it’s not that i want to do it
but i know exactly how i would
make sure my cat has plenty of food and water set out before hand so she’ll be okay until they find me
at least two weeks worth, maybe more
i’d down two bottles, vodka and prescription
and i’d fall asleep in my bed for the final time
wrapped up so tight and warm and dreaming of fading away
how long would i go undiscovered?
days? weeks? months?
how long until friends and family get concerned?
no one cares at this point when i stop answering texts
would they file a missing persons after a few missed calls?
no one ever calls anymore, so i doubt it
would they try to come check on me?
no one knows where i live, good luck finding me
would it be apartment maintenance men coming in to change the air filter, they do it twice a year and i’m due, who first stumble upon what i’ve done?
would they knock to no response and let themselves in to my little studio of horror?
would the smell alert my neighbors?
i could plug in air fresheners to prolonge the discovery
none of those questions will matter
not to me, anyway. not at that point.
i’ll leave a note, letting only the people who matter most in my heart know what i’d decided
my last wishes sadly scribbled on a yellow legal pad
and scrambled vague messages sprawled across the few socials that matter
i’ll leave my note by the door, the first thing to be seen as the stench hits the noses of whatever poor soul discovers me first
i’ll clean up before
make it at least appear that i knew how to take care of things
i’ll sweep and mop and wipe down every surface
clean sheets
brand new litter in her box
windows cleaned
and fridge empty
no need buying anything new, right?
i’ll leave it cleaner than it’s been since i moved in
but none of this matters
it’s not that i want to do it
but i know exactly how i would
