"by bond, by blood"

lost in the wilderness of words.

[freezeandmarvel]

Black and White

You feel like love, fully—The kind of love I didn’t think existed, the kind I dreamed of when I was 15. You knew me back then, too.

| E. H. Hoffman

[freezeandmarvel]

“I think I love you. I can’t see you anymore”

Deep gold surrounds your eyes,

And when I looked in,

I could see the life I thought I always needed—strong arms to hold me.

Soft lips to kiss me in the morning.

An intelligent mind I could explore for eternity.

Do you remember how we used to sleep on the floor in your old room?

I loved how you pulled the blankets over our heads and pulled me in tight to your chest.

I’ll never forget that. How could I?

Now that it’s over, I’m not grieving in the way I thought I would.

You tore me down, but then you built me right back up. You helped me see exactly who I am, and who I wanted to be.

There will be marks of you on me, in every way-

I still see you in secret corners of this city, you’re etched into the sunset over the skyscrapers, you’re tucked into the trees we parked under the first night we kissed, and you’ll forever be interlaced within the pale yellow light bouncing off the walls in the earliest hours of the morning.

The life I need has always been within reach, but I wouldn’t have known that without you.

I’ll never forget you. How could I?

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

Hold Me

You’re afraid of the dark.

And I’m afraid if I keep allowing myself to hold you in the pitch black of the patterns we’ve created, I’ll lose myself there.

I will not lose myself there. Not ever again.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

Generations

The film stopped rolling

And there were spots on the screen, flecks popping up here and there.

Everyone got quiet as we walked to the back of the theatre.

I saw the teenager sweep the aisles so carelessly, as if we all weren’t just whisked away to another world, a completely different time and space.

My dad and I walked across the street to buy cigarettes, needing to somehow mirror the actors in the movie, and we passed by the diner he used to eat at with his dad.

I imagined my grandfather holding the door open for his young son, and thought for a moment how special my dad must’ve felt to be with him, the same way I felt walking with him next to me.

He told me a story I had never heard, and all at once I was caught up in how movie-like he’s always been to me. The kind of nuanced hero you can’t help but adore, wondering how he so seamlessly is what he is.

But I’m fortunate, because I get to see behind the scenes with this one. I’ve shared him with many people other than my siblings, but I know that what I got tonight no one else ever will.

I’ll remember this long after his film ends, and I’ll walk away just as enchanted as I did tonight, feeling fortunate to have been in that time and space.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

Worth it

7 years ago

You and I were different

But now we’re here,

Older, sadder, wiser,

Gasping for the sweetness of first freedoms.

You said you know what I deserve,

And you know what you deserve,

And the risk is worth it.

I Have nothing to give,

Truly empty hands.

But maybe this is the point I’ve missing,

Maybe I need to receive something good,

Maybe I’ve gotten so used to giving, and being taken from, that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to simply be the one in need.

With you, I’m okay with being in need. I feel safe.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

Invisible

Sometimes it looks like laying in bed all day and feeling physically ill, and that if you get out of bed you’ll throw up.

Sometimes it feels like someone’s just punched you in the gut over and over and over again and you’re so out of breath—sometimes it feels like you’ll never catch your breath again.

And then, there are the anxiety attacks. Crying for literal hours, moaning loudly, putting your mom on mute so she can’t hear you gasping for air. It looks like scratching at your arms trying to get out of your skin, it looks laying on the floor of your empty living room counting to ten out loud to try to calm yourself, only to have a wave of sorrow crack in you so deep that the wailing starts over again.

It looks like praying to God “please, please don’t let me wake up tomorrow”

The days following aren’t much better. It feels like your hips were torn off and sewn on the opposite way, and no matter what you do it feels like you’re walking funny. It looks like staring in the mirror trying to recognize who you are. It looks like forcing yourself to eat breakfast, but the thought of finding food, or even going to pick something up causes you so much fear and stress, like the cashier can literally look at you and see everything you went through not 24 hours ago. It feels like wearing an open wound on your face.

It feels like guilt for everyone you’ve hurt, and now everyone you’ve worried in the process. It feels like giving up on everything you’re working toward, because, if this is still happening in the midst of all the “growth” you’ve had, is that growth even worth it?

Mostly it feels like being unworthy. Used. Chewed up, spit out. Mostly it feels like being forgotten, and wishing you could forget yourself, too.

It feels like death, without the release. An un-mendable, always aching wound. On the bad days it feels like you’ve disappeared.

I wish I could disappear.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

16 and Freedom

It’s raining outside now—a hot, steamy summer pour.

I’m imagining Maine today in all it’s wonder and try to manifest that feeling I felt sitting under the light house by the Atlantic.

Words dripping from my mind like the drops on my window, and I’m aching for the innocence of 16.

I think I’ll be okay.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

Forgotten Lover

You’re breathing in my ear,

Soundly sleeping in the dark.

Your hand is still holding mine,

And I imagine you drifted off inhaling my freshly washed, tea tree and mint infused hair.

You’re breathing in my ear,

Safely tucked in beside me.

You have to be up early in the morning,

But I hope you take your time leaving.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

Grow

The pain is always the same with you- a hollow ache that echoes in the depths of my soul.

Will I have to live without you forever?

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

What Now?

Hollowed out, yet taken care of by you.

All I know is when I wake up with you, I wake up happy.

It is not more complicated than that.

This,

This is enough for me.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

4 minutes

I can’t shake you,

Maybe I don’t want to.

A year around the sun,

You’re still in my universe.

I stare across the room and wonder why our paths crossed in the first place—

I remind myself that everything is right on time as you pry open your heart to me.

I can’t shake you,

Maybe there’s a reason why.

A kiss,

Someone to hold,

A need met,

An ear to listen.

Life is not found in the taking, but in what’s given,

So I’ll continue to give what I have, now that romance has morphed into something different.

I can’t shake you,

There must be a reason why.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

AM

Blurry vision,

6 uncertain months.

Suddenly, everything comes into brilliant focus.

You are patience, and you are kindness.

My fears vanish with the rising sun.

Yesterday was perfect, and there are more perfect days ahead.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

Path

A circle unending, but not on her left hand.

A feeling so rare, not to be found again.

A heart so restless, forever searching, never finding.

A woman lost and fading, with a soul unbinded.

A world so open, wild, untamed,

Feet headed toward adventures unnamed.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

You

A part of me really wishes you knew me now,

Now that so much time has passed.

I’m no longer a naive girl,

Thinking everything will be perfect.

Now, I could handle the distance.

Now, I wouldn’t mind your beliefs about the world; in fact, ours would probably align.

Now, I watch certain shows, listen to certain podcasts, enjoy certain music, all because you introduced me— even though when you did I didn’t like them.

Now I understand love because I felt it with you and never again, and that lesson stuck with me.

I wish we could talk now, even just as friends. I know we would laugh. I miss your laugh.

I hope you see this, even though I know it may not make a difference. My door is always open.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

Collaborating

Feeling it all always, but it feels like nothing too.

And I guess I didn’t have words for that, not until I met you.

You say it’s ok,

You mirror my pain.

Can I stay a for a while?

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

City on Fire

Sometimes repentance looks like crying alone while watching your little sister’s wedding video,

Sorry for all the little moments you took for granted, and how that translates to the here and now.

Sometimes cleansing looks like holding a book full of fictional friends to your chest, eyes closed, welling up with salty tears, not able to bear goodbye on the last page.

Sometimes change is slow and calculated, and learning can be circular.

Sometimes healing hurts worse than the wound that needs mending.

Most times, things don’t play out how you thought they would, the lines don’t fall into perfect places, and I hope you know that these feelings are not the end—perhaps they are only the start.

Sometimes you can see your face and heart changing before your eyes. Don’t look away.

| H.H

[freezeandmarvel]

Mutual Friend

You feel like tradition and rebellion,

Risk and comfort,

Lies and truth.

You make me feel calm and anxious

Strong and weak,

In control and absolutely at your will.

You make me feel.

| H.H