An Expat Foster Care Adventure @fostercare-expat - Tumblr Blog

Posts

Planning a trip to my Younger Daughter’s country to hopefully meet her birth mom in Dec. It’s gonna be tough in a few ways, but it also hopefully won’t be a huge deal. Hopefully it will help answer some questions and put things back together that shouldn’t have been broken. We could make this big trip and Mom might decide she can’t handle it but that’s also okay. Sister is there to spend time with too. And a chance for Foster Friend to hopefully see a new culture and for us all to eat great food and have an adventure.

Foster Friend came over for 1 night and we ended up extending to the whole weekend. We went to a nature reserve and my Dad had a blast encouraging her to get as muddy as possible. Thank goodness to be blessed with my parents, who are like “New grand kid, sure, love you already.” My Dad got a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis earlier in the year, and even though we hopefully have more time together, it’s less infinite than it used to feel, so all the sweeter.

Official home study starts next week. My older daughter cried so hard when I talked to her about the possibility of Foster Friend moving in. Change is hard for her. Littler “kids” are hard for her. My heart did break a bit for her pain. More on that later.

As predicted, the respite family has told CPS they have changed their mind about Foster Friend and no longer want to be a permanent placement for her. Thank goodness this was only a trial run and that no one told her what it was all about. Bummer that the system handed her over to strangers for a month who she will never see again though.

In an unpredicted and very exciting turn of events, the Social Worker texted me asking for a call next week. I said yes, but also tell me now what we going to talk about so that I don’t spent the next week worrying about it. She said “Currently, we are continuing our search for suitable foster parents, however there is limited pool of them. As shared before, we are not closed to the option of you being a potential caregiver. For this, we will need to speak to you further for a detailed assessment and also explained on the possible boundaries/parameters for caring of foster children under state care.” So that’s amazing news. I’m interpreting that to mean they have come to accept I’m their last option before a Group Home and I’ll happily take it. Obviously their wording is trying very hard to not commit to anything but of course I’m taking this to mean Foster Friend is gonna be part of our family forever. So now just starts the torture of worrying for the next decade they are going to take her away! Ah foster care, how fun you are…

But it is truly good news. This awesome kiddo gets to be awesome together with us. A win for love and connection. Ha, just wrong that makes me worried that will all change by next week.

It’s been almost a week since Foster Friend left Respite Family. They haven’t reached out to her at all. She’s an 11 year old who loves texting. These are people who are suppose to be considering making her their child for the next 10+ years. And they don’t even take 2 minutes to send a “Miss you lots” text. This kiddo deserves an amazing life but CPS’s best case scenario seems pretty mediocre unfortunately.

Foster Friend appears to have lost her glasses (yet again) so I texted the Respite Mom to see if the glasses were there. She responded she was wearing them right now. Then she texted to say sorry for the confusion, another foster kid had just arrived at her house and she thought I was talking about them. I said “wow, busy house!” She said “Oh yes..I am foster parent..we take in children under gov care.” So clearly CPS didn’t explain my history with fostering and with Foster Friend to her or she wouldn’t think I’m so clueless. But I took advantage of the moment to say I was glad to have heard she was considering taking Foster Friend as a permanent placement and asked if that was still the plan. She responded “My family still working on it ..” Gee, how should that be interpreted ? Meaning yes, that’s the plan and her family is working towards the goal? Or does that mean they are still considering if they want to? If so that’s not comforting. She agreed to do the month of respite knowing that Foster Friend needs a permanent placement and the entire idea was to get her familiar with the new family before CPS told her she would be making a move permanently to them. But now they aren’t even assure if they want her? And they took another placement during the week they could have had her with them still. Of course part of me hopes they don’t continue with pursuing her and I’ll double down twice as hard at pressuring CPS. I’ll throw all caution to the wind about what advocacy looks like in another country and I’ll go full American and get everyone that knows me to write letters to their elected officials and to CPS. But also part of me worries that if this respite family doesn’t take her and CPS doesn’t like me rocking the boat, then she ends up in a Group Home. CPS did tell me if they can’t find a permanent foster family for her, they will go back to court to change the Guidance Order to include Foster or Kinth Care (which would mean they could place her with me) but I don’t trust them because they clearly should be doing that already and they aren’t willing to.

I wrote to her “Certainly understand. It’s a big decision to make. Foster Friend has changed families so many times, I desperately hope this can be the last time and she can settle into a family forever.” And she wrote back “Yes, I have the same sentiment too.”

I’m considering if I should tell this Respite Mom the whole situation? Because if she really isn’t sure yet if she wants Foster Friend perhaps it would help her to know there is someone who really wants her and she can say no without as much guilt, and then I can try to advocate again. But CPS will likely be mad that I got involved. I’m tempted but I think it’s probably smarter to wait a month and see how things settle down. Let them make their decision without my influence. Or maybe they have made their decision as yes and I’m just misunderstanding the message. I need to have a local friend help me interpret, even though it’s in English :)

Foster Friend arrived today to stay with us for a week until her current foster family come back from their 6 week trip. School is starting up again after a 4 week break. She spent the 4 weeks staying with a Respite Family that she doesn’t know is likely her permanent placement as the current family has given their notice. The good news is that she liked them and she loved their cats. They took her on a trip to the neighbouring country to visit their family for a few days. But it was a bit disappointing to hear that they didn’t do any studying with her for the big national test coming up or look over her homework even. And I asked what she did other than go on the trip with them and she said “stay home and play with the cats”. She did go in the pool in their complex most days, which is fun for her, but it doesn’t seem they went swimming with her. I feel like if they had done any cool things with her or had any adventures with her, she would have been excited to tell us. She did talk about the things they did on the trip but no mention of doing things here for the other 3 weeks. And the Mom is a stay at home mom, they have a full time nanny / cook / cleaner living with them and they have a car so they can easily get around to go do things. Disappointing that she didn’t get to have a few cool adventures to bond with them other than the trip. And double disappointing is the realisation that since they have a car and the Mom doesn’t work, there’s no reason for her to need to come stay with me for the week just because school is starting, they could easily drive her here in 20 minutes, maybe 30 minutes max. If this is the kid that you have agreed to essentially be the permanent parent of for the next 10 years, wouldn’t you want to maximise your time with her? Apparently not. And what’s super weird about that is that they have a 15 year old daughter who is adopted (not sure if private adoption or foster care). So they have already gone through the experience of bonding with a child so shouldn’t they see the importance of that even more in this situation since Foster Friend is already 11?

Also sad was that Foster Friend told me that at the beginning of June she was going to see her biological mom, very excited about it because although she texts with her mom often, she only sees her 3 or 4 times a year. I looked at Foster Friend’s phone and I could see messages with her Mom at 5pm as they were agreeing to meet at McDonald’s and then messages at 8pm where her Mom told her to be safe on the way home. Her Mom spent less than 3 hours with her.

I know none is these things are too bad. But I just want the absolute best for her.

In other news, I went to an event with my Safe Families programme and I got to see the Stateless Baby! (You might remember that Sister Wife had a newborn placement that I babysat once who was born to in this country to 2 foreigner parents who are from the country next door. But because they weren’t married at the time of her birth, that conservative country wouldn’t grant citizenship to her.) She is now 3 years old and finally got her citizenship granted from the other country! She lives with her mom and dad over the border but comes here regularly and stays with her former foster parents (who wanted to adopt her but say they have come to peace with the situation). It was so great to get to video call Sister Wife and show Stateless Baby on screen and say “guess who this is?” and see her face as she realised who it was. So there’s some good news for us all.

Fearless’s Mom has been out of touch when I asked what the plan was for his next 2 weeks of school break and then a bit vague when she did respond. I need to let go of this situation mostly. I see that she is letting him make a lot of his own choices in a parenting style that I don’t agree with given the situation. But she’s the parent, not me. I also know as he’s turning 13 soon, he will naturally be turning away from the world of adults more and more. If his Mom doesn’t put some pressure on him to stay connected to me, he will naturally drift away. After all, I’m stricter and I push back really hard to his bad behaviour so I’m not surprised that he says he doesn’t want to come to my house. But if we don’t maintain the positive bond of doing fun things together, then that bond won’t be there for the hard stuff. I think it’s like going to Grandma’s house. Teens don’t want to hang out with their Grandma but they do because their Mom makes them and then they actually benefit a lot from having that relationship. But if his Mom doesn’t make him, then no bond between us.

I asked her again to connect me to his counsellor and she said she but didn’t.

I’m not so dumb as to think that their family won’t raise him to be “a responsible member of society” without me. But I do honestly feel that his chance of being that is greatly improved with me in his life. The current path of being caught for a crime and then another crime while on probation is not a promising sign, but also there is hope he’s just doing this stupid phase and he’ll get his act together. Hopefully. But I worry that things will keep going down the wrong path, and then his Mom will be asking for my help at that point and it will be even harder. Hopefully that won’t happen.

Fearless’ Mom tired talking to him last night again about all the free time unsupervised and it apparently turned into a big argument and he stormed out of the house 45 minutes before his police mandated curfew. I’m guessing he came back before but this kid knows his mom is easily riled up and then gives up.

Update on Foster Friend: She is enjoying the current respite family (eventually to be permanent) so far which is a relief. Of course there’s some selfish jealousy too, but I’m just human. They have 2 cats which she absolutely loves. And she says they are nice. They are bringing her overseas next week which is great. We are getting to see her 3 times this month. All is well. Thank goodness.

Fearless is being his ridiculous self. Thinks he should be allowed to stay home alone all day for 4 weeks school break while his Mom and step dad work. He can come to my house and have food served to him and kids to hang out with and outings to do fun things that he can chose. But instead he gives attitude and his mom is so beaten down by his stubbornness that she just says there’s no point in fighting with him so she gives up. Thankfully the police didnt sentence him to the juvenile home for his recent shoplifting of lighter fluid and setting a fire, just gave him a warning. But it seems pretty obvious to me that he shouldn’t be left at home for 4 weeks unsupervised. I offered to pay for summer camp of his choosing but nope. He said he wanted to learn more about cooking, which. He really enjoys so my helper was going to give him cooking lessons. But he now says he doesn’t want to come at all. His mom says she can’t force him so let him be. Obviously that’s not the right approach. But without her support, not sure that it makes sense for me to start making demands because he knows she won’t enforce it. I have previously asked her to put me in touch with his social worker and his counsellor but she hasn’t done that. It seems clear to me she doesn’t feel she has much influence over him so she’s giving up him a bit. I’ll keep trying but feels like an uphill battle.

Foster Friend is spending the weekend with us. Her social worker told her that she’s going to stay for a month with a respite family. Social worker also told her that she can’t come to the next door country with me but that her respite family will take her there during the month. Ah, the irony that a total stranger family who appears to never had a foster kid before and never have met her have been approved to take her overseas but the person who has known her for years and had her spend tons of nights of and had lots of foster kids and raised an adopted child for 10+ years can’t get approval. The system sucks. I was open with Foster Friend about the fact that I wanted to bring her and I wanted her to spend the month with me, but the system is the system and we need to follow the rules. But I told her I want her to know that she’s wanted. I thought about if that’s the healthy thing for her or not. There’s an argument against it but I really want her to know that she’s loved and cherished.

The good news is that she is excited about staying with the respite family (future permanent placement but she doesn’t know that) because they have a cat. She loves animals. She keeps talking about that, so I’m grateful she’s looking forward to it. They have a 17 year old daughter as well so hopefully that’s a plus. If they won’t place her with me, then at least she hopefully gets an amazing family who treat her like a full member of the family and she finally gets a chance to truly settle in and belong forever.

She opened up to me today about a prior foster family who locked her in the bomb shelter room (we all have bomb shelters built into each unit here) when she was bad and wouldn’t let her out until she calmed down. How terrifying for her as a little girl. She told me that she likes how the bomb shelter in my house doesn’t have a door (I removed it) but she gets nervous in the upstairs neighbours house because they have a door and she doesn’t want to get locked in there again. Poor kiddo. That would have been more than 6 years ago and still that memory sticks with her. We talked about trauma and what healing looks like. She seems to be able to manage those memories without too much anxiety but it still clearly has some effects on her. She says she was taken out of that home because they abused her, so at least she also feels that other people helped protect her. But of course how damaging to feel that people who were supposed to keep her safe, didn’t.

The other day, Foster Friend’s foster mom texted me to ask if she could stay with me as respite from X May to X July. I had previously heard that she would be staying with her new potential permanent placement family, so my instinctual reaction was to be thrilled it had fallen through and there was a chance she might be getting placed with me. But turns out that the foster mom just made a mistake on the dates and only needs me for a few days. Which is fine. But was interesting to be that my reaction was excited at the possibility she would be placed with me. Because I remember with the whole broken arm situation with Younger Brother, I was hoping he would be returned but I was also quite apprehensive about how much work he was to manage and how must stress he had brought into my life and there was a significant piece of me that was relieved to not have to dealing with all of that anymore. But no sense of that in this situation, just a reaction of happiness. So that’s good sign of my love for her. But doesn’t matter much because still seems she is being placed with another family but hopefully they are okay with me staying in her life.

Then the social worker finally wrote me back after 2 weeks and said she was on leave and sick. She said let’s do a phone call so she can answer the questions that I had asked and she can give me an update on a recent meeting with the CPS Supervisor! And she used that exclamation mark! What the heck does that mean, does that mean about placement (unlikely) or good news about my request to take her traveling to a city just across the border on vacation with us? Hopefully at least that. She gets left behind twice a year with random people when her foster family travels. She deserves to get to go somewhere too. I thought it was very unlikely but I’m hopeful that the ! means good news. But then again maybe the Social Worker just likes exclamation marks.

Foster Friend is staying over. She got a text from her biological Mom saying she texted the Social Worker but hadn’t gotten a response (that tracks because Social Worker hasn’t responded to either of my messages this week). Her Mom said “I can’t see you on Mother’s Day because I have to work but I’ll try to see you at the end of the month.” I was impressed because I know Mom doesn’t have much interest in seeing her more than a few times a year. Foster Friend was happy to hear from her and sent her back a video message right away. She said “Hi Mom. Happy Mother’s Day. Thanks so much for always working so hard for me.” I don’t know if her Mom had conveyed herself that the reason she’s working hard for “her” or if Foster Friend has just made that assumption in her own mind. One perspective is that it’s sad because Mom isn’t doing much for Foster Friend and isn’t giving her any money to my knowledge, or maybe a little. But another perspective is that Mom’s capabilities are quite limited (I think she has some developmental or mental challenges from what I can tell from her text messages) and maybe what little she does for Foster Friend is as much as she’s capable of and Foster Friend has some understanding of that. But the good news is that Foster Friend seems to have a genuine love for her Mom in spite of having no memory of living with her and that’s something worth protecting. At some point she will likely start questioning “why” about many things about her Mom but at least there’s some foundation there.

Just to complain for no useful purpose, the Mom of the 4 Cuties has a post on her status now that is a little video with a picture of her Boyfriend and her Youngest Daughter with birthday cake slices and then smearing frosting on each other, but it has clearly generated by AI. So now AI has reached the point where abusive parents are using it to try to prove they can take good care of their kids. She had such deep mental health problems. Her daughter’s best birthday present would be to feel safe with her caregivers but that seems highly unlikely.

I have advocated very hard to CPS and the Foster Agency to place Foster Friend with me. I even had a member of Congress write a letter of support directly to the head of CPS, which normally at least gets a response, but nothing. I have known her for years and formed a very close bond with her. She is a part of our family. I'm willing to foster her or adopt her or do whatever CPS wants. But sadly when I was inquiring today if she could come on holiday with us in June, I found out have found a potential placement for her and she will spend the whole month of June with them and then move permanently to them in November.

They say they are not willing to place her with me because I'm not married and therefore I can't be an official foster parent. I have made a strong case that they could consider me as a kinth since I know her through her being my daughter's best friend at school and I have had a long term relationship with her, but it seems that CPS would need to return back to court to have her court order changed from foster care to kinth care and they aren't willing to do that. So they have found a random family for her instead. It completely breaks my heart that after so many moves in her short life, that she is once again going to move to another placement with strangers who may or may not keep her and who may or may not treat her like a daughter. CPS has the opportunity to place her with me where she will be a full member of our family and she will never have to change families again and she will still have complete access to her birth family thought CPS’s supervision. I don't need to adopt her, I'm fine to just foster her until she ages out of CPS’s guardianship at age 21. And I don't need to receive the stipend since kinth carers are not eligible for the stipend, I will pay for everything myself. I want her to have bonds with her current foster family since she's lived with them for the last 6 years, I want her to have bonds with her birth family as long as it is safe, that is very important. I just think she deserves to be a member of a family that truly loves her and it breaks my heart that CPS doesn't feel that way.

At this point there’s nothing else that I can think of to do. So now I just need to focus on how to stay a positive and supportive part of her life as she goes through this transition. That likely means that that the foster family will need to “like” me and agree to have me stay involved in her life. Hope they are warm and open minded people. The best case scenario is she lands in an amazing foster family, I get to stay in her life and her foster family feels supported and everyone benefits.

Fearless continues to be his own worst enemy. He got into a fight at school, punched a kid and got suspended for 3 days. All while he’s literally on bail awaiting sentencing for setting a fire and shoplifting.

I’d like to say that he’s a good 12 year old kid with a kind heart, but he sounds so bad on paper. Is this how bad people get started? They start good and they snowball themselves into situations where they get so caught up in a bad lifestyle? I have to still believe he’s gonna outgrow or at least smarten up enough to get back on the right path, but he’s making it harder to keep that faith. He’s gonna get himself put in a juvie home and he’s gonna get more messed up and everything will get worse before it gets better.

His Mom said to me “some days I just want to go missing”. I understand where that comes from given her situation and the fact her own mother made that decision when she was 2 and never came back until years later. I told her I’d take Fearless for tonight and anytime she needs but she politely declined. He’s got counselling tomorrow. We need some miracles from that counsellor.

An update for those that remember the 4F Foster Cuties. Only the younger 2 are living at home. The older 2 are living in group homes sadly. Older Brother has been at his group home for more than 2 years but finally his Mom was showing enough love and care for him that she got to the point of overnights for him. But her idiot boyfriend started using swear words at him and twisting his ear and when Brother told the social workers about it, as predicted his mother defended her boyfriend and tried to punish him by declaring he can’t see the Other Foster Mom anymore. Thank goodness CPS isn’t going to allow that this time (last time they let her but she blew that privilege when she went months without seeing him and is currently doing the same with Older Sister). She hasn’t been posting on her social media lately but I noticed she put a post up in another language with an A.I. generated photo of an award from her kids school. So bizarre.

No one from CPS has contacted me yet about the email that got forwarded on to the whole Department Chief. I’m disappointed because I really thought it would at least get some response and encourage them to perhaps give it second consideration. I’m just hoping that it’s still being discussed internally.

But just gonna focus on the fact we’ve got a fun weekend planned. Helping my parents with a big project and then Fostet Friend and Younger Daughter come over to spend the night over there too. Nice to get some family time.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

An Expat Foster Care Adventure