eepo @forremjula - Tumblr Blog

Meet D4-N1(it/its)!!!!!!!! my sona!!!!!!!!!

dollie-dreams

waspsalad

Warm blanket

A well-needed nap after a day of frolicking <3

ace-disgrace-on-the-case

Isn’t it kind of fun how when your life sucks you just can’t talk about it with anyone

ace-disgrace-on-the-case

I’m serious though. When your life reaches a degree of suckage, you find yourself having to look elsewhere for anything at all to talk about. The things going on in your life are trauma dumping. Your past is probably also trauma dumping. So you have to get really weird about specific things or hope that others want to talk to you, because very quickly people are going to develop an aversion to you and the way your life sucks. Unless you just don’t talk about it

ace-disgrace-on-the-case

It’s socially isolating, which is dangerous—when you’re in this sort of situation, community is the difference between life and death, housing and homelessness.

I think the collective prioritization of comfort first is hurting people in a real and material sense

sagewing

Carrd

adhdxxsdiary

axolotlandalite

kosmogrl

let’s all quit our jobs and just go on walks

why am i always seeing a king running through a catacomb escaping a giant hand or about to be crushed by a closing wall. that being everywhere makes tumblr look like facebook

I've kind of arrived at a loss of the kind of people that I should be looking for in life, outside of a few small exceptions, because all of my own attempts to try to find my own community out in the world have resulted in heartbreak or painful disaster. I used to kind of always be looking in like queer circles and furry circles but over and over again I've encountered environments where a predominant energy has already been established and any attempts for me to try to adhere to that energy always just fall flat because at the end of the day it really isn't me and there's such a loud language mismatch because I'm always speaking a language far different than everyone else, who opts to just assimilate into each other. I'm "queer" in a way that feels so outside of how most people are within it and I'm "furry" in a way that's even more drastically outside of how most people are within it. I could never Just be trans, I could never Just be some animal. all of it has to reflect the intricate complexities of who I am and trying to define the sum of those complexities altogether from my interests to my alters to my lived experiences feels like an extreme challenge and at the end of it I'm so convoluted that I don't really know if anyone can ever really, truly, fully understand me and the way I've become. A lot of the times I even feel like the people who would get me "the most" just kind of assume me to be simpler than I am because I genuinely struggle to express all aspects of myself. Aspects that often clash with each other or are often in flux. I feel like I understand myself today with a clarity that I've long struggled to have but it's presented a new set of difficulties because I'm now always going "how does these parts of me make sense in relation to these other parts of me" and the complexity of like. Myself. Of Us(Me(I'm Plural)) gets really overwhelming on a weekly, almost daily basis.

I'm additionally pretty fucked up because these past attempts to try to find belonging in circles like this have usually resulted in specific people taking interest in me and this ending up being for ultimately selfish/impulsive/fleeting desires. I'll be treated like I'm the most interesting and enjoyable thing ever by a person until without warning I'm dumped completely for people who are "better" and then a world of excuses will be invented for why I am suddenly lower on this social hierarchy that I've just now learned exists. So many people have been catty and two-faced with me and distorted my reality and conveyed false truths to me and maybe it's because I'm so visibly and energetically autistic that I'm immediately quietly assumed to just be an ableist slur to them so they can play with me and use me as they want and this has left me with Really Fucked Up Feelings About Myself And My Place In The World And My Relation To Humanity Itself When this Doesn't Happen I seem to just be invisible and not exist or not matter whatsoever. Some people I feel like I'd get along with a lot better just never give me a chance or never act like I even exist around them some way and that drives me mad....it depersonalizes me intensely. I can so easily matter so little to so many people. I make myself available and then there's just no effort made to meet me where I am. What do you do when you can't assimilate with everyone else? What community is there to even find? People say often without directly saying for example like THIS IS WHAT TRANS PEOPLE DO (list of a pretty large spectrum of specific things) but as a trans person I do none of those things and hardly have interest in much if any of the things associated the interests of trans people. similarly THIS IS WHAT FURRIES DO (list of a pretty large spectrum of specific things) and as a "furry-tangential" person who is interested a lot more in the way that animals can be imaginatively tangible, or in creatures that may or may not exist, as well as aliens and space stuff, that innately seems to put me far outside of everyone else who would rather just be like dogs or wolves or something. I'm also just like not as sexual(grey ace) as both of these constituencies seem to quietly demand that everyone be within those spheres.

so i find myself in the really difficult space of: -being actually very different from most people -being plural with so many sides to myself so as to be complex in a way that even we struggle to accurately comprehend most days -having had to learn for my own protection and survival how to emulate the language and behaviors of common social groups -the above not even working because me being that different simply prevents me from really making friends in common social groups -the above also resulting in the truth of who i actually am becoming confused and convoluted and distorting how I appear based on how I've had to present myself, making it seem like the people who could best relate to me feel like they can't -being extremely traumatized from repeated instances of the three above consistently for about 10 years, in addition to the trauma of not really getting to connect with my actual self until late into 2024, nearly 30 years into life. so much has been uncovered and i'm overwhelmed with the amount of life I was prevented from living as my true self. and I think at the end of it I'm an EXCEEDINGLY convoluted mess and living for me is actually drastically less enjoyable than I may otherwise let on and I don't really know any solutions. It's a deep existential entanglement and all I can really think to do about it is cry. i can barely even think of all the words to express how difficult and complicated this place is to be in

nickyflowers

there should be a website where you're not allowed to be a nazi