the first two years of high school were cool. i wasn’t having the experience i really wanted to have - as i wasn’t the social butterfly like most others- but i was content. i didn’t go home drained. i was okay during the day. i didn’t deal with the things i face now.
i stopped taking my adhd medicine last year, when my campus was all virtual for school. i told myself that i wanted a change, that i was willing to leave those behaviour-altering pills behind me. i wanted my own personality, and not the one the drugs gave me. i wanted to experience this last year of high school by being myself.
that was easily the worst decision i could have made.
these last few months have been hell for me. i’m standing right on top of my breaking point, and the usual thoughts of suicide are coming back to me - as expected. i’m backsliding, i feel, and i’m much worse that i thought i would be. not because of my medicine or me quitting my routine taking it - but because of who i am. i haven’t seen my true self long enough to know what the good parts or the bad parts of me are. it’s difficult for me to figure out how to dampen my impulses and socialize the right way. i’ve figured my only option to fix me would be to stay alone, secluded, antisocial - and eventually more depressed. it’s hard to grasp.
my worst fear is being lonely.
so you could tell why it’s so hard to commit to that option.
i’ve always been one to look at myself and observe how i look around other people. how i look in the eyes of those people, and what i am like from the perspective of others. it’s all usually negative. and i believe that the way i see myself is the way others see me. the way you feel about yourself is the first hint to those things. i can’t shake those ideas, no matter who says what to me. and it’s overbearing, to the point where it strips me of my personality and i’m so pressured by my own self that i go into dormancy and seclusion.
i just wish i could stay there. that’s the hard part.
i apologize for how selfish this sounds, but i don’t think anyone wants me. and i think i’m well within reason to think such. maybe it’s because of how i see me; and how that appearance resembles my reality. maybe i’m just blowing things up (but i doubt it). i -
class is ending. i’ll finish this later on.
i’ve been having experiences where i wake up and my stomach is in pain immediately. the anxiety pain - the type of pain that you feel when you’re in trouble and you know it. the pain that you feel when you regret, heavily. and it’s been constant - every single day since friday, september 24. i really feel like the details of what started that day are important - but i don’t want to go over them again, with anyone, for any reason. my stomach is already hurting right now, and if it gets worse i’ll cut myself. anywho, things went downhill with some friends and family. my discussions with these people have led me to believe all the things that i said about myself a few sentences up from here. they told me who i really was, what i really act like, and all of the bad things about me. all of the problems, all of my bad traits, everything. it took only two people to tell me, and the doubt that i have of one to make me realize how fucked up i really am.
i’m gutted. i feel so terrible about myself and so terrible about all of the things i’ve done to the people i love. i’ve lost people who don’t even understand that the interest they show in me or even the fact that they care to remember my name or look my direction has literally saved my life on many occasions. people who don’t know i live for them. that i live to see them happy. it hurts especially bad when you’re the reason why they aren’t.
here come the suicidal thoughts. the thoughts that i don’t need to be around any longer. the thoughts that my existence is a curse to anyone in my vicinity. i think about the emotional threat i pose to anyone that talks to me. the burden i am to the people that even have a reason to think of me, at that. i know it sounds cliché - but i’m unneeded. i know i am. i only do damage to people. i harm the ones who love me, and don’t even realize it until i’ve picked at them enough that they let me know that they’re done with my bullshit, while walking out the door. i don’t need to be around anything, anyone, or any longer. i suck the emotion, life, and soul out of anybody in my path, and don’t even realize. i’m so caught up in life that km thinking that i’m at least decent. but i didn’t know how bad i was this entire time. i have no integrity left. i let my impulses get the best of me, and i lack clarity before decision making. i regret everything i do. i’m indecisive, and the choices that i do eventually make are always the worst choices. i am always wrong. i’m way too sensitive. i’ve passed the stage of my life where i was supposed to grow out of my sensitivity and into my maturity, and i never did grow. i’m too emotional, and i’m so dull that i use permanent self-harm as an escape from my temporary situation. i know full well that people are in much worse situations than i am, and i deal with my problems as if i’m the most important. i can’t even express emotion privately. i haven’t cried from emotion in years. as sensitive as i am, i can’t even cry - not even when i want to. i can’t make a mature decision to save my life. i lack the traits and morale that i wish for other people to have. i’m so arrogant. inconsistent. untimely. pungent. unpleasant, imperfect, irresponsible, unintelligent, traitorous, mean, selfish, sensitive, self-loathing -
i really thought i had it somewhat together. i really thought i had any amount of common sense, morale, ethics, maturity. i lack all of those things entirely; the list is extensive.
i do not wish to be here anymore.
