FreedomInWonderland

[freedominwonderland]

Feeling Loved

Finally had a chance to visit my family home. Do you have the strange feeling that your transitioned loved ones are still around? I dropped by my mom's room and it still smells the same. I somehow feel that she is still around me, watching me, and smiling at me. Long story short, the place was in much better condition than I thought. Things all worked out again.... I feel as if my mom has been watching over me. Guiding me. Trying to take care of me again.

A mother's love would never die. I feel incredibly grateful for my experience so far. For the people I met. For the potentials of what life could bring and what I could create.

I feel hopeful and inspired. I want to do what I think is right. I want to be free to be myself. I want to do what I am here meant to do. Being myself, being blessed. Life is short. Let's enjoy the ride.

[freedominwonderland]

Chinese view of going with flow

Have been back to home country dealing with another family emergency. It happened to be around Chinese new year. After decades of spiritual deprivation, Buddhism is making a comeback. I get to revisit some old saying with a different view point. These sayings have been passing down for generations.

命里有时终须有，命里无时莫强求。

It means that whatever is yours it will happen. If it is not meant to be, there is no point of pushing for it.

When I was little, I always thought this to be quite passive. But now, I find this to be incredibly wise. It is an attitude. The way we can sit through stillness, fight through low points, while holding on to the hope and the faith. This is the stage to be at to manifest. This is the openness we need to allow everything to happen.

[freedominwonderland]

Humbling yet flattering

Life always has a unique sense of humor. When I finally felt grounded, connected, motivated on my path, it pulled the rug under my feet and watched my reactions, amused. :)

I am settling into a new chapter of my career, challenged yet intrigued and motivated. I am settling into my new home, thoroughly enjoyed the place with my girls. I am settling with my friends, feeling incredibly connected.

Then, boom, cancer came back to my father. This brought me back to the very moment that I got the unforgettable call at 2am for my mom's passing... a little over year ago. It brought back so many memories and so many dark days. I thought that by the time I would go through this again, I would be with someone already. Nope. I think I am supposed to deal with this all by myself all over again.

I feel humbled yet flattered. Life always shows you what really matters. Sometimes, it will remind you of who you really are and who you are meant to be. Sometimes, it will give you a chance to shed, once again.

I am making some difficult decisions. Heartbreaking either way. It is always difficult to say goodbye. More challenging to keep it together while light on. Boom.... here we go.... AGAIN!

[freedominwonderland]

Independent

One of my many manifestations is to get my own place. I bought places before with my ex. But it is my first time going through the process on my own. Old house, many issues, big/small, finding people to fix or evaluate. House doesn't come with any window covering. After interviewing over various 15 contractors for different matters, I spoke to a person about window treatment. After walking him around the house, he gave me the price breakdown and said, hey, you should talk to your husband and see if it falls within your budget and let us know.

It is interesting how people naturally assume that a lady has to be married with a husband to support house purchases. It is very amusing to say the least.

I am grateful to be able to support myself with a house. A house with a view and convenience at a relatively prime location. I often tell people around me that sometimes you can have both. Sometimes you don't have to trade off.

Life is supposed to be fun, free, and joyful. It is awesome to sit back, relax and watch how it unfolds.

Yes. You can be awakened, spiritual and incredibly grounded. You can have it all. Blessed.

[freedominwonderland]

Peaceful

Let the blog be the blog. Some random thoughts these days.

Each time I visited Esalen, something major would happen. Just finished my 3rd trip and have been having a lot of thoughts and understanding.

Human beings are pretty interesting. We tend to hold on to things. I am in the middle of the move, looking at my garage and completely puzzled. How did I end up with these much stuff? ha. Yes. We tend to hold on to physical belongs, painful emotions/memories, and self pities. At some point, these have become how we label ourselves. Interesting? Yes.

Letting go is really about letting these labels go, letting our obsession go, and being a child again. Peeling off layers of painful emotions, painful memories, self pities, frustrations, fear etc. Awakening who you truly are. Past is past. Future never happens. All we have is now. Why do we still hold on to things that no longer serve us? Interesting? Yes.

I have been feeling a very deep sense of peace. Like watching a sunrise/sunset/moon set. Feeling incredibly grounded. If it makes any sense, I feel like a monk practicing in professional world and life, raising children.

Yes. Things never happened to me, always happened for me. When every single foundation of your life is shattered, what left is just you. Your thoughts. Your spirit. You soul.

I have experienced terminal illness to parent, death of a parent, a divorce, financial struggle, professional ethical situation, relative betrayal, dealing with legal loopholes, cancer scare, health issues, children struggles and being able to sit through and ride the waves. Going through the storms and sitting through the stillness. I am very happy to fight through and sit through all challenges before turning 40. I have been retrained and reborn. I have been rewarded. I have found my peace and my balance. I have found myself.

Interesting? Yes. Life is worth living for.

Looking back, when my car was flipping in the air over 10 years ago, I found it a miracle of walking away with just bruises. I often wondered how and why I survived without much consequences. I thought my purpose was to serve my parents and maybe raise successful children? I thought that I was not worth surviving such a horrendous and somewhat ridiculous car accident. Now I finally understand. I have work to do. I am worth it.

[freedominwonderland]

Unexpected trip back to Esalen

Esalen has always been special to me. Finally had a gap in my calendar and cannot wait to go back. Originally hoping to join the meditation workshop, but ended it up with a sound journey session given availability. Never tried a sound journey before. Curious and excited.

This trip was totally unexpected. Arrived at the facility exhausted from daily life, out of balance, and a bit deflated. Got assigned to a new suite in Maslow. Different experience than Fritz guest but still pleasant.

First evening session was relaxing. The soothing crystal bowel got me to a different level of meditation and I passed out. lol Relaxed in the bath after and saw a beautiful moon set! Dark golden moon set.

Saturday session was very unexpected. Saw a raccoon (the infamous stalker to some participants) right before the session. During my meditation/discussion, it came to me that it is time for me to move on.... from something I held onto for too long. It brought up a lot of memories. Enjoyed the afternoon break and hang out in baths a bit more. The whole class saw whales together and enjoyed the beautiful sunset and some sound ceremony. The sound bath session at night was very magical. I went for more baths after and saw shooting stars... twice. :) I got greedy making wishes. :)))) Also ran into some beautiful drum sessions at the bath house by accident. Didn't mean to intrude but truly enjoyed the music.

Sunday morning was very emotional as usual. Saw a rabbit on my way out of the bathhouse. :) I went back to visit my old spot from my first tobacco session. So many memories and emotions were brought up. Had a lot of releases there and on the way back home. I felt lifted after and relieved.

Someone at the session noted that what you need most will come to you. This was an unexpectedly needed trip.

Fun note. I realize that I am getting better at manifestation and co-creating. Right before the trip, I got so interested in shaksuka and really wanted to try it out. Sunday breakfast was shaksuka. I was over the moon. lol Yes. foodie writing here. lol ha

The instructor Deva Munay is pretty cool. If you are like me wanting to try sound journey, it might be a good idea to take her session. Her crystal bowels are so beautiful and hahaha very expensive. So pleasant to look at and hear. :)

[freedominwonderland]

When your blessings are manifested, are you able to catch them?

Want to share a note of gratitude. I took my chance to jump and float with life. I sat through the tests and lessons. I cried and laughed. I had extreme desperation and happiness. I faced death and experienced living. I made wishes. I learned to be patient. My wishes are coming true.

The question is whether you are able to catch your blessings? Truly grateful for all my lessons. Blessing receiver training has now been completed.

[freedominwonderland]

Do what you feel is right

One of many social conditioning I grew up with is to weigh the social judgments caused by your actions. My post-op recovery has been bumpy and I decided to spoil myself for a faster recovery. Soooo I went for a few trips during holiday break and just went to visit one of the best retreats in N. Cal. It was beautiful and one of the best trips I ever had.

Stayed in a tree house, with beautiful view, wonderful food, packed fitness/wellness classes, good massage and just wonderful people around. It fixed so many issues in my body and mind. lol A trip well worth it.

I came back, fully reset, ready to go again.

I am forever grateful to be able to make these trips and how my body reacts in the process. I hope my children would learn from me that to do what you think and feel is right for yourself. Living the life of my dream.

[freedominwonderland]

Children

It is Chinese New Year and is bringing back a lot of memories. Happen to run into some articles around young children with mysterious illness and the way their parents think at the moment, their hopelessness and their fear. The moment to understand what is really important.

Growing up in a Asian household in an Asian environment was interesting. There were a lot of pre-conditioning and competition for ego. Somehow success was (and still is) equal to be in Ivy league. So much unnecessary stress for children and their parents. So many expectations laying on the children to meet the 'quota' set by their parents. Very unhealthy relationship built upon lack of security and the need for being seen, the ego. So much codependence.

My hope for my children is health and happiness, knowing who they are, loving who they are, doing what they love and helping others the best way they can.

My hope for me is to be aware of my preconditioning and be brave and strong enough to be supportive of my children and be their rock, no matter what. I am here to break the pattern and create a new beginning for my children.

A life without purpose is not a life. A life without passion is not a life. We are here to fulfill and experience. We are here to enjoy.

[freedominwonderland]

Waiting

Waiting is not stagnation

Waiting is knowing

Waiting is trusting

Waiting is believing

Waiting is stillness

I trust, I believe

It is worth waiting for.

[freedominwonderland]

Silent Retreat and the continuation

Had a bit of tough time recovering after my surgery. Bleeding barely stopped 3 weeks post opt. Just gained another level of understanding of my physical body.

Went to a silent retreat over thanksgiving in Big Sur. It was unexpectedly peaceful and gave me some space time to read/rest/reflect/heal. Had a chance to hike a lot and it helped my recovery quite a bit.

Went to Muir Wood over the weekend alone. I got lost in trails. Funny story. I always have this unreasonable fear about narrow dirt path high up in mountains that goes downhill... Bam.... I was slammed with all types of fear alone, early in the morning, solo.... stuck on top of mountain, completely lost without cell signals. Hello.... fear central. Lucky enough, I met a wonderful couple from LA. The girl held my hand in some tough spots. We were able to find the way back... safe and sound. An hour of hike turned into a 3 hours of struggle. But all worth it in the end.

Thought this marked the final phase of my trials, including parent with cancer (refusing treatment), parent had a stroke (paralyzed after), divorce, COVID, passing of a parent, visiting foreign country in the middle of COVID with long quarantine and tricky logistics (separate from my children as a result for 3 months), dealt with a number of legal loopholes for family arrangements, went for M&A discussion by myself, faced with my health issue of potential cancer diagnosis, went through unethical work situation resulted in whistle blow, found a new job while dealing with biopsy, jet lag, children, quarantine, almost car accidents a couple of times, tricky family dynamic, surgery solo (passing out from stitches fell apart alone at home).... all happened within 3 years. Surprise, my younger child is now having COVID.

Can't help but to laugh quite a bit. My life is complete. :=) Happy quarantine. :)

But in all honesty, one of the things I get to understand is to live in the moment. Accept all things within and without in the NOW. I appreciate the supports I have received (including the LA couple. ha!). So my trials continue. I am marching towards my tomorrow laughing and rolling on the ground.

[freedominwonderland]

Happy Singles Day

Yay to the Singles Day! I survived my first surgery, fixed broken stitches, and thankful that I woke up from passing out from the bleeding (and was able to do laundry after). 😅

It was an interesting experience when you called your doctor for a welfare check in post op and was told to come in right away…. And seeing the doctor fixing you up right in the clinic. Perfect gift to my singles day. :) I feel much better and happy that the bleeding finally stopped! LoL

[freedominwonderland]

Struggles

I think it is important to share some of the struggles too. Recently, I came to become aware that I need to go through a surgery. Small. But it is the first surgery that I ever need to go through. I am nervous. I am alone. I need help. Fortunately, my girlfriends have been volunteering to help. I am grateful for that. Getting ready and getting things lined up for next week.

Family issues overseas have also been bubbling up. It triggered a lot of past wounds in me. It is always difficult for me to deal with these matters. I have been out of that country for too long. Completely clueless. I am all on my own again. It is an interesting experience when your relatives criticizing you and judging you though they are fully aware of your situation. Lucky for me, I now know how to politely say back off and respect me, after being discriminated, undermined, and belittled for decades. After 3 days of thinking and strategizing, I am able to manage the situation. But I am very drained. I am grateful for some family friends giving me advice, despite my moments at 4am my time...

As life is difficult, I went back to online dating. Met some interesting characters. I got out of online dating again. I realized that I am still not ready. The people I am attracting, though all successful and well off, are not right. Red flags all over like fireworks on independence day....

Not going to lie. I had some moments of doubt, some moments of self pity, some moments of disappointments, and some moments of desperation. But what is important, as always, is that I pick myself up, dusting things off, and keep moving forward. Bruised but moving ahead. This time around, I am more aware. I now know how to take care of myself. I now know how to rebuild my belief. I now know that I need to know myself better.

[freedominwonderland]

Being tested or being prepared

Some thoughts after meditation today. We often describe turbulence in life as being tested. Should we say that we are being prepared? Prepared for the next phase of our life. Prepared for our life purpose. I feel excited and incredibly peaceful. Had a great meditation session and feeling refreshed.

[freedominwonderland]

Riding the waves

Sometimes it is truly amusing to extract yourself and just observe where life takes you. Deep sense of peace while riding the waves.

It was so good to see a circus back in the region. They survived last year. Brought my little ones over and really felt their appreciation of the performance now. Hopefully, cirque du soleil will be back to the region at some point also. Truly miss all their wonderful shows.

Finished off consultation with my doctor earlier today and decided on a surgery. Recovery will be interesting while taking care of kids alone. But I can do it. :)

Rained quite a bit over the weekend. It is funny to see how kids reacted to the rain (they have been living through draught since they were born). Thoroughly entertained. Drove through the heavy rain which reminded me of my younger days in Vancouver. Back then, I was young, single and living the life. Now, here I am. Full circle but more stable.

Feel oddly peaceful and settled with where life has taken me. It has led me back to me. Feel at home.

[freedominwonderland]

Freedom

I was raised as an atheist in a fast paced environment, constantly on the go. Seeing is believing was the way to go. I was caged, confined, judged, and stressed.

The walk of labyrinth a couple of weeks ago was enlightening to me. I found my inner peace of surrendering. My biopsy result came out positive this week. So believing is seeing has been what is missing in my life.

This health scare ended a long painful cycle of my life. I am freed, renewed, and starting afresh. Went for SF symphony yesterday night. Music and performance were wonderful. Crowd was great too. I felt I belonged. SF symphony is magical.

[freedominwonderland]

Labyrinth

Finished my biopsy last Thursday. Alone. I consider myself a tough cookie. But I am not gonna lie. I had my moments after. Had a chat with my psychologist on Friday about this. Dying is easy. Living is not. If I am dead, WTF do I care? I am dead. lol It is the living that I was worried about. My father is well arranged. I am only worried about my little ones. They are still too little. :-)

This biopsy is very personal to me. It triggered a sharp reminder of certain decisions I made. I was very well reminded of certain period of my life, which was very dramatic. I relived. I self pitied (not gonna lie). But I was able pick myself up more quickly than before.

My trip to the retreat in Scotts Valley was made months ago. I originally thought the timeline was odd, given I went to Esalen pretty recently. But it turned out that it was exactly what I needed.

The retreat is well situated in the middle of the redwood forest, blessed with beautiful trails, trees, birds, and butterflies. The retreat was well renoed and maintained. Staff were very friendly. Food was great. Not a lot of people on campus. I thoroughly enjoyed the solo time with self to reflect. I also somewhat overcame my pretty dramatic/irrational fear of going down the hill. :) Pretty proud of myself going alone on the hiking trails.

What helped me the most was actually the walk of labyrinth on Sunday morning. I set my intention to be able to release all my resistance and completely flow in life. I walked out realizing that all paths are necessary to the end goal. Going through the motion to observe and watch it unfold is what is necessary to the end goal. We need to have certain realizations, meet certain people, go through certain experience to fully achieve the end goal. Feeling loved. To put it in another way, certain lessons can only be learned in horrible ways. lol I went through just that in a very short period of time.

This biopsy to me means a death of my old life, the old way of living, the old way of thinking and walking the life. We always have a choice to make. I choose to rise. :)