finding it difficult to be met with the face I’ve carried all my life in the mirror everyday. feeling the indescribable, perpetual urge to completely change my identity and transform into someone else. finding comfort in being able to wear heavy makeup, do my hair, dress up, wear jewelry, sparkly eyeshadow, rhinestones, colours!, skirts…..not only to doll myself up and look prettier, but in order to look unrecognizable, and to attempt to satisfy my heart. I’m hoping to continue down this path, acquire a fulfilling wardrobe, master a makeup routine that I love, wear shoes that make my feet bleed 🌀, colour my hair, bedazzle my face, obtain a look and aesthetic that make me feel like myself
im also going through an existential crisis and sob and panic when I recognize myself
my soul is disgusted by the fact that I share the same face as the girl I was before
for years, I have been pushed into a mold that is not shaped for me, pressured to fit in to a certain look and personality that I don’t want to have. part of it is social media and teenage hood, but mainly the people I have met and the environment I was forced into. It never alarmed to until I met people who shared my values, and brought light into my world that I didn’t know could exist. it made me realize that the people I was circling myself with are not meant for me
I’ve been desperate to reconnect with a version of myself that was unafraid and confident, unbothered by certain comments and comfortable with myself. I cannot recognize her when I look in the mirror
i hope to find her again soon
