I want to get back into collaging again, so hopefully after another move I can try and collect some stuff to get back to doing it again. There was a lot of catharsis in it c:
Going back to my roots on Mabinogi and PSO2 seemingly made things a bit more calmer, and really had to tell myself that I do have awesome people in my life that aren't out to get me or going to drop me.
Honestly, aside from some sickness here and there and financial troubles, things don't feel as terrible as a month ago. I still feel like there are going to be many changes ahead that I can see coming and things that will probably hit me like a tsunami, but it'll be okay.
Been through a hell of a lot worse, and with everything burning around the world, I think that having some small little treats and working on some more mental health brownies would do some good.
Breathing's tough, nightmares rough, but we're gonna be tougher~
I think I said in a previous post that I have to keep telling myself even more than ever to keep going. It's getting a lot harder. Because of a previous friendship turned awry, my cat's health, unable to really leave on my own since it isn't walkable at all really and then having to fight to get a well-overdue check so I can use it to pay for essentials and medications.... This stuff is really weighing me down. It feels like I'm back in that bloodied bathtub in that pink bathroom, trying to clean blood off stuff when I'm the one still bleeding out.
My mind continues bringing me back to these deep points of trauma, and with recent events, it feels amplified. You'd think after dreaming of someone passing away over and over, it would get easier. It just makes me feel more guilty that I could of done more to help. It makes me feel sick.
I don't really know how long I can keep it up before crashing tremendously again. There's needles dangled over me, slowly hitting my skin. I wish they would just all fall at once, so maybe instead I can just get over the pain. I wish my head could just be more positive. I just wish I could be happy.
Working at the bodega was very soul mending for me and made me feel really included in a community. After I left the state, I still reverse commuted to do weekend shifts.
A lot's happened since the beginning of COVID. Even though its so quiet here right now, only the noise of a fan and the ever-running faucet in the bathtub that may never get fixed being my BGM.
Its hard to really process everything - the good, the bad, the mediocre, and things just perpetually continue to happen that keep coursing my life to focus differently than where I thought I would be now.
All the trauma's been eating me up inside along with newfound agoraphobia type feelings uprising. The outdoors hasn't really been fun at all, but now its gotten to the point where I need to force myself to sleep on a train to relax or bus, keep breathing and not focus too hard on the people or things around me.
With the agoraphobic stuff happening, I really started to enjoy traveling. I got to meet my longtime friend I've known and travel to the West Coast. I like the East Coast more, but was very relaxed and calm and happy. Especially wanted to steal their dogs - but I restrained and instead took a million pictures of the beans.
Also found a black cat I'm calling Smokey. He's been a scaredy hissy baby, but recently started sitting visibly, interacting with our other cat, and stealing catnip silvervine stuffs under our noses. He's a goober.
I really just need to keep drilling into myself that I can't give up and keep getting drained by things I cannot control and can't give into the trauma circle. That this is going to end soon, it's going to be okay.
I just really hope it's going to be okay. I've been saying this since the Pandemic started, we lost our house and then apartment, things have been so uncertain and haphazard, and through sheer luck I seem to still be alive, well. We just need to keep going...
2023 has been nothing short of surprises - mostly good, some bad. It's been very eye-opening. The PTSD hasn't gone away, but I think that's okay. I won't lie that it's felt strange. I don't think my parents, or parental-like figures could imagine someone like me just kinda being on my own. And without my sister or my plushie I had gotten from my Uncle, it's been tough sometimes to make it through dark moments.
I haven't been waking up in a panic or to yelling, and walking late at night alone has become one of peace instead of insane anxiety that it was before. The job I have at the moment made me meet a lot of cool people, and others I could consider now friends. There's still some other amazing friends too, both close-by and now long distance that have been supportive and awesome, but I just don't want to be a burden to anyone or bring them down. I want at least the end of this year to end in some phrase that ends on a positive note.
I got to see some of my old students' work before they graduated as a part of a film festival they were having, went down memory lane in a day that left me both empty and full, got to finally make a comeback on set and do some grip and electric work. Got to celebrate Pride, work on my Streaming (then had to switch for VODs because of some issues with the internet so far).... Things are happening. Maybe I'm just overstimulated and overwhelmed by it all.
And well, though my Depression's worsened a lot more than I wanted it to, everything else makes me feel happy. The animals that come by bring me hope to just try to wake up another day, the silence prompts me to write more. Just gotta get to tomorrow, that's the goal.
In many anime and manga, the struggling protagonists and supporting cast always tugged on my heart. Pho in Houseki no Kuni constantly battling themselves and the world around them, Lain from Serial Experiments Lain questioning the reality around them, Shinji from Evangelion that won't go in the mech for the thousanth time. In cases like with Pho, a lot of growth occurs to the character and multiple stages. Even with so much change, however, Pho retains their extremely emotional state.
In the most recent anime and manga I've read, Alien Nine, the main protagonist is a crybaby coward that is so scared and fearful of a job she needs to do: kill aliens. Yuri is voted to become a member of the Alien Party that captures (and kills) aliens that invade the school, and even when death is right in front of her, she cries. She has nightmares constantly of events, she is always afraid of the situation. In even the weird third addition into the manga series, her clone of herself seemed to still want to very much protect her friends, but still was afraid or unsure of how to do that.
When I try to make my own characters, I feel I make them in a similar way that people would probably find annoying or disturbing in roleplays and storymaking. And when I think of the reason why I like these characters and writing sad stories and tales like these, I have to pause and breathe. Crying was considered childish, but I remember I cried all the time and to be honest, I still do, and the cries only became heavier as I continue to grow up today.
Afraid of the changes that are continuously getting thrown at me and having to deal with it, while feeling like I have to be "likeable" or "enough" for people. I looked down on characters like Shinji because I saw them as despicable or pitiful, then realize that there's multiple shards that I have in my character. That I'm as much as a coward as them, and that I disliked that part of myself.
I feel laying here as I did in that ER room. My mind never stopped running through the hiatus of movement. The hiatus of family, the distancing of intense emotions, and the constant dance with danger. Maybe a part of me hopes, just like in that moment, to make a mess again. To have nobody else around and just have this mess end. This consant feeling of not feeling better or good enough, this continuous "I want to help who I love" and "I can't do this" "I've made a mess," makes me no better than any of these characters people look down on so much.
There's catharsis with me with them, and just seeing them keep just being here. Just still being here through the turmoil and insanity, through the abandonment and deaths - somehow, it just makes the darkness fade just a little bit.
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