Full of Angst

[fullofangstfullofangst]

whoa

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moments

i swear to god there were moments

i fucking know there were moments when i loved you so much that i thought my heart was going to explode and moments when i got so scared of losing you that i lost all self-control and moments when i thought about our future wedding day and wondered why an angel like you would marry a demon like me and said to myself that this is all probably just a dream and moments when you looked into my eyes and told me that you loved me and it took everything inside of me not to just up and start running or jumping or yelling or start throwing money into the air and acting like i had just won the motherfucking lottery and i swear to god that there were moments when i’d wake up in the morning with you beside me and my heart would start racing and my palms would start sweating and i came pretty fucking close to hyperventilating because i was so sure i knew with all my heart i was fucking positive that i had either died or woken up inside of another body because there was no way on earth that the person i’d been all of my life would ever wake up with someone like you next to him and i know that there were moments i fucking swear to god that there were moments when i was certifiably 100% fucking insane and each and every time you forgave me and told me that you loved me and i didn’t know why so i became even more insane and accused you of things that you would never even think of doing but you forgave me every fucking time and told me that you still loved me and i still to this day lose my shit and i still to this day don’t know what the hell is happening and i still to this day don’t know what the fuck is going on and i still to this day laugh and cry and freak the fuck out because this is all just too mad and this is all just too breathtaking and this must be what it feels like to be actually fucking 100% living so i have to be alive and i’m not dead and everything that’s happened has actually happened and that blows my fucking mind and i swear to god that i want to keep breathing because if this is living then i never want to die

[fullofangstfullofangst]

all i do is all i do is plug in headphones put on sunglasses and breakdown as i go to and from the second city without your shoulder to rest my head on when my eyes get heavy all i do is all i do is let this distance destroy me

[fullofangstfullofangst]

she took my hand and said

follow me

and before i knew it she had cured me of all of my anxieties

i went from constantly hiding shaking lying and feeling as if my entire body was shutting down and dying to having a hand to hold onto that belonged to someone who could help me survive this crazy messed up life that i had found myself thrown into

and i still do

and even though her hand is always warmer than mine she says that holding my cold hand makes her feel alive

and whenever she asks me if i feel alive too i tell her that i feel so alive i feel so alive i feel so fucking alive that at night it’s hard to close my eyes and i feel so fucking alive that i run through empty streets just because i can and i feel so fucking alive that i climb onto rooftops sometimes and yell her name at the top of my lungs just to see if she’ll yell mine back and i always want to drive my fist through a wall and i always want to jump out of a plane and i always want to drive a hundred miles an hour and i always want to steal something and i always want to start fires and i always want to make the universe explode and tear down walls and break every law and live forever and i always want to tell her that i love her

i always want to tell her that i love her

[fullofangstfullofangst]

I've actually been reading your blog since 2015 and was hoping you'd come back soon

Wutttttt. New work’s coming, I gotchu

[fullofangstfullofangst]

We do !!

Oh cool! Maybe I’ll post some new stuff then...

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Do people still follow this thing and want to see new work?

[fullofangstfullofangst]

Currently drowning underneath textbooks and essays right now but new stuff is on the way! 

For those of you who know me you know that I do almost all of my writing in the fall and winter, and this year is no different.  The cool air has barely even arrived here in Chicago and I have so many ideas and words pent up inside of me that I feel like I’m going to explode.  They’ll be on paper soon enough and here, of course, on Tumblr.  

Expect a bunch of new and extremely deep, sad shit any day now :) 

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So I’m going to start writing again. This time in prose. Just thoughts and stuff. Cool? Cool.

[fullofangstfullofangst]

i wanna go back 

in time

to that time when we

fought about 

pineapples on pizza and

the meaning of 

mona lisa

while watching 

breakfast at tiffany’s

and 

drinking way too much

coffee

[fullofangstfullofangst]

they thought

i was a bright

twenty-something

with a work ethic

and

a nice smile

but

all they ended up with

was an apathetic

reader/

writer/

whatever

with a

penchant for

showing up

late

drunk

and

out of sync

with reality

due to

too much bukowski

and not

enough

living

and

if they ask

me how i’m

feeling one

more time

i swear to

god i’ll burn

down this

ancient

building

[fullofangstfullofangst]

after months of not writing at all and feeling as if i was going to explode i finally wrote a poem and now the words are pouring out of me because everything i’ve been feeling since the dead of winter is rising to the surface and i feel like if i don’t get every thought in my head on paper this very instant i might just fall to the floor stop breathing and get buried in a secluded corner of some midwestern graveyard far away from the other used-to-be-living so i can read and write in peace while the rest of the dead reminisce about holidays lost loves summer evenings and whatever else they can remember from the years when they were living

[fullofangstfullofangst]

i’m trying to break new ground but it hurts

the ground’s too solid and i’m too distraught and i can’t stop thinking about everything you taught me and i can’t catch my breath because i feel like i’m dying and i haven’t been happy for so long that i can’t remember how to fucking smile anymore and i have no one to blame except for myself

i’m still selfish and i’m still self-centered and yes i still think that moving to this city will help me get better but i really did forget how hard it is to start over which is really fucking funny because i’ve started over so many times now that i seriously think i’ve lost my fucking mind

the last time i was working on my poetry i was still in the military and i’ll be the first one to admit that the walls were coming crashing down around me

i was suffocating

and i had to rebuild those four walls and i’ve done a pretty damn good job if i do say so myself but if there’s one thing i’ve learned in the past few months its that i never fucking know when to tell the people i love that i’m not doing okay

but i’ll get better

it’s so funny how just six days ago i moved into this beautiful apartment in Albany Park where i don’t have to walk more than a block for a train to take me straight to downtown and i was so excited and so happy and so ecstatic and i danced around this apartment like a child dances on Christmas morning yet here i am six days later and i’m writing the first words on paper that i’ve written in months while abusing alcohol and littering cigarette butts on every sidewalk within a two mile radius of this building i call home

when my friend moves into the second bedroom in fifteen days i’ll be okay

when i start school on friday i really hope i’ll be okay

fuck

i think i’m going insane

[fullofangstfullofangst]

She thinks that I love her

Fuck

Why am I such a good liar?

I don’t like this anymore

Going to shitty bars

Talking to random people

They keep getting the wrong impression

This shit isn’t romantic

I’m drunk

And reckless

And burned out

And homesick

I just shouted at the top of my lungs “I’m fucking losing it!”

How can you possibly think this is attractive?

I’m berating right-wing lunatics while throwing empty bottles at bartenders and waitresses

I’m

Out

Of

Control

Trying to find answers at the bottom of every drink I’m served

I don’t have any composure anymore

I’m stealing shit out of convenient stores while you’re leaving messages on my phone

I

Want

To

Be

Alone

Not forever but just right now

I’m not trying to be mean

This is honesty

Find a man who isn’t wandering around aimlessly in drunken stupors and smoking religiously

I’m full of demons and you’re an angel who shouldn’t come anywhere near me

I don’t love you

I don’t love anything except for writing shitty poetry under the influence of a few different things that I shouldn’t be consuming

I’m good for nothing

Please leave me

Alone

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Whenever I drink I think about California The pricey cabs and the Spanish houses The phone calls I made with shaking hands and fake laughter Scared to death of the morning after

And whenever rain pours down on me I think about St. Augustine The starry nights and the palm trees I was young and scared of everything

I ran away and nobody stopped me

And every fucking time I’m freezing cold I miss Milwaukee The pink winter skies and the snow falling relentlessly I hated everything but it didn’t stop you from loving me And when you kept begging me not to leave

I was never fucking listening

I was selfish and self-centered Violent and scattered Obsessed with doing better I guess you could say I was a self-indulgent wanderer Sprinting towards the light at the end of a tunnel that didn’t actually exist I ended lifelong relationships I stabbed everyone in the back who looked complacent And then I retreated to my basement Packed my shit and called it quits Said “fuck the world” and fucking split

And I’ve been a lost boy ever since

[fullofangstfullofangst]

it’ll end

soon

my memory has to forget about you

eventually

i’ll move forward

but it might kill me

because

you found me

dying

and saved me

so if i can’t remember you 

then how am i going to survive?

[fullofangstfullofangst]

You said you don’t want it If I can't make it public But in the public you’re all I see And maybe I’m selfish but love isn’t meant to be advertised well maybe it is But just because it’s not advertised does not mean it doesn't exist…

And now you’re gone…

But They told me not to worry because I could have anybody I wanted But I only ever wanted you I’m not free I’m constricted, any future lover cursed by your eyes, your lips, To not see your face while looking at them is what I wish Because everything about you was so sublime Up a mountain I climbed for you A beautiful struggle every step of the way But I was at the top and you pushed me You told me to be free, I tried to fly but you were my wings I fell for what seemed like years And now my heart is crippled I still can’t see anybody but you And now I have to come to my own rescue And bring back those pieces that are missing in me I’ll try to find them myself because though I fell you didn’t conquer me My heart may be but it’s still beating and the beats bring me life and to live is what I need to do because I stopped living my life because I wanted to live my life for you and you consumed me but now I get to Extinguish that flame Im not to blame anymore Because it wasn’t my fault that I wanted to cherish that love And keep it for ourselves and God looking from up above proud of the beautiful creation he made us into But you left… because I couldn’t make us public.

And now I'm living for myself again.