freddy wyland

I am not Freddy Wyland. You think I'd put my real name on a sign that can be read by millions of people, some of who are quite happy to knock over furniture?

[freddywyland]

Everybody google Florida Man and the day of your birthday and report back

I did Florida Man December 20 and got "Florida man put semen in coworker's water" and I am so done wit this

[freddywyland]

An insight about time travel

So what if the first time travellers are just super nerds who come back and do crazy magic tricks with their technology and end up playing Vegas? We'd never be able to tell the difference. We just think they're really studied at their art.

[freddywyland]

Life is a sentence with a grammar error

Your life is a question ending in a period, and you have left it up to the reader to infer the question mark. Otherwise they consider it possibly an instruction. And they say, what the fuck are you talking about?

[freddywyland]

The rings around my belly

I look at my gut and wonder how many pounds of fat were formed by the lies I’ve told through my life, the unease and distress in my life that it has created, that I’ve sublimated through stress eating. I could count my gut like I count the trunk of a tree. There is a mathematical equation showing that the circumference of my body is directly proportional to the lies I've told recently.

[freddywyland]

Every year, my kid makes a Jenga tower from his candy. Smarties is missing out on a major marketing opportunity if they only made their boxes wide enough to fit three

[freddywyland]

the commercial without context

Just before work, I was at a coffee shop down the street, and the television was on but muted. A commercial caught my eye, and I had no idea what it was for, but it showed a happy woman in her plush living from and she’s opening a turquoise box. Her husband is there beside her, excited too. When she opens it, we see that it is an old sixties-style record player. As she puts on an album, and drops the needle on the record, a message displays: Not recommended for people with liver disease. And I thought, damn, what a terrible record that must be.

[freddywyland]

How I knew I was addicted to coffee

My coffee maker has a pinhole in the grinder. It was caused by the abrasive wear of crushed coffee beans. They slowly ate away at the hard plastic wall, and finally a pinhole formed, out of which fine grains of coffee spewed every time I made a fresh pot. It filled the gap between the housing and the wall of the coffee maker, with a fine dust of ground coffee and I  wondered if I should just clean it out.

But another part of me said that I should let it go on compacting, getting harder and harder until at last it formed a brick that I could then grind up and smoke in a bong. And that’s when I knew I was addicted to coffee.

[freddywyland]

The moment after the psychotic break

That moment when you’ve been standing around waiting for your friends so long and they’re still not here, and then you start to worry a little that maybe you’ve had a psychotic break, you don’t have actual friends, and you’ve been hallucinating all this time.

[freddywyland]

I am not Jeff Norden. I don't even think jeff Norden is Jeff Norden

There was this guy, Jeff Norden , who was in my grade five class. he could snort milk up his nose and spit it out his mouth. Every time someone talks about this generation, they lump me together with Jeff. I hate that. I hate being in the same tribe as him.

[freddywyland]

Are you robbing the whole of you

Someone wrote this on a bathroom stall at UBC. I never took a picture of it, but it was good enough to remember: Are you robbing the whole of you in order to pay a part of you? 

[freddywyland]

Trump, Season 2. Episode 5

52 minutes. After agreeing with doctors to at least try the little pills, the President stands before Congress and delivers a speech of compassion and compromise

[freddywyland]

Remember creepy clowns?

Remember all the creepy clown sightings across America this summer?

Every day, someone was showing a picture on social media of something creeping out of the bushes with a wig and foam nose. It was all we could talk about.

And then, one day it was over, as if one of them became President and they were all like, "Can't top that," and bam it just stopped

[freddywyland]

People who grew up in the 70s will get this. But they're not on Tumblr

HIM: (Leaning back after a big meal) Ahhhhh. How do you spell relief? F.A.R.T.

HER: D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

And then everyone go divorced.

Pretty much.

[freddywyland]

Beware the Gestapo of the Left as much as the Gestapo of the Right

[freddywyland]

The laws and gods

The laws of the universe are the same wherever you are. The Gods of the universe are, therefore, the same wherever you are. 

[freddywyland]

Dead Cat Murder

I once read a newspaper article  about a child who was clubbed to death by a dead cat. The article offered no evidence that the cat was dead when the murderer first wielded it on his victim. The cat could have been alive, and died as a result of the injuries it sustained when striking the child's head. It stands to reason: if hitting a child in the head with a cat is sufficient to kill the child, it's probably sufficient to kill the cat as well.

[freddywyland]

Everyone except Ghandi

A voice reminds me constantly that I believe I can do far more than I actually can. But another voice tells me that I’m like anyone else because overconfidence is the human condition.

No one knows all the things they are terrible at, except maybe Ghandi, but that’s not an excuse. ‘Except Ghandi’ applies to everything bad.

Everyone likes to cheat on their taxes. Except Ghandi.

Everyone likes to go back for seconds. Except Ghandi.

Everyone likes to wear shoes. Except Ghandi.

It just works