888 words, (cw: ANGST, major character death, grieving, loss, suicide)
Yanfei was glad she knew how to handle Hu Tao's suicide well.
Yanfei was glad.
Yanfei was glad. Glad didn’t mean at peace or relieved— not to Yanfei.
Yanfei was glad. Hu Tao left nothing behind. Nothing but days to count since she’d gone. No letters, no memoirs, no texts, no notes.
Yanfei was glad. The director left nothing behind for her, for anyone, at that matter, when she left. Nothing for everyone to gawk and blabber over; For anyone to half-assedly claim they wish they’d noticed the signs, that they could’ve called her and asked her how she was faring, if she would want to see them. Nothing. And nothing at all for them to reduce her death into just a few words or a simple item.
Yanfei was glad. There was nothing Hu Tao left for her tears to stain, for something to keep under her pillow every night to read like a prayer, for Yanfei to keep in their— rather, her, nightstand for her to stare at for hours on end, like it was the only trace of Hu Tao’s existence left, like it was Hu Tao’s shadow herself. There was nothing left to share between them, nothing to Hu Tao’s name that wasn’t left for Yanfei after she died.
Yanfei was glad. A twisted kind of glad— the kind of glad that untwists her guts with a breath of relief, but crawls up to her mind and bugs her brain endlessly. 'Was she wicked for thinking this way?' -- She couldn't help but let the back of her mind haunt her with that question. How cruel it might've been for her to be glad that way.
Yanfei was glad. It was her after all, she got to be the one to see Hu Tao's descent. She was there to encourage Hu Tao to get up every morning, whenever she tried to skip work to stay in bed a bit longer. She was there to hear the silent sobs whenever she'd come home late, feeling stressed and severely lost. Yanfei understood that more than anyone. All the weight of responsibility Hu Tao had been carrying on her shoulders ever since, as well as all the ostracism she faced along with it, all while only being a child of 13, still mourning the loss of her grandfather, which she barely knew how to process. And it wasn't as though the constant alienation ever stopped either. It was no secret to the people of Liyue that Hu Tao was indeed eccentric, but she had Yanfei through it all, although not publicly, they had each other... Until the very end that Hu Tao allowed her to be in.
Yanfei was glad. She was glad that at least her dearest's last moments included her. That Yanfei was tucked into bed with a kiss goodbye to her forehead before Hu Tao drifted into the night, promising to be back after work like she always did. It was just another night to Yanfei, though. She could still remember the morning after, too; clutching her phone tighter, feeling the tightness in both the promise ring Hu Tao gave her and within herself. It kept moving throughout her body. It started with the fists' squeeze, making her forearms ache, until it moved to her shoulders, then to her heart before it sank to her stomach... And when she finally saw it, she finally received the news, her knees finally lost all their hold. 'Please, please, please, please.. please don't be true. Please tell me she's okay-- that this is an elaborate mistake, that my Hu Tao is safe... is well.. is alive...', she begged in her head as she sobbed, without any remaining strength in her to speak her pleas.
Yanfei was glad. To be the one to stare at the ceiling only 2 hours later... or was it 10? She couldn't tell; Time seemed to stop its pace for her. Yanfei could only feel that all her senses went along with Hu Tao. Nevertheless, she was there to think about her. She got to be the one thankful to remember Hu Tao before the tragedy, before Hu Tao decided she didn't have it in her to return to the realm of the living anymore after she crossed that bridge to deliver passing souls. She got to be the one wondering if her matching promise ring perished along with her? Or had she left it somewhere on the nightstand? Scratch that, Yanfei would kill Hu Tao again if she'd even dared to take it off... even then. And what about her hexagram hat? The one that belonged to her Grandfather, that she wore with her parlor uniform, that she had performed multiple altercations on before it became even slightly comfortable on her head, that she even flipped it over for Yanfei to see all the stitches in every roundabout, that Yanfei even adorned with the red plum blossom branch. Either way, she was glad to be the person, the last person, Hu Tao assured of her love. Eternally, too, she hoped.
Yanfei was glad. Glad to wait for Hu Tao, glad it had to be her that she could love without regrets and keep loving even with her absence.
Yanfei was glad. That all Hu Tao left behind was her.
…
Yanfei was glad. Yanfei was glad, and that’s what she’ll keep telling herself.
Yanfei was glad.
a/n:
First angst piece 😮💨😮💨😮💨 AND first published work. Do nottt let me pick up angst ever again LMFAOAO sorry who's laughing nvm,,
PS if i had to be honest i forgot how hu tao even delivers souls butttt ok let's just pretend i got it right on the money ehehe im so assssss
posted on ao3!
germansingergirl
izzy806
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