shit my roommate says

there were once four girls who lived in a college dorm, they all came from different parts of the world and had different backgrounds. they also had a good group of friends. this is stupid shit they say when they should be doing their homework.

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

before I was like 'ew emotions' and now I'm like 'plz marathon lord of the rings wit me??

Slice

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

I shave whether or not I'm in a relationship with someone because I like to rub my legs together and pretend that I'm a baby seal.

Slice

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

I'll be right back, I'm going to go look at the salad bar and then get cereal"

Big

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

I'm not trying to gender the child but I hope it's a goat. I really hope its a goat.

Slice

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

He's cute. And he plays baseball! That bodes reasonably well for the butt!

My roommate, on someone from Tinder

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

Wait up, I can't waddle that fast.

My roommate

[definitelyforsurenotbees]

I am an adult.

My roommate, climbing into bed to eat nutella out of the jar in her underwear (via lesbianathogwarts)

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

Me: If you were sleeping face-up and I sat on your bladder, would you pee yourself?

My roommate: If you were sleeping face-up and I sat on your face and farted, would you die?

My roommate: Or would you just vomit?

[definitelyforsurenotbees]

I think some of these characters just need to always be topless.

my roommate, on Teen Worlf

[definitelyforsurenotbees]

Watching my boyfriend conduct an orchestra is so great because I just get to stare at his butt the entire time.

AH

[definitelyforsurenotbees]

So this is called Make Your Cheekbones Look Better Than Benedict Cumberbatch’s

Slice

[definitelyforsurenotbees]

Never Google the word “suffering.” It will make you sad.

My roommate

[definitelyforsurenotbees]

SLEEP TIGHT, ASSHOLE!

Slice

[definitelyforsurenotbees]

I RUBBED YOUR GAS BUBBLES OUT!

Slice

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

Put your pants on, bitch.

My roommate

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

Roomie: *sneezes*

Roomie: Whew!...That made me have to pee.

[fuckyeahroommatequotes]

I was laughing and I spit on myself.

my roommate