Fossilize(d)

An archeological site of all my feelings in text form.

[fossilize-d]

i started talking to this guy. we havent personally met and yet. with the few sms exchanges we’ve had so far, i have found myself catching feelings. again. damn you my fragile, careless heart.

this isn’t normal. ask any sane person. i openly told one friend about it and i was met with a curious look that clearly said i was crazy. crazy enough to fall for someone i’ve only ever talked via text. crazy enough to tell myself he’s the one. crazy enough to believe he has put me in the same pedestal i had put him on. and i’m not going to deny it. it’s completely irrational to devote all of my feelings to him. and yet. in that small screen where i’ve conjured a perfect image of him, he started making me feel things. whether it’s intentional or not, i don’t have the answer to that. but i don’t want to put any kind of blame on this person i barely even know. this is all on me. every single damn time.

we’ve arranged to meet this friday. no, scratch that. i told him i was free this friday as a follow-up on a previous conversation. he didn’t say no and didn’t say yes either. he said he was trying to arrange a day to hang out with his mentees. and also mentioned his occasional out of town trips due to work. and yet i’ve had my mind set on meeting him on said day. i was looking forward to it. finally, a face to put on this human i’ve been digitally interacting with. is his personality as big as the virtual persona he’s set up? i bet it is.

i want to write praises about him. how amazing he truly is. in the short amount of time i’ve known him, i figured he’s bound for great things. even bigger than the ones he have on his plate right now. and i feel like im only bound to be his shadow. i don’t think i am able to complement him. im more likely to be standing on the sidelines, watching, and looking on. see him do more great things. so why should he even want to go out with me? i have nothing to put on the table. im a lazy slob. i have fewer to none in terms of accomplishments. he deserves someone who shines as bright as him. my insecurity creeps up again.

i always ask myself, why do i want a relationship? im not healed enough from previous heartbreaks and letdowns. im not whole enough to not want someone fill the cracks of my being. i dont love myself enough to not crave affection. i still have these to work on and yet here i am. out in the world trying to fix myself with another human’s touch. another human’s attention. this is not right. i have read quite a few self-help articles on self-love and self-respect. one day i think im making progress. trying to convince myself that there’s no other love i need right now except from myself. but one misstep has me faltering back to little old needy insecure me. i try to draw inspiration from my strong independent friends. i try to look for figures to look up to. that there is no way you are able to be comfortable sharing companionship with another when the very thought of being alone is dreadful enough. so why get in a relationship? why even find one? this question haunts me like a ghost from the past. except, this ghost is always with me.

maybe it’s good that i wont get to see him. maybe this is a much easier exit. but, oh! my heart hurts thinking of missed opportunity. and im still hopeful, very much so, that i will see him. some day soon.

[fossilize-d]

I’m okay.

 Of course I have to be. I’m holding up better now than before. I cried. I had to. But not for long. I cried the night I realized that this seem pointless now. I cried not because I was hurt. Maybe I was a little but it wasn’t that. I was clinging to you so bad, so tightly, that when it was time to let go that’s when it all started to hurt. And the waterworks came with it. 

But I’m okay.

I am so used to relishing the hurt every time something good ends but let’s change it up a bit with this one. He’s special. I had a gut-feeling that he was the first time we started talking. And I knew with this one, it was going to be different. A good kind of different. At times, it was complicated. All logic and good reason told me to run the other direction as fast as I can. But I’m glad I didn’t.

We had a good run, I must admit. And I will always look back to our wonderful time together fondly. I will always hang to the idea that there was an “us”. And maybe, in the future, when everything is less complicated. When everything falls right where it needs to be. There could be an “us” again.

Knowing that, I am more than okay.

[kathyt]

[asdfghdactyl]

After Darwish, by Rick Barot. (I’m sad.)

[fossilize-d]

"Nobody prepares you for heartbreak. For that ache you feel all over. The way you feel when the person who means the world to you suddenly looks at you like you mean nothing. That feeling like you got punched in the fucking stomach. When the person you love suddenly decides that you’re not what they want anymore, you’re no longer good enough. Or maybe they say it’s not you its them, they’re not in the right place for a relationship, or maybe you’re too good for them. No matter what their goddamn reasoning is nothing will stop you from feeling like you’re going to throw up even when you haven’t eaten in days, and the constant feeling like you’re going to break into tears even if you’ve cried yourself dry. The constant shivering even if you know you’re not cold but even if you were they won’t be there to hold you anymore. Nothing and I mean nothing will stop you from the constant wondering and overwhelming sadness because you weren’t good enough. Nobody prepared you for heartbreak. Nobody warned you not to fall for the boy with deep blue eyes and devilish smirk. Nobody told you not to fall in love or not to make him your happiness. And fuck nobody gave you the slightest warning about how fucking awful it feels when they leave. Because sure you can warn someone that if it doesn’t work out they will cry. You can tell them they’ll be sad for a while and you can tell them it’ll hurt to see his smile and know you’re not the reason anymore. But my god, there is no possible way to prepare someone for the overall ache that comes along when the person they love decides that they don’t want them anymore. Nobody prepares you for heartbreak, but that’s because nobody can really prepare a person for that kind of fucking pain. ”

[fossilize-d]

You know, sometimes I wish I’d known it’d be our last time. Our last kiss, our last touch, our last conversation. I wish I’d known because I would have paid attention to the details. The way you tilted my chin up with your hand before your lips brushed mine, the way your gentle hands caressed my skin, the way you smiled whenever I tried to make you laugh, even though what I said wasn’t remotely funny. But I didn’t. I didn’t pay attention. Because how was I to know it was the last time, that there wouldn’t be one to follow? All I see when I try to remember are your ghosts that still haunt me - but one day they’ll eventually leave me too. You turn into more of a stranger with every passing day. 

[fossilize-d]

someone once asked me: “why do you write about them?”

i had to pause for a while. because i never really thought about it. whenever a new boy ends up leaving, hurting me in the process, my initial action is to write about him. to let him out of my system. i may talk fondly of him. of how his fingers curl nicely around mine. how his chest feels much comfier than a soft pillow. the way his face lights up when he sees you again after a couple of weeks. but it is not all butterflies and roses. because i can also write about the times he seem to ignore me. that i was merely there to warm his bed. or the days he was too busy living his life, making me feel like an old toy, tossed aside. that’s my way of coping. remembering the littlest of things.

“but, isn’t that the same as with prying old wounds open when they are starting to heal? by remembering, you just end up hurting yourself over again?”

it is, yes. and it doesn’t help that it takes a while to heal. and maybe that’s okay. maybe i relish in the pain to know that what happened was real. things we did. things i felt for him. all my yearning and fondness towards him. i actually. really. felt those. and maybe the reason why im writing about this person is to immortalize him in some way. regardless of what he did. how his words rung sweetly through my ears. words, at the time, i thought were true. i dont know if they count as lies now but i dont want to them to be lies. i’ll think of them as promises yet to be made. maybe by someone else. maybe by the same boy. in another timeline.

[fossilize-d]

Last week in horoscope (21 Feb - 27 Feb)

where most of it was eerily accurate

Sunday: Feel good about yourself. Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to confess. Make a list of awesome things about yourself.

Monday: You may be the only person left who believes in you, but it's enough. It takes just one star to pierce a universe of darkness. Never give up. Not everyone is a monster and not everyone is a hero some people just exist. You have to learn to be happy with this.

Thursday: Accept the others and stop trying to find perfection or you'll never let yourself truly love someone.

Friday: You can’t change the past. All you can do is accept it and continue living.

Saturday:  The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life.

(c/o blxcknicotine)

[fossilize-d]

today was awfully dreary. today was one of those days i wished i’d stayed in bed all day and clothe myself with dreariness. but no. i have to get up. keep moving. i dont want to be stuck.

but i am stuck.

i am stuck at this place you left me in and im waiting. juts patiently waiting. for you to come pick me up. you see, im in shambles right now, and it’s been a painful task to put myself back together again. i may look whole outside but inside, inside is unchartered territory. im broken in all the wrong places. and i wont even allow myself to heal. i linger to that feeling. conceal it so masterfully you wouldn’t even know.

two months, gosh it’s been two months since we talked. like actual conversation. and i miss it. i miss it so bad addicts would have been proud. i imagine having a similar conversation with someone else but there’s only you. sometimes. no, most of the time, i wake up in the middle of the night, stupidly checking my phone to see if you sent me a message. i wanna be the first person you think of talking to when someone has been eating at your brain again. or simply when you needed someone to hear you out and give you all the pretty assurances in the world. i wanna be that person. we may not have had anything special but i was your person. for a time. and you were mine too.

but that was two months ago. now, i dont even know what we now. you said we’ll still be friends but we’re not even that anymore too. you pretend to not to know me when you see me and i am haunted by a wonderful past when i see you. it’s not a terrible thing, really. seeing you means i get a tiny glimpse of how you are doing. how have things been. from what i gathered, you seem perfectly fine. happy. a bit tired from all the work you’ve been putting on studying. and i admired that about you.

i think i need to get moving. i can’t be stuck here any longer.

[paradoxicalsentiments]

All love stories are frustration stories…To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had (of one’s formative frustrations, and of one’s attempted self-cures for them); you wanted someone, you felt deprived of something, and then it seems to be there. And what is renewed in that experience is an intensity of frustration, and an intensity of satisfaction. It is as if, oddly, you were waiting for someone but you didn’t know who they were until they arrived. Whether or not you were aware that there was something missing in your life, you will be when you meet the person you want. What psychoanalysis will add to this love story is that the person you fall in love with really is the man or woman of your dreams; that you have dreamed them up before you met them; not out of nothing — nothing comes of nothing — but out of prior experience, both real and wished for. You recognize them with such certainty because you already, in a certain sense, know them; and because you have quite literally been expecting them, you feel as though you have known them for ever, and yet, at the same time, they are quite foreign to you. They are familiar foreign bodies.

Adam Phillips (via days-of-reading)

[hellanne]

Making love with you is like drinking sea water. The more I drink the thirstier I become, until nothing can slake my thirst but to drink the entire sea.

Kenneth Rexroth, The Love Poems of Marichiko: VII (via hellanne)

[fossilize-d]

"i like you."

it came out as fast as you made my heart do cartwheels the first time i saw you in what felt like ages.

the best response i could come up with was an undeniably fake laugh.

you have to understand. you are way out of my league. you are among the farthest stars and i am only a mere rock floating aimlessly in space.

to save face, you retracted what you said and claimed you were kidding. nice try, buddy.

[therumpus]

The Rumblr’s in-house astrologer, Madame Clairevoyant, presents her latest dispatch from the stars:

Leo: This week, it might feel like everyone wants too much from you, it might feel like everyone takes too much from you, it might feel like you can’t even move and you can’t even breathe inside your own life. Take some space if you need to, this week. Take a long walk somewhere green. Take a walk someplace where the sky feels bigger than you could ever need. It’s okay to walk away, sometimes. It’s okay to decide how much of yourself you’re willing to give, and to save the rest just for you.

Today’s image was made specially for Madame Clairevoyant by Jen May.

[fossilize-d]

i feel like this week is against me. in more ways than one. i am still nursing a heartache and another shattering news comes knocking: this boy i have been keeping at arm’s length is dating someone (obviously not me). we have kept a very friendly relationship when i decided to not meet him in person. he was slightly devastated (or what he led me to believe) but insists that we still be friends (which i did not disagree with) (he was kind of a safety net if things won’t work out with this other boy i have initially chosen). and boy, oh boy, did this whole situation blow up massively in my face. now i am left with a scar and an empty hole in my being.

another reason i have been feeling terribly sad is my disappointing performance at work aka my lateness. i know old habits die hard and this is one that i plan on killing off entirely as it is gonna cost me my current and future job. it is no help, too, that i am still but without a license and have no other choice but to take the transit. my friend and coworker (more like my superior) (who was the very reason i got this position in the first place and i am endlessly grateful for) was kind of a letdown. here i thought she would be the first one covering for my inadequacy and be understanding enough when the situation calls for it. but no. i think she have had enough of my bullshit excuses and writes me off. one last straw and i may have to say good-bye to free coffees (not that i am heavily dependent on it at the moment).

normally i would be shedding a tear or more while i am typing this all down but the earlier half of the week was spent curled up in my bed, crying, as i drift into sweet peaceful slumber. i think i have ran dry in the mean time. there is still an emotional storm slowly brewing up inside me. and it never goes away.

[fossilize-d]

how do you ever truly forget someone? i have tried a couple of things:

[x] drown yourself with work until you are fully consumed [x] retail therapy [x] start a new hobby [x] cry yourself dry and then fall asleep (in no particular order) [x] write him out of your system [x] list all of his cons

despite all of these, there is still a part of me that yearns for him quite terribly. it is a shame how much of myself have been poured over this person when i have only caught a drop of him. until this day i have not truly admitted my feelings, that i have completely fallen for this person. him, who was merely a stranger that made me feel like i mattered. after reading a bunch of self motivating articles on thought catalog and positive tweets on twitter i do not understand why i needed this kind of validation of my worth and being and existence. i hate this part of me.

i hate how i am internally moping on this lost.

-

dear self,

you are so much stronger than this. if not, braver. you were brave enough to tread to something you know for sure will get you a little bit broken. you shared a more than half a part of you to someone who did not see your value and that is okay. that is why it hurts. you think that you have given so much and in return, he left you spilling yourself empty. but this is not the end of you. see it as another beginning. and a good lesson.

pick up what is left of you and use it to rebuild yourself. fill yourself up again. feel new. somewhere, someone out there is waiting to be your vessel. for the next time you pour a part of yourself it will not be dripping mindlessly on concrete. he will catch it and treasure it and in return, he will pour a part of himself to you.

honey, you are way too precious and young to be too sad over someone who has never given full regard of your emotions. your best revenge is to be happier at where you are at right now. it is okay to be sad once in a while and do not let it consume you.

you are so much better at this and you will get better from this.

[therumpus]

The Rumblr’s in-house astrologer, Madame Clairevoyant, presents her latest dispatch from the stars:

Leo: This week, your feelings might bend and burn and swell; your feelings might carry you away. This week, your feelings might be louder than your thoughts, and this might feel scary and it might feel strange but it’s not the worst thing. Let them brighten your mornings, let them fill you up, let them move you, let them speak through you. Try to trust that your own feelings matter. Trust your feelings of love and joy and rage. Trust that your body is strong enough and wise enough for this.

Today’s image was made specially for Madame Clairevoyant by Jen May.

[fossilize-d]

wow. just wow.

a decent number of people apparently go here and read the stuff i post. that is quite flattering. thank you!

on to another note…

im aware that some of you reading this, i know of personally. im glad that through here you see a different side of who i am. a side that is not expected of me. but if you use any of the things i write as your basis of what kind of a person i am, so be it. and while youre at it, why not let me be a topic of your conversation (im putting my money on the fact youve already done so) and spew feelings of judgment behind my back. honestly, people's opinion of me matter very little if it is not essential for my personal growth. 

i have left and will continue to leave this blog publicly open for a reason: to see how i would fare among people. to see how people will react to information i choose to disclose on here (i.e. open-minded vs. narrow-minded).

if youre a returning visitor, you may have noticed a change in the blog title and URL. congratulations for finding me! you are more than welcome and free to peruse around. keep all unconstructive criticisms to yourselves.