Grieving, one day at a time

I rant a lot, I talk about my sister’s death and how it had affected me. Feel free to ask anything or share your story.

[fuckyougrief]

to all of you who are grieving,

I made this blog to let out all the emotions that build in inside me and to feel less alone, to put my grief “out there” so I feel like I’m not alone or that someone is listening, so most of the time my posts are dull and full with grief and anger or just utter sadness.

I want you all to know that a lot of the time that I’m not posting is because I’ve started learning how to cope with my grief and I’m starting to live my life once again as I did before. I wake up every morning and go to work without really thinking about the fact that my sister is dead as much as I did before. I see my friends every once in awhile and we laugh and we joke like we once did. I go to the gym. I do things with more ease than I would’ve done a year ago. I miss my sister everyday and I still have my shitty days but at the same time I’m starting to live my life like my own.

I hope this happens to you too, that one day you wake up and you’re no longer engulfed with sadness, I hope that one day you wake up and you’re you again, getting along with your life like you once did. you’ll have bad days and other times you’ll have days that you’ll forget that sadness even for a brief moment.

just keep holding on and let it be.

also, happy new year.

xx

[fuckyougrief]

I wish I was a robot that couldn’t feel anything.

[fuckyougrief]

fuck death.

[fuckyougrief]

No one understands how much I wanted a sister when I was growing up. I used to beg my mom to get me a sister so I wouldn’t have to be the only girl with two boys.

I was so happy when she finally got me a sister, yes the age gap was big (7 years) but at least I had a sister and I couldn’t wait for her to grow up so that she’ll become my friend, so that I could teach her to put on make up and do her hair, or we could talk about boys and her crushes, I couldn’t wait for that I honestly did but now I am one sister less than I used to be a year and five months ago and I still have no one to share these things with.

I have my little sister but she’s just 8 and I’m 22 but the age gap is too big for me to teach her to put on make up or talk about boys.

[fuckyougrief]

If my sister was alive, I would at least have someone to go out with.

[fuckyougrief]

I miss you, please come back.

[fuckyougrief]

my grief had affected me in so many ways that I didn’t think were possible.

before my sister’s death, grief to me would be sadness over losing someone I love and that’s it, but no, it changed me as a whole person.

my grief had made me more anxious and panicky in general, before my sister’s death I would never freak out as I do these days, the tiniest thing would make my heart race.

as I’ve mentioned in my previous posts how much I’ve been enjoying my new job but that I was starting to get anxious very easily lately, I think my anxiety and grief are correlated some way even if I was getting anxious over something that’s not related to my sister’s death.

I think I’ve been feeling numb lately when it comes to my sister and at the same time I’ve been very stressed out with my job which has made me feel very overwhelmed and tired and anxious, so I decided to take some time off work to recharge and let myself be and it’s been good, I’m not really used to taking time off and doing nothing but it’s been good. I think I have to start managing my stress more, I stopped meditating for awhile which is why I think I feel so overwhelmed by my grief and normal life stresses which drives me crazy.

[fuckyougrief]

I feel like lately I’ve been managing my grief pretty well (I think), I’ve been getting through my days just fine with some shit times in between but that’s okay.

there’s one thing though that I can’t get over, I feel like every morning the moment I start waking up my grief hits me all over again. I feel it happen almost everyday. my body starts waking up (no longer deep sleeping or I just open my eyes or turn off my alarm) my grief hits all over again; I get nauseous and scared and my heart starts beating so fast like it’s anticipating that something shit is going to happen (joke’s on my heart shit already happen) and that happens almost everyday and I will start my day with this feeling.

grief sucks.

[fuckyougrief]

hey there. a few months ago i sent you an ask when my baby brother passed away because i didnt know what else to do. you gave me some really good advice and i just wanted to come back and say i really appreciate it and i am really thankful you took time out of your day to give some kind words to a total stranger. thank you. i hope you are feeling okay today

heyy, thank you for this sweet message, I hope you always find it in you to make it through whatever you’re going through. I hope you feel better xx

[fuckyougrief]

I’ve been working for five months and I’ve been so great. I’ve been so immersed in my job and killing it, I’ve been learning so much and just being a part of a thing that’s way bigger than me and it’s helping me stay focused and motivated. Almost everyday for five months I’ve been waking up excited that I’m going up to work (even on my worst days, at least I have something that I could spend all my energy on), but lately these last couple of days things have been going down hill, I’m still killing it (I think) and I’ve been very proud of myself for that but something had been stirring deep down inside me, grief I suppose and I feel like I’m hearing back to square one. yes I still get excited about heading to work everyday yet deep down I feel my anxiety and panic rising, I feel scared and suffocated most of the time, I’ll crave the presence of whoever over spending time with myself even if I don’t feel fully comfortable, I’ll just find anyone and go on and on about whatever just to keep talking and not have to face my demons and it’s scary.

heck last night I don’t even know what happened, I wasn’t asleep and I wasn’t awake, I remember things that happened but I’m not sure if I was asleep or awake I still don’t, I barely slept but I wasn’t awake as well, it really felt like I was in a parallel, like I remember feeling like shit and walking around my room and setting up another alarm for some reason that I can’t even recall but I’m not sure if I was awake and did set an alarm or not, my entire night was a blur as if I blacked out, and then I woke up very scared and anxious.

overall I just feel like complete shit, my heart feels like it might beat out of my chest any minute now, I feel like I’m in a constant state of fear and that something shit might happen any minute now.

[fuckyougrief]

My best friend took his life on November 3rd. I’m finding it so hard to do this. Any advice on how to cope?

I am very sorry for your loss. With grief I’ve found that there’s no written manual on how to cope but here’s what I learned. It will hurt so fucking hard for so long but that’s okay it’s just part of the process. take it one day at a time, don’t think about yesterday or tomorrow just think of today and where you’re at. feel what you’re supposed to feel don’t suppress it don’t hold anything in let it be and you’ll be amazed by how liberating that feels, one day you’ll feel like complete shit other days the sun will be shining and you’ll feel like yourself again. if you need help try getting it, it’s not easy but you could at least try. cherish the good memories and try not to dwell on what could’ve been said or done, this will make you feel liberated in someway. remember that everyone grieves their own way and it’s all going to be okay at the end. xx

[fuckyougrief]

I lost my grandad to lung cancer 3 years ago, still hurts as much as it did on the first day without him.. I tried killing myself this year because of how much I miss him and wanted to be back with him but instead, it didn’t work. I turned 18 this year too and I got a tattoo of his signature to honour him and your posts I relate to so much so, thank you for making me feel less alone

I am very happy that you’re still alive and I am sorry for you loss. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you going through all that but please please please don’t try hurting yourself ever again, and this isn’t as easy as saying it but seek help when you feel like you can’t bear it anymore, it takes courage and a lot of it but please do. I wanted to feel less alone in my grief and this is what my blog gave me and hopefully it gives you and others the same feeling as well, we all grieve the death of someone different but that doesn’t mean we’re all alone, someone out there feels what we’re feeling and together we’ll get through it. xx

[fuckyougrief]

I have a love hate relationship with sleeping.

I love sleeping because it’s the only time I could escape this world.

I hate the process of falling asleep though, it’s the time when my demons decide to haunt me, they’d keep tourmenting me over and over until I finally give in to them and fall asleep exhausted and haunted by them.

[fuckyougrief]

Idk if I’m the only one who does this but sometimes I feel that lying on the bathroom floor makes me feel calm.

[fuckyougrief]

sometimes I feel the most accurate way to explain the bouts of anxiety and panic that I get, by saying that I’m drowning on dry land.

to me that’s how I feel a lot of the time when I’m anxious or panicking.

like I’m reaching out for air trying to catch my breath but something keeps pushing my down that I can’t even breathe.

I could be lying still on my bed yet feeling like the most difficult thing in the world is to breath, like I have to suffer just to be able to get some air all while I’m laying perfectly still with air all around me yet not being able to breath it in.

[fuckyougrief]

something weird happened today other than the fucking work shit.

so my sister have been gone for like a year and four months and just after she died my youngest sister would tell me I’m her second favorite sister, but the for like more than a year she’d keep saying that me her favorite sister and she wouldn’t even acknowledge that we had a sister or that she’s her favorite or whatever.

today though my sister was going through her closet I guess and she found our sister’s all bag from god knows when that had putty or slime (some of that disgusting stuff) and she was playing it, so she was playing with it in front of me and then she looked at me and said “you’re my second favorite sister” and I said “is .... your top favorite?” she smiled and said “yes because she kept this putty for me like a surprise even though she’s not here” and it wasn’t like she was getting emotional or welling up, she was just saying it as a matter of fact and she looked so happy having found this.

I think this is the first time in a very long while that she’s talked about her like that and I am very happy with that.

[fuckyougrief]

update:

I’m still in trouble but things went well thank god.

I no longer feel like I need to cry but I still feel like shit that I couldn’t even cry, I know it’s weird but I felt so choked up on the inside but not a single tear.