Control your thoughts, not your feelings
Trying to control your feelings is a recipe for chronic stress and frustration because, fundamentally, you canât.
You donât have direct control over any of your emotions:
You canât just crank up the happiness dial any time you feel sad.
You canât adjust the anxiety knob a little lower at then magically feel more confident.
You canât pull the anger emergency brake and instantly feel tranquil and calm.
But itâs worse⊠Not only is it not possible to directly control how you feel, but trying to control your feelings usually leads to feeling worse:
Trying to make yourself feel happy (and failing) leads to more disappointment and unhappiness.
Trying to make yourself feel less anxious often leads to dealing anxious about feeling anxious.
Trying to will your way out of feeling angry (and failing) usually just leads to more frustration and self-directed anger.
Trying to control the uncontrollable â including your emotions â will always lead to a more stressful mind, not a calmer one.
If you want to change how you feel emotionally, you can only do it indirectly by changing how you think:
When youâre feeling sad, you can validate your sadness by reminding yourself that everybody feels sad sometimes. And that just because it feels bad to be sad doesnât mean it is bad to be sad.
When youâre feeling anxious, you can shift your attention out of worrying more about the future and redirect your thoughts to something productive.
When youâre feeling angry, you can tell yourself that itâs okay to feel angry so long as you control how you respond to that anger.
If you want a calmer mind, you need a better relationship with your emotions.
And a major part of cultivating a healthy relationship with your emotions is not trying to control them directly. The best you can do is manage your thoughts and behaviors and allow your feelings to be what they are however uncomfortable.
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