vivi

a midsummer’s night’s dream

[frostismaointe]

no longer knowing what’s there and what’s not

losing myself in the world I’ve made for myself

getting warped into my web of lies

not remembering what’s real

not recognizing myself

[frostismaointe]

laying In the grass, letting the breeze kiss my hair, carefully observing a small bug crawl on my skin, analyzing an fixating on its tiny movements…

its become very therapeutic for me

unfortunately it leaves me too much time and space to think

think about the boy who gave me no choice and left me crying and disgusted for weeks

think about the boy who, without a care in the world, came up to me and left me restless, attached and doubtful and how he doesn’t even remember my name

think about the people who failed me when I needed them, and how they prevented me from being who I am

think about the one who I’m meant to love and appreciate, but who I can’t help but resent and despise for what she has done and how she views the world

guilty about that resentment because she is in pain as well. can’t help but feel like she cannot change and is just wired that way, but exhausted by her hatred and criticism

think about the girl who made me hate myself, almost to death, and who introduced me to a world of habits that ruin my life to this day

think about the beautiful people that are entering my life, and anxious that I scare them away

but mostly think about the person I love most in the world, and how she left me

thinking about how she was the only person I wanted to see after a bad day

about how I used to pray that she would pick me up from school

reminiscing about our endless gossip sessions, our karaoke moments, our day trips, our movie watching sessions

thinking about how she was the only person I could talk to about my feelings

the only person who knew certain things about me

hating how our relationship changed

but I knew it was going to come back to normal

I remember the last night you were here, I was talking to you like I used to

I don’t talk a lot, but I would never shut up around you

I need you

I keep wanting to rant to you about my days, my outings, my new friends, boy trouble, drama

because no one else cares as much as you

you were my person

I was your person

no one deserves to mourn you like me

I lost the person who knew me best and who loved me most

my brain doesn’t understand that you’re not here

it just misses you

and is waiting for you to come back

[frostismaointe]

finding it difficult to be met with the face I’ve carried all my life in the mirror everyday. feeling the indescribable, perpetual urge to completely change my identity and transform into someone else. finding comfort in being able to wear heavy makeup, do my hair, dress up, wear jewelry, sparkly eyeshadow, rhinestones, colours!, skirts…..not only to doll myself up and look prettier, but in order to look unrecognizable, and to attempt to satisfy my heart. I’m hoping to continue down this path, acquire a fulfilling wardrobe, master a makeup routine that I love, wear shoes that make my feet bleed 🌀, colour my hair, bedazzle my face, obtain a look and aesthetic that make me feel like myself

im also going through an existential crisis and sob and panic when I recognize myself

my soul is disgusted by the fact that I share the same face as the girl I was before

for years, I have been pushed into a mold that is not shaped for me, pressured to fit in to a certain look and personality that I don’t want to have. part of it is social media and teenage hood, but mainly the people I have met and the environment I was forced into. It never alarmed to until I met people who shared my values, and brought light into my world that I didn’t know could exist. it made me realize that the people I was circling myself with are not meant for me

I’ve been desperate to reconnect with a version of myself that was unafraid and confident, unbothered by certain comments and comfortable with myself. I cannot recognize her when I look in the mirror

i hope to find her again soon