How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?
My sex is female and a part of it always will be. However, I'm on hormones & in the future I plan to undergo surgery, so my sex and sex characteristics will become a mesh of male and female.
With regard to my gender, I feel like any other guy in my head and I've grown up feeling this way.
I see being Trans as essentially: I have a medical condition called gender dysphoria. My mind and my brain are male, my body is female. Gender dysphoria is what happens when my body and my mind do not align. It's a medical condition and there's nothing I can do about it except try to live the best life I can. So, in pursuit of this goal, I live as a guy and I will transition to change my sex as far as possible.
What pronouns honour you?
Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.
Messy? Bold colours. Always evolving.
Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?
I let my body hair grow but I'm pretty blank anyway. I don't have facial hair yet but I'm working on it- I just started using Minoxidil a few days ago.
My hair hair is my favourite thing about myself! Messy on the top, short back and sides.
Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?
Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?
We could count every time someone called me she, *birth name* or whatever, even before I came out. That would amount to almost 20 years of constant, benevolent misgendering.
I had long hair as a kid but I looked boyish. Sometimes parents or kids would think I was a boy if I had my hair in a cap. That always made me feel super awkward because it only ever happened in front of my parents. They didn't care that I was a tomboy but they didn't want to send me the message that I couldn't be my masculine self as a girl; they didn't want me to feel judged or hurt. They would've been right for 99% of kids.
Since coming out though, my experiences have been mostly positive. My grandparents (who are 60-70) don't get it right yet and we don't talk too much about it. They're from a burry-your-head-in-the-sand kind of generation so it'll take time.
When I moved to Austria in February 2018 I had only just come out four months previously. I wanted to just turn up and be a guy- that was super unrealistic. When I arrived and my colleagues identified me as she, it broke my heart a little.
Unless someone knows that you're Trans, they're not being malicious. Even if they do know, it can be hard for people. It's not your fault as the Trans person and it isn't other people's fault either- being Trans puts each group in a difficult and often awkward position.
With some time and patience most people will come around and really try with pronouns. Thankfully all of my colleagues in Austria were awesome; I got to live as Jude and feel a lot more like myself than I ever had.
Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?
Medical Definition of gender dysphoria
: a distressed state arising from conflict between a person's gender identity and the sex the person has or was identified as having at birth
A significant incongruence between gender identity and physical phenotype is known as gender identity disorder; the experience of this state, termed gender dysphoria, is a source of chronic suffering.
—Louis J. Gooren, The New England Journal of Medicine, 31 Mar. 2011
The dysphoria I experience is quite severe. I don't go five minutes without feeling dysphoric. I hope that by transitioning socially and medically my dysphoria will reduce.
I am in a constant state of feeling uneasy, uncomfortable and hateful towards my physical form; this is called physical dysphoria. Trans people experience both social and physical dysphoria. Physical dysphoria refers to how a person feels about their body. For FTM (Female-to-Male) Trans people this could include (but is not limited to):
Their chest (it not looking flat enough)- this is referred to as 'top dysphoria'
Their genitals- referred to as 'bottom dysphoria'
Their voice- being too high pitched
Their height- as many trans men are shorter than their cis counterparts
The size of their hands, feet or other parts of their body
Their lack of facial or body hair
Their lack of an Adams apple
Their hips or curves- as cis men are usually more straight in structure
Their hairline- as cis men's hairline is usually more receded
The amount of muscle on their body- it is easier for cis men to build muscle and look vascular
Getting their monthly cycle- these aren't fun for anyone but when you're a guy it adds a new major level of shit
Physical intimacy with others
Giving hugs- they can feel your chest even if you're wearing a binder
Going swimming or other occasions in which less clothes are worn
Some of these problems might seem small to the unknown eye, but believe me they are a big deal for some people- especially when no hormones, no surgery will take them away.
Social dysphoria refers to how a person feels about the way others perceive, treat, and address or refer to them. This can include:
Being misgendered or referred to with language reserved for your birth sex
Being called your birth name
Being grouped with members of your birth sex .e.g. all-girls school, girl scouts, girl’s night out.
People knowing that you're trans
For me, social dysphoria fluctuates massively depending on who I'm with. My parents are great at calling me 'Jude' and 'he' now so I don't feel social dysphoria around them. My grandad sometimes makes remarks such as 'you still have lady bits' so in this instance I feel social dysphoria because I know that he sees me as a girl and is referring to me using feminine language. He's shity with words sometimes but I love him.
The thing with dysphoria is that it goes in cycles and becomes worse. Social dysphoria leads to physical dysphoria and vice versa.
Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?
I have always wanted to be a parent. Always. From a very young age I knew I'd have kids. I know that I'm going to be a great dad.
I expect that I and my partner will split our responsibilities and roles rather equally. I could see myself being a stay at home dad with a side business or project. Then again I could also see myself wanting to pursue my career with force and wanting to spend time with my kids at weekends. When I have a partner and the time comes, we'll do what's right for us.
I considered having my eggs frozen for some time. If you're Trans and you're reading this, it is possible and the NHS are pushing more clinics to fund the procedures for Trans individuals. I decided not to go through with the process because I realised I'd prefer to adopt or if my female partner wants to become pregnant she can.
I loveeeeee kids though. They're a guaranteed part of my future.
Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?
It's important to me to have money and be able to provide in general, whether it's for my partner, kids or family. It's not important that I earn more money at all- I'd like us both to be earning as much as we can in a job role that we're happy with.
I like paying on dates and buying random gifts; I also like my partner to do the same.
Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?
Trans people, don’t blame cisgender people for not understanding, not adapting straight away, for being cis. We need to have patience. Everyone has struggles. Most people are just doing their best.
Cis people, trans people don’t choose this, it’s a medical condition. We can’t change the mind, so we alter our bodies. If we don’t pursue this or aren’t supported, people kill themselves. That’s backed up by statistics (https://www.stonewall.org.uk/sites/default/files/trans_stats.pdf).
The Gender Tag: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf9h0y6QoCw
Gender dysphoria definition: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gender%20dysphoria
Trans suicide statistics: https://www.stonewall.org.uk/sites/default/files/trans_stats.pdf
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