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Gotta love switching multiple times during sex but it's chill because they actually want to get fucked more than I do lmao

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Fuck I keep looking at pictures of myself from like a year and a half ago god I was so thin why the fuck did I ruin it

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It's September again I forgot how hard this time of year is

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Its still September but I’m already scared for November I don’t want to lose everyone again not like last year or the year before

I hate it winter has always been my favorite time of year but now it makes me so scared of losing people again

I lost my dad two years ago I mean that was my choice but it still hurt

Last year I lost everyone my friends my family the only people who I didn’t lose are my mom my step dad and Finn everyone else either left or I was forced to leave

I’m so scared I barely have anyone and if I lose them I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it

I only talk to two people on a regular basis and I have like three friends but I haven’t been able to talk to them much because I don’t feel like they want me there anymore or they are new friends and im scared of fucking it up but I mean if I don’t talk to him I’ll definitely fuck it up

I’m just scared

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I'm fucking everything up again and it's so much worse because I care about c so fucking much I keep hurting him and I hate myself for it

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Wow I'm a fucking alcoholic I want to just be drunk all the time I could just do that and not tell anyone that I actually care about it would be fine

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I hate myself so fucking much and I can't even tell anyone because I'm supposed to be better already I'm on meds and I have a job and friends but I still fucking hate everything about myself I'm gullible and I drink too much and I've been smoking fuck I'm just such a shit person both of my boyfriends deserve better (I'm poly) I just wish I could die so that everyone could have a better life without me

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I'm going to drop kick myself into the sun

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I'm about to throw my fucking piece of shit phone across the room

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Everyone really needs to fucking leave me alone

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I had a massive breakdown and now everything feels hopeless and empty

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I took five (2.5) anxiety med to calm me down enough to sleep but it's honestly just evened me out and I feel ready to face the day lmao

Which isn't a good idea because I'll probably fully crash within the hour

But also I feel fine so I can just be an awake person now and regret it later lmfao

I know that no sleep before a shift that I actually have to talk to customers is like an actual horrible idea but rn I don't care

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I like v it has a good brain going fast feeling but doesn't actually make me anxious or make my heart go noticably faster

And like this is kinda a negative and a positive but it fully lasts like twelve hours if I take nine (270) lmao

Which means lots of time to enjoy it but also definitely enough time for my body to get upset with me about not sleeping

I can't do as much as I want while the rest of the world is awake without everyone knowing I'm on something

I have to wait until it's late enough to "go to bed" to take it because I can't have my parents knowing I'm doing it

Nine (270) will always get me where I want to be but honestly three or more (90+) is always a good time

Just keep some anxiety meds on hand just in case

V tends to turns off my normal emotions and then replaces them with a kind of calm positive feeling

V also turns of my empathy which is a welcome break from how loud and unavoidable other peoples emotions are for me

It's weird that I can be so calm but still have my brain going so fast

V is literally everything I wish coffee was

It can absolutely be the cure for needing to work through some trauma because for me it completely stops my negative emotions about the subject and lets me just fucking talk and logic through it all

V is always better when you have someone to just listen to you ramble about everything flying through your head

It can get really deep really fast so make sure anyone you're talking to is okay with talking about some hard shit

They also need to be okay with talking about triggering topics in detail if you're trying to work through anything traumatic

Or for me if I'm just in general talking about the past

I honestly get some like good progress on working through my trauma while on v if I can talk to the right person (Cayden ❤️)

I guess I am using it for the same reason as most people to get shit done I guess my shit is just more personal than most

It's definitely noticable to people I talk to on a daily basis if I even just take one

Taking my usual nine (270) during the day would be a bad idea if you need to act like you aren't on drugs lmfao

The only way I can make myself shut up on that much is to either hold my lips together or literally bite my tongue and both of those are extremely temporary solutions

I definitely would have used v to lose weight to an unhealthy point if it didn't make me so nauseous and gassy (also grumpy as hell the next day)

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I feel like I ///need/// to keep talking it's a necessity and now that he went to sleep I don't have anyone I can talk to I guess it's time to like actively try to sober up enough that I can pass out

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Tbh I just had a fucking amazing night talking to the absolute love of my life it's totally worth fucking up my sleep schedule and like my entire mental state lmao (like it actually is that's not a sad statement)

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Wow some people can like handle being an entire person and like not do drugs wack

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Cravings are going to kill me I'm just going to get drunk and smoke and pass out maybe if I'm lucky I'll actually die