I feel like a burden… Like everything would be easier and better if I weren’t around anymore. All I can do lately is cry. And I don’t blame him… “I could do better.” won’t stop ringing in my ears and I know I took that whole conversation the wrong way, but I still feel a stab in the heart. Because he could do better. And one day, he will. But it won’t be with me. I need to let him go… Let myself drown in this ocean so he’ll be free. I remember when I first met him. I really do. I talked to him first. We didn’t call it or think of it like a date, but our first one was on his couch. We made chocolate covered strawberries and watched couples kiss on TV. I fell in love harder and faster than I ever thought possible. He was perfect in every way; perfect for me. He held me when I cried, he never cared if my hair looked messy or if I don’t brush my teeth before kissing him in the morning. But I’m not perfect for him, not even close, and we both can see that. We know it. Why are we still trying? I can’t fix the way I manage to say all the wrong things when he’s upset, the way I withdraw from him when I actually need him the most. The way I run when he needs me… I can’t fix it. I’m unfixable. Why am I still holding on? When I was a kid I was afraid of drowning. I never thought drowning on land, in your bed, on your couch, in your mind was possible. I never thought it would feel so real. Yongguk made me feel loved and wanted and so, so much more than I actually am. I was a rotten apple at the trunk of the tree and he picked me up because he likes cider. But when he cut me open and tore me apart he found nothing. He found worms and shriveled seeds. I can’t help but wonder if he wished he had picked a different apple. I know I wish he would have. I guess what I’m saying is that I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do anything anymore. It’s selfish and stupid and dramatic and not at all what I want, but I have to. I don’t know what else to do. It’s not a matter of getting over this feeling, it’s a matter of how long I’ll continue to let it wear on me. I’ll never stop feeling this way, I’m letting it win. It was always going to, anyway. I’ve said goodbye to the only one who really cared, and he’s letting me go. I feel free, almost happy. I’ve never felt this way my whole life. So light and unburdened. It’s over. It’s over, it’s over, it’s over. I can rest now. I can be peaceful. Serene. I feel great, it’s almost enough to make me stay. Almost. Please don’t cry because of this. It’s not something anyone could have helped. And even as I hold this pen, even as I hold the pills in my hand, I’m not crying. I’m happy. Happy. Don’t cry because I was finally happy for once in my life. Don’t cry because you miss me; smile because you’re finally able to forget me and move on.
