dazed & confused.

— ryan santos. 20. i aspire to be me.

[frckryan-blog]

moodboard: v.04 // “i mean, yeah, you know me. you know my face, you know my name, you may even know my quirky little habits -- but, do you really know me?”

[frckryan-blog]

moodboard: v.03 // ryan santos and carter arlington aka bfflz

[frckryan-blog]

moodboard: v.02 // ryan santos and ben richards (but mostly ryan to ben)

[frckryan-blog]

"As surprising as it sounds, I'm actually going to miss Bora Bora.. Mostly 'cause of the coconut-smelling rooms, though; that's for sure."

---

"Okay, so, I actually have questions this time? Great.. -- To start things off, yes, something major - like, really major - happened and you wanna guess what it is? --- I, Ryan, now have a giant ass bruise on the side of my leg from continuously falling off of the bed, yay! Scandalous, I know. But, in all seriousness, nothing drastic happened, but a couple slightly-major things did! One, I found out that my weirdo of a friend likes me and that I like him too. Two, I made so many new friends and that's honestly one of the main highlights of this trip. Lastly, I went hiking a lot and found this cool rock formation that looks like one of those Easter Island guys and named it Greg!" The last one being the highlight of her vacation in Bora Bora, obviously. "Did I.. hook up with anyone? Well, no, but yes, but mostly no! I wouldn't exactly call it 'hooking up,' since usually people do so strictly for the sex without anything else being tied to it. I did 'do the dirty,' yeah.. Name one person on this trip who hasn't! Not like there's a problem with it, but these things weren't exactly unexpected. I wouldn't want to disclose their name, since that would be rude of me if they didn't desire to express what happened, but if you know, then you know.. and most of you do, in fact, know." Ryan pondered on the next question, shoulders now motioned upwards into a shrug as she gestured a small "no" through the shake of a head. "Nothing else other than the obvious incident that happened during lovely game of truth or dare.. It surprised me a lot, actually. I sort of felt awkward at first and scared of how our friendship would end up, but in the end, everything went down a positive route and is continuing to do so; let's hope it stays that way!" "I thought I was going to go jet skiing, but that didn't happen. I also thought there'd be a lot more reptiles and marine life, but there wasn't as much as you'd see in The Galapagos Islands and stuff.. So, yeah! -- To recap, this trip was honestly one of the best I've had, and I know that's not the case for most people here, but it is for me and I'm honestly so grateful for that. Peace out fam."

[frckryan-blog]

moodboard: v.01 // rowena "ryan" victoria santos

[benxrichards-blog]

"Oh gee, thanks Ryan." Ben laughed shifting slightly to better his comfort. he and Ryan were sat close to each other yet he struggled to hear her. "I’m not a big fan of the mushy love stories, they make me feel sick." He definitely needed a drink, his previous consumption of alcohol was losing it’s buzz. It was a reason to leave, but only briefly, part of the man want his phone to buzz with a new dare or truth that came with a good enough reason to excuse himself and disappear for the rest of the night, another part of him want to just hold Ryan and kiss her like he had nothing better to do.  "I don’t know. The whole relationship thing would be too fast I agree." Ben began to pick at his nails, he hadn’t been a relationship for a few years now, he wanted too, but his past always acted as barrier causing him to stick with one night stands just to get an easy fuck. He didn’t want to do that with Ryan, so he wouldn’t. "I think we should see what happens." Ben smiled, watching the way she just listened to him. "And maybe one day we could run away and get married!" He joked preferring to joke about it. "So how are you finding the game? Fun, right?"

[frckryan-blog]

"Anytime!" She replied cheerily, a wide simper curling upon her lips. "You hate mushy romance stories, margaritas and other fruity drinks.. What else do you hate? Puppies? Gosh, you soulless human being.." She scoffed at the lad, shoving him lightly as she then rolled her eyes at his comment. "Kidding." Tonight won't be so bad, she pondered to herself, somehow actually enjoying the events tonight, though others may think differently.

"Definitely too fast." Ryan commented, accompanied by a brief nod. Though, not only would it be too fast to just hop into a relationship right now, but Ryan was scared of them, per-say. They weren't really commitment issues. She wouldn't mind committing to anything, actually! It's just oblivion she's fearing. Not being fully aware of what the future holds is truly one of the worst feelings ever. Of course, she'd hope for the best, but life doesn't always happen that way. There will obviously be obstacles she'd have to overcome, but the only one Ryan truly isn't capable of dealing with is losing any of her best friends, and that may happen. Setting aside the negatives, being more than friends with one of the best friends she's ever had would be an amazing experience. (Did that make sense?) Being friends before any of the feelings ever came into play is a definite perk, since the other would've already viewed her true colors. He knows how she's like, and Ryan can be herself one-hundred percent of the time. This is so cliche.

"Ha, yup! -- About that, I sort of got a dare before I went over here.. Ha.."

[benxrichards-blog]

He let out a sigh, it felt like he’d been holding his breath and it had began to burn his lungs. He expected his cheek to sting, but the feeling never came and to his surprise she hadn’t ran away. The male watched the orange flames fade into a navy blue gradient as the fire crackled quietly to it’s self, it was peaceful.  "Yeah, it’s weird, huh? An asshole like me actually has feelings" He smiled, but the words felt heavy on his lips, the man had be in relationships before, but none of them lasted long all, but one that ended up breaking his heart and left a scar that was still tender to touch. "If I was madly in love with you for years, then you would already be aware of how I feel about you." Was it love? No, not quite, she gave him butterflies, cliche right? He thought, wishing he had a drink to hand. Maybe one day he might love her like, but the thought of it made him feel sick. "So now what? We take each other hands and run off into the sunset and live happily ever after." He chuckled trying to make the air around them feel thinner. "Because that’s what the movies always suggest, but I’m guessing that’s somehow not how it works… Not for us anyway."

[frckryan-blog]

Somehow, someway, Ryan managed to remain put and allow herself to grow comfortable within the situation. The idea that she is fully capable of withstanding a conversation like this and not a simple kiss truly baffled her. It was immensely confusing, really. But, the incident that occurred days ago was what brought the two to their current position. Things really do happen for a reason, then, and that very concept was just proved.

Her elbow nudged the lad beside her, feet rhythmically tapping against the ground sediment, "Hey, you're not an asshole. Not the biggest one, at least." The brunette's gaze dropped to the earth once again, digits currently tangling into the noir hair accessory formerly resting upon her wrist. "No! Some people are really good at hiding stuff like that.. Like super good. Haven't you seen those typical romance movies where the guy has loved a girl for years and doesn't actually admit it until they're like.. old 'n stuff? That probably doesn't happen in real life, though.."

Rose lips upturned into a gentle smile; one so rare that its only evident at certain periods -- this obviously being one of them. "I mean, if we ran off into the sunset, we'd be going into the ocean, you know that, right? We're on an island, Ben. The most we could do of that sort is stay on the shoreline and watch the sunset together like in movies and all that.." Her shoulders rose into a mere shrug, falling lightly as Ryan's gaze then diverted back to the lad. "How do you want it to work, since the whole 'running off into the sunset' thing isn't a plausible choice here.. 'Cause, really, both of us most likely don't want to jump into a relationship or anything; that'd be a little too fast, you know? I guess I'm just trying to say that for now, I'm content with just knowing you feel the same. -- Unless you totally want to run away and get married right now, 'cause I'd be totally fine with that. You'd just have to deal with my other two wives." There she goes again. Ryan could never remain serious. Throwing a joke or two in a conversation is purely upon instinct.

[frckryan-blog]

"There's seriously going to be another one of these? Great! Love it."

---

"Hey, so.. One question before we start, 'kay? Why do we seriously need to be doing this? Can't you pull your magic gossip girl shit and take your 'scandalous stories' out of our asses? No? Bummer. -- 'Kay, so.. the bonfire. That was, uh, interesting, to say the least. It ended with a whole shitstorm of confessions and things that aren't my business, to talk about, but I can say that I was almost sure that a riot would happen -- guess I was wrong. Um, I had a bit of fun! I didn't drink. But I did get a ton of nachos which were way better than those s'mores everyone was having. When it was my turn, it was pretty awkward.. But that's just a perk of playing truth or dare, huh? Reminds me of the time I was a stupid kid in high school and we always played truth or dare.. It was pretty much the same this time around except we're adults, but adults that act like kids in the worst ways possible. At least I was sitting by my friends during that time, who rejected a few of their dares because they're all wimps.. Kidding! I don't mean that. If I got dared to do some of the things they did, I'd probably run away.. My specialty, right? Surprisingly enough, I didn't actually stick to my specialty of pushing away all my responsibilities and choices and stuff tonight.. I actually talked to Ben and stuff about feelings 'n shit. Not because I was dared to, though. I wanted to do that since the incident a couple days ago but I haven't really pushed myself to actually go through with it until tonight, so.. We talked, he was being the a cliche little shit but it's fine because it was sort of cute? It kind of made me want to vomit though... Just kidding. Ben, if you're watching this, I didn't mean it! I swear! We kissed.. again. But this time around, my mind wasn't buzzing and I wasn't intoxicated.. I don't think he was either? Uh.. Nothing else involving me really happened! But all the other stuff that happened was entertaining, but pretty scary. Now I really don't want to get on certain people's bad sides... So, yeah. That's it! I'm signing off -- peace."

[benxrichards-blog]

                                                           ”Ryanal-chan! hey!”

Ben hid his nerves with a simple smile, he was glad to see her, despite the fact that she’d been siting a few humans away from her. The last few days had been crazy, not because of the island, but with Ryan. If he was honest he would’ve never expected this - whatever it was - to have developed so much, the actor drew in a deep breath and glanced down at his phone. DARE: Tell Ryan how you really feel about her. What was the worst that could happen? She’d reject him and their  friendship would never be the same again? Shit. If he were completely sober this would be impossible, but the man could feel the alcohol cushion his brain and fizzy in his veins. He felt sick as he angled his body to her direction. Just be honest with her Ben. 

"So, I got this dare which is really a truth, but I just want you to know that you can slap me if what i say doesn’t sit right with you, just don’t hate me, hear me out." He paused to let himself get comfortable with what he was about to say. "So the dare was to tell you how I really feel, normally I would do this in private. When I’m completely sure of what I’m doing and I know it won’t ruin anything… but that’s not the case here." Ben stopped again, he could hear the chatter and random busters of laughter around them as him lifted his hand to rub his nose, it was a habit from his childhood.  "Ryan, I think I have genuine feeling for you - and I know I can be harsh and cold sometimes, but I don’t mean it, it’s just I don’t know any other way to keep myself away from you… The other night when we kissed… I really liked it, you’re a great kisser and today when we went hiking and a piece of your hair stuck to your cheek, you look gorgeous… Okay, you can slap me now if you want."

[frckryan-blog]

So, this was her cue, right? Her cue to run away and just block this whole week out? What happens in Bora Bora stays in Bora Bora -- well, the bad parts at least. The grumpiness, the negativity infecting the atmosphere, the awkwardness.. But not the good moments. Not the kiss, not waking up and seeing him first thing in the morning, not the squad trips that have happened and will happen more throughout the week; those are the memories she wouldn't mind keeping and reflecting upon in the future. Oh, goodness. Can this get any more awkward? Seriously? Do they actually have to be doing this in public? Ugh. 

"I'm not going to slap you, Ben. Unless it's like, something unimaginably drastic then I might have to."

Her knees were brought up against her chest, legs crossed in a comfortable manner as she remained quiet, simply to allow the other to speak. Saying that Ryan just "wasn't good at moments like these" was the biggest understatement of the century. Sure, she's had crushes in the past; everyone has. But, she'd always be the one to do her utmost ability to conceal her feelings and simply so so until she just let them go. That definitely wasn't the case here. 

Here she was, gaze locked upon the male before her, features altering to fit the mood of the situation as she proceeded on listening in to what he was voicing. This was so foreign to the brunette. Never in her life had she been in a situation that required her to do such a thing. 

"Seriously? I, uh -- Yeah." Don't mess this up, Ryan. "I'm supposed to say something back like those cliche romance movies, right? Well, um.. I'm not going to hit you, first of all. But I just, don't know what to say? This sort of thing has only happened once before, and even that stuff turned to shit but.. -- Wow, this is so weird. Never knew you'd be such a sap, Ben." She was merely joking (hopefully Ben would be able to see that). But, it's a good sign. Jokes and sarcasm for Ryan are either utilized a defense mechanism, or a method to lighten up certain situations. In this one, it was definitely the latter.

"So, is that it? Damn, I actually thought you were going to say that you've been madly in love with me for years. Bummer. But, yeah.. I kinda.. Sorta, maybe feel the same way.. Surprisng, right?"

[frckryan-blog]

Nimble fingers continually fumbled in the female's lap; heart racing at an evidently aberrant pace, but hey, that's just one of the many perks truth or dare has to offer, right? She was scared, to say the least. The fear pulsing throughout the brunette's system was unhealthy. Ryan could've said no to doing the mentioned dare, but she felt as if she'd somehow be ashamed, embarrassed to show her face, even. She was probably overreacting, but fear is what pushes you to do things you never thought you'd be capable of. Ryan then stood up, sensing dozens of eyes upon her as she walked over to the male sat a couple people away from her - since she decided upon staying beside Alaura the whole night - and took a seat between the lad and some other person she didn't pay much attention to. This was it! If she said something stupid, like she usually does, she'd probably ruin the whole friendship and just make everything awkward like she's done in the past with many others. It was a spiteful habit, but a habit she could not contain with a faint heart. Strike me with lightning, please. That'd be highly useful right now! All she desired to do was run. Run far, far away from all these complications and just... not.  "So.. Hi, Bean! What's up? Having fun at this great game of truth or dare? I know I am!" She spoke, sarcasm dripping from her voice as she tried her best to stall.

[frckryan-blog]

"Great.. Here I go. Whooptie doo."

---

"Okay, so, I've never really did a thing like this before? --- Scratch that, I have. Oops. It's basically an interview, right? But like, without the direct question asking.. Got it." The female cleared her throat, shifting against the edge of the bed. This was just so.. awkward? Who even does these? "Gosh, I feel like I'm on an episode of survivor or something. This is so weird." What am I even supposed to talk about? Chocolate locks were then pushed behind her ear, a closed fist then pressing against soft lips as she cleared her throat. "Well, first of all, this place is beautiful.. Like, wow.. I've never been here before! Especially with my friends.. Usually we all just hang out on set and at each other's places, but being here with the people I love the most.. that's the best thing I could ask for! -- Um.. I'm pretty happy about the rooming situation. Linc's there and Fe is too! And Ben is too.. Hah. I don't know where he is right now, but let's hope he doesn't come in and interrupt this thing! I've pretty much been exploring the whole day.. Apart from now and earlier at that party thing. The party was fun! I hung out with Rey for a bit and then Felix and Ben.. Then I went swimming with Letha and Alaura! -- This isn't the stuff you'd really want to hear for your little "gossip show" or whatever, huh? Oh well. You just gotta deal with it. I guess you'd want to hear something about me and Ben, yeah? -- Well, here's the 411. We're just friends. I don't think anything will really happen.. We're just close, that's all. I don't think he even sees me like that, even though people say he does.. Yeah.. So, yeah!" Well, this was getting a bit awkward. "I mean, we kissed.. It was nice.. Like, really, really nice and I wouldn't mind doing again, but --- I don't think it meant anything.. I think it was just an 'Oh, I'm drunk. Let's just kiss' sort of thing, you know?" Her gaze dropped down to her lap, fingers intertwining with the black hair band resting around her wrist.. A habit of hers that only surfaces in awkward situations where she's uncomfortable and or flustered. "Anyways...! I'm super ready to have tons of fun and stuff and yeah.. That's pretty much it.. Bye, I guess? Let's hope I get coconuts thrown at me or some hot French guy sweeps me off my feet! That'll give me something to talk about next time! For now.. peace out, guys."