Pairings: KönigxGhostxSoap
Summary: König isn’t doing great as Soap and Ghost are on a mission and there has been no sign of life of them yet. His anxiety gets the best of him as he tries to distract himself from all of the horrible things that could’ve happened to them.
Tw: panic attacks, anxiety, angst
Notes: it’s a lot of angst so beware! German phrases are translated at the end. Title „Alleine“ means alone. Cross posted from Ao3
König had been doing great, well maybe that was an exaggeration. It was a sunny day and he had already had breakfast as he decided to start it off with a morning run followed by attending a briefing for next weeks mission.
His muscles ached after getting up from the chairs in the briefing room, he was glad to finally be able to stretch to his full height again instead of awkwardly crouching on those small ass chairs.
Getting up made him realise how fatigued he had gotten during the meeting. Sure he wasn’t getting enough sleep, his thoughts being way too loud and dreams too vivid recently, but that was a rarity anyways. For the last weeks his body had been working on autopilot and more often than not he had fallen asleep at his desk after „burning the midnight oil“ as Ghost would’ve worded it. Luckily the dark circles under his eyes were hidden by the black paint, his mask acting like a safety blanket for him.
He didn’t know, no fuck that he knew exactly what was going on with him. No need to sugar coat it, he was incredibly lonely. They had been gone for weeks now, no messages, no info about their whereabouts, nothing and he was worried sick. König clenched his teeth as his thoughts were running wild illustrating all of the horrible things that could’ve happened to them. What if one of them had been injured? Soap was always prone to getting hurt…
„Hoffentlich i-ist alles gut.“ König mumbled as he slung his arms around himself as if simulating a hug would lessen his worries. What if they weren’t coming back to him at all…
His hands started trembling and he drew in a shaky breath, his eyes were getting wet with tears. No. Stop that, he had to pull himself together. Distraction, that’s what he needed now.
König was sitting in the common room eyes fixated on some random show which was playing on the TV in front of him. He wasn’t paying much attention to it, his mind finally being blank at the comforting background noises of the TV mixed with the soft sounds of conversations. The couch was definitely too small for someone his size and he shifted uncomfortably trying to get into a position that would lessen his back pain.
König had started to crochet some time ago and by now it seemed like the only thing keeping him sane. Ghost had gotten him his first crochet hook and yarn some time ago to help König with his inability to sit still on long plane rides. Ghosts idea had proven to be more than good, König loved the way his hands were busy and his brain just repeated the same pattern over and over again, it calmed him. Additionally, he would be able to make gifts soon if he kept improving! The thought of making Soap and Ghost matching scarfs brought a smile to his face.
König had formed a habit of carrying his current project, stored in one of his many pockets, with him around the base. Just in case he needed to busy himself. In fact that was exactly what he was doing right now adding stitch after stitch while finally feeling less on edge.
The sound of laughter and clattering of pans pulled him out of his thoughts as his head snapped towards the direction it was coming from. His muscles tensed as his body went into an alarmed state at the sudden noise. It was just someone starting to prepare lunch and he mumbled a few curses under his breath. Was it that hard to keep it together? Why was he so on edge again? It was just some loud noises. A weird feeling was starting to spread through his body.
König shook his head trying to get rid of past memories threatening to bubble up. Deciding it was better to leave and return to the quiet of his room, he got up. The Austrian pocketed his yarn and proceeded to wipe off his sweaty palms on his pants. He tried to appear as small as possible opting to get through without drawing attention to himself. Which was overoptimistic because there was no way no one would notice him trying to sneak back to his room. I mean look at that behemoth of a man.
In the end he got some weird looks, which definitely didn’t ease his anxiety, quite the opposite actually, but luckily he made it into the hallway without getting involved in a conversation.
He tried walking as fast as possible trying to look as if he was just late for a meeting. The sounds of his boots echoed through the long corridor. At least not trying to stumble over his own feet distracted him from having a full blown panic attack right then and there.
His head was spinning but he tried to focus. He knew that he had almost made it, only two more turns. Right and then left.
Almost he was almost at his door. Almost made it only one more corner. His vision was blurred eyes not obeying his order to focus. His breathing was shallow and his mouth felt incredibly dry as he stumbled around the corner and hit a wall?
He must’ve but… wait those weren’t usually soft? And talking to him in a Scottish accent?
He was unable to connect the dots panic still coursing through his body and clouding his mind. Somehow he had lost his ability to tell what was happening to him.
Suddenly he felt a warm hand on his chest urging him to sit down. His back got pushed against a cold wall. Was he in his room, sitting on the floor? He couldn’t tell. König tried to focus his gaze on the person in front of him rubbing away his tears (and a lot of his dark eye paint).
Tremors shake his body and he desperately tries to stop them, fight them, regain control over his own body. Weak sobs escape him as he realises how helpless and pathetic he must look. Someone is talking to him and there’s that Scottish accent again but he’s unable to understand.
„B-bitte… k-kann nicht.“ He didn’t notice he had switched to his mother tongue as he rasped out more German words. Asking, no begging for everything to stop. To stop his head from feeling so heavy, his body not obeying his orders and the constant worries.
Waves of heat crashed over him.
He weeps as he thinks about them again. Oh how he misses Soaps big smiles and Ghosts deep chuckles. Their soft touches on him as if he would break into pieces at every moment even though he was the one towering over them. The warm feeling he got when they all cuddled together, Ghost holding him close as König hid his head in Johns chest. He loved doing that, Soaps scent of mint and the fresh undertone of his laundry detergent mixing, enveloping him completely. The Austrian could almost smell it right now.
Could almost see Soap kneeling in front of him, eyes full of worry struggling to keep calm, eyebrows furrowed thinking of a way to help the Austrian.
Suddenly Soap remembered, König had usually started to count while breathing to ground himself. He had noticed him doing it during briefings or the rare occasion of them going into a bar. As talking to König in English hadn’t helped the Scot racked his brain in an attempt to remember how the hell the german numbers were pronounced.
Luckily König made them listen to quite a lot of german music and Soap could basically sing along to most of the songs by now. He decided to just wing it. What could go wrong anyway?
He slowly began to count as he carefully took Königs hands placing the Austrians palm on his chest.
„E-eins…Zwei…Drei…Vier…Fünf“
And exhaled repeating the same numbers.
He counted from 1 to 5 again before the next inhale.
König could feel a heartbeat and steady breathing against his palm, someone gently pressing his hand against their chest. Somehow it helped him focus on the persons voice, calming him to the point where he was able to register that… they were counting?
Suddenly he noticed that they were trying to use his grounding technique on him. As he had finally regained somewhat of control over his own body, he tried to follow their directions. The scent of mint flooded his senses as he took a shaky breath.
After repeating the words like a mantra for what felt like hours but in reality were probably 20 minutes, König snapped back to reality. He was in fact sitting on the floor of his little room, sweaty back pressed against the icy wall.
He still had to focus to keep his breathing even but at least he was aware of his surroundings again. Every breath hurt and every muscle felt like jelly, as he tried and failed to control the tremors and shivers coursing through in his body.
His lungs ached and he felt incredibly exhausted but he tried to lift his head to look at the person kneeling in front of him, still holding his hand in theirs. His puffy eyes grew wide and he could’ve easily started crying again if he hadn’t been this tired, instead all he managed to let out was a whimper.
„Hey luv“ Soap whispered granting him one of his grins, squeezing his hand lightly. König didn’t think about it, he just leapt at the smaller man, wrapping his arms around the others abdomen and hiding his head in the crook of his neck as they tumbled to the ground.
After he had regained his breath and the initial shock had faded Johnny let out a small chuckle his hands trailing along the others back. „I’ve missed ya too.“ the Scot mumbled into his hair, König must’ve lost his hood at some point. They didn’t care about the bruises they would probably feel by tomorrow after the enthusiastic move from König. All that mattered was them being together again.
A sob left the Austrian as he nuzzled the others neck drinking in his presence, his scent. Relishing in the comfort provided by his strong arms.
„Shh don’t crye now. I’ve got ya.“ Soap murmured as he raked one of his hands through his lovers hair in a soothing manner, the other resting on his shoulder patting it lightly from time to time.
The Austrian felt incredibly small and vulnerable in his arms as if talking too loud or moving too fast would hurt him. He couldn’t help the twinge of pain in his chest when he thought about how he had found the other. He knew him, they had all shared their stories. Admittedly it had taken them months and a lot of tears were shed in the process, but in the end it had brought them closer together. Knowing each others past had also helped them to comfort each other better through tough days. He knew König suffered from panic attacks, he had witnessed them before but none of them had been this…severe
König, still feeling lightheaded, started whispering German phrases. His lips moved against Soaps skin, his warm breath tickled him, the words were barely audible, not that the Scot would’ve been able to understand them anyway.
„Hab dich so v-vermisst…So so sehr.“
„Gott sei Dank geht es dir gut.“
„Ich dachte ich hätte euch zwei verloren.“
After the last one König halted another whimper leaving him. He had been so caught up in his own feelings he hadn’t noticed. He lifted his head, glazed eyes wide, as his lower lip trembled. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer but he asked anyway.
„J-Johnny….W-where is Simon?“
His voice pleaded as if he was praying for something that had already happened to be undone. His chest tight as he didn’t dare breathe waiting for Soaps answer.
„He’s just taking a shower König he should be here any minute, aight?“ the Scot placed his hand agains his lovers cheek smoothing his thumb against it. The Austrian sucked in a breath, relief washing over him as he leaned into the touch closing his eyes, a few tears escaping them.
Soap pulled him even closer pressing a light kiss to his temple.
„We’re okay, König…We’re all okay.“
Hoffentlich ist alles gut - I Hope everything is alright
„Bitte… kann nicht“ - please… I can’t
„Hab dich so vermisst…so so sehr.“ - I missed you… so so much
„Gott sei Dank geht es dir gut.“ - Thank god you’re okay
„Ich dachte ich hätte euch zwei verloren.“ - I thought I had lost you two
„Gott sei Dank geht es dir gut.“ - Thank god you’re okay
„Ich dachte ich hätte euch zwei verloren.“ - I thought I had lost you two
