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libertarirynn-deactivated202006

You manipulated me into believing I’m someone I’m not.

I need someone to take care of me. To hold me when I’m sick, to take me where I need to go, to tell me everything will be ok. I need someone to take care of me

I wake up sick everyday. I physically feel so dead and weak. My menatality is deteriorating due to the amount of unknown sadness that fills my mind constantly. The feeling of being so alone and unheard but knowing I have so much support. Not being able to sleep for months because my body is too hurt to be comfortable and relax. Going from loving to hating all my favourite foods in the matter of a day. Becoming a ghost in my own body by turning on the dissociation switch in my brain and not being able to turn it back off. Trying so hard to smile at my loved ones while I’m really just shattering beneath the first layer of my skin. Feeling so useless and helpless, feeling bad for not physically being able to be helpful. Trying many different medications and remedies with no success. Going to doctors and therapists. Trying to keep myself busy but only finding more time to think about the meaning of life, and finding absolutely no meaning. Loosing so much weight to the point my family can barley look at me.... I keep telling myself, THIS IS NOT WHO I AM. But everyday I begin to think this is who I am because I can’t change my physical and mental health. It only gets worse as time continues.

psychedelic blog

Progress is dancing to the same song i used to cry to

movemequotes

“In a sense, every habit is just an obstacle to getting what you really want. Dieting is an obstacle to getting fit. Meditation is an obstacle to feeling calm. Journaling is an obstacle to thinking clearly. You don’t actually want the habit itself. What you really want is the outcome the habit delivers. The greater the obstacle—that is, the more difficult the habit—the more friction there is between you and your desired end state. This is why it is crucial to make your habits so easy that you’ll do them even when you don’t feel like it. If you can make your good habits more convenient, you’ll be more likely to follow through on them.”

— James Clear, Atomic Habits