KNOWING Y

Ysabella Tolentino | 24 | Biologist | Your future MD Watch out for random posts about the crappy and happy side of my life. Basically about anything under the sun. IG: ysambtolentino

[foreverweirdough]

Reasons Why I Took A Break From Social Media

Hello, Tumblr! Yes, I'm back.

It was the longest 2 days of my life.

Refraining myself from checking my phone. It was hard for me at first, of course. I kept attempting to look at the notifications on both Facebook and Instagram, where I am most active almost every second of every day that passes by.

I almost did. But I didn't. I held back.

Surprisingly, it's quite relaxing because I got to binge watch those TV series (KDramas, Netflix series, etc.) I've been dying to watch, and at the same time, I was able to think things through. I was able to contemplate about life and how everything has been ever since I started my med life journey in MMC. It was quite refreshing that I was able to spend those few days with just being at home, sleeping the whole day, being myself, and not minding about what I should do (Acads) and not having the obligation to answer questions like, "Anong coverage ng exam bukas sa ResPro?" "Kelan final exams?" "Dyan na si Doc/ Doc there?" (#LODuties)

To make this shorter, if someone might be wondering as to why I left the world of social media for a few days, here's why.

1. To de-stress. Yes, I was overwhelmed with a lot of responsibilities in my hands at school and at home to the point where I've had emotional breakdowns while strolling in a mall (I always pass through a mall as the train station is connected to it) probably because it was too heavy to bear in my heart especially when I fail to meet the expectations of some people around me. I just thought that it would give me some time to un-load those hard feelings, and I thought that taking a break from social media is the best solution to achieve it. Yes, I admit that I am a pleaser and I am sorry to disappoint you.

2. I am in need of self-care. Because my responsibilities (mentioned above) requires me to think of others first before myself most of the time (E.g: Texting my professor for the coverage of exams/schedule for the next meeting and announcing it to my batchmates, doing my part in our group activities and assignments, doing my part in the house chores before going to sleep), I thought that now is the perfect time for me to take care of myself because we only have one week of vacation before returning to #MedLife.

3. To forget. You know, about anything that could hurt not only me but also those people who loves me no matter what. To forget about those feelings that I shouldn't feel for the sake of those who I love.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

-Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

To those who might be reading this without me knowing about it, you may think I am being too immature, but if I did not do this, things might get worse for me, for my health physically, mentally and emotionally. If you understand, thank you. If you don't get me about what I did and what I felt, it's okay. No one does. Even my family sometimes doesn't get it and I understand.

Thank you for giving a few of your time. I mean it.

And if it was a waste of your time, I sincerely apologize. I will get better. I will be honest about my feelings. I will not mind what others think of me and will take good care of myself, from now on.

Keep going and smile!

All the love,

Ysa.

[foreverweirdough]

06-06

Here we go again. Two days before my birthdate.

Just waiting for this suffering to end.

Waiting for my day to end.

Two years ago. On my birthday.

My family and I were out of the country when the list was released.

At the very moment, when I'm about to blow the birthday candles.

Name wasn't there.

Ended up not enjoying the day at all.

But didn't cry..just yet.

Took the exam. Failed.

I guess the time was not enough. When was it enough though?

After that day, I stopped anticipating.

Anticipating for the next birthday to come.

If nothing bad happens in two days, that would probably bring back the excitement.

The excitement that I used to feel every 06-06 of every year.

[foreverweirdough]

Happy

Things are going smooth and I’m doing great so far. So, when you’ve come to see me, please congratulate me with a hug. I need it.

Will probably post something (reasons why i am happy, what i do when i’m stressed out, my asthma that came back etc.)  after our preliminary examinations.

WISH ME LUCK. 

[foreverweirdough]

Since putting a title is optional, I'll let you (reader/s) to create the title. It's up to you.

Months went by so fast and I am wondering how fast my weight gain has been.

From 50 to 52 in less than 2 months. You may think this is not that bad but for me, it is. It's a first, actually. First time in my 22 years of existence. I existed? Ha! Of course. I know that, silly.

The heaviest I've been is at 50kg. (well, med life)

We all know that studying medicine is HARD. I MEAN IT. IT IS REALLY HARD. Ask all the medical students you know and that word will always be mentioned. And sad to say....

I failed. Outright.

You might tell me, "Oh, it's alright. You can always try again,"

Well, I thought so. But it matters. BIGTIME. Yes, you can always try again, like in college. You can just transfer to another school and start fresh. BUT. Yes, a BUT. The failure sticks to you forever. Like a gum. Not just in your school records but in your heart (in yourself). The thought that I failed for the VERY FIRST TIME sucks. Really. Not just because you've disappointed your parents and relatives, but also yourself.

People may tell you, "She failed med school that's why she transferred to another school," Just the thought of it made me tear up. It's not easy to move on from such a failure, I tell you. I always want to tell those people to switch places with me and study medicine themselves.

But as usual, I just kept quiet and walk away.

"You should've speak out," you say. Actually, I did. But not to those people. But to the person whom I trusted the most.

I thought that's it. It's fine now. You can move on like other people would and just try again. But there are incidents where someone would ask you about it and the feeling of disappointment and regret creeps back to you. It will always creep back in an instant. When you see posts from your classmates who succeeded their first year in medicine, struggling in their own exams, posting groufies with their friends wearing their uniforms, etc etc. I tried to shrug it off and I even sang during their first mass as second year students. I am happy to see my choirmates for the last time. I even talked to some of my classmates. But as always, they asked the same question.

"Saan ka lilipat? (Where will you transfer?)"

I hesitated to answer at first because I am not sure where at that time but I told them what school I might possibly be for my "second try".

They responded with a pat on my shoulder.

I left right after that.

Days passed and I am now considering my transfer to a med school that is not that known. Submitted my requirements, went home to tell my parents about the tuition fee, and received a shaking head and told me, "Pwede ka ba magtransfer next year? (Can you still transfer to another school next year?)"

My heart dropped and my smile faded. As I thought, they are disappointed. Way worse than how I felt about it. And they are not happy about my transfer. I mean, who is? That question made everything clear. How I've let down those who are proud of me in pursuing medicine, how big their disappointment is, that they are left with no other choice but to let me transfer no matter what school it is.

"No choice"

That question repeated over and over in my mind and caused me to sleep at 6AM everyday and wake up 2PM the next day. Yup, that became a habit/routine these days. Plus, when I wake up, I would eat A LOT.

-Binge-eating

-Having trouble sleeping at night

-Excessive sleeping at day

-Not motivated to do anything

-Doesn't want to go out and stays at home most of the time (unless needed)

I just wish that the day of classes would come real fast. Just like how fast I've gained weight. I wish that the day that negative thoughts would stop bugging me would come so I could start afresh.

It will. It should. After all, wounds heal and repair itself.

However, it'll always stay as a scar.

[bossedupquotes]

[foreverweirdough]

Hey!

I would like to apologize for not posting anything in the past few days.

Maybe because... I’m okay now. (Well, almost.)

This blog is for negative shit right? So, that’s why. But hey, I’m here and am about to share something to you. Because I am hoping that this could help you in some ways possible. 

Still stressed out though (I have a shitload of things to study but here I am writing nonsense here even though I know that no one actually reads this)

It’s my way of de-stressing. So just let me. Please.

I’m still finding myself and still struggling and all. But, I’m okay. 

Okay that I could smile now. Okay enough to make other people happy.

Because seriously, smiling when you’re extremely sad is hard. But you have to just carry on and smile. You’ll never know. Maybe your smile actually makes someone happy. Even just a single person out there right now. Someone who might be needing that “strength” to smile just like how you smile.

You need to carry out that positivity. Not just for yourself, but for the others.

Even just a bit. 

Just like how chocolates and candies do to us when we eat them.

I hope you understand what I’m trying to tell you. Because trust me, it helps. Most of the time.

It brings out that weird happy feeling. Maybe because it actually confuses our brains and make it secrete that serotonin that our bodies need. (Sorry. Med student syndrome suddenly came out. Hihi)

Just like me in my display picture, smile (don’t laugh because people might think you’re crazy)

Believe that everything will be fine. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Believe that it will. Because it will.

[foreverweirdough]

“We are a family.”

Simple statement but difficult to explain. Well, it is something I just realized. I don’t usually post school-related pictures here. But hey, I can’t see why not. 

Even though we started the program later than it was originally scheduled (due to unavoidable circumstances), it still ended earlier than I expected. The activity first started by getting to know everyone in a fun way. We went around sitting to random chairs to talk to anyone about ourselves within 1 minute. Of course, we didn’t get to talk to every single person we still don’t know because that would take forever considering the number of participants in the activity. However, it still is a great idea to get to know more people in a short period of time. 

One activity really tested my social capabilities. The activity I am talking about was where we have to form shapes with our eyes closed. During the activity, I was selected to lead our group (InfoPub committee) where we have to form the shape of a star. This particular activity struck me really hard and made me think about how I’ve been as a person. I know it’s weird but yeah, it made me think things through. I am a crazy weird person that only knows how to make people laugh at what I do (literally). But heck, I just can’t handle a simple task and lead the group. I was dumbfounded and confused about what I should do at that moment because I don’t know most of our group members. We still managed to form a weird shape but I am happy that they still considered the shape a “star” just like how a family trust each other. “Para sa’kin, mukha siyang star.” 

No matter what, they will always be there to help.

No matter what, they will always support and trust you.

No matter what, we are a family.

So much love for this family of mine.

[foreverweirdough]

I want to go somewhere peaceful (which I know is impossible right now because we live in a world full of factions.)

Y.M.Tolentino

[foreverweirdough]

Eat. Study. Coffee. Sleep.

Toxic.

One word that summarizes how it’s been this week. (I mean this past 2 weeks)

Why? Med school. Do I still have to elaborate? (PLEASE SAY NO)

This long weekend, I’ve been eating high-sodium foods and spicy foods (ramyun, Ma Ling (correct me if I spelled it wrong hehe), fastfood (Chowking!) and I am happy with just eating while reading transes, ppts, books (?!) 

And yes, I am back with blogging.

Why, you ask? 

First, it is much better than talking to myself.

Second and probably the last reason, I just want to vent out my frustrations somewhere no one would judge me. (However, every med student could relate to this. Seriously, who wouldn’t?)

Third and the VERY LAST reason (Haha), I want to bring back my “passion” which is writing nonsense things (I KNOW, YOU DON’t HAVE TO TELL ME THAT)

So.... Hi! (Just in case someone would actually read this)

Stay tuned for more Med life related blogs from me. Hihi

[foreverweirdough]

I thought: Maybe I won’t be able to reach you. Because you are everyone’s butterfly.

Y.M. Tolentino

[foreverweirdough]

My home was never my "home."

Every bullshit happens when I'm staying home. Every.damn.time.

[psych2go]

For more posts like these, go psych2go. For our mission page, go here. 

[sad-sacque-ducky]

The second one is VERY important; *** being ostracized is more mentally damaging than being bullied. ***

Don’t know how many ways I can say this; being told “go away”, ignored completely when you speak, being chosen last for teams all say “you are worthless to us”

Kids think they are being nicer by not picking on someone that annoys them, and they are right. However, at least when a child is being picked on, however horribly, it means their existence has been noticed and has caused a reaction.

The cool kids hate it when the teachers pick the teams or assign students to work together in group. The ostracized kids are always relieved (of course by this point many would rather work alone after years of being rebuffed). 

We need to teach our children not only to not bully and belittle, but to also be inclusive; to respond in some sort of non-negative way to kids they would rather ignore. It’s not easy, but being told by a peer that they are worthy of positive notice could improve - and maybe even save - a life.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

6 Steps in Learning to Love Yourself

1. See the good in your past. There will always be things that we wish had never happened; there will always be bad memories and things that we regret. But they are part of who you are – so accept that they have happened and celebrate the person they’ve allowed you to become. 2. Invest time in the things that bring you happiness. It’s important to identify the things that you enjoy, and that make you come alive, and are all a part of “you”. Spending time on those things will help to raise your self-esteem, as you’re valuing yourself when you pursue happiness. 3. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. We all make mistakes - and when we think of them we cringe. But that doesn’t make you any worse than other people. Just try and learn what you can, and then move on with your life. 4. Stop criticising yourself. So often we’re really our own worst enemy. We look for our flaws, and we put ourselves down – instead of being understanding of our own limitations. It’s time to change that behaviour – so start loving yourself. 5. Listen to your instincts and intuitions. If you want to love yourself, you must listen to yourself. Pay attention to those instincts and your instant gut reaction – and trust that you are right when you hear that inner voice. 6. Appreciate your life. Of course there are things that you wish that you could change. But some things are good, and are worth appreciating. So, focus on, appreciate, and make lots of your strengths.

[zodiaccity]

The Difficult Thing About Being A Gemini

Where do I begin? Not that you’re a nutcase or anything….but you are a lot wrapped in one body. You, of all the zodiac signs, have the ability to be fun and social yet shy and laid-back. A humble helper and yet a deviant trouble starter. Focused and driven and then uninspired and a procrastinator. And this can happen all in one day. That’s where there’s a bit of a problem. You are constantly going back and forth, back and forth – with your thoughts and actions. Where does this come from? There’s no sure answer but a lot of it has to do with your dual personality. You encompass the yin and the yang making it hard to not only be cohesive but gain understanding from others. 

[foreverweirdough]

YAAAAAAAAS!

[zodiaccity]

Gemini And Communication

- You have the mental capacity and are versatile enough to engage with all kinds of people about all kinds of things. You like to express what you know and like to gain what you can from others as well. Being called a “chatterbox” can be cliche because there are times when you’re actually too shy to say anything.

- Although you can be a person of many words, you tend to get tongue-tied a lot. In other words, you may stumble when trying to get a concise point across. It’s often overlooked though because you simply have a way with words…however they may come out. 

- Then there’s those times when you don’t want to be bothered, for any reason. When in that mood, you don’t know how to effectively communicate your feelings. In your mind, everyone should just get the hint. It can be a losing battle when you become “unbothered”. Just take into consideration how frustrating it is when you want someone close to you to open up and discuss their feelings…and they won’t.

[foreverweirdough]

ALWAYS TONGUE-TIED.

[zodiaccity]

Give a Gemini reasons to focus on you and they will, regardless of the other million things running through their mind everyday.

[zodiaccity]

Zodiac Gemini Thought. For much more on the zodiac signs, click here.