He didn’t care that he was licking at your sweat or his cum. No, he just needed to let you know how grateful he was for you.
His hands were gentle as he wiped your face clean with warm water and careful thumbs, brushing every streak away until your skin was clear again. You just stood there with that content, goopy little smile, eyes half-lidded and happy, like a cat who’d gotten exactly what it wanted.
Joel let out a breathless, disbelieving laugh against your mouth. “I can’t believe that just happened.”
You hummed, still smiling, and nuzzled into his jaw.
Realization hit him a second later. “Wait… you didn’t come yet.”
His hands settled on your hips, and he started guiding you backward, turning you so your chest pressed to the cool glass of the shower door, his broader body warm against your back. One arm already sliding around your waist, the other starting to drift lower.
“You don’t have to,” you murmured, reaching back to rest a hand on his thigh.
“Yeah, I do,” he insisted, stubborn against your ear. “Ain’t fair if I’m the only one who—”
“No.”
“Sweetheart—”
“Joel.”
He paused, lips still hovering near your temple, gearing up for another round of insistence. That was when you lifted your hand and showed him your fingers: shiny, with soft strings connecting your pointer and middle fingers.
You leaned your head back against his shoulder, that classic smile still on your face.
“Might have taken your lessons and applied them. Helped me beat you to it.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I did.” You shivered like you were reliving the moment. “Seeing you come like that… does something to a woman. I couldn’t help myself.”
Joel’s brows drew together. His mouth tugged down at the corners, pure disbelief mixed with a little pout. “You can’t just—lookin’ at somebody ain’t ‘nough to—”
You scoffed, turning in his arms so your back pressed to the cool glass. “You don’t believe me?”
He hesitated. Joel always believed you, even when it made no sense. Even when it made his ears go a little pink. He exhaled through his nose, “Well… if you say so…”
But you weren’t finished.
While he was still talking, you brought those fingers to your own mouth and slowly sucked them clean. The wet sound of it cut through his rambling. Joel’s eyes dropped to your lips and stayed there, watching every deliberate pull of your tongue. You took your time, making sure he saw the way you savored it.
Then you tapped his bottom lip with one damp fingertip.
Joel frowned.
You tapped harder.
His mouth opened on instinct.
You curled your fingers under his jaw and guided his face down toward yours, closing the height difference until his breath mixed with yours. For a second you just held him there, looking at him.
Then you parted your lips and spat, a warm string of saliva landing directly on his tongue.
Joel’s whole body went still.
He should’ve been startled. Should’ve pulled back or laughed it off. Spitting in someone’s mouth wasn’t something he’d ever asked for or done, wasn’t something he’d ever thought he’d want.
But the second he could taste it—your slick, your spit… hell, even a bit of his own cum—something low and hot twisted in his gut.
The intimacy of it.
The filth of it.
The fact that it was you doing it to him.
His eyelids fluttered. An involuntary sound caught in his throat because his cock, which should have been half-soft, was now getting hard all over again. He’d never bounced back so quickly in his life.
You giggled, “Now do you believe me?”
“I… I…”
“What is it, baby?”
“Yes… yes, I believe you…” He murmured, burying his face in your neck after swallowing.
Your nails traced his spine, holding him in your arms. “Though… I’m not against you making me come a second time. A redemption. Outside this shower and after we properly clean off. I think we’ve been here for over thirty minutes. Oh, and we should eat something real quick. And pick out a movie.”
Joel smiled even though you couldn’t see it. “Let’s just stay here for a bit.”
“You’re forgetting it’s my water bill at stake. Plus, I thought you were always so money-conscious.”
“Forgive me if I want some rest from the best fuckin’ thirty minutes of my life.”
That earned him a light smack between his shoulder blades. He pulled back, and suddenly, your face was flushed, and he was sure it wasn’t from the steam. “Joel Miller, you dirty dog! Don’t lie, I only sucked you off.”
“You’re all shy now! After you just spit in my—”
“Shush, shush!” You covered your face, squirming as he tried to get a look at your face. “I was lost in the moment!”
The laugh that went through his chest and echoed out into the bathroom was full and heavy. He liked seeing you shy, liked seeing you flit back into reality. It was hard for him to catch you off guard, and it was oh-so cute when he did.
“Could you—and I’m askin’ this with all the love in my heart—get lost in it ‘gain?”
“Pervert!”
“Look who’s talkin’.”
❛ ━━━━･❪ 🎕 ❫ ･━━━━ ❜
You readjusted your purse, picked up the pink asymmetrical top from the rack, then held it up to Joel’s face.
“How do you think she would like this?”
He raised an eyebrow and adjusted his glasses. “You really wanna know what I’m thinkin’?”
Crossing your arms, you rolled your eyes, “I was asking how Sarah would feel, not her thirty-six-year-old dad.”
Joel hummed in consideration. His fingers ran through the rack of clothing, all different variations of the one you were holding up. Blues, yellows, pinks, and greys. The shopping bags on both of his arms swung around.
The entire store was mostly empty—thanks to holidays still being in full swing—with only a couple of restockers working around you both. Some pop song played on the speakers above your head.
Lunch had been good. Great, really. It was like a proper date without a proper title. He had pulled out your chair, ordered exactly what you liked because he already knew, and paid for every bit of it even though you fought back with your own card.
And of course, he had won.
Now, you both were wandering store to store, picking out things that everyone back home would like. You had already finished up shopping for Tommy, Raymond, and your dad. They were really easy to shop for. Lorraine had been a bit harder, but you had managed.
“Well, I ain’t really keen on her wearing shirts this short—”
“Oh please, don’t act like you didn’t see me wearing worse.”
“Different.” He plucked the shirt from your hand, tucking it under his arm. “My daughter versus the woman I love.”
“And yet you’d still get it for her.” You smirked.
“Yeah, well, I know she’d like it.” Without a single complaint, he turned sharp and walked to another rack you had been eyeing. You huffed, spotting the graphic t-shirt Joel was eyeing.
You picked out a style you thought she would like—a graphic of the Spice Girls when they were still together—and a couple more. All of it was piled into Joel’s arms, and he silently followed you.
You and him made your way to the denim section. Jeans, shorts, and skirts all hung off the walls. You picked out what Joel pointed to as her size, and soon, his whole chest was covered by teenage girl clothes.
As usual, your usual fight over who would pay ensued, with you winning because Joel’s hands were tied up by bags that whacked him every time he tried to reach for his wallet. You happily paid for it all, too glad with Joel’s displeasure.
The streets of New York City were the same as the store. At least, the best it could be for one of the busiest cities in the world after New Year’s. Even the streets were as clogged with beeping cars and their angry drivers.
You looked down at the new bag in Joel’s arms. “I’ll call my driver and have him take the bags from us. Won’t take him too long.”
Joel looked like he completely hated the idea. “It seems like we’re… we’re inconveniencin’ the man. I could just carry ‘em.”
You were already pulling out your phone, dialing your driver’s number. “I want to show you a lot of the city today. You can’t do that with all those bags in your arms.”
“It feels wron’ though.” He came to stand right by your side. “Y’know, havin’ someone do all this drivin’ when I could just take ‘em with us.”
“Do you want to?” You asked him honestly. Your finger hovered over the call button. “I mean, I’m not against you carrying it all, but I don’t want your arms to ache.”
Joel pressed his lips together. His eyes flickered around with guilt. You knew him better than the back of your hand. Being served was never something he was used to. Whether it be in your own relationship or in the real world, Joel always had put himself last, but now you were giving him everything he needed to be first.
Though he eventually nodded. That was all you needed to press call and tell your driver your location. Once you got the confirmation that he was coming, you cut the call and pocketed the phone.
You bumped your shoulder, tilting him off balance slightly. “You should be excited. I’m taking you somewhere special.”
Joel looked down at you, “Where you takin’ me, huh? Spoilin’ me so much.”
“I know, right? Taking you shopping, having a date, giving you morning head seems like a lot—”
He choked, slapping his chest to get out his spit from his throat. “We’re—we’re in public!”
You looked around, faking a scandalized expression. You placed your hand on your heart as if the stress was putting strain on it. “Really?! You think anyone heard me?!”
“Tryin’ to be funny, ain’t ya?” Joel gave you an exasperated look. “Says the same woman who was so flustered after our shower that you couldn’t look at me properly.”
You hated how a flush crept up to your cheeks, “That was—that wasn’t—”
“See? Don’t dish out what you can’t take.” He shrugged.
“Oh, I’ll dish out something for you to—”
Before you could finish your colorful sentence, a familiar black car had pulled up. Luckily, your penthouse was close to this side of the city. Joel waved down the car, stepping forward to greet the driver and push everything into the backseat. They spoke some more words before the driver took off.
You fidgeted with the zipper of your purse while he came back to stand in front of you, hands stuffed deep into his pockets to combat the cold.
“Now, you goin’ tell me where we’re headin’, or is this ‘posed to be a mystery?”
You smiled and clasped your hands behind your back, already walking toward the direction you had memorized long ago. Together, you both matched each other’s paces, conquering block after block while leaning toward each other naturally.
“How about you try figuring it out?”
“‘Gain, tryin’ to be funny.”
“Hey, but you—” You point straight at his face, “—are the one who is constantly listening to what I have to say.”
Joel blinked, eyes going slightly crossed as he stared at your fingertip. A heavy look of concern washed over his face, and before you could ask him what happened, he already had your hand in his grasp. “Your fingers are freezin’. You forgot your gloves.”
You glanced down at your bare hands. “Huh, must not have remembered them…”
He seemed offended about that statement. “Here, lemme give you my gloves. Might be too big but it’s better than nothin’—”
“You seem to forget I’ve dealt with thirteen years of New York Winters.” You said it with a twinge of pride as you both stepped down a curb and crossed the road, you on his left side. “You know how many times I’ve rushed to class in my thinnest jacket because my other one was in a washing machine?”
“That ain’t what’s happenin’ here, is it?” Joel retorted. “Now, you got the chance to be warm.”
“Well, I’m not letting you lose your fingers.”
“I ain’t either.”
Stubbornly, you both glared at each other. It was only when Joel relented by huffing and turning his face away. You thought you had won, smiling smugly. You tilted your nose up with pride until you noticed Joel had gone silent. You looked back and…
He wasn’t walking anymore.
Instead, Joel was cursing and moving his hands faster than you could track. He was standing closer to the buildings, not blocking the way of traffic.
You groaned, spinning on your heels to walk back over to him. “Don’t be too mad that I found a way to dodge your chivalrous attempts to be a—”
But before you could finish, you noticed him taking off his left glove. You tried to stop him, but he had already reached and taken your wrist, pulling your whole body against his side as he took your left hand and shoved it into the warm embrace of the fabric.
Then, your right hand was shoved into his jacket pocket, with his own bare left hand joining yours. Joel’s fingers took up most of the space in the pocket. They were thick and broad and hard, a tell-tale sign of his years of hard work. And those same fingers gracefully wrapped around yours, warming you up.
You blinked at him, and he at you.
Suddenly, his hand was nothing compared to how hot your face was getting. “Ah—well, your hands are really warm.”
“You’re just now findin’ out ‘bout that?” Joel was the one who looked prideful.
You clenched your teeth, resuming your walking, but you couldn’t stop yourself from squeezing his hand back.
Together—hand in hand—you traversed the city once more.
You guided him through the crowded sidewalks, weaving between tourists and locals alike. Joel didn’t question anything, his thumb occasionally brushing over your knuckles inside the pocket. Every so often he’d glance at you, trying to figure out what you were up to but was content to let you lead.
By the time the buildings started thinning, and the air grew sharper with salt, your excitement was nearly impossible to hide. You pulled him down the final stretch, the low roar of the water and the distant horns of boats growing louder with every step.
When you finally stopped near the large glass building, you slipped your hand free and turned to face him. Joel raised a brow.
“Close your eyes.”
He hesitated for half a second, then obeyed, a small, amused smile tugging at his mouth. “You’re really committed to this surprise, huh?”
“Shh.” You carefully covered his eyes with your hands just to be sure, then started guiding him forward. Joel stumbled once, then again, his free hand reaching out blindly until it found your waist.
“Easy, sweetheart,” he muttered, “Can’t see a damn thin’.”
Whitehall Terminal was grand and large, with the words Staten Island emboldened over the front entrance. At night, you knew they glowed blue, but in the day it was turned off. Fewer people than usual entered the building, but the majority of them were tourists. You could tell by the numerous cameras clicking and the ‘I ❤︎ NY’ shirts.
You took Joel toward the wall so he wouldn’t get bumped into. You tried to see the expression on his face even though it was covered. “You ready?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
And with that, you peeled your hands off his face. Joel squinted, adjusting to the light, but they widened when he saw the building. His eyes darted over everything. More so, he tilted his head when he heard
“What is this?”
You stepped around him, clasping your hands behind your back, your purse hitting the back of your thighs. “This place? Whitehall Terminal.”
“A terminal for…?”
“A ferry! The Staten Island Ferry.” You waved your hand toward the sign like he couldn’t see it. “It’ll take us over the Hudson River, and we can see the skyline of the city. Plus, I don’t think you’ve seen the Statue of Liberty up close.”
“I haven’t seen the statue so close.” He said with an awe-struck tone.
“Exactly! Which is why…” You took his hand with both your clothed and unclothed hands. You dragged him toward the entrance. “… you’re going to love this.”
“How much are the tickets?” Joel asked. “I can pay you—”
“Nice try, but this is a free ride.”
You and Joel slipped through the doors and into the large lobby. The chatter echoed throughout the room, bouncing off the windows. You could see the Hudson River, the city, and the Atlantic Ocean stretching throughout the view.
“Do you like it?”
You and Joel slipped through the doors into the wide, echoing lobby. Voices bounced off the tall windows and polished floors—families laughing, tourists pointing, the low rumble of announcements over the intercom. Beyond the glass, the Hudson stretched out gray and restless, the city skyline rising sharp against the late light, and farther still the open water that would carry you toward the Atlantic.
“Do you like it?”
He didn’t answer right away. His gaze lingered on the water, then the distant silhouette of the Statue of Liberty standing green and solitary against the horizon.
“Yeah… I do.” A disbelieving shake of his head. “I’ve only seen the pictures of her. Feels different standin’ here ‘stead of just starin’ at a screen.”
You watched the way the light caught the lines around his eyes, the way his shoulders had eased just a fraction. Then you reached into your purse and pulled out the small silver camera you’d been carrying all day. It was compact, and a little scuffed from use.
“Can I take your picture? With the view behind you.”
Joel’s eyebrows lifted. “Me? Sweetheart, I ain’t exactly camera quality.”
“Please?”
He huffed, but he didn’t argue further. He walked over to the window, planted himself in front of the glass, and stood there like he was waiting for a mug shot. His shoulders square, arms stiff at his sides, and expression carefully neutral.
You lifted the camera and peered through the viewfinder. He looked so formal. The same awkwardness you’d always known was there, only more apparent under the bright lobby lights and the open space around him.
“Be more natural,” you said, lowering the camera a little. “Just… just relax.”
Joel tried. The corner of his mouth twitched upward into a smile that came out crooked, uneven, like he wasn’t sure where to put it. It made the whole pose somehow worse.
You frowned. “You know what? Go back to glaring.”
The crooked attempt vanished. His face settled back into the familiar, slightly stern expression he wore most days. It was still posed, still careful, but it was him. The camera clicked softly. You lowered it and looked at him over the top of the viewfinder, something warm and private curling in your chest.
“Lemme take me one of you.” Joel insisted, stepping toward you and holding out his hand. You placed it there, and swapped places with him.
You readjusted your hair, fixed your clothes, and looked back at Joel. His eyes were covered by the camera, but you could see his mouth slightly open. You cocked an eyebrow, “How do I look?”
“Beautiful…” The camera clicked repeatedly, with Joel constantly adjusting how he was positioned. He bent his knees, lifted himself higher, went to the right, then the left. He wanted that perfect angle.
You laughed at the sight, eyes closed. “You’re putting so much effort into this. I took one picture of you.”
“I got experience.” Joel said while he flipped the camera into a vertical view, “Teenage daughter with her teenage friends? Gives me the best trainin’ possible. Plus, if it means I get to take some of these pictures home with me…”
“Souvenirs?”
“Mhm…”
“Well, at least we should take a picture together.”
Joel poked his head out, then nodded hard. “We can do that.” He came to stand right by you, pressed up to your right. The camera was placed a bit higher than his head, the silver gleaming before your face.
His picture-ready smile—just as awkward as before—was plastered on his face. You looked up at him, at how his jaw was scruffy and thick. Despite how stiff he was, the twinkle in his eyes was so apparent. It was so easy looking at him.
You couldn’t help it: you leaned up and kissed his cheek. You didn’t care that it was blurring the picture. You wanted him to know exactly how you felt.
Joel’s breath staggered a bit, but the clicking didn’t stop. In fact, it got a bit faster. The only reason you were pulled back was that his face turned to meet your lips. Quick pecks were exchanged, and you both laughed. Yours was light, while his was a deep rumble in his chest.
You pulled back, grinning wide, “Liked that?”
But before he could answer, the intercom lit up:
The two-thirty PM Staten Island Ferry is now boarding. Please make your way to the gate, and make sure you have all your belongings.
You looked around, spotting everyone heading forward. You glanced back at Joel, who hadn’t stopped staring at you. “We should head out now.”
“Yes ma’am.” He said with a soft tone.
Together you moved with the thin crowd through the gate and into the long, slightly echoing tunnel that led down to the slip. The air grew cooler, carrying the stronger scent of river water and diesel.
At the end of it, the orange ferry waited, its white railings bright against the gray water. You climbed the stairs two at a time, Joel, right behind you, until you spilled out onto the upper deck.
Your chest was heaving a little from the rush when you finally reached the starboard railing. The view opened up clean and wide—no more glass between you and the water—just open air and the city stretching out behind you. The Statue of Liberty stood clearer now.
Joel rested his forearms on the rail beside yours, shoulders brushing. For a moment neither of you spoke. The deck under your feet vibrated faintly as the last of the boarding passengers settled in. There weren’t many; the boat felt almost quiet.
Then the engines deepened their hum, the ropes were cast off, and the ferry began to ease away from the dock, sliding out into the open water of the harbor.
For a long moment, neither you nor Joel said a word. You didn’t want to anyway. You’d rather enjoy the moment in silence with him. Plus, you could enjoy the view on your own.
The skyline rose in layers of steel and glass, catching the afternoon light. You let your eyes travel across it, naming the shapes without thinking.
There was the Empire State Building, tall and steady near the center, its antenna still catching the sun. A little to the right and lower, the Chrysler Building’s distinctive crown glittered, Art Deco edges sharp even from this distance.
Closer to the water’s edge you could pick out the Woolworth Building’s Gothic spire, and farther south the cluster of lower Manhattan towers that framed the open space where the Twin Towers had once stood.
You didn’t say the last part out loud. You just watched the light move across the remaining skyline, the way the buildings seemed to lean into one another against the wide gray of the river.
Joel’s arm brushed yours on the railing. He wasn’t looking at the city; rather, he was looking at you.
“Thank you.” That was all he said.
“For what?”
“For brinin’ me out here.” You nudged your head toward the skyline. “I told you I wanted to travel, see the world. I never thought New York would be the first stop.”
“I told you then, you deserve it, Joel. Disney World, Grand Canyon, Northern Lights, Pacific Coast Highway… you’re going to see it all.”
Joel shook his head, lowering it. His hair was tussled in the wind. “The city seems like a good start.”
“An amazing start. And we barely scratched the surface.” You wistfully looked up at the sky. “There are so many restaurants it would take years to get through them all.”
“We gotta start tonight then. Me, you, some hole in the wall. And I’ll be payin’ for it this time.”
“If you could get your wallet out fast enough.”
Joel chuckled, “Maybe you could just leave your purse at home, then. You’re too quick for me.”
“Again, I’m saying you’re getting a bit too old.” You pushed him with your shoulder. “Think it's time for me to take care of you.”
“Don’t you start with that.” He pointed a bare finger at you. “I’m takin’ care of you for the rest of our lives.”
You blinked at him. “Really?”
“‘Course I am.” He seemed offended. “I’mma take care of you forever.”
“We won’t live that long.”
Joel looked at you through his lashes. “Y’know what I mean. Can’t imagine a world where you’re not by my side, and I’m not takin’ care of you. I know you can take care of yourself—you prove that every day—but it's the little thin’s.”
You tilted your head toward him. “What little things?”
“Drivin’ you to work, watchin’ Friends ‘til midnight while we talk, helpin’ you with your hair… those litte thin’s.”
“Hm… and do you think we won’t have that anymore?”
“If that’s what you want. You said… you said yesterday that you were thinkin’ ‘bout the stuff that comes ‘fore datin’. Then we’d go back to boyfriend and girlfriend.”
“I want to give us more time before we just jump back into a relationship. That’s what we did last time, and that didn’t really… well, you know how that ended. It was a huge rush.” You shook your head and brushed hair off your face. “But I don’t know how that will all work. I mean… you leave in two days, Joel.”
“I know.”
“And when will… when will it be the next time that we see each other?”
He looked away. “I don’t know.”
You pressed your lips together, trying to keep your emotions in check. “And we have whole lives without each other. Me here with work and all the late nights with them. You with the company and Sarah. Just how it was for thirteen years but with us trying to be something more.”
“Y’know…” Joel ran his gloved thumb over his bare knuckles, “For those years, that’s all I wanted. For us to be on good terms even though we were time zones apart. I think I would’ve found courage by then, fixed myself sooner, asked you out sooner. In fact, my whole life would’ve been way different.
“So I don’t want to go back home with doubts. I don’t want to think ‘bout a life where I get back on that plane, and we go nowhere. ‘Cause like it or not, I don’t see myself with anyone else.”
“Joel…” You reached forward, placing a hand on his.
“And y’know ‘causal’ and me don’t work. I’m too fucked up for that. We had sex. Multiple times, in fact, while we’re not datin’. You kissed me too. So it’s either… all or nothin’. I either can’t have you or I’ll will.”
You stared at him, at the emotion on his face. Joel was at his most vulnerable, on this bright orange ferry that was carrying so many. You bit your lip, that same rawness spilling out. “I don’t want to be in the middle. I want all or nothing too.”
“That’s good. We’re on the same page.”
“But how?” You asked honestly.
“What do the kids all it… long-distance?”
You snorted, but it was wet. “You want to long-distance date me?”
“I wanna keep workin’ on fixin’ us for a month or two, then ask you to be my girlfriend. It would be… over the phone, I guess. I would be glued to the thin’.”
He tried to laugh, but not even you could find the humor in it. “And if it doesn’t.”
“It will,” Joel said it with such surety that it shocked you. “If there was one thin’ I could get in this life—one thin’ for sure—I would want ‘nother chance with you. And I sure as hell wouldn’t let it go.”
You flipped around, pressing your back to the railing so that you were facing toward the deck. “I wouldn’t waste it either. I want that life with you, Joel.”
“And I don’t expect you to give up anythin’ for us. Your career, your money, your home here, I don’t want you to lose what makes you you. Our relationship is ‘posed to add to your life, not take away from it.”
You smiled, closing your eyes in bliss. It felt good having him put down that fear before you could even spiral about it. It wasn’t too long ago that men fell for successful women, but then expected them to become mothers and wives. To give up everything they had worked for just for marriage.
But not Joel. No, he wanted you to flourish with him. He wanted to support you. You always knew that, but having it said out loud was satisfying to no end.
“So we’ll try?” You turned your face toward him.
“We’ll try.”
You both went back to the silence. The rush of the river below took up all the space. Coming closer, the Statue of Liberty with her torch waved you closer. The broken shackles on her feet spoke volumes about how you felt many times in this city.
You felt like that now, with Joel here.
Broken free from the fears of the past with Joel.
With Joel.
❛ ━━━━･❪ 🎕 ❫ ･━━━━ ❜
“You’ll call me as soon as you land.”
“I swear it.”
“And you have everything, right?” You pulled back just enough to do a quick scan of Joel. “Backpack, phone, wallet, new suitcase I got you—”
“Which I’m still incredibly grateful for. You didn’t need to buy me one, sweetheart”
“—with all the things we bought for everyone… you should be good then.”
Joel smiled, tilting his head. “Thank you for the checkup. Now, kiss me ‘fore I head out.”
You didn’t need to be told twice. Not a single lick of shame existed in your body in the middle of that airport as you leaned up and left a million kisses on his lips. The intercoms blared over your head, stating flight changes and cancellations, and people moved more than usual for John F. Kennedy International Airport.
January fourth had come far too quickly. Far too fast for you to keep track of. You had meant to soak up as much time as you could with him, but it slipped by your fingers. Days spent waking up late with him, hours getting ready and finally heading outside to sightsee. You finally put your days off to good use; spending the holidays with the one that meant the most.
It was pitch black outside—Joel had, of course, picked the latest flight so he could spend the most time with you—so much so that the snow wasn’t visible. You both took a cab, and you held his hand the whole time while your foot thudded against the floorboard. He sat eerily still and quiet, just watching the buildings turn into runways.
Of course, only Joel Miller could find calm in flying back home after deciding to go long-distance. You barely did relationships, and now the man you just got back with was flying back home. Alone.
You pulled off his lips to fix his jacket collar. “And if there isn’t enough leg room, or they aren’t doing something fast enough, you call me. I can arrange for a private jet to take you home in about an hour, just say the word.”
“Are you… are you babyin’ me ‘cause this is my second time flyin’?”
“Of course I am!” You huffed. “I hate how you flew for the first time alone. And for me. The least I can do is make sure you’re comfortable.”
“Y’know I would do it ‘gain, right?” He tilted his head down, forcing you to look into your eyes while you were too focused. “I need you to know that.”
Joel’s hands found the expanse of your back. They slipped underneath your jacket and rubbed soothing circles against the fabric of your shirt. Looking up at him, you sighed in relief. “I do know that; it’s just… I get worried, is all.”
“Hmm… well, I don’t think the plane is goin’ down. They gotta have built it properly—”
You smack his chest slightly harder than you normally would. “That’s not something to joke about.”
“I’m sorry.” To make it up to you, he kissed your bare face, moving alongside your hairline and stopping between your eyebrows. “I won’t talk like that.”
“Good. Especially since it’ll be a while before I see you…” You paused, biting your bottom lip. “I’m going to miss you so fucking much.”
“I will too.”
“No, not just that.” Gripping the front of his shirt, you buried your face into his neck. “It’ll be hard. Work, Sarah, everything… I know we talked. We talked all night. But I still can’t wrap my head around the fact you’re about to be almost two thousand miles away from me. Willingly too. I’m willingly letting you go too.”
“Seems like torture for the both of us.”
“Oh, if you only knew. I’d move you here. I’d take Sarah and everyone and give them a fresh start here. School would be good for Sarah, Benji, and Kevin. Business would work great for you and Tommy, and I have connections to get Maria a job. My dad would get amazing care here. Hell, even my mama could find a better facility. Add your own mama and dad on the plan, and we’re set.”
“But you can’t.”
Defeat washed over you. “I can’t.”
“But what you can do—” Joel moved so that your chin was in his hand and he was making you look up, “—is be the amazin’, strong woman I know. Hold down half of our fort here while I manage the other half there. I’ll call you as soon as I land, and we’ll fix up a schedule for when we’ll call.”
“Alright…”
“And I’ll still be vistin’ you. This ain’t gonna be those thirteen years or the last two months. I’ll fly here every once in a while to see you. And you’ll come back home too.”
“Promise?” Your eyes gleamed with hope you didn’t know you could possess.
Joel never looked more sure in his life. “I promise.”
You hugged Joel, trying to keep him as close as possible. He breathed in your scent, pressing his mouth on your head. Whether he was kissing you or just holding on, you couldn’t tell, but you didn’t care either. At least he was close.
You would miss him.
You would miss his presence pushed up against you in the bed while he practically lay on top of you. You would miss how he held onto you no matter where you both went. You would miss his listening ear that always gave you another side to discussions you hadn’t considered.
You would miss how he could sharpen or soften you in any moment. You would miss his laugh when it was unrestrained. You would miss the twinkle in his eyes when he talked about the things he loved. You would miss how he loved with his whole being.
You would miss him.
“I’mma miss you so, so much, sweetheart.” Joel’s voice was muffled. “I don’t know how I’m gonna sleep at night. I barely did when you were away.”
“If you keep talking like this, I’m not going to be able to let you go.”
“Is it bad I’m ‘bout to start encouragin’ you?”
When you looked back at him, his eyes were shiny. Unable to see him like that, you tutted and wiped right underneath his eyes, messing up his glasses. He was forced to close one eye with how hard you were pressing into his skin.
You tried to hold your own composure, refusing to let Joel feel your own sadness. But he caught on, brushing at the corner of your own eyes. You suddenly felt the wetness there, not realizing you had let a tear slip.
“No tears. Be the stron’ one, sweetheart.” Joel said, just in time for the intercom overhead to announce his flight number. You and him jerked back just enough to listen, until it disappeared. Joel looked back at you, “Seems like… like that’s me.”
“It is.”
You both stared at each other before smashing your lips tight together. Joel’s suitcase was forgotten by his side, both his hands locked over your body.
“Tryin’ to—mwah!—get as many kisses as I get. So it’ll last me ‘til I see you next time.” He reasoned.
It took force to get him moving. It took too much strength, too, physically and mentally. You pulled back your lips from his. “You have to go, you can’t be late.”
“I know, I know…” Joel trailed off, “... just one more hug?”
You scoffed, “As if you have to ask.”
You hugged him tight one more time, running your fingers over his nape to try and feel the baby curls there. Joel was huffing, clearly trying to smell your perfume and shampoo.
Once again, it was you who pulled away. It was you who cleared your throat, composed yourself, and grabbed his suitcase before it could get knocked away by traffic. “Go, go Joel. You’re gonna miss it.”
“Y’think they’ll hold the plane for one more kiss…?”
“Go!” But you give it to him either way, tasting salt.
Joel stepped away from you. It hurt, watching him inch further and further away while throwing glances back at you. Then, he was taking full steps through the crowd, weaving his way to security. He joined the line of bored people waiting their turn, but he looked anything but bored. All he could do was crane his neck to find you so far away.
You waited the whole time as he made his way through. Even though the heater was on, you wrapped your arms around yourself, shivering from his lack of warmth.
Joel was scanned down; his luggage went through the sensors, and nothing happened. Everything went as smoothly as it could, and soon, he was putting his shoes on and grabbing all his belongings from the bins that had reached the end of the belt.
Your heart was in your throat, and your hands inched up to wave him goodbye.
There was no way he would see you. He needed to focus on finding that gate, and he needed to focus on not being nervous.
But Joel always had his way of surprising you.
He whipped his head around, and through the sea of people, his eyes were locked into yours. His whole arm shook as he waved back. Though you couldn’t see his face, you knew he was smiling.
You waved back, and it took you brushing your hand to tell him to ‘go’ for him to shake his head and listen.
Joel disappeared behind the wall, and all that was left was you standing alone.
You stood there awkwardly for a couple of seconds. People had to scoot around you, muttering ‘excuse mes’, but you didn’t make a move. You waited a bit longer before sighing and turning, heading back for the doors.
The cold air bit at your cheeks, much harsher with the darkness’ help. All around you, life was moving with such haste it was a heavy contrast to you. Cars buzzed through the lane, suitcases and backpacks stood on top of snow, and breath from people lifted to the air.
It didn’t take you long to wave down a cab. The first one that came to you was a bit beat up, but it would work. You got inside, saying short greetings to the driver and giving your address.
The cab was quick to get through the heavy traffic, getting out of the airport grounds and back into the New York City streets. You watched the city through the windows, that feeling of loneliness becoming your friend once more.
Though you didn’t last too long.
Your phone buzzed. You felt it in your pocket. Wiping your eyes, you pulled it out and flipped it open. You frowned, noticing Joel’s name was glowing in the dark.
Worried consumed you. Did something happen already? You thumbed through all the different screens until you finally logged into your chat with him:
[JOEL]: Made it to my gate.
[JOEL]: It was close by.
[JOEL]: [photo]
The picture was clear; him standing awkwardly in front of the windows that showed glowing runways and planes. His own flight was parked right outside, maintenance working on it. Joel wore a neutral expression with a small smile. He never was the type for set-up pictures. You only got his real smile when it was candid.
Your heart slowed down, enough to where you could type back.
[YOU]: Handsome.
[YOU]: You look very handsome in those glasses.
Your camera flashed, slightly blinding you as you sent back a picture. When you looked, you could see the faint redness of your eye and the flush of your nose. You still managed to smile for him.
You sent it.
His response was immediate.
[JOEL]: You’re underestimating how strong my willpower is.
[JOEL]: Please don’t cry.
[JOEL]: Not over me.
[YOU]: Have I told you how much I’m going to miss you?
[JOEL]: You have.
[JOEL]: I’ll miss you more.
[YOU]: Impossible.
[YOU]: If they wouldn’t tackle me to the floor, I’d rush through security and find your gate and kiss you.
[JOEL]: You think I wouldn’t do that too?
[JOEL]: I’m this close to leaving my stuff here and walking back to your penthouse, and get some frostbite while I’m at it.
[YOU]: Sarah would never let you live with the fact you got frostbite over me.
[JOEL]: Then at least she’d know what true love is.
You laughed.
You hoped he was laughing too.
But you couldn’t hold onto it for too long. Not when your heart was breaking yet was so full. Like a dam, fracturing and falling apart completely.
[YOU]: I love you
[JOEL]: I love you too, sweetheart.
[JOEL]: Make sure you eat something for dinner that isn’t that takeout crap.
[JOEL]: You should have some leftovers from yesterday in the fridge.
[JOEL]: And don’t sit by the phone too much and get some sleep.
[JOEL]: Even when I do land, I know it’ll be late for you, and I don’t want you up all night
[YOU]: How are you going a whole time zone away and still finding ways to baby me?
[YOU]: Only you could have a skill like that.
[JOEL]: Only for you.
[YOU]: Cheeseball.
[JOEL]: Is that my new nickname?
[JOEL]: I like it.
[YOU]: Do I get a new nickname?
[JOEL]: Honey, sweetie, babe, dear.
[JOEL]: Want me to go on?
[YOU]: Actually, I think sweetheart is the only one for me.
[JOEL]: Then, ‘sweetheart’, you’ll keep being.
There was a long pause before his next text was sent:
[JOEL]: We’re boarding now, I have to go.
Your heart leapt into your throat as you typed:
[YOU]: Alright, just make sure you don’t forget anything.
[JOEL]: Already padded myself down to make sure I got everything.
[JOEL]: And remember what I said.
[JOEL]: If you’re tired, go to bed.
[JOEL]: I can still call you in the morning; your sleep matters to me.
[YOU]: Is it weird I miss your nitpicking as well
A beat of no response, then something.
[JOEL]: Not really, no.
[JOEL]: Cause you wouldn’t want it any other way, you love it
[YOU]: That is true.
[YOU]: I love you, and your nitpicking.
I feel like I'm playing with dolls and making them kiss every time I write smut LMAO. But, about damn time these two have their way with each other!!
blurb - Your first days of 2004 become your last four with Joel in New York. The brief time left together is filled with heavy conversations about the future. Together, you confront difficult questions about the paths your lives may take once you part ways.
Word Count: 11.4 k
He would be a liar if he said you didn’t have the most comfortable bed he’d ever slept in.
Joel had the honor of sleeping by your side many times. In fact, he had done so since he was a child. You, he, and Tommy all bundled up in the weak cold months of winter with your legs knocking together, bodies shivering. Each time, you’d lean into Tommy’s arms, face nuzzled into his chest with your back presented straight to Joel’s face.
Twins, his mama would explain to Joel every time you and he ran off somewhere. A sort of not-so-biological connection that existed. He had thought it was stupid; last time he checked, you hadn’t been strolled out in a bassinet as well when Tommy was born.
Yet, it didn’t matter. Because by the middle of the night, you would leave Tommy’s grasp and slip into Joel’s muttering sleepily about how Tommy got sticky-sweaty while Joel was a proper warm. He took those moments and bundled them into his heart.
Joel had a lot of things he kept close to him. Sarah’s birth, cooking with his mama, fixing up the truck with his daddy, learning from Clyde, and fighting with Tommy. But he kept his moments with you in an extra grip, because the time between them was so far apart.
So when he got to sleep in bed with you—sexual or not—he was overwhelmed. Two months without that drained him more than the thirteen years ever had. Maybe a taste of you had gotten him addicted far worse than the pathetic following he did in his youth.
Joel wasn’t plagued by these thoughts constantly. He wasn’t some philosopher pondering his relationship with you—at least, when he was happy. Sometimes, the little connections would pop up in his head, and then he’d brush the threads away like spider webs.
That’s what happened when his eyes were barely able to open. Joel’s face was pressed deep into your pillows—satin, he believed?—with his naked body pressed into the sheets. It was slightly chilly against his skin, to the point where it made him shiver.
No sunlight beamed over his skin. Rather, he could hear the soft beat of snow hitting your windows. There was no warmth except for the center of the bed, which was already escaping him.
He thought for a moment he was back in a dream. His dreams were never easy waters.
Joel was barely able to blink a couple of times, fighting the sleep that weighed on his bones and face. His muscles were taut as he pushed himself up from the bed in a groan. Naturally, his hand reached toward your side, trying to find you and wake you up as well.
Yet, he felt nothing.
That woke him up. Without his glasses, everything was fuzzy. It was even worse with the morning fog hanging around his brain, but he still managed to push himself up and sit sideways.
Your side of the bed was empty, the comforter all bunched completely over his legs. There was no sign of you. Not by the side table, or the dresser—the tray was even gone—or any noise coming from downstairs.
He couldn’t help it; all of this was an exact flashback of Dallas.
When he woke up then, he had the slamming of the door as his wake-up call. He had called your name so many times, yet there was no answer. He was completely alone, left to reel with the fact that he had just had mind-blowing, drunk sex the woman he had been in love with for two decades.
Just like now.
Joel swung his legs over the edge, using the comforter to cover up. His head twisted around, as if you were hiding from him. “Sweetheart…?”
He hated how doubtful his voice sounded, but he couldn’t help it. Had you gone to work, leaving him to pace around your living room until you came back? Had you left in shame again? No, that wouldn’t be the case, because you both had had the most heartfelt conversation on a rooftop. He had just fucked your brains out and came inside you. You wouldn’t have left.
He stood up now, the fabric trailing behind him as he stubbled with tired legs, voice louder this time. “Sweetheart? Where are you?”
Nervous, he headed for the slightly opened door.
But he stopped when the flush of the toilet and the quick rush of water caught his attention.
Maybe it was the fact that relief rushed through his body and relaxed him; he didn’t move. But when he realized that he was buck naked with nothing but his hand and a comforter covering his crotch, his face turned red, and he almost jumped back into bed.
Before he could, however, the bathroom door opened, and there you walked out. You were yawning, hand covering your mouth. One of his shirts—from his dresser downstairs, matter of fact—covered your torso, dipping over your thighs, though he saw the flash of clean panties underneath. Your hair wasn’t kept at all, in its most natural and beautiful form
You spotted him and smiled. That smile. A star-studded, heart-throbbing, mind-blowing smile that made him dizzy. But it faded when you frowned and looked down and morphed into a smirk.
“I didn’t know the lobby provided this type of service.” You teased, leaning against the doorway of the bathroom, legs crossed over each other, “Nude breakfast and all the benefits. I wouldn’t have called this personally, but if it’s you…”
“Oh, this ain’t—this ain’t anythin’.” Joel managed to wrap his legs and tie a knot on his waist, securing the fabric and freeing his hands. “I was just wakin’ up, is all.”
“Hmm… have you been working on your thighs, Miller? They seem bigger than before.”
“I have, actually.” He beamed when you noticed his progress, so much so he didn’t notice you walking toward him. “Pickin’ up shifts to work at sites and also workin’ out gave me a lot more muscle than ‘fore. The kids say it's ‘bulkin’’, but I call it keepin’ healthy—grumph!”
You had kissed him, mouth against his to silence his words. He tasted the minty toothpaste on your tongue as he worked his lips against yours in smooth rhythm. He held the back of your neck and felt your arms lay on his shoulders. He slightly pulled back to speak.
“I didn’t brush my teeth, yet.” The words were against your lips.
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Kinda does. You don’t want to have to wash your mouth ‘gain and—”
“Shut up and kiss me, Joel.”
“Yes ma’am.”
He turned and walked you backwards until the back of your knees hit the edge of the bed and you both fell. Your lips never separated once. The comforter pulled and fell onto the floor as he landed on top of you, but he paid no mind.
All he had was you and him in that moment. There could be a fire that was burning all of New York City down, and he would still find time to kiss you. Nothing mattered except you. There was only you in his eyes.
Your legs lay on either side of his hips. You pecked him over and over, soft smacks against his lips that warmed him up far more than the bed could.
“Did you shower yet?” He asked while still running his mouth up and down your jaw. “You don’t smell like it.”
“Are you saying I stink?” You pushed him back, though he fought back to stay close.
“Never. I’m just sayin’ that gives me less time to lay on you ‘fore you decide you want to clean up.”
“Says the man completely naked on me right now.” You teased. Joel blushed, looking away from your face and his body, but you laughed and pulled him back in. “It’s okay, I like it.”
“You’re only sayin’ that ‘cause we had sex.”
“You know, sex is such a crude word.” You tapped your chin in mock thought, “What about… making love? Or, devils tango? Or—”
“First off, I ain’t sixty.” He traced his hand up and down your warm spine, causing the fabric of your—his—shirt to rise. “Second off, sex ain’t evil. If it was, then we’re the most evil of ‘em all from how I was pressin’ you up ‘gainst the window with my face ‘tween your—”
“See! Crude!” You laughed. Suddenly, you were pushing him to lie on his back, with your hips perched on his. You sat right on top of him, not that he had any issue with it. He liked having his hands back on your hips and your thighs bracing around his stomach. “You should really learn how to watch your language.”
“Says the woman on top of me.”
“Are you complaining?”
Joel looked up at you, thumb running over your panties. “How could I?”
Your eyes softened, and you leaned over him. Your arms found their place around his head as you softly kissed him over and over, lips moving together in harmony. Both your hands roamed and touched, feeling everything that you both had missed.
It was painful to remove his mouth from yours, but he had to. Even though all he wanted to do was stay in bed and forget the world, there were still things he promised to do.
Despite your obvious disappointment—which he found endearing—he still managed to smile.
“Sweetheart, what is this?”
“Us?”
“Yeah. What are we?”
Fingers caught in his hair, you looked at his graying scalp instead of his eyes. “We’re… together again, obviously.”
“Obviously.” He repeated it like either of you knew exactly what it meant. “But what is together? Are we back to bein’ me bein’ your boyfriend? Is this… is this somethin’ you wanna just do for tonight?”
“Never,” You frowned at him. “Ever say that to me again. You are so much more to me than just sex.”
“Crude language.”
“I’m serious, Joel.” Peppering kisses on his nose, you still kept that serious look on your face. “This isn’t Dallas where I pretend this didn’t happen. No, I said we would make this work, and we’re making it work.”
He was thankful for that. He couldn’t have been luckier, even if he tried. “We will. I don’t need an exact title for what we are. Still earnin’ you back—”
“Another thing.” You spoke with such sureness that it felt like he was a subordinate at your office. “I don’t want us to have that dynamic.”
“What dynamic?”
“You know, the one where you’re constantly chasing me and wanting to prove yourself to me. You have proven yourself to me and you’ve done the work. Now, it’s up to both of us to make this work.”
“But I don’t want you to feel as if I did all that and now I’m goin’ to be lazin’ ‘round.”
“When have I ever known you to lazing around?” You questioned with a quirk of your lip. “It’ll just take a bit of time before we’re ready again. And I know our end goal.”
Joel didn’t need you to say it loud for him to know either.
‘Til then…” His arms tightened around you. “Stay for a bit. Wanna sleep in.”
“Joel, I have—”
“Lies, you don’t got work. Michelle herself ain’t gonna be there, so you don’t got to either.”
“I wasn’t going to say that.” You shook your head. “I was going to say… maybe we could—I don’t know if you’re up for it—shower and then eat something. Everything will be closed since it’s New Year’s… but tomorrow we could take a stroll around the city, just you and me?”
“Sounds awfully like a date, sweetheart.”
“A two-day date situation,” You held up the numbers on your fingers in case he couldn’t catch on. “Since we’re landlocked here. And there’s a lot two people could do by themselves.”
Joel swallowed as you rose to your knees, straddling his hips. “Like what?”
“Depends on what we’re feeling like. Movies for hours, could order in some McDonald's—”
“Now that sounds wonderful.”
“—or…” Like the simple creature he was, he watched your nails drag over his chest and down his navel, “...we could listen to your suggestion. Stay in bed a bit longer.”
“I wouldn’t be against that. Reason why I suggested it.” Joel’s hands reached up and through your shirt, feeling your soft torso.
He was about to pull you down when you suddenly swung yourself off, leaving him alone on the bed. Joel covered himself up with both hands, watching with a soft grunt as you strutted back to the bathroom.
Your—his, again—shirt landed on the floor. Your back was exposed to him, revealing the faint bruising of where he had gripped you last night. Over your shoulders, on your waist, deep in your hips. You arched an eyebrow while pushing open the door.
“Are you going to watch or join?”
Joel didn’t need to be told twice.
He got up and followed you. By the time he shut the door behind him, you had already stripped and were turning on the water. Your fingers tested the heat, and you both waited for a second before you slipped through the shower doors.
The water was a steady drum over your skin, cascading down your front. Over the perfect body he couldn’t help admiring. It ran down your neck, over your breasts, dripped over your waist. You ran your hands over yourself in the most ordinary way possible, but it was the sexiest thing he had ever seen.
You giggled when you noticed him not coming in. He closed his mouth. Was he drooling? Joel hoped you hadn’t noticed, but when you opened your own mouth and trailed your finger out of the corner of your lips down, he knew you had.
As quickly as he could, Joel brushed his teeth with his toothbrush and your toothpaste. He had kept an extra pair up here during the nights he had slept in your bed. He had thought it would be a simple thing. Now, it was the most important thing.
Joel spat out this toothpaste and gruggled water. He joined you in the warm spray, his back taking all the water. Before you could say anything, he was already on you, holding you tight and trading soft, slow kisses. You held him through it all, unable to get a proper grip.
But that was fine. Joel could keep you near him without any help.
You suddenly laughed softly against his lips, “It seems like we always shower together, Miller.”
“You complainin’?”
“How could I, especially when you look so good like this?”
“What, wet and naked?”
You put a bit of thought into it, “Yeah, that might be it.”
Joel laughed this time, pecking your lips childishly. He couldn’t get enough of it.
He also couldn’t get enough of how your lips felt on his skin. Pillowy, trailing down his neck and over his collarbone. Joel held the side of your head, refusing to let you go.
Then you went lower.
And lower.
Down his chest and belly and navel, hungry for him in a way he couldn’t keep up.
“Sweetheart, sweetheart,” He tried to dip his head to bring you back up, “Come back to me—”
“But I wanna be down here.”
You were already sinking, knees folding beneath you and your hands sliding down his hips. Joel’s grip on the side of your head tightened for a second. He couldn’t decide whether to haul you back up or just hold on.
“C’mon, baby… you don’t gotta—” His voice came out softer than he meant. Water ran over the places your mouth had just been. “I’d rather have you up here. Don’t need you on your knees for me.”
You looked up at him through the steam, lips already brushing the trail of hair below his navel. “I know you don’t need it. But I want to. Let me take care of you for once.” Your hands stroked slowly up the backs of his thighs. “You were so good to me last night… let me make you feel good too. Please?”
His resolve was crumbling fast, and the way you were looking at him—adoring and a bit wicked—wasn’t helping. It also wasn’t helping that your face was right next to his half-hard cock, looking up at him with the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen.
He exhaled hard through his nose, thumb brushing your wet cheek.
“…Alright,” he muttered, almost shy. “But if your knees start hurtin’, you get up. Deal?”
You smiled against him. “Deal.”
You started slow, testing the waters. Kitten licks that started on his tip and explored the slit right on top. Curiosity about how you could break him pushed you down his shaft, tasting all of him.
Then you had taken him into his mouth, and he knew he had lost.
Lord, he was overwhelmed. The warmth of heated air, constant water, and now your lips wrapped around the base of his cock were going to send him onto a rollercoaster that was too fast. And there wasn’t even anything for him to hold onto; the shower walls far too slippery.
He wasn’t going to last.
He never lasted with you, but it was way worse now.
Your tongue took and took more, tasting, taking your fill. Joel threw his head back, knees suddenly weak and letting out noises he didn’t even know were possible. Your nails were now digging into his thighs, the same ones you had just praised only to claw into.
Joel squeezed his eyes shut, about to moan—
Slap!
He jolted, then groaned when your lips left his cock altogether. You had harshly tapped his thigh. Not enough to hurt, no, but enough to clear up the fog bellowing in his head.
When he looked down, chest heaving, you had a stern look on your face. Your lips were turned downwards into a pout, but he could see the wicked gleam in your eyes. You held a firm grip around him, not letting him go.
“Keep those eyes of yours open, or this stops.”
“I’m tryin’. It’s just been a long time, ‘kay?” He blinked, déjà vu hitting him square over the head.
You giggled, resting your cheek right across his wet thigh. “Doesn’t feel so nice when it's turned onto you, does it?”
The urge to whine was immense, but he kept his cool. “So this is… this is what, payback?”
You hummed, dragging your lips slowly along the thick vein on the underside of his cock. The heat of your mouth and the shower water mixed until he couldn’t tell which was which.
“Maybe a little. You made me work so hard earlier… made me beg.” Your tongue flicked over the head, tasting him, before you pulled back just enough to look up again. Water clung to your lashes. “Figured it was only fair I return the favor.”
Joel’s jaw flexed. “You’re evil, you know that?”
“Mm. And yet you’re still hard as a rock in my hand.” You gave him a slow stroke, and his hips twitched hard against your grip. “Eyes open, Joel. Don’t make me stop.”
He let out a rough breath, forcing his gaze to stay locked on yours even as his brows drew together. Water ran into his eyes; he didn’t bother wiping it away. “Yes, ma’am.”
That earned him a soft laugh.
Then you leaned in and finally took him into your mouth again, sinking until your lips stretched around the thick base. Your tongue dragged along the underside as you started to bob, unhurried and deep.
One hand stayed wrapped around what you couldn’t fit, twisting gently on every upward pull, while the other rested on his thigh, feeling the muscle jump under your palm.
He kept his eyes open for you just like you’d told him. Every time you hollowed your cheeks and sucked harder, a low sound rumbled out of his chest, half-lost in the rush of the shower.
You kept going, and Joel’s control started to fray without him noticing. His hips began to rock forward on their own. Small, instinctive thrusts that pushed him deeper into the wet heat of your mouth.
The first few times he caught himself and tried to still, but the pleasure was too much. Your tongue, the tight seal of your lips, the way you took him so willingly—it pulled more from him than he meant to give.
His hand wrapped around your wet hair. The next thrust went deeper, then even deeper. He was chasing the slick drag of your throat, lost in how good it felt to—
Until you gagged.
The sound snapped him out of it worse than the slap. Joel’s eyes flew wide. He immediately tried to pull back, horror flooding his chest.
“Shit—sweetheart, I’m sorry, I didn’t—”
But you shook your head as best you could with him still on your tongue. The movement was weak, but clear. Your hands stayed on his thighs, holding him there instead of pushing him away.
Permission; clear and quiet.
He’d never done this before, never let himself take your throat like this. The thought alone made his stomach twist with nerves. It felt almost wrong, and so goddamn good he could barely breathe.
But despite those facts, he was now holding your head in place. Then he started to move again.
He kept the first few thrusts shallow, testing, watching your face for any sign of distress. When you only moaned around him and relaxed your throat, something inside him let loose. He pushed deeper, sliding into the fluttering heat of your throat and holding there for a heartbeat before pulling back. Then again. And again. And again.
A broken, awed sound left him. He wasn’t used to this. Wasn’t used to being the center of it all, more willing to give you all the pleasure than to take any for his own. The only time you gave him a blowjob was at his birthday, and that was already a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. Too much for his simple brain, really.
But you were letting him take, encouraging him really. And every time he sank back in, pleasure rolled through him so hard his knees nearly buckled.
Your soft, muffled moans vibrated around his cock, the sound of them only driving him higher. Joel didn’t notice the way one of your hands had slipped between your own thighs, too lost. His own sounds grew into half-moans and half-broken curses spilling out of him between thrusts.
“Fuck… sweetheart—you feel so good. Takin’ me so well… Christ, your throat—”
The pressure built fast, tighter and hotter than he expected. He felt himself tipping over the edge and couldn’t stop it.
“I’m—shit, I’m gonna—” His words dissolved into grateful, breathless muttering. “Thank you… thank you, sweetheart—feels so fuckin’ good—you’re so good to me—”
He kept thrusting through the first thick pulse of his orgasm, then his hips jerked a little too hard. His cock slipped free of your mouth mid-release. Hot ropes of cum striped across your cheek, your lips, the bridge of your nose.
Joel’s eyes flew wide.
“Shit—shit, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—” He kept coming anyway, unable to stop the rest of his load from landing on your face, still apologizing between ragged breaths. “Sweetheart, I didn’t mean to—fuck, I’m sorry—”
But you didn’t pull away. You stayed right there on your knees, eyes open and swallowed in the black of your pupils as he spilled the last of it.
Joel stood frozen, chest heaving, hands still gently cradling your head. Water ran down both of you, diluting the mess on your face, but not too much because his body was covering you from the spray.
For a long moment neither of you spoke.
He just looked at you.
And you looked right back at him.
He broke out of his daze, and nearly tipped over with how gleeful you looked. It didn’t take any strength to lift you, even with how weak he was feeling. Your own legs were like jelly.
Joel kissed you. He didn’t care that he was licking at your sweat or his cum. No, he just needed to let you know how grateful he was for you.
His hands were gentle as he wiped your face clean with warm water and careful thumbs, brushing every streak away until your skin was clear again. You just stood there with that content, goopy little smile, eyes half-lidded and happy, like a cat who’d gotten exactly what it wanted.
Joel let out a breathless, disbelieving laugh against your mouth. “I can’t believe that just happened.”
You hummed, still smiling, and nuzzled into his jaw.
Realization hit him a second later. “Wait… you didn’t come yet.”
His hands settled on your hips, and he started guiding you backward, turning you so your chest pressed to the cool glass of the shower door, his broader body warm against your back. One arm already sliding around your waist, the other starting to drift lower.
“You don’t have to,” you murmured, reaching back to rest a hand on his thigh.
“Yeah, I do,” he insisted, stubborn against your ear. “Ain’t fair if I’m the only one who—”
“No.”
“Sweetheart—”
“Joel.”
He paused, lips still hovering near your temple, gearing up for another round of insistence. That was when you lifted your hand and showed him your fingers: shiny, with soft strings connecting your pointer and middle fingers.
You leaned your head back against his shoulder, that classic smile still on your face.
“Might have taken your lessons and applied them. Helped me beat you to it.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I did.” You shivered like you were reliving the moment. “Seeing you come like that… does something to a woman. I couldn’t help myself.”
Joel’s brows drew together. His mouth tugged down at the corners, pure disbelief mixed with a little pout. “You can’t just—lookin’ at somebody ain’t ‘nough to—”
You scoffed, turning in his arms so your back pressed to the cool glass. “You don’t believe me?”
He hesitated. Joel always believed you, even when it made no sense. Even when it made his ears go a little pink. He exhaled through his nose, “Well… if you say so…”
But you weren’t finished.
While he was still talking, you brought those fingers to your own mouth and slowly sucked them clean. The wet sound of it cut through his rambling. Joel’s eyes dropped to your lips and stayed there, watching every deliberate pull of your tongue. You took your time, making sure he saw the way you savored it.
Then you tapped his bottom lip with one damp fingertip.
Joel frowned.
You tapped harder.
His mouth opened on instinct.
You curled your fingers under his jaw and guided his face down toward yours, closing the height difference until his breath mixed with yours. For a second you just held him there, looking at him.
Then you parted your lips and spat, a warm string of saliva landing directly on his tongue.
Joel’s whole body went still.
He should’ve been startled. Should’ve pulled back or laughed it off. Spitting in someone’s mouth wasn’t something he’d ever asked for or done, wasn’t something he’d ever thought he’d want.
But the second he could taste it—your slick, your spit… hell, even a bit of his own cum—something low and hot twisted in his gut.
The intimacy of it.
The filth of it.
The fact that it was you doing it to him.
His eyelids fluttered. An involuntary sound caught in his throat because his cock, which should have been half-soft, was now getting hard all over again. He’d never bounced back so quickly in his life.
You giggled, “Now do you believe me?”
“I… I…”
“What is it, baby?”
“Yes… yes, I believe you…” He murmured, burying his face in your neck after swallowing.
Your nails traced his spine, holding him in your arms. “Though… I’m not against you making me come a second time. A redemption. Outside this shower and after we properly clean off. I think we’ve been here for over thirty minutes. Oh, and we should eat something real quick. And pick out a movie.”
Joel smiled even though you couldn’t see it. “Let’s just stay here for a bit.”
“You’re forgetting it’s my water bill at stake. Plus, I thought you were always so money-conscious.”
“Forgive me if I want some rest from the best fuckin’ thirty minutes of my life.”
That earned him a light smack between his shoulder blades. He pulled back, and suddenly, your face was flushed, and he was sure it wasn’t from the steam. “Joel Miller, you dirty dog! Don’t lie, I only sucked you off.”
“You’re all shy now! After you just spit in my—”
“Shush, shush!” You covered your face, squirming as he tried to get a look at your face. “I was lost in the moment!”
The laugh that went through his chest and echoed out into the bathroom was full and heavy. He liked seeing you shy, liked seeing you flit back into reality. It was hard for him to catch you off guard, and it was oh-so cute when he did.
“Could you—and I’m askin’ this with all the love in my heart—get lost in it ‘gain?”
“Pervert!”
“Look who’s talkin’.”
❛ ━━━━･❪ 🎕 ❫ ･━━━━ ❜
You readjusted your purse, picked up the pink asymmetrical top from the rack, then held it up to Joel’s face.
“How do you think she would like this?”
He raised an eyebrow and adjusted his glasses. “You really wanna know what I’m thinkin’?”
Crossing your arms, you rolled your eyes, “I was asking how Sarah would feel, not her thirty-six-year-old dad.”
Joel hummed in consideration. His fingers ran through the rack of clothing, all different variations of the one you were holding up. Blues, yellows, pinks, and greys. The shopping bags on both of his arms swung around.
The entire store was mostly empty—thanks to holidays still being in full swing—with only a couple of restockers working around you both. Some pop song played on the speakers above your head.
Lunch had been good. Great, really. It was like a proper date without a proper title. He had pulled out your chair, ordered exactly what you liked because he already knew, and paid for every bit of it even though you fought back with your own card.
And of course, he had won.
Now, you both were wandering store to store, picking out things that everyone back home would like. You had already finished up shopping for Tommy, Raymond, and your dad. They were really easy to shop for. Lorraine had been a bit harder, but you had managed.
“Well, I ain’t really keen on her wearing shirts this short—”
“Oh please, don’t act like you didn’t see me wearing worse.”
“Different.” He plucked the shirt from your hand, tucking it under his arm. “My daughter versus the woman I love.”
“And yet you’d still get it for her.” You smirked.
“Yeah, well, I know she’d like it.” Without a single complaint, he turned sharp and walked to another rack you had been eyeing. You huffed, spotting the graphic t-shirt Joel was eyeing.
You picked out a style you thought she would like—a graphic of the Spice Girls when they were still together—and a couple more. All of it was piled into Joel’s arms, and he silently followed you.
You and him made your way to the denim section. Jeans, shorts, and skirts all hung off the walls. You picked out what Joel pointed to as her size, and soon, his whole chest was covered by teenage girl clothes.
As usual, your usual fight over who would pay ensued, with you winning because Joel’s hands were tied up by bags that whacked him every time he tried to reach for his wallet. You happily paid for it all, too glad with Joel’s displeasure.
The streets of New York City were the same as the store. At least, the best it could be for one of the busiest cities in the world after New Year’s. Even the streets were as clogged with beeping cars and their angry drivers.
You looked down at the new bag in Joel’s arms. “I’ll call my driver and have him take the bags from us. Won’t take him too long.”
Joel looked like he completely hated the idea. “It seems like we’re… we’re inconveniencin’ the man. I could just carry ‘em.”
You were already pulling out your phone, dialing your driver’s number. “I want to show you a lot of the city today. You can’t do that with all those bags in your arms.”
“It feels wron’ though.” He came to stand right by your side. “Y’know, havin’ someone do all this drivin’ when I could just take ‘em with us.”
“Do you want to?” You asked him honestly. Your finger hovered over the call button. “I mean, I’m not against you carrying it all, but I don’t want your arms to ache.”
Joel pressed his lips together. His eyes flickered around with guilt. You knew him better than the back of your hand. Being served was never something he was used to. Whether it be in your own relationship or in the real world, Joel always had put himself last, but now you were giving him everything he needed to be first.
Though he eventually nodded. That was all you needed to press call and tell your driver your location. Once you got the confirmation that he was coming, you cut the call and pocketed the phone.
You bumped your shoulder, tilting him off balance slightly. “You should be excited. I’m taking you somewhere special.”
Joel looked down at you, “Where you takin’ me, huh? Spoilin’ me so much.”
“I know, right? Taking you shopping, having a date, giving you morning head seems like a lot—”
He choked, slapping his chest to get out his spit from his throat. “We’re—we’re in public!”
You looked around, faking a scandalized expression. You placed your hand on your heart as if the stress was putting strain on it. “Really?! You think anyone heard me?!”
“Tryin’ to be funny, ain’t ya?” Joel gave you an exasperated look. “Says the same woman who was so flustered after our shower that you couldn’t look at me properly.”
You hated how a flush crept up to your cheeks, “That was—that wasn’t—”
“See? Don’t dish out what you can’t take.” He shrugged.
“Oh, I’ll dish out something for you to—”
Before you could finish your colorful sentence, a familiar black car had pulled up. Luckily, your penthouse was close to this side of the city. Joel waved down the car, stepping forward to greet the driver and push everything into the backseat. They spoke some more words before the driver took off.
You fidgeted with the zipper of your purse while he came back to stand in front of you, hands stuffed deep into his pockets to combat the cold.
“Now, you goin’ tell me where we’re headin’, or is this ‘posed to be a mystery?”
You smiled and clasped your hands behind your back, already walking toward the direction you had memorized long ago. Together, you both matched each other’s paces, conquering block after block while leaning toward each other naturally.
“How about you try figuring it out?”
“‘Gain, tryin’ to be funny.”
“Hey, but you—” You point straight at his face, “—are the one who is constantly listening to what I have to say.”
Joel blinked, eyes going slightly crossed as he stared at your fingertip. A heavy look of concern washed over his face, and before you could ask him what happened, he already had your hand in his grasp. “Your fingers are freezin’. You forgot your gloves.”
You glanced down at your bare hands. “Huh, must not have remembered them…”
He seemed offended about that statement. “Here, lemme give you my gloves. Might be too big but it’s better than nothin’—”
“You seem to forget I’ve dealt with thirteen years of New York Winters.” You said it with a twinge of pride as you both stepped down a curb and crossed the road, you on his left side. “You know how many times I’ve rushed to class in my thinnest jacket because my other one was in a washing machine?”
“That ain’t what’s happenin’ here, is it?” Joel retorted. “Now, you got the chance to be warm.”
“Well, I’m not letting you lose your fingers.”
“I ain’t either.”
Stubbornly, you both glared at each other. It was only when Joel relented by huffing and turning his face away. You thought you had won, smiling smugly. You tilted your nose up with pride until you noticed Joel had gone silent. You looked back and…
He wasn’t walking anymore.
Instead, Joel was cursing and moving his hands faster than you could track. He was standing closer to the buildings, not blocking the way of traffic.
You groaned, spinning on your heels to walk back over to him. “Don’t be too mad that I found a way to dodge your chivalrous attempts to be a—”
But before you could finish, you noticed him taking off his left glove. You tried to stop him, but he had already reached and taken your wrist, pulling your whole body against his side as he took your left hand and shoved it into the warm embrace of the fabric.
Then, your right hand was shoved into his jacket pocket, with his own bare left hand joining yours. Joel’s fingers took up most of the space in the pocket. They were thick and broad and hard, a tell-tale sign of his years of hard work. And those same fingers gracefully wrapped around yours, warming you up.
You blinked at him, and he at you.
Suddenly, his hand was nothing compared to how hot your face was getting. “Ah—well, your hands are really warm.”
“You’re just now findin’ out ‘bout that?” Joel was the one who looked prideful.
You clenched your teeth, resuming your walking, but you couldn’t stop yourself from squeezing his hand back.
Together—hand in hand—you traversed the city once more.
You guided him through the crowded sidewalks, weaving between tourists and locals alike. Joel didn’t question anything, his thumb occasionally brushing over your knuckles inside the pocket. Every so often he’d glance at you, trying to figure out what you were up to but was content to let you lead.
By the time the buildings started thinning, and the air grew sharper with salt, your excitement was nearly impossible to hide. You pulled him down the final stretch, the low roar of the water and the distant horns of boats growing louder with every step.
When you finally stopped near the large glass building, you slipped your hand free and turned to face him. Joel raised a brow.
“Close your eyes.”
He hesitated for half a second, then obeyed, a small, amused smile tugging at his mouth. “You’re really committed to this surprise, huh?”
“Shh.” You carefully covered his eyes with your hands just to be sure, then started guiding him forward. Joel stumbled once, then again, his free hand reaching out blindly until it found your waist.
“Easy, sweetheart,” he muttered, “Can’t see a damn thin’.”
Whitehall Terminal was grand and large, with the words Staten Island emboldened over the front entrance. At night, you knew they glowed blue, but in the day it was turned off. Fewer people than usual entered the building, but the majority of them were tourists. You could tell by the numerous cameras clicking and the ‘I ❤︎ NY’ shirts.
You took Joel toward the wall so he wouldn’t get bumped into. You tried to see the expression on his face even though it was covered. “You ready?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
And with that, you peeled your hands off his face. Joel squinted, adjusting to the light, but they widened when he saw the building. His eyes darted over everything. More so, he tilted his head when he heard
“What is this?”
You stepped around him, clasping your hands behind your back, your purse hitting the back of your thighs. “This place? Whitehall Terminal.”
“A terminal for…?”
“A ferry! The Staten Island Ferry.” You waved your hand toward the sign like he couldn’t see it. “It’ll take us over the Hudson River, and we can see the skyline of the city. Plus, I don’t think you’ve seen the Statue of Liberty up close.”
“I haven’t seen the statue so close.” He said with an awe-struck tone.
“Exactly! Which is why…” You took his hand with both your clothed and unclothed hands. You dragged him toward the entrance. “… you’re going to love this.”
“How much are the tickets?” Joel asked. “I can pay you—”
“Nice try, but this is a free ride.”
You and Joel slipped through the doors and into the large lobby. The chatter echoed throughout the room, bouncing off the windows. You could see the Hudson River, the city, and the Atlantic Ocean stretching throughout the view.
“Do you like it?”
You and Joel slipped through the doors into the wide, echoing lobby. Voices bounced off the tall windows and polished floors—families laughing, tourists pointing, the low rumble of announcements over the intercom. Beyond the glass, the Hudson stretched out gray and restless, the city skyline rising sharp against the late light, and farther still the open water that would carry you toward the Atlantic.
“Do you like it?”
He didn’t answer right away. His gaze lingered on the water, then the distant silhouette of the Statue of Liberty standing green and solitary against the horizon.
“Yeah… I do.” A disbelieving shake of his head. “I’ve only seen the pictures of her. Feels different standin’ here ‘stead of just starin’ at a screen.”
You watched the way the light caught the lines around his eyes, the way his shoulders had eased just a fraction. Then you reached into your purse and pulled out the small silver camera you’d been carrying all day. It was compact, and a little scuffed from use.
“Can I take your picture? With the view behind you.”
Joel’s eyebrows lifted. “Me? Sweetheart, I ain’t exactly camera quality.”
“Please?”
He huffed, but he didn’t argue further. He walked over to the window, planted himself in front of the glass, and stood there like he was waiting for a mug shot. His shoulders square, arms stiff at his sides, and expression carefully neutral.
You lifted the camera and peered through the viewfinder. He looked so formal. The same awkwardness you’d always known was there, only more apparent under the bright lobby lights and the open space around him.
“Be more natural,” you said, lowering the camera a little. “Just… just relax.”
Joel tried. The corner of his mouth twitched upward into a smile that came out crooked, uneven, like he wasn’t sure where to put it. It made the whole pose somehow worse.
You frowned. “You know what? Go back to glaring.”
The crooked attempt vanished. His face settled back into the familiar, slightly stern expression he wore most days. It was still posed, still careful, but it was him. The camera clicked softly. You lowered it and looked at him over the top of the viewfinder, something warm and private curling in your chest.
“Lemme take me one of you.” Joel insisted, stepping toward you and holding out his hand. You placed it there, and swapped places with him.
You readjusted your hair, fixed your clothes, and looked back at Joel. His eyes were covered by the camera, but you could see his mouth slightly open. You cocked an eyebrow, “How do I look?”
“Beautiful…” The camera clicked repeatedly, with Joel constantly adjusting how he was positioned. He bent his knees, lifted himself higher, went to the right, then the left. He wanted that perfect angle.
You laughed at the sight, eyes closed. “You’re putting so much effort into this. I took one picture of you.”
“I got experience.” Joel said while he flipped the camera into a vertical view, “Teenage daughter with her teenage friends? Gives me the best trainin’ possible. Plus, if it means I get to take some of these pictures home with me…”
“Souvenirs?”
“Mhm…”
“Well, at least we should take a picture together.”
Joel poked his head out, then nodded hard. “We can do that.” He came to stand right by you, pressed up to your right. The camera was placed a bit higher than his head, the silver gleaming before your face.
His picture-ready smile—just as awkward as before—was plastered on his face. You looked up at him, at how his jaw was scruffy and thick. Despite how stiff he was, the twinkle in his eyes was so apparent. It was so easy looking at him.
You couldn’t help it: you leaned up and kissed his cheek. You didn’t care that it was blurring the picture. You wanted him to know exactly how you felt.
Joel’s breath staggered a bit, but the clicking didn’t stop. In fact, it got a bit faster. The only reason you were pulled back was that his face turned to meet your lips. Quick pecks were exchanged, and you both laughed. Yours was light, while his was a deep rumble in his chest.
You pulled back, grinning wide, “Liked that?”
But before he could answer, the intercom lit up:
The two-thirty PM Staten Island Ferry is now boarding. Please make your way to the gate, and make sure you have all your belongings.
You looked around, spotting everyone heading forward. You glanced back at Joel, who hadn’t stopped staring at you. “We should head out now.”
“Yes ma’am.” He said with a soft tone.
Together you moved with the thin crowd through the gate and into the long, slightly echoing tunnel that led down to the slip. The air grew cooler, carrying the stronger scent of river water and diesel.
At the end of it, the orange ferry waited, its white railings bright against the gray water. You climbed the stairs two at a time, Joel, right behind you, until you spilled out onto the upper deck.
Your chest was heaving a little from the rush when you finally reached the starboard railing. The view opened up clean and wide—no more glass between you and the water—just open air and the city stretching out behind you. The Statue of Liberty stood clearer now.
Joel rested his forearms on the rail beside yours, shoulders brushing. For a moment neither of you spoke. The deck under your feet vibrated faintly as the last of the boarding passengers settled in. There weren’t many; the boat felt almost quiet.
Then the engines deepened their hum, the ropes were cast off, and the ferry began to ease away from the dock, sliding out into the open water of the harbor.
For a long moment, neither you nor Joel said a word. You didn’t want to anyway. You’d rather enjoy the moment in silence with him. Plus, you could enjoy the view on your own.
The skyline rose in layers of steel and glass, catching the afternoon light. You let your eyes travel across it, naming the shapes without thinking.
There was the Empire State Building, tall and steady near the center, its antenna still catching the sun. A little to the right and lower, the Chrysler Building’s distinctive crown glittered, Art Deco edges sharp even from this distance.
Closer to the water’s edge you could pick out the Woolworth Building’s Gothic spire, and farther south the cluster of lower Manhattan towers that framed the open space where the Twin Towers had once stood.
You didn’t say the last part out loud. You just watched the light move across the remaining skyline, the way the buildings seemed to lean into one another against the wide gray of the river.
Joel’s arm brushed yours on the railing. He wasn’t looking at the city; rather, he was looking at you.
“Thank you.” That was all he said.
“For what?”
“For brinin’ me out here.” You nudged your head toward the skyline. “I told you I wanted to travel, see the world. I never thought New York would be the first stop.”
“I told you then, you deserve it, Joel. Disney World, Grand Canyon, Northern Lights, Pacific Coast Highway… you’re going to see it all.”
Joel shook his head, lowering it. His hair was tussled in the wind. “The city seems like a good start.”
“An amazing start. And we barely scratched the surface.” You wistfully looked up at the sky. “There are so many restaurants it would take years to get through them all.”
“We gotta start tonight then. Me, you, some hole in the wall. And I’ll be payin’ for it this time.”
“If you could get your wallet out fast enough.”
Joel chuckled, “Maybe you could just leave your purse at home, then. You’re too quick for me.”
“Again, I’m saying you’re getting a bit too old.” You pushed him with your shoulder. “Think it's time for me to take care of you.”
“Don’t you start with that.” He pointed a bare finger at you. “I’m takin’ care of you for the rest of our lives.”
You blinked at him. “Really?”
“‘Course I am.” He seemed offended. “I’mma take care of you forever.”
“We won’t live that long.”
Joel looked at you through his lashes. “Y’know what I mean. Can’t imagine a world where you’re not by my side, and I’m not takin’ care of you. I know you can take care of yourself—you prove that every day—but it's the little thin’s.”
You tilted your head toward him. “What little things?”
“Drivin’ you to work, watchin’ Friends ‘til midnight while we talk, helpin’ you with your hair… those litte thin’s.”
“Hm… and do you think we won’t have that anymore?”
“If that’s what you want. You said… you said yesterday that you were thinkin’ ‘bout the stuff that comes ‘fore datin’. Then we’d go back to boyfriend and girlfriend.”
“I want to give us more time before we just jump back into a relationship. That’s what we did last time, and that didn’t really… well, you know how that ended. It was a huge rush.” You shook your head and brushed hair off your face. “But I don’t know how that will all work. I mean… you leave in two days, Joel.”
“I know.”
“And when will… when will it be the next time that we see each other?”
He looked away. “I don’t know.”
You pressed your lips together, trying to keep your emotions in check. “And we have whole lives without each other. Me here with work and all the late nights with them. You with the company and Sarah. Just how it was for thirteen years but with us trying to be something more.”
“Y’know…” Joel ran his gloved thumb over his bare knuckles, “For those years, that’s all I wanted. For us to be on good terms even though we were time zones apart. I think I would’ve found courage by then, fixed myself sooner, asked you out sooner. In fact, my whole life would’ve been way different.
“So I don’t want to go back home with doubts. I don’t want to think ‘bout a life where I get back on that plane, and we go nowhere. ‘Cause like it or not, I don’t see myself with anyone else.”
“Joel…” You reached forward, placing a hand on his.
“And y’know ‘causal’ and me don’t work. I’m too fucked up for that. We had sex. Multiple times, in fact, while we’re not datin’. You kissed me too. So it’s either… all or nothin’. I either can’t have you or I’ll will.”
You stared at him, at the emotion on his face. Joel was at his most vulnerable, on this bright orange ferry that was carrying so many. You bit your lip, that same rawness spilling out. “I don’t want to be in the middle. I want all or nothing too.”
“That’s good. We’re on the same page.”
“But how?” You asked honestly.
“What do the kids all it… long-distance?”
You snorted, but it was wet. “You want to long-distance date me?”
“I wanna keep workin’ on fixin’ us for a month or two, then ask you to be my girlfriend. It would be… over the phone, I guess. I would be glued to the thin’.”
He tried to laugh, but not even you could find the humor in it. “And if it doesn’t.”
“It will,” Joel said it with such surety that it shocked you. “If there was one thin’ I could get in this life—one thin’ for sure—I would want ‘nother chance with you. And I sure as hell wouldn’t let it go.”
You flipped around, pressing your back to the railing so that you were facing toward the deck. “I wouldn’t waste it either. I want that life with you, Joel.”
“And I don’t expect you to give up anythin’ for us. Your career, your money, your home here, I don’t want you to lose what makes you you. Our relationship is ‘posed to add to your life, not take away from it.”
You smiled, closing your eyes in bliss. It felt good having him put down that fear before you could even spiral about it. It wasn’t too long ago that men fell for successful women, but then expected them to become mothers and wives. To give up everything they had worked for just for marriage.
But not Joel. No, he wanted you to flourish with him. He wanted to support you. You always knew that, but having it said out loud was satisfying to no end.
“So we’ll try?” You turned your face toward him.
“We’ll try.”
You both went back to the silence. The rush of the river below took up all the space. Coming closer, the Statue of Liberty with her torch waved you closer. The broken shackles on her feet spoke volumes about how you felt many times in this city.
You felt like that now, with Joel here.
Broken free from the fears of the past with Joel.
With Joel.
❛ ━━━━･❪ 🎕 ❫ ･━━━━ ❜
“You’ll call me as soon as you land.”
“I swear it.”
“And you have everything, right?” You pulled back just enough to do a quick scan of Joel. “Backpack, phone, wallet, new suitcase I got you—”
“Which I’m still incredibly grateful for. You didn’t need to buy me one, sweetheart”
“—with all the things we bought for everyone… you should be good then.”
Joel smiled, tilting his head. “Thank you for the checkup. Now, kiss me ‘fore I head out.”
You didn’t need to be told twice. Not a single lick of shame existed in your body in the middle of that airport as you leaned up and left a million kisses on his lips. The intercoms blared over your head, stating flight changes and cancellations, and people moved more than usual for John F. Kennedy International Airport.
January fourth had come far too quickly. Far too fast for you to keep track of. You had meant to soak up as much time as you could with him, but it slipped by your fingers. Days spent waking up late with him, hours getting ready and finally heading outside to sightsee. You finally put your days off to good use; spending the holidays with the one that meant the most.
It was pitch black outside—Joel had, of course, picked the latest flight so he could spend the most time with you—so much so that the snow wasn’t visible. You both took a cab, and you held his hand the whole time while your foot thudded against the floorboard. He sat eerily still and quiet, just watching the buildings turn into runways.
Of course, only Joel Miller could find calm in flying back home after deciding to go long-distance. You barely did relationships, and now the man you just got back with was flying back home. Alone.
You pulled off his lips to fix his jacket collar. “And if there isn’t enough leg room, or they aren’t doing something fast enough, you call me. I can arrange for a private jet to take you home in about an hour, just say the word.”
“Are you… are you babyin’ me ‘cause this is my second time flyin’?”
“Of course I am!” You huffed. “I hate how you flew for the first time alone. And for me. The least I can do is make sure you’re comfortable.”
“Y’know I would do it ‘gain, right?” He tilted his head down, forcing you to look into your eyes while you were too focused. “I need you to know that.”
Joel’s hands found the expanse of your back. They slipped underneath your jacket and rubbed soothing circles against the fabric of your shirt. Looking up at him, you sighed in relief. “I do know that; it’s just… I get worried, is all.”
“Hmm… well, I don’t think the plane is goin’ down. They gotta have built it properly—”
You smack his chest slightly harder than you normally would. “That’s not something to joke about.”
“I’m sorry.” To make it up to you, he kissed your bare face, moving alongside your hairline and stopping between your eyebrows. “I won’t talk like that.”
“Good. Especially since it’ll be a while before I see you…” You paused, biting your bottom lip. “I’m going to miss you so fucking much.”
“I will too.”
“No, not just that.” Gripping the front of his shirt, you buried your face into his neck. “It’ll be hard. Work, Sarah, everything… I know we talked. We talked all night. But I still can’t wrap my head around the fact you’re about to be almost two thousand miles away from me. Willingly too. I’m willingly letting you go too.”
“Seems like torture for the both of us.”
“Oh, if you only knew. I’d move you here. I’d take Sarah and everyone and give them a fresh start here. School would be good for Sarah, Benji, and Kevin. Business would work great for you and Tommy, and I have connections to get Maria a job. My dad would get amazing care here. Hell, even my mama could find a better facility. Add your own mama and dad on the plan, and we’re set.”
“But you can’t.”
Defeat washed over you. “I can’t.”
“But what you can do—” Joel moved so that your chin was in his hand and he was making you look up, “—is be the amazin’, strong woman I know. Hold down half of our fort here while I manage the other half there. I’ll call you as soon as I land, and we’ll fix up a schedule for when we’ll call.”
“Alright…”
“And I’ll still be vistin’ you. This ain’t gonna be those thirteen years or the last two months. I’ll fly here every once in a while to see you. And you’ll come back home too.”
“Promise?” Your eyes gleamed with hope you didn’t know you could possess.
Joel never looked more sure in his life. “I promise.”
You hugged Joel, trying to keep him as close as possible. He breathed in your scent, pressing his mouth on your head. Whether he was kissing you or just holding on, you couldn’t tell, but you didn’t care either. At least he was close.
You would miss him.
You would miss his presence pushed up against you in the bed while he practically lay on top of you. You would miss how he held onto you no matter where you both went. You would miss his listening ear that always gave you another side to discussions you hadn’t considered.
You would miss how he could sharpen or soften you in any moment. You would miss his laugh when it was unrestrained. You would miss the twinkle in his eyes when he talked about the things he loved. You would miss how he loved with his whole being.
You would miss him.
“I’mma miss you so, so much, sweetheart.” Joel’s voice was muffled. “I don’t know how I’m gonna sleep at night. I barely did when you were away.”
“If you keep talking like this, I’m not going to be able to let you go.”
“Is it bad I’m ‘bout to start encouragin’ you?”
When you looked back at him, his eyes were shiny. Unable to see him like that, you tutted and wiped right underneath his eyes, messing up his glasses. He was forced to close one eye with how hard you were pressing into his skin.
You tried to hold your own composure, refusing to let Joel feel your own sadness. But he caught on, brushing at the corner of your own eyes. You suddenly felt the wetness there, not realizing you had let a tear slip.
“No tears. Be the stron’ one, sweetheart.” Joel said, just in time for the intercom overhead to announce his flight number. You and him jerked back just enough to listen, until it disappeared. Joel looked back at you, “Seems like… like that’s me.”
“It is.”
You both stared at each other before smashing your lips tight together. Joel’s suitcase was forgotten by his side, both his hands locked over your body.
“Tryin’ to—mwah!—get as many kisses as I get. So it’ll last me ‘til I see you next time.” He reasoned.
It took force to get him moving. It took too much strength, too, physically and mentally. You pulled back your lips from his. “You have to go, you can’t be late.”
“I know, I know…” Joel trailed off, “... just one more hug?”
You scoffed, “As if you have to ask.”
You hugged him tight one more time, running your fingers over his nape to try and feel the baby curls there. Joel was huffing, clearly trying to smell your perfume and shampoo.
Once again, it was you who pulled away. It was you who cleared your throat, composed yourself, and grabbed his suitcase before it could get knocked away by traffic. “Go, go Joel. You’re gonna miss it.”
“Y’think they’ll hold the plane for one more kiss…?”
“Go!” But you give it to him either way, tasting salt.
Joel stepped away from you. It hurt, watching him inch further and further away while throwing glances back at you. Then, he was taking full steps through the crowd, weaving his way to security. He joined the line of bored people waiting their turn, but he looked anything but bored. All he could do was crane his neck to find you so far away.
You waited the whole time as he made his way through. Even though the heater was on, you wrapped your arms around yourself, shivering from his lack of warmth.
Joel was scanned down; his luggage went through the sensors, and nothing happened. Everything went as smoothly as it could, and soon, he was putting his shoes on and grabbing all his belongings from the bins that had reached the end of the belt.
Your heart was in your throat, and your hands inched up to wave him goodbye.
There was no way he would see you. He needed to focus on finding that gate, and he needed to focus on not being nervous.
But Joel always had his way of surprising you.
He whipped his head around, and through the sea of people, his eyes were locked into yours. His whole arm shook as he waved back. Though you couldn’t see his face, you knew he was smiling.
You waved back, and it took you brushing your hand to tell him to ‘go’ for him to shake his head and listen.
Joel disappeared behind the wall, and all that was left was you standing alone.
You stood there awkwardly for a couple of seconds. People had to scoot around you, muttering ‘excuse mes’, but you didn’t make a move. You waited a bit longer before sighing and turning, heading back for the doors.
The cold air bit at your cheeks, much harsher with the darkness’ help. All around you, life was moving with such haste it was a heavy contrast to you. Cars buzzed through the lane, suitcases and backpacks stood on top of snow, and breath from people lifted to the air.
It didn’t take you long to wave down a cab. The first one that came to you was a bit beat up, but it would work. You got inside, saying short greetings to the driver and giving your address.
The cab was quick to get through the heavy traffic, getting out of the airport grounds and back into the New York City streets. You watched the city through the windows, that feeling of loneliness becoming your friend once more.
Though you didn’t last too long.
Your phone buzzed. You felt it in your pocket. Wiping your eyes, you pulled it out and flipped it open. You frowned, noticing Joel’s name was glowing in the dark.
Worried consumed you. Did something happen already? You thumbed through all the different screens until you finally logged into your chat with him:
[JOEL]: Made it to my gate.
[JOEL]: It was close by.
[JOEL]: [photo]
The picture was clear; him standing awkwardly in front of the windows that showed glowing runways and planes. His own flight was parked right outside, maintenance working on it. Joel wore a neutral expression with a small smile. He never was the type for set-up pictures. You only got his real smile when it was candid.
Your heart slowed down, enough to where you could type back.
[YOU]: Handsome.
[YOU]: You look very handsome in those glasses.
Your camera flashed, slightly blinding you as you sent back a picture. When you looked, you could see the faint redness of your eye and the flush of your nose. You still managed to smile for him.
You sent it.
His response was immediate.
[JOEL]: You’re underestimating how strong my willpower is.
[JOEL]: Please don’t cry.
[JOEL]: Not over me.
[YOU]: Have I told you how much I’m going to miss you?
[JOEL]: You have.
[JOEL]: I’ll miss you more.
[YOU]: Impossible.
[YOU]: If they wouldn’t tackle me to the floor, I’d rush through security and find your gate and kiss you.
[JOEL]: You think I wouldn’t do that too?
[JOEL]: I’m this close to leaving my stuff here and walking back to your penthouse, and get some frostbite while I’m at it.
[YOU]: Sarah would never let you live with the fact you got frostbite over me.
[JOEL]: Then at least she’d know what true love is.
You laughed.
You hoped he was laughing too.
But you couldn’t hold onto it for too long. Not when your heart was breaking yet was so full. Like a dam, fracturing and falling apart completely.
[YOU]: I love you
[JOEL]: I love you too, sweetheart.
[JOEL]: Make sure you eat something for dinner that isn’t that takeout crap.
[JOEL]: You should have some leftovers from yesterday in the fridge.
[JOEL]: And don’t sit by the phone too much and get some sleep.
[JOEL]: Even when I do land, I know it’ll be late for you, and I don’t want you up all night
[YOU]: How are you going a whole time zone away and still finding ways to baby me?
[YOU]: Only you could have a skill like that.
[JOEL]: Only for you.
[YOU]: Cheeseball.
[JOEL]: Is that my new nickname?
[JOEL]: I like it.
[YOU]: Do I get a new nickname?
[JOEL]: Honey, sweetie, babe, dear.
[JOEL]: Want me to go on?
[YOU]: Actually, I think sweetheart is the only one for me.
[JOEL]: Then, ‘sweetheart’, you’ll keep being.
There was a long pause before his next text was sent:
[JOEL]: We’re boarding now, I have to go.
Your heart leapt into your throat as you typed:
[YOU]: Alright, just make sure you don’t forget anything.
[JOEL]: Already padded myself down to make sure I got everything.
[JOEL]: And remember what I said.
[JOEL]: If you’re tired, go to bed.
[JOEL]: I can still call you in the morning; your sleep matters to me.
[YOU]: Is it weird I miss your nitpicking as well
A beat of no response, then something.
[JOEL]: Not really, no.
[JOEL]: Cause you wouldn’t want it any other way, you love it
[YOU]: That is true.
[YOU]: I love you, and your nitpicking.
I feel like I'm playing with dolls and making them kiss every time I write smut LMAO. But, about damn time these two have their way with each other!!
i love petty grievances, and i’m glad joel being petty led to that hot smut, but I truly would’ve left his grumbling ass in the grocery store and sat in the car. 😭😭
Oh the only reason he got away with any of that was cause he’s cute when he pouts!! And the fact he knows how to play the game right… tehehe
I can see T&C Joel secretly jamming out to Destiney child or Britney Spears… 🤫
Karaoke with Joel??
He is the dad of a teenager in the 2000’s… yeah he’s been dragged as chaperone for a couple of concerts for the SEDJS (Sarah, Ellie, Dina, Jesse Squad).
He says he hates it but he’s been spotted singing making breakfast. Sc had too many tales!
THEY GOT BACK TOGETHER?? oh miss fleart, i've missed SO much of the plot
i stopped reading around the time SC got to new york bcs i've been dealing with some bullshit in my life and now i find out that they've finally got back together 😭
i gotta get back into reading i miss your writing so so much <33
I DIDN’T MEAN TO SPOIL ANYTHING I’M SO SORRY MY LOVE!!
And I’m SO SO happy your life is coming together. I know that must be a great weight off your shoulder and you deserve to feel relaxed. t&c will always be here so feel free to pick up or leave whenever you need to. Your life matters much more than my silly fic!!
hello flearty marty party i was rereading t&c and i just gotta say the dream part in chapter 12 is written so good with how its feels so surreal and hallucinatory (??) in the parts where sc is talking to joel in different ages like i dont even know how to describe it but i just had to say that was spectacular wow
AWWW NONNIE, thank you so much. Doing dream sequences are so interesting to me, because it’s going into the mind of said character!
Joel during Chapter 19 (cause that’s when we start getting Joel’s POV) and that time was super not mentally good. My baby boy was going through it and subconsciously it reflected that! That means the world to me, my love ❤️❤️
blurb - It's 1888, and Joel Miller should be happy he's going to get all that comes with being a son of one of Texas's top ranchers, but he isn't. His true happiness is the girl across the stream, everything he wants. You have everything any girl could want. However, what you want most is to inherit your dad's ranching company, but you know that isn't your future. So, you find your trips to the stream enlightening—that and the man whom you know you can't be spotted with. You both know what the consequences of being caught are, but you can't stay away. Not when a life you'd both never known is possible.
warnings - nsfw, mdni 18+, historical AU, rancher au, forbidden romance, established relationship, happy ending, warring families, angst, fluff, yearning, virginity loss, blood, violence, period-typical misogeny (NOT from Joel), toxic purity culture, controlling father, physical abuse, beating till near death, grief over mothers, sneaking around, biting kink, creampie (don’t try this at home), bitter-sweet ending
